Abby 1-29-13
First Prev
of 2
Next Last

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#1 Jan 29, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old man with a criminal record. I got involved in some fraud and embezzlement rings when I was in my early 20s, and served nine months before being released on parole.

Since then I have moved in with my mother, found a job, and I'm trying to be the man I know I'm capable of being. I have reached the point where I'd like to begin dating again.

The problem is, I don't know when the time is right to bring up my past. If I wait too long, my name is mud for not saying anything sooner. I want to do the right thing so I can stay on the right path. Can you help me?-- A BETTER MAN IN NEW YORK

DEAR BETTER MAN: I agree that the chapter of your life in which you were in prison is not something you should reveal on a first date. But do raise the subject around the fourth date, because by then the woman will have had a chance to get to know you.

When you bring it up, make it clear that you didn't go to jail for a violent crime and you're not on any offenders' list. If she likes you, she'll hear you out and understand that you don't plan to repeat your past mistakes. Men who have served their time can go on to lead successful lives, and tell her that you plan to be one of them.

----------

DEAR ABBY: I am blessed with two beautiful daughters. One is 13; the other is 4 months old. For 11 years my 13-year-old, "Lily," was my life. I had dated, but they were all Mr. Wrongs.

Two years ago I finally met a wonderful man, "Kevin." He is good to me, and he and Lily get along to a point, but he's shy and doesn't talk much. Kevin moved in with us a few months after I found out I was pregnant.

I try to include Lily in our new family, but she feels left out. She stays in her room and doesn't have much to do with Kevin. She wouldn't go with me to the baby's doctor appointments and pretty much ignores her new baby sister. I have told myself she'll come around, but it hasn't happened.

What can I do to assure Lily that I love her as much as I always have? I want our family to be happy. I hope to eventually marry Kevin. Lily's dad isn't very involved in her life. Every time I try to include Lily, she gets mad and says she doesn't want to do the family functions. Help, please.-- WEST VIRGINIA MOM

DEAR MOM: Thirteen can be a difficult age and your work is cut out for you. You will have to be more proactive in order to make this arrangement function more like a family. Kevin may be shy, but he should be encouraged to make more of an effort to get to know Lily. As the adult, it is his job to break the ice and find something in common with her.

Also, Lily should not be allowed to hide out in her room and not participate in any activities. If you permit the status quo to continue, at some point she will start looking for a place where she feels she "belongs" in a situation beyond your control or supervision. If you are out of ideas on how to get your daughter to cooperate, then involve a family therapist to help you through the roadblocks.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#2 Jan 29, 2013
LW2: 2nd daughter out of wedlock. Good work. Maybe you should have gotten her to know "Kevin" before you got knocked up again and he had a shotgun move in.

"Also, Lily should not be allowed to hide out in her room and not participate in any activities."

Right. Cause a glum combative teen is exactly who you want to force to participate.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jan 29, 2013
1 The time to tell her is when you feel like being in a monogamous relationship with her.

2 Gee, you turned her life upside down and now wonder why she is withdrawing. Maybe you should have used birth control and had kevin introduced as a possible addition to your family in a slower more controlled fashion. Instead you just dumped kevin and baby on the kitchen table and expected your kid to be elated over it.

And tell kevin to GTFU and start working on a relationship with her. I bet he was delighted to find out you were preggers too wasn't he?

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#4 Jan 29, 2013
L1: Wow, thanks Abby! The fourth date - now we know the magic number.

L2: Where's Lily's dad?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Jan 29, 2013
jmw: LW said that Lily's dad "isn't very involved in her life."

I think LW2's picker is broken. Lily would do well to put her nose to the academic grindstone and get the hell out when she's 18. Mom will be pregnant kid kid #4 by then.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#6 Jan 29, 2013
L1.
You must have gotten out early after serving only 9 months in the slammer for felony embezzlement
That's why you have a criminal record, so people can avoid you if and when at all possible.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Jan 29, 2013
I actually thinkt he fourth date is too soon.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Jan 29, 2013
loose cannon wrote:
L1.
You must have gotten out early after serving only 9 months in the slammer for felony embezzlement
uh...that's what he said. "served nine months before being released on parole"
loose cannon wrote:
That's why you have a criminal record
Again, that's what he said and what this whole letter is about.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#9 Jan 29, 2013
2- I'm assuming Kevin is the father of the four month old? While a strange man moving in and a new baby is a lot for a 13 yo to take in all at once, she needs to learn to deal. I say just leave her be and don't try to force anything on her. She'll come around eventually.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#10 Jan 29, 2013
LW1: What RACE said.

LW2: "I have told myself she'll come around, but it hasn't happened."

The baby is only 4 months old! She's been an only child for 13 years!! I think you can afford to give her a little more time, even if it is spent pouting in her room.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#11 Jan 29, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I actually thinkt he fourth date is too soon.
If you play your cards right, the fourth date is when you get lucky. Do you think he should indulge this info before or after they are intimate?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#12 Jan 29, 2013
LW1: I think that is 4th date material too.
Just leave the part out about how you were Bubba’s prison b1tch for most of the time you were in the pen. Also timing is important. Nail her first and then say, hey baby, I need to share something with you.
;p

LW2: Kevin needs to man up. What types of things does Lily like to do? Maybe you can plan family activities that focus on her interests, until there is a bond between everyone.

In terms of her staying in her room, make her come out, and interact more with the family. I do something similar with my boys now (I make them get out of their rooms and off the xbox and go outside and play), and I’m sure if it became a problem when they are 13 I would do the same. You are the parent. Try acting like one sometime. You are not BFFs.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#13 Jan 29, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
jmw: LW said that Lily's dad "isn't very involved in her life."
I think LW2's picker is broken. Lily would do well to put her nose to the academic grindstone and get the hell out when she's 18. Mom will be pregnant kid kid #4 by then.
Oops. I missed that because of Tonka's crappy format.
;)

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Jan 29, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
Oops. I missed that because of Tonka's crappy format.
;)
:p

Look, on my work computer, I often have to wait longer than I feel I should for the page to load. Or to get the drop down list of recently updated threads. Mobile site does not have all that gobbleydook that takes more time to load. No interactive ads. No videos(all stuff I've heard you complain about). The only thing missing is the avatars. I can live without that for faster performance.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Jan 29, 2013
L1: I think you can mention problems you had in the past without going into huge detail by the 3rd, 4th or 5th date depending upon how the relationship is going. LW better get his own place, though, before he starts dating. The double whammy of living with his parents and a record probably won't help.

L2: You won't win mother of the year by having getting knocked up and moving a guy in -- but at least you've been dating him for 2 years. Not a good role model for a 13 year old. BUT, keep including the 13 year old, make her spend time with everyone, have "dad" keep trying to have a relationship with her. Parents should do what's right for the child and not let the child be the driver in the situation.

L3:

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#16 Jan 29, 2013
LW2 - I've made about a zillion mistakes in my life and now I can't understand why my 13 year old daughter is screwed up!

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#17 Jan 29, 2013
Hey SharI
That thing is a french horn right?
Shari23 wrote:
LW2 - I've made about a zillion mistakes in my life and now I can't understand why my 13 year old daughter is screwed up!
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#18 Jan 29, 2013
loose cannon wrote:
L1.
You must have gotten out early after serving only 9 months in the slammer for felony embezzlement
That's why you have a criminal record, so people can avoid you if and when at all possible.
It must have been a state charge, not a Federal one, because Feds don't have parole.

I agree with Edog: I'd want to know before I got into bed with him.

I would imagine somene with this kind of record may not have a credit record or a credit card. Lack of plastic will be apparent pretty soon these days.

There will be jobs he won't be able to get that may have some relation to his schooling ( so you were a finance major, how did you happen to get into office machine repair?)

Buches of oportunities to bring up the subject fairly early.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#19 Jan 29, 2013
1 Better tell her you're an ex-con before you get in a situation where the prison tats are revealed.

2 Nice, 2 kids by 2 different men, both outside of marriage. Your parents must be so proud.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Jan 29, 2013
PEllen wrote:
I would imagine somene with this kind of record may not have a credit record or a credit card. Lack of plastic will be apparent pretty soon these days.
What about a visa or mastercard branded debit card?

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 2
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 1 hr Dr Guru 230,912
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 2 hr Cheech the Conser... 1,457,546
News Once slow-moving threat, global warming speeds ... (Dec '08) 4 hr Basil Fomeen 62,297
last post wins! (Dec '10) 4 hr honeymylove 2,740
Johnny Murray a/k/a Johnny's Marine 5 hr Elder James Johnson 34
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 5 hr John Schanahan 104,488
last post wins! (Apr '13) 6 hr They cannot kill ... 1,953

Chicago Jobs

More from around the web

Personal Finance

Chicago Mortgages