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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Dec 3, 2012
DEAR AMY: My wife and I have a friend who has been verbally abused by her husband for some time now, and it appears to be getting worse.

About once a week she will call my wife, crying, and tell her about being degraded one way or another. Last week, for instance, he called her a "lazy stupid f------ idiot" in front of a person who was at their house to do some work. This comment is fairly typical of the language he uses toward her.

We are seeking your advice as to what we should do. This friend said that if her husband knew she was confiding in my wife, he would go absolutely nuts. I'd like to intervene, but I think it would make the situation much worse if he knew we were aware of his disgusting behavior.

She suggested that they go to counseling, but he got very angry and declined to even consider it.-- Worried

DEAR WORRIED: You and your wife should continue to do everything possible to offer a safe and secure friendship where she can contemplate her options.

If your sense is that direct intervention would place her at risk, then follow your instincts. Be very gentle with her and urge her to consider leaving the relationship. If her spirit is broken and she is worried about her future, she should leave. Don't expect her to be able to do so suddenly or easily, however. Also understand that she may choose to stay.

Urge her to see a counselor on her own. It can be very frustrating and confusing for friends and family members to see someone they care about go through this, but your friendship and presence in her life may offer her some perspective and help her to see that she has options.

The Hotline ( thehotline.org ) has information and resources for people in abusive relationships.

DEAR AMY: I have participated in a "pen pal" correspondence for a few months now, and I would really like to exit from it.

A guy I went to college with emailed me this summer (after we both graduated), and despite being a bit creeped out because I didn't really know him, I was curious, so I responded. Ever since then we have been emailing back and forth, and even met in person once a few months back. Now I want out.

He is a super nice person, but we don't have much in common, and I feel like he should not be spending his time and energy on someone who isn't even interested in developing a friendship.

I've thought about just ignoring him, since he lives relatively far away and we only are in contact via email, but this seems very immature. I just can't figure out an effective way to let him know that this isn't working out for me and that I want my space.

Can you help me out here?-- New Graduate

DEAR NEW: Write to him, "I've enjoyed corresponding with you, but I'm going to taper off now on emailing back and forth. You're a super nice guy, and I wish you all the best."

Keep it kind, simple and short. You don't have to explain anything or make any "it's not you, it's me" comments. When he gets back to you, you can reply that you simply don't think you'll be able to hold up your side of the correspondence.

DEAR AMY: You encouraged "Wanderlust" to see the world while she and her husband are young. Yes! Travel while you are young and able and have the funds to do it.

My husband and I lived frugally, saved our money to retire early (62 and 65) so we could travel the world. However, now that we have the time and money, I also have a 98-year-old mother with dementia to care for. Getting away for just a long weekend is all we are able to do.

You may never know what the next chapter of your life will bring you.-- Best-Laid Plans

DEAR BEST: Exactly! We all need to write our life chapters by seizing the opportunities as they arise.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Dec 3, 2012
1- Tell her to quit dumping on you. She knows how to fix her situation. Say you're tired of hearing it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Dec 3, 2012
1 The mutt is right, If all's she wants is someone to listen to her problems, tell her to get a shrink like the rest of us do.

2 So you were creeped out but met the guy anyway. Just set up an auto reply to his email address that this mailbox is full and cannot accept any more msgs

3 I got nothin.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#4 Dec 3, 2012
L1: Intervene how? "Bob, you really shouldn't talk to your wife like that." "F--- off, Chuck, and butt out." LW's wife should be there for her friend if she needs her, but if all she's doing is complaining without being willing to change her own situation, I agree with Edog & Race.

L2: I think simply stopping responding is the perfect out. He's not local. If he's so dense that he still doesn't get it after not getting replies, block his email.

L3: Yep.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Dec 3, 2012
L1: If it's a close friend you don't abandon her Edog and Race. I can see how you are to your friends by your response. Yes, it's up to the verbally abused on how to proceed and that's exactly what the advice Amy is giving. However, this woman needs support b/c she the one person who is suppose to be her rock has probably taken a good chunk of her self esteem away. I would give her emotional support but also remember that she is in the driver's seat.

L2: Remember, curiosity killed the cat. What Amy said. Must be her intern today.

L3: Carpe diem.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#6 Dec 3, 2012
LW1 - This woman needs a women's shelter. She is in great danger at the time she leaves him and if you have helped her and he knows it, then you are in danger too. Get all the info to the shelter and the shelter personnel will help her get out. They can advise her on how to accumulate money, some of her clothes and the best time to leave (such as when he is at work). The shelter people can help her decide not to go back to him. You have to distance yourself from the situation beyond giving her the shelter number.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#7 Dec 3, 2012
Shari23 wrote:
LW1 - This woman needs a women's shelter. She is in great danger at the time she leaves him and if you have helped her and he knows it, then you are in danger too. Get all the info to the shelter and the shelter personnel will help her get out. They can advise her on how to accumulate money, some of her clothes and the best time to leave (such as when he is at work). The shelter people can help her decide not to go back to him. You have to distance yourself from the situation beyond giving her the shelter number.
Your man hating is showing. He's not physically violent.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#8 Dec 3, 2012
Toj wrote:
L1: If it's a close friend you don't abandon her Edog and Race. I can see how you are to your friends by your response. Yes, it's up to the verbally abused on how to proceed and that's exactly what the advice Amy is giving. However, this woman needs support b/c she the one person who is suppose to be her rock has probably taken a good chunk of her self esteem away. I would give her emotional support but also remember that she is in the driver's seat.
L2: Remember, curiosity killed the cat. What Amy said. Must be her intern today.
L3: Carpe diem.
if my friend isn't gonna do anything to change her situation, I'm not gonna want to listen to her complain all the time.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Dec 3, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
if my friend isn't gonna do anything to change her situation, I'm not gonna want to listen to her complain all the time.
But we don't know if she's willing to change her situation.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#10 Dec 3, 2012
1 I'm with Race and Edog. Sure, call me if you need my help, but don't call me repeatedly to whine about how mad he is. Talk to your shrink.

2 Why all the machinations? Just set his email to spam and poof! He's gone.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#11 Dec 3, 2012
I did not say drop her as a friend, just tell her that you are not a wailing wall, and if she wants just wants to whine about her situation and not change it, then she needs to find someone else.

And I dont have any friends so there!
Toj wrote:
L1: If it's a close friend you don't abandon her Edog and Race. I can see how you are to your friends by your response. Yes, it's up to the verbally abused on how to proceed and that's exactly what the advice Amy is giving. However, this woman needs support b/c she the one person who is suppose to be her rock has probably taken a good chunk of her self esteem away. I would give her emotional support but also remember that she is in the driver's seat.
L2: Remember, curiosity killed the cat. What Amy said. Must be her intern today.
L3: Carpe diem.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#12 Dec 3, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
But we don't know if she's willing to change her situation.
Well, if she keeps running to the LW expecting a shoulder to cry on over and over again, but doesn't do anything about the problem, she's probably not willing to change anything.

I'd probably stop answering her calls. Don't repeatedly come to me for help/advice and then ignore what I say.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#13 Dec 3, 2012
LW1: I think that this problem may be out of your league. Getting her in touch with a shelter is a great way to get her started on her own path,'cause yanno, she's got to do this for herself.

LW2: One email to say goodbye and the start the spam filter.

Or you could lie and say you've joined the Peace Corps and are leaving for the wilds of Bolivia.

LW3: Sorry about your mom.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Dec 3, 2012
Matilda77 wrote:
<quoted text>
Well, if she keeps running to the LW expecting a shoulder to cry on over and over again, but doesn't do anything about the problem, she's probably not willing to change anything.
I'd probably stop answering her calls. Don't repeatedly come to me for help/advice and then ignore what I say.
"About once a week she will call my wife, crying, and tell her about being degraded one way or another. Last week, for instance, he called her a "lazy stupid f------ idiot" in front of a person who was at their house to do some work. This comment is fairly typical of the language he uses toward her."

Once a week isn't much and they are asking what to say so it doesn't sound like she's wailing on it. Sometimes people only need to vent. Since they're asking what to say it sounds like this is someone they care about, not just an acquaintance.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Dec 3, 2012
Yannow, L1 could be JMW's friend if she marries that creep.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Dec 3, 2012
LW1: She allows her self to be treated that way, and until she decides she won't have it anymore, there isn't anything you can do. If she isn't going to do anything about it except b1tch and moan weekly, I would honestly find that very emotionally draining to be around.

LW2: Just stop corresponding. He should take the hint.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#17 Dec 3, 2012
L1. Yeah, he has probably been whittling away at her self-esteem for a long time.
What a creep.
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#18 Dec 3, 2012
1. All you can do is try to support her and urge her to value herself. And Mutt and Race, it just became a little more clear why you two have girl problems.

2. Fake your death.

3. Yeah, do stuff.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#19 Dec 3, 2012
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
"About once a week she will call my wife, crying, and tell her about being degraded one way or another. Last week, for instance, he called her a "lazy stupid f------ idiot" in front of a person who was at their house to do some work. This comment is fairly typical of the language he uses toward her."
Once a week isn't much and they are asking what to say so it doesn't sound like she's wailing on it. Sometimes people only need to vent. Since they're asking what to say it sounds like this is someone they care about, not just an acquaintance.
Once a week is pretty often, IMHO. IDK, I feel like friendships, as an adult, should be pretty easy. My friends and I vent about problems, but it's never one-sided or often. And there's usually an attempt on the venter's part to, yanno, do something about the problem.

And maybe I'm a jerk or it's just my personality. J has a friend who comes to him for advice and rarely follows it. This would drive me bonkers, but J seems to like the challenge, I guess.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#20 Dec 3, 2012
Sam I Am wrote:
And Mutt and Race, it just became a little more clear why you two have girl problems.
Not me, I'm working on a third girlfriend!

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