“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jun 25, 2014
DEAR AMY: My 37-year-old daughter is three months pregnant.

Her boyfriend doesn't want the baby, but she does. Their relationship is on the verge of disintegrating, so chances are she won't get much, if any, support (moral or financial) from him.

She is in no position to support this child. She works part time in a restaurant, bringing in no more than $100 per week.

Furthermore, she has just been accepted into the nursing program of a college and intends to start classes in two months.

I think she is completely unrealistic. She's an adult, but she doesn't seem to be thinking rationally. I don't see any hope for this situation.(I'm a retired 71-year-old living in a different state from my daughter.) What do you recommend or suggest? I haven't told her my reservations.-- Flummoxed

DEAR FLUMMOXED: The usual template is for the single expectant mother to freak out, panic and worry about her future -- but you have put voice to the raw reality of what it can be like to watch a loved one step into this tender and life-changing status. This is scary for you.

You don't mention why your daughter has been so underemployed, but her choice to go to nursing school is a sign that she is charging forward positively.

Do not share your reservations with your daughter. You realize how challenging her life will be, and she either doesn't realize it or she is optimistically moving forward with a determination to do her best.

Remember that a baby's life unfolds one day at a time. Thinking too far ahead is overwhelming.

This is the time for you to bury your second-guessing and declare: "I'm here for you. I'd like to help." You need to be a gentle, supportive presence. Why? Because it is best for the mother and the child to start their family life feeling emotionally secure and supported.

Perhaps you can move in with her for the first few weeks of the baby's life in order to assist.

DEAR AMY: I'm 17. For the last four years, I have been aware of my father maintaining an account (on a website that matches cheating spouses) and a special email account to go with it.

I have kept the information (including some rather disgusting emails and messages I've read that show he's obviously had a few affairs) to myself, but as I approach college, I wonder whether I should do something about it.

It's my parents' marriage, not mine, so maybe I'm supposed to just stay out of it, but I also hate the fact that it's going on. Normally I just try to forget about it.-- Worried Son

DEAR WORRIED: I chose to redact the name of the website because, frankly, I don't want to publicize its function, but I will verify that yes -- this "dating" site's tag line is: "Life is short. Have an affair."

Your father's behavior has put you in a terrible position. I can imagine how disappointed and disenchanted you are. His behavior will likely affect how you view relationships, and I can only hope that you make a determination to be a better man.

You should tell your father that you are aware of his activity. Tell him how you feel about it.

There is no right answer about whether you should tell your mother about this. As you very wisely say, this is their marriage.

The X factor here is that your father may have exposed your mother to STDs, and she has a right to know.

Choose your moment wisely (perhaps after you've left for college). Confront your father and email your mother a link to the web site, saying you know your father has an account.

DEAR AMY: "Desperate to Come Out" was a young man worried about how to come out to his mother. I went through this such a long time ago that I had almost forgotten that people still struggle with this process.

Thank you for giving people a voice to tell their story, and for your commitment to equal treatment.-- Already Out

DEAR OUT: It is my pleasure. Thank you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#2 Jun 25, 2014
1- agree with Amy. The daughter is taking an optimistic approach and living one day at a time. Keep your yap shut, it's her life, and she's 37 yrs old

2- dad needs to do a better job hiding his sht. You've known about this for four years, so somehow I doubt you're mother is clueless. Agree with the part about mentioning it to the dad, but DISAGREE about sending your mother an email link. What the hell good will THAT do?

3- can we go one day without having gay in our face??

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jun 25, 2014
1 Sure, tell the 71 yr old woman to go and be a nanny to her middle aged daughters kid.

2 No, don't tell your mom, that is above your pay grade.

3 Edog, Yesterday was your no gay day, Didn't you get the memo?
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#4 Jun 25, 2014
LW1 - Team Dog.

LW2 - That sux. Yes, talk to your father. For all you know, your mother knows and either approves or tolerates. When you turn 18 or as soon as you can, move away from your parents. I think,though, that after talking to your dad, you should talk to your mom.

When you find out that your spouse is a cheater, and every one of your close family and friends knows, but keeps you in the dark, the sense of betrayal is huge. If one of the "knowers" is your own rather grown kid, then I think the sense of betrayal is even huger. It's like the kid thinks you've done something to deserve this. Well, that's just my perspective.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#5 Jun 25, 2014
RACE wrote:
3 Edog, Yesterday was your no gay day, Didn't you get the memo?
There was a gay rehash in Amy yesterday.

That sounded gross....
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#6 Jun 25, 2014
1: I agree the lw should stay out of this. It's her daughter's decision. At 37 years of age, she's an adult. I assume she's feeling her biological clock ticking and figures this may be her last chance to have a baby because she may not find another guy to love in the next few years. OR - she may simply feel that aborting her unborn child is NOT something she wants to do simply to make her life a bit easier. I say shame on the lw for apparently wanting her daughter to do this.

As for Amy's advice that the lw make herself available to move into her daughter's home for the first weeks of her grandchild's life to make things easier for the daughter, I'm not sure I agree. I can picture it now: The lw spends those weeks complaining that her daughter never should have gone ahead with the pregnancy or she should have given the baby up for adoption once it was born. As a new mom, that kind of situation would have driven me bonkers. So if she does decide to follow Amy's advice and help out, she should keep such opinions to herself if she still has them after seeing her grandchild. The other questionable thing about this advice is that at 71 (probably 72 by the time baby comes along), she may very well not be up to caring for a newborn or any babysitting at all. It depends on her overall health of course but Amy didn't even consider that. It's one thing to care for a baby for a few hours but to be there night and day can be very exhausting even for a young mom in her 20's. Think what it would be for a woman in her 70s.

2: I agree with Cass but disagree with Race and edog on this. I'm all for telling his mom what he found out. He doesn't owe his cheating dad anything in this regard. I'd warn my mom if she was about to eat something I just saw the cat or dog lick; so why shouldn't a person tell his mom that his dad might give her a disease because he'd been cheating? I don't believe in spreading rumors or gossiping about things I might think I see going on but when there's proof such as this lw found, thee victim (the mom) should be informed. Perhaps there's a remote possibility that the dad is really engaging in some kind of fantasy affair - one that is only via internet and there has been no actual contact. Even then, the mom deserves to know. And if it is a stituation which the mom already knows about, both parents should have been aware that others (such as their kids) might also find out.

3: It's still a problem because there are still religions teaching it's sinful self-righteous people out there insisting it's sinful . It's one reason I stopped attending religious services with my husband and it's one area in which we have serious disagreement.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#7 Jun 25, 2014
Pippa wrote:
3: It's still a problem because there are still religions teaching it's sinful self-righteous people out there insisting it's sinful . It's one reason I stopped attending religious services with my husband and it's one area in which we have serious disagreement.
Religions are still teaching it's sinful because it says so in the bible. How about YOU stop being so self righteous by telling people what they should or should not believe?
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#8 Jun 25, 2014
LW1: Your daughter's boyfriend is obligated, morally and financially, to provide 50% of the support for this child.(I recommend condoms and/or vasectomy for men who do not want children.) I totally agree with you that your daughter's attitude is irrational and unrealistic. She'll be starting her nursing program when she is 5 months pregnant. I agree with Amy that you should not voice your fears and opinions, but be a "gentle supportive presence" for your daughter. If you can be there for a while following the child's birth, great, OR you could hire a doula to help her adjust to motherhood.

LW2: I am sorry that you have had to bear this burden. Normally, I recommend staying out of other people's business. Cheaters are found out the majority of the time. But we are talking about your parents. Your parents may have a sham marriage and have planned to stay together until you leave for college. Or your mother could just be completely in the dark about your father's extracurricular activities. You have to search your heart and do what feels right to you. Watch how your parents interact with each other. That will give you a clue as to whether they have both checked out of the marriage, or whether your dad is leading a double life. I think that you should move out before you talk to either of them. Talk to your dad first. If you decide that telling your mom is the right thing to do, save the emails as evidence so that she has a clear picture of what has been going on.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#9 Jun 25, 2014
Kuuipo wrote:
LW2: I am sorry that you have had to bear this burden. Normally, I recommend staying out of other people's business. Cheaters are found out the majority of the time. But we are talking about your parents. Your parents may have a sham marriage and have planned to stay together until you leave for college. Or your mother could just be completely in the dark about your father's extracurricular activities. You have to search your heart and do what feels right to you. Watch how your parents interact with each other. That will give you a clue as to whether they have both checked out of the marriage, or whether your dad is leading a double life. I think that you should move out before you talk to either of them. Talk to your dad first. If you decide that telling your mom is the right thing to do, save the emails as evidence so that she has a clear picture of what has been going on.
Maybe his parents are swingers. Maybe his mom is into chicks and dad hooks it up, and joins. If he goes down this road, he might be a little shocked at what he finds
pde

Bothell, WA

#10 Jun 25, 2014
LW1: even if the boyfriend splits with your daughter, the courts can require him to pay child support. As soon as the child is born, your daughter should make sure that the custody situation is worked out legally via the courts.

If she has been accepted to nursing school, that acceptance comes with financial aid possibilities. If I had wanted to go to graduate school full time and put myself deeply in debt, I could have accepted all the federally-backed loans offered to me which included support for both tuition and living expenses. I preferred not to put myself that deeply in debt so I only accepted the loans which covered tuition.(You don't say whether she's been accepted into a graduate program or undergraduate program. If undergrad the issue is the limits on the federally-backed loans and the fact that the private student loan companies are mainly sharks.)

She has options. They are not the greatest options in the world, but they are there.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#11 Jun 25, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Maybe his parents are swingers. Maybe his mom is into chicks and dad hooks it up, and joins. If he goes down this road, he might be a little shocked at what he finds
I agree that he has no idea of what his parents' intimate relationship is like or what their personal agreement is. I think he is already feeling shocked by his dad's behavior. He already knows more than he wants to and has no idea what he should do about it. Poor kid.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#12 Jun 26, 2014
Whether LW1's daughter wants to keep and formula feed the baby or
release that baby for adoption (open or closed), this is not LW1's
decision to make.

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