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1 - 18 of 18 Comments Last updated May 10, 2014
pink lady

Winnetka, IL

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#3
May 9, 2014
 
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old woman trapped in a loveless marriage. My husband is a few years younger, and very co-dependent. Before he dated me, he had never had a girlfriend or a sexual encounter. I came into the relationship with a child and some trust/fear issues because my ex had abused me.

My husband has now become verbally, sexually and to a lesser degree, physically abusive, to the point of striking my 5-year-old son. I threw him out for that, but caved to pressure from my family to take him back. They think he's a "stabilizing" influence in my life. They don't know about, or can't grasp, his abuse or the abuse I survived previously. If I hint at it, they accuse me of "lying for attention."

My husband has left for basic training with the army and will be gone for a few months. I already feel freer, lighter and more able to cope with things. If I leave him while he's away, the social and family repercussions will be devastating. My son and I may be forced to relocate.

I'm torn and afraid. I went through with the marriage only to please my family, as the abuse started before the wedding. It has been a year and a half, and all I can think about is getting out. Help me, please.-- CANADIAN READER

DEAR READER: Of course I will help. Deciding to leave an abusive partner can be wrenching as well as frightening. However, because abuse tends to escalate, it is what you MUST do. Your and your child's safety could depend on it. It is shameful that your family isn't supportive, but don't let that stop you. Relocate if you must.

You need to form an escape plan. The way to do that is to call the N*ational D*omestic V* iolence Ho*tline. The phone number is eight hundred 7*99 seven233. Counselors there can refer you to help in your area -- they have done this for other Canadian women. They also offer education and empowerment programs so that victims will be less likely to be sweet-talked by their abusers into returning for more punishment.

Don't wait to reach out because your son's physical and emotional health depend on it. If not for yourself, do it for him.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who lives a few states away. We talk on the phone every week. Either she calls me or I call her. Every time she calls me, it's when she is driving somewhere. As soon as she arrives at her destination or pulls up in her driveway, she says, "I'm home (here) now. Gotta go!" and hangs up.

This has been going on for years. I stay on the phone all the time she rambles on and never cut her short. It's really starting to get to me. What should I do?-- FUMING IN FLORIDA

DEAR FUMING: If this has been happening "for years" and you are just now writing me about it, I'd call that one slow burn. Pick up the phone, call your friend and tell her exactly how you feel about it. If you don't, she'll continue doing what she has been doing because she thinks it's all right with you.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#4
May 9, 2014
 

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pink lady wrote:
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 27-year-old woman trapped in a loveless marriage. My husband is a few years younger, and very co-dependent. Before he dated me, he had never had a girlfriend or a sexual encounter. I came into the relationship with a child and some trust/fear issues because my ex had abused me.
My husband has now become verbally, sexually and to a lesser degree, physically abusive, to the point of striking my 5-year-old son. I threw him out for that, but caved to pressure from my family to take him back. They think he's a "stabilizing" influence in my life. They don't know about, or can't grasp, his abuse or the abuse I survived previously. If I hint at it, they accuse me of "lying for attention."
My husband has left for basic training with the army and will be gone for a few months. I already feel freer, lighter and more able to cope with things. If I leave him while he's away, the social and family repercussions will be devastating. My son and I may be forced to relocate.
I'm torn and afraid. I went through with the marriage only to please my family, as the abuse started before the wedding. It has been a year and a half, and all I can think about is getting out. Help me, please.-- CANADIAN READER
DEAR READER: Of course I will help. Deciding to leave an abusive partner can be wrenching as well as frightening. However, because abuse tends to escalate, it is what you MUST do. Your and your child's safety could depend on it. It is shameful that your family isn't supportive, but don't let that stop you. Relocate if you must.
You need to form an escape plan. The way to do that is to call the N*ational D*omestic V* iolence Ho*tline. The phone number is eight hundred 7*99 seven233. Counselors there can refer you to help in your area -- they have done this for other Canadian women. They also offer education and empowerment programs so that victims will be less likely to be sweet-talked by their abusers into returning for more punishment.
Don't wait to reach out because your son's physical and emotional health depend on it. If not for yourself, do it for him.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who lives a few states away. We talk on the phone every week. Either she calls me or I call her. Every time she calls me, it's when she is driving somewhere. As soon as she arrives at her destination or pulls up in her driveway, she says, "I'm home (here) now. Gotta go!" and hangs up.
This has been going on for years. I stay on the phone all the time she rambles on and never cut her short. It's really starting to get to me. What should I do?-- FUMING IN FLORIDA
DEAR FUMING: If this has been happening "for years" and you are just now writing me about it, I'd call that one slow burn. Pick up the phone, call your friend and tell her exactly how you feel about it. If you don't, she'll continue doing what she has been doing because she thinks it's all right with you.
You've been trolling? ;)

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#5
May 9, 2014
 

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L1: Very sad letter. I hope this woman gets the help she needs.

L2: So, you're blaming your friend that you're too lame to speak up?

I swear, people do not REALLY talked anymore.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#6
May 9, 2014
 
talked = talk

(sigh)

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#7
May 9, 2014
 

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1 The military is not big on abusers, he can be forced into counseling or discharged. I would contact then as well.

2 Face it, they are just not that into you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

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#8
May 9, 2014
 

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1- What's wrong with you that you keep choosing these types of men?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#9
May 9, 2014
 
LW1: I would think while he's away at basic training would be an excellent time to leave. At least there'd be no drama from him.

And the LW is Canadian, just wondering if that phone number works there, as it might not be *their* national hotline.

LW2: You need to either tell her that this bothers you or stop whining about it.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#10
May 9, 2014
 
Lw1: maybe next marriage, you'll go thru with it to please yourself instead of your family.

Lw2:does she have a family? Kids? Had it ever occured to you that drive time is the only solitude she gets snd she uses it to call you instead of subjecting you to constant interruptions from the kids the second she walks in the door?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#11
May 9, 2014
 
RACE wrote:
1 The military is not big on abusers, he can be forced into counseling or discharged. I would contact then as well.
2 Face it, they are just not that into you.
Perhaps, but she is safer if he is in the military. He will be out of work with a less than honorable discharge and looking for her.. Not a good situation.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#12
May 9, 2014
 

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edogxxx wrote:
1- What's wrong with you that you keep choosing these types of men?
I agree, but first she and her kid have to get safe, then she can do some introspection
Kuuipo

Herndon, VA

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#13
May 9, 2014
 
LW1: You need to get some counseling ASAP and tell him that you will no longer tolerate the abuse. Then find a support group because your family is worthless. Relocating might be a great idea, actually.

LW2: I have a friend who likes to call when she is driving, too. She also hangs up when she gets home. Because she drives with bluetooth, I don't have a problem with it. I don't understand why this upsets you.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#14
May 9, 2014
 
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: You need to get some counseling ASAP and tell him that you will no longer tolerate the abuse. Then find a support group because your family is worthless. Relocating might be a great idea, actually.
LW2: I have a friend who likes to call when she is driving, too. She also hangs up when she gets home. Because she drives with bluetooth, I don't have a problem with it. I don't understand why this upsets you.
I live in a house. My computer is in the den which is my home office. The configuration of the driveway is such that my car usually sits about 10 feet from the car. When I have the phone recharging near my desk it rings but transmits to the bluetooth speaker in the car.

Argh!
Kuuipo

Herndon, VA

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#15
May 9, 2014
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
I live in a house. My computer is in the den which is my home office. The configuration of the driveway is such that my car usually sits about 10 feet from the car. When I have the phone recharging near my desk it rings but transmits to the bluetooth speaker in the car.
Argh!
I have an in-ear Bluetooth, which I keep on all the time. I like it a lot better than holding the phone to my ear and I love having both hands free. When I am driving, I put it on my ear. But at home, I am always fumbling to find the Bluetooth, even though I try to keep it in the little inside pocket in my purse. So now, I am in the habit of answering, and saying "Hold on a minute!" and then turning off the headset until I find it!
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#16
May 9, 2014
 
1: I don't want to be too mean to this sad sap, but it's so hard not to when she admits he abused her before the wedding and married him for family!! I'm sorry--I have never been married and even I know what a big deal it is (or maybe not; maybe that's why people can do it like changing clothes).

I also question the word "strike." It's a possibly incendiary word. He could have spanked within boundaries but lw uses a word that conveys abuse.

2: She better be on Bluetooth.
blunt advice

Lyndhurst, NJ

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#17
May 9, 2014
 
1. Please develop some self esteem before getting involved with another man. And stop trying to impress your family.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

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#18
May 9, 2014
 
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw2:does she have a family? Kids? Had it ever occured to you that drive time is the only solitude she gets snd she uses it to call you instead of subjecting you to constant interruptions from the kids the second she walks in the door?
Word.

I know several people who use the drive home to catch up with friends before they walk into their chaotic homes.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

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#19
May 10, 2014
 
1: You have a major self-esteem problem and you need to get counseling fast. But you should also get yourself to another location - away from your family as well as your husband. Any family that talks you into marrying a guy and staying with an abuser is toxic. They may not believe you but they should at least be listening to you with open minds. They should be on your side and it seems they aren't and never have been. Perhaps that's at the base of your self-esteem problem. No one has ever shown you that you are worth something so why should you think you are yourself. Get counseling immediately to get support from someone while you pack your belongings and decide where you're going to move. Your counselor may be able to refer you to someone in your new location.

2: Yes, I would hope the friend is using bluetooth but the simplist solution is telling her that you are worried about her safety if she's driving while talking to you. Then ask whenever she calls whether she's calling from her car and then say you're hanging up if she is. Repeat each time she calls while driving. However, I get the impression that that's not the part that bothers you. Again, use your words - to her - if you are bothered by her behavior.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#20
May 10, 2014
 
Pippa wrote:
Then ask whenever she calls whether she's calling from her car and then say you're hanging up if she is.
I would completely stop calling someone who did that. Its one thing to tell me that I am calling at a time that is inconvenient to you. But to try to tell me when and where I'm allowed to call you from? Oh hell no. I already have one mother and I stopped doing what she said a long time ago.

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