“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Sep 20, 2013
DEAR AMY: My wife recently told me she was disgusted with her weight and how she looks. She wasn't skinny when we married nine years ago, but she was not even close to fat.

Over the last several years she has gained weight, and I've tried to encourage her to go to the gym with me and to eat healthy, etc.

She joined the gym, but after a few months (and even a 10-pound improvement) she stopped going. I am in decent shape. Not big but thin, with flat abs and such. When she told me how she felt about herself, she also said she was worried I would cheat on her, something I've never done and never would do. I love her the way she is, but she's at the point where she doesn't want to be intimate with me because she doesn't feel sexy.

How can I help her lose the weight and feel more attractive without making her feel worse about herself?

I've offered to go to the gym with her or do anything she wants me to do. I think she's beautiful, but it's hard to convince her when she doesn't feel that way herself.

Can you help us? Your opinion is important.-- Confused

DEAR CONFUSED: Your wife's problem is fairly common. You put on weight, feel bad and the self-assessment then depresses you and saps your will. Then you feel worse.

Your wife isn't being good to herself. She is also not being good to you because she is projecting onto you behavior that you would never do, involving you in her problem to the extent that she is pushing you away, and then she's feeling unlovable and (now) also unloved.

She would benefit from a thorough medical work-up and nutrition counseling. Yoga and meditation might help; so might getting a bike, a dog, new sneakers or one of those fancy new wristbands that senses your every move. I'm sure there are dozens of things she could try that she hasn't tried yet.

Know this: You cannot really help her to lose weight. You can help her to feel loved. Reassure her that she is beautiful. Say that you want her to be healthy and happy, but tell her the lack of intimacy now makes you feel like an accessory to her weight issue. Sometimes people disappear so much into their own insecurities over this that they forget that having sex is something that can invigorate you and make you feel great about yourself (and your partner).

DEAR AMY: I started going to the gym this summer. There's a gorgeous girl there who is probably just a few years older than me (I'm 18). However, I have never approached her, as I know the kind of message that sends immediately in a gym environment:(i.e. you're a "bro" and she's a "chick").

The last thing I want to do is make this frat boy impression. I'm strongly against that attitude and believe women should be treated with respect. How can I talk to her without being written off immediately?-- Not a Jerk in LA

DEAR NOT A JERK: At your age (and considering mine), I think it's safe to say that neither one of us has a ton of firsthand experience with frat boys, other than the stereotype that we both observe through the media.

The only surefire way not to come off as a jerk is not to act like one.

Unless you plan to approach this woman with a go-cup in your hand and say something objectionable to her, then you're probably fine. Smile and say hello to her every time you see her and then pay attention to her cues. If she is interested, she will let you know.

DEAR AMY: I bet you get a ton of responses to the letter from "At a Loss." This guy invited a woman into his group of friends and then didn't stop her when she started to basically paw him in front of his wife and friends. And then he wants to apologize to her? Wow.-- Shocked

DEAR SHOCKED: Wow is right. Many, many readers responded as you did.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Sep 20, 2013
1-She's disgusted with the way she looks, stopped going to the gym after losing ten pounds, and is now wallowing in her own misery.

Have her treated for depression.

2- Forget it, loser. Girls like a dude with confidence, not some shmuck who writes to Amy.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#3 Sep 20, 2013
I can't get motivated to respond to these letters. Amy, what can you do to help me?

“Happy Halloween”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#4 Sep 20, 2013
LW1: Other than reassure her, I dunno what more you could do. The rest has to come to her. So, I would continue to be supportive, but Iíd also man up and express my displeasure with the lack of sex and let her know thatís not really fair to you.

LW2: Good luck Ö you sound like a complete knob Ö how do you get from you want to talk to her to thinking that by talking to her you will come off as a frat boy and a man who does not treat her with respect?

You sound like you have absolutely no confidence and no a game.

The key to picking up women is just to be yourself (although in your case, maybe you should be someone else ;p). Make them laugh (pick your spots, tho Ö donít try too hard Ö let it come naturally ... not corny) and have decent intelligent conversation. Don't put the wagon before the horse, either. Get to know them a bit and let them warm up to you. Do that, and if they think you are cute, itís easy peasy.

So be relaxed, talk to her, and see how it goes.

To be honest, I donít think you have it in you when it comes to playing it cool. However, fortunately for you, unless she is a witch, I think a lot of women are understanding and forgiving even if you arenít don juan at first, so long as you donít come off as a complete weirdo.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Sep 20, 2013
L1: Quit trying to fix her and tell her how amazing she is exactly as she is -- over and over and over again. Then she'll feel better and get the energy to go to the gym. Maybe.

L2: Ask her a question on fitness that is appropriate to what she is doing. Reps? Nutrition? Start a convo that's about the gym itself.

L3: A rehash that says nothing but "Wow". Wow.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#6 Sep 20, 2013
Sub, your response to L2 is awesome! I don't mean that sarcastically... You made several really good points.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#7 Sep 20, 2013
So, lamey says he cant fix her, and you say he can. As much as it pains me, iam going with lamey
Toj wrote:
L1: Quit trying to fix her and tell her how amazing she is exactly as she is -- over and over and over again. Then she'll feel better and get the energy to go to the gym. Maybe.
L2: Ask her a question on fitness that is appropriate to what she is doing. Reps? Nutrition? Start a convo that's about the gym itself.
L3: A rehash that says nothing but "Wow". Wow.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#8 Sep 20, 2013
LW2 Forget it kid, she's outta your league. She is not looking for a college boy.

“Happy Halloween”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Sep 20, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
Sub, your response to L2 is awesome! I don't mean that sarcastically... You made several really good points.
Heh, thanks.

:)
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#10 Sep 20, 2013
LW1: Weight loss is harder for women because we have less muscle mass. The only way to lose weight is to eat less and exercise more. If your wife can find some kind of physical activity that she enjoys like dancing, bike riding, kayaking, etc. she is more likely to keep moving. Also, you can walk with her every evening, maybe even bump it up to an easy jog once in a while. Foodwise, she needs to eat more veggies and less of the heavy carbs. Keep the red meat to a minimum and substitute poultry and seafood. Don't eat fast food, pizza, or ice cream. Keep snacks healthy and low-cal. Read the labels on all packaged foods.

And what Sublime and Toj said.

LW2: And speaking of going to the gym... You should just be yourself and make pleasant small talk with her every day. You say you believe in treating women with respect. So do that. Take your time and get to know her a bit. Then, one day, you just have to say, "So... would you ever consider going out with a younger man?" And be ready for either a yes or no answer. Good luck.

LW3: Third rehash on this one. Wow. Amy's getting almost as much mileage out of this one as Miley Cyrus got for her short on the VMAs.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#11 Sep 20, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: Other than reassure her, I dunno what more you could do. The rest has to come to her. So, I would continue to be supportive, but Iíd also man up and express my displeasure with the lack of sex and let her know thatís not really fair to you.
Right?
I can't believe people who deny their spouse this, especially males...then she'll write in a year from now, whining that her spouse, while still faithful, doesn't look at her the same way.*sigh*
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#12 Sep 20, 2013
2: Who is this newb listening to?
I respect a guy who sees what he likes and have the stones to act on it. Just be a nice guy.

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