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Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#21 Dec 3, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
Once a week is pretty often, IMHO. IDK, I feel like friendships, as an adult, should be pretty easy. My friends and I vent about problems, but it's never one-sided or often. And there's usually an attempt on the venter's part to, yanno, do something about the problem.
And maybe I'm a jerk or it's just my personality. J has a friend who comes to him for advice and rarely follows it. This would drive me bonkers, but J seems to like the challenge, I guess.
I can understand that's what you're use to. I have friends that vent about things. Sometimes people think they want you to SOLVE it when all they are doing is organizing their own thoughts and venting.

I have a friend whose husband is living in the house but leading a separate life b/c he's selfish and only cares about himself. She'd get a divorce but she has 2 special needs kids and she has enough going on. She's realistic, but she vents about things.
Sam I Am

Cedar Grove, TN

#22 Dec 3, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Not me, I'm working on a third girlfriend!
You're growing a third hand?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#23 Dec 3, 2012
No having to hear senseless beyotching, is not a problem.
Maybe thats why you go thru so many men.
Sam I Am wrote:
1. All you can do is try to support her and urge her to value herself. And Mutt and Race, it just became a little more clear why you two have girl problems.
2. Fake your death.
3. Yeah, do stuff.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#24 Dec 3, 2012
It sounds like LW's friend is venting but LW thinks that every vent requires action or advice. Sometimes all you can--or should--do is listen and say something like, gee that's awful.

When it gets to the point where the venting is too much, then I agree with Dog and Race: tell the friend that you will be there for her when she decides to take action but that you will change the subject or top the conversation when she brings up the nastiness again.

You can't save the world; you have a shot at saving your own sanity
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#25 Dec 3, 2012
Sam I Am wrote:
<quoted text>
You're growing a third hand?
Someone said , I gotta give you a hand, and he took it literally
Sam I Am

Cedar Grove, TN

#26 Dec 3, 2012
RACE wrote:
No having to hear senseless beyotching, is not a problem.
Maybe thats why you go thru so many men.
<quoted text>
Yes, the one guy for the last 7 months is soooo many indeed. I'm a regular human turnstile.

Your ignorance regarding L1 is representative of your Retarded Bull with No Foresight or Empathy in a China Shop mentality. It's not a total waste, though. Guys like you make us appreciate what we have just that much more.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#27 Dec 3, 2012
Cheap too if you accept tokens.
Sam I Am wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes, the one guy for the last 7 months is soooo many indeed. I'm a regular human turnstile.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#28 Dec 3, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
"About once a week she will call my wife, crying, and tell her about being degraded one way or another. Last week, for instance, he called her a "lazy stupid f------ idiot" in front of a person who was at their house to do some work. This comment is fairly typical of the language he uses toward her."
Once a week isn't much and they are asking what to say so it doesn't sound like she's wailing on it. Sometimes people only need to vent. Since they're asking what to say it sounds like this is someone they care about, not just an acquaintance.
It says she *calls* once a week to unload on LW's wife, so who knows how often the friend actually gets yelled at...

my SIL was trying to hang on by her nails to stay w/ her jackass husband (who was doing a lot of hte kind of stuff mentioned here)until after their daguther got married, but one night about 2 months before taht, he locked her out. SIL hasn't looked back since then... sometimes, there's sometihgn else going on to keep someone a bit longer; and there's NOTHING here to address taht. That first step is hte hardest one to make.

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#29 Dec 3, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I can understand that's what you're use to. I have friends that vent about things. Sometimes people think they want you to SOLVE it when all they are doing is organizing their own thoughts and venting.
I have a friend whose husband is living in the house but leading a separate life b/c he's selfish and only cares about himself. She'd get a divorce but she has 2 special needs kids and she has enough going on. She's realistic, but she vents about things.
I've started asking people who've vented in my direction several times about the same thing(s) wants my input wehn they wind up the rant du jour... if they say no, i try not to let it get to me (still easier said than done, thoguh).

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#30 Dec 3, 2012
PEllen wrote:
It sounds like LW's friend is venting but LW thinks that every vent requires action or advice. Sometimes all you can--or should--do is listen and say something like, gee that's awful.
When it gets to the point where the venting is too much, then I agree with Dog and Race: tell the friend that you will be there for her when she decides to take action but that you will change the subject or top the conversation when she brings up the nastiness again.
You can't save the world; you have a shot at saving your own sanity
This.

And while name-calling, especially as venomous as the example given in the letter, is vicious and horrible, it doesn't necessarily mean he is or will become physically violent.

Regarding my friend A, her boyfriend doesn't name-call but the things he says are so creepy and controlling... to me there's a difference. Both guys are douchebags though.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#31 Dec 3, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Your man hating is showing. He's not physically violent.
Yes, men who call their wives a "lazy stupid f------ idiot" are the kind of lovable men I have always loved and cherished. Good grief, you are soooo predictable.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#32 Dec 3, 2012
LW1: I have a good friend who has been verbally abused by her brother for most of her life. I *just* got off the phone with her. I asked her why she wanted to continue having a relationship with someone who treats her so badly. That's the question I would tell LW's wife to ask her friend.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#33 Dec 3, 2012
Shari23 wrote:
<quoted text>
Yes, men who call their wives a "lazy stupid f------ idiot" are the kind of lovable men I have always loved and cherished. Good grief, you are soooo predictable.
No, because he uses the f word towards his wife, that translates to the woman and her friends needing to go into hiding because it obviously means he'll kill them all. THAT is your man hating.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#34 Dec 3, 2012
RACE wrote:
Cheap too if you accept tokens.
<quoted text>
Ha! Or maybe it's first come, first serve!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#35 Dec 3, 2012
Sam I Am wrote:
<quoted text>
You're growing a third hand?
That might be cheaper. At least I don't have to buy my hands dinner!
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#36 Dec 3, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
That might be cheaper. At least I don't have to buy my hands dinner!
But you would run the risk of biting the hand that feeds you ( which sounds rather like an Escher print)

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#37 Dec 3, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text> But you would run the risk of biting the hand that feeds you ( which sounds rather like an Escher print)
We try to be smarter than that. But maybe I'm not that smart because I don't know what an Eecher print is.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#38 Dec 3, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
We try to be smarter than that. But maybe I'm not that smart because I don't know what an Eecher print is.
http://www.google.com/imgres...

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#39 Dec 3, 2012
PEllen wrote:
Thanks, never thought to google. Had you mentioned Dali I might have made the connection to surrealism (never paid much attention in art class.)

But still don't understand the reference... You're just too smart for me, PE.

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