Posted in the Chicago Forum
“reign in blood”
Since: May 09
#1 Jun 8, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I'm having problems with my boyfriend, "Adam," and I feel stuck. He recently was accepted to graduate school, and we're planning to move there. We haven't lived together before, and I'm not sure I'm doing the right thing.
I will be working and paying for everything, and Adam will be just going to school. He thinks this is a fair trade-off because "we won't have to worry about money at all" once he has completed his education.
Abby, I don't think he cares that it's ME going with him. I feel like a space-filler and a meal ticket. How do I go about finding out his true feelings and intentions? He doesn't make me feel special, wanted or important -- ever. I worry this will end badly. I do love him, but I don't want this to be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Please give me some advice.-- TO MOVE OR NOT TO MOVE IN INDIANA
DEAR MOVE OR NOT: You do need advice -- and here it is: Your woman's intuition is telling you this isn't right, and that your boyfriend can't be trusted to fulfill his part of the bargain. You should listen to it because that's a poor basis for uprooting yourself and becoming his benefactor.
The person you have described is someone centered solely upon himself and his own needs. A man who doesn't make you feel special, wanted or important would make a very poor husband.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have three daughters in their 20s and 30s. One of them, "Lauryn," is married with four children. She and her husband are behind in their mortgage, student loans, federal, state and property taxes, utilities, etc. Over the past 15 years, we have given them more than $40,000 to help them stay afloat. Things have not improved.
Now that my wife and I are retired, the money we provide is cutting into our retirement savings. For the sake of our grandchildren, we continue to bail Lauryn out hoping their finances will improve. But now we have begun to think our handouts should come at a cost.
We want to tell Lauryn and our son-in-law that the money we've given -- and have continued to give -- will count against their inheritance. It doesn't seem fair that we have given so much to this one daughter and her family and relatively little to her sisters. Do you agree? We'd appreciate your thoughts on this.-- LOVING PARENTS AND GRANDPARENTS
DEAR LOVING PARENTS: I do agree. And for that reason, you should discuss this issue with an attorney who specializes in estate planning, wills and trusts. Your other daughters should not suffer because Lauryn and her husband have been perpetually needy. An attorney can guide you, and it will be money well spent.
“reign in blood”
Since: May 09
#2 Jun 8, 2014
1- You sure you'll get a job there? You sure "Adam" will have a guaranteed, will never lose- job once he completes his degree? Agree with Abby, don't do it. Once he finishes his education and makes his millions, THEN he can come sweep you off your feet
2- How bout stop giving them money?
#3 Jun 8, 2014
1. Why can't he go to a nearby grad school? And why do you love him? I would try to find a guy who will make you feel special. This guy sounds like a jerk.
2. Tell your daughter to get a frigging job.
#4 Jun 8, 2014
I agree with both edog and blunt advice on both these letters.
1: Classic case of gf/wife supporting her guy while he's in grad/medical/law school and then he takes off on his own or with a trophy wife once he gets established. The living together without the legal entanglements of marriage makes it even easier for him. I was going to say the only way I'd say it might be ok agree to such an arrangement would be if he treated you as though he really cared for you and if you had a lawyer drew up a document stating that this guy will have to pay back EVERY penny you earn while he's in school if he leaves you at any point in addition to any other financial settlement a judge might give you if you do eventually marry and then he leaves. But on second thought that would only encourage him to treat you so badly that you would be the one to leave him which would probably nullify such a document. So forget about going with this guy. He doesn't treat you well and he just wants you to support him during grad school so he won't have any loans to pay later. It's as though he's saying he'd rather put up with having you around for a few years now than have student loans to repay later. Don't put yourself in such a situation. He WILL leave you later if you do - as soon as he no longer needs your financial support.
2: I bet if you had taken on your daughter's student loan as your own debt, she and her husband would still be in debt. You have been enabling them with your handouts. I know, it's hard to turn your back on your child but you should have done this before she had 4 kids. You should have made it clear right from the start that your handouts were advances on her inheritance. I wouldn't be telling her now that any future handouts would be deducted from her inheritance. I'd be telling her that ALL the handouts in the past as well as in the future are going to be deducted from her inheritance. You've been doing this for 15 years; so you are just as guilty as she and her husband are at this point. You have in effect told them they don't need to live within their means. You have not mentioned that either your daughter or her husband or their kids have any disability or health problem that is causing them financial distress. That kind of problem I could understand. You are not being fair to your other children. By the sound of it, you may not even be able to have a secure retirement because your daughter is taking it away. My sister and her husband did pretty much the same thing with both their sons. It left my sister and brother-in-law who had been a physician and had a very nice retirement plan very financially shaky during their retirement and they had to do without a lot because they continued giving handouts to both sons and their families. Neither son felt it necessary to keep any employment if they weren't happy - or just didn't feel they should have to go to work every day. When both my sister and her husband were gone, their home was mortgaged to the hilt, property taxes had been unpaid for a couple of years, the boys had very poor employment records and a lot of debt themselves. They appealed to their aunts and uncles for financial help. None of us were in a position to help or even wanted to help. So you see, enabling your daughter and s-i-l now will not help them in the long run. Let them grow up.
#5 Jun 8, 2014
LW1 - When he gets out with his Harvard Law or London School of Economics MBA, he may dump you. Are you prepared for that?
LW2 - What Edog and Blunt Advice said.
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