“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jun 17, 2014
DEAR ABBY: May I sit in your chair and give some advice today? It's aimed at men who place ads on dating sites and then wonder why they can't meet "quality" women.

I'm an educated, decent-looking, middle-aged widow who has dated quite a lot through such ads and local social groups. Yes, it can be a jungle out there, but the Internet is a wonderful tool for bringing people together.

I live in a small town, and the pool of eligible men is smaller here than in metropolitan areas. That said, there are few profiles that attract my attention and that of my divorced/widowed friends.

Gentlemen, some pointers:

1. Smile! A dour expression is unpleasant.

2. We may want to see you with your shirt off after we get to know you, but it's not the most appealing or refined pose for a first look.

3. Be realistic. If you are Joe Average, we Jane Averages would enjoy meeting you. Are you REALLY going to hold out for a model who is a decade or so younger than you?

4. Be kind to the English language. You don't have to be a genius, but it would be nice to know you can competently communicate in writing.

5. Consider a shave. Some women like men with facial hair; the majority of the ones I know do not. About 75 percent of men over 50 have a mustache, beard or both. What are you hiding under there?

6. If you're married and miserable, for goodness sake, go for marriage counseling or get a divorce. But please don't deceive women who want to meet a nice guy to share life with.

In case you think I'm being too harsh, we gals welcome any suggestions from men who scroll through those female profiles looking for love.-- SURFING IN PETERSBURG, ILL.

DEAR SURFING: I'm printing your letter, and I'm sure the reaction will be interesting. The No. 1 complaint I've heard about Internet dating has to do with misrepresentation on both sides of the gender divide.

DEAR ABBY: My 83-year-old mother wants a tattoo! She loves classical music and has decided to have a musical note tattooed on her shoulder. Should I institutionalize her, or chauffeur her to the local tattoo parlor?-- SHOCKED IN GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR SHOCKED: At 83, your mother is old enough to make this decision without your blessing. She also appears to be young enough at heart that she may not need the ride.

DEAR ABBY: I am being divorced and my oldest son is being married. My soon-to-be-ex-wife does not want my girlfriend to attend. This has put a great deal of pressure on my son and his fiancee.

I left my wife for this woman. I love her and would like her to attend with me. What is proper?-- DANNY IN DELAWARE

DEAR DANNY: Because your divorce is not yet final, leave your girlfriend at home. Her absence would be the most thoughtful and considerate gift you could give your son, his bride and your almost-former wife.
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#2 Jun 17, 2014
LW1 - 75% of men over 50 have a beard or a mustache in IL? Wow. I think I have seen a handful of men with beards and mustaches in So Cal, but very few. Those who do have beards, actually look very distinguished. I don't think I have seen a man with a mustache and without a beard in a long, long time.

LW2 - Boy, I am glad I am not related to you. You are a pill.

LW3 - You really need to ask? Were you born without a basic decency gene?

Since: Mar 09

Hollywood, FL

#3 Jun 17, 2014
Cass wrote:
I don't think I have seen a man with a mustache and without a beard in a long, long time.
Yeah, not since Magnum, P.I.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Jun 17, 2014
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
Yeah, not since Magnum, P.I.
It's not that uncommon, at least around here. A few people I work with have a stash only. What annoys me is people with a goatee and no mustache
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#5 Jun 17, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
It's not that uncommon, at least around here. A few people I work with have a stash only. What annoys me is people with a goatee and no mustache
Oh, I find that particular look quite ridiculous.:-)

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Jun 17, 2014
Lw1:#'s 1,3, & 6 are good advice for everyone. The rest of it only applies to her and her tastes. Ie: useless.

Lw3: i would leave her at home as a gift to YOUR SON and his bride so as to keep the drama at their wedding low. But abby can go pound sand with this idea of a gift to his ex. If things between them were cordial and civil, there would be ni problem bringing his gf. Bit there is a problem. So things aren't so nice. In that situation, i would not be going out of my way to do her any favors.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Jun 17, 2014
L1: I think for you Florida and California people there is a reason you don't see many beards and facial hair. It's too hot. You see all kinds of facial hair around here. I don't like facial hair, usually, except for a really handsome guy with the groomed stubble.

L2: I'd tell her: "You go girl!" She gets to do what she wants. She earned it.

L3: "I am being divorced". That sounds strange. No, guy, the world does not revolve around you. After more time has passed AFTER your divorce is FINAL, maybe things will settle and you can bring the woman you cheated with around.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#8 Jun 17, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw1:#'s 1,3, & 6 are good advice for everyone. The rest of it only applies to her and her tastes. Ie: useless.
Lw3: i would leave her at home as a gift to YOUR SON and his bride so as to keep the drama at their wedding low. But abby can go pound sand with this idea of a gift to his ex. If things between them were cordial and civil, there would be ni problem bringing his gf. Bit there is a problem. So things aren't so nice. In that situation, i would not be going out of my way to do her any favors.
Wait a minute. This lw left his wife for this other woman. Sure we don't know what their marriage was like but still - he cheated on her. That makes him the bad guy.(And yes, I'd say the wife was the "bad guy" if she was the one who cheated.) I don't know how most folks react when their spouse of many years (they have a son who's old enough to get married) cheats on them. In my sister's case, she was humiliated to the point of not even wanting to go into town to shop for groceries. Her husband was a well-known character and his cheating had probably been a well-known "secret." It took a lot of time for my sister to realize what the rest of us knew - that her husband was the one humiliated. He humiliated himself by his behavior. This lw is a selfish pig to think it would be ok to parade his inamorata at his son's wedding in the presence of his not-yet-ex-wife. This is NOT the place to showcase his failing/failed marriage. It's his son's wedding. His son and future d-i-l won't thank him for turning their wedding into a 3-ring circus. Much of the focus would be on him, his gf, and his not-yet-ex-wife rather than on the bride and groom.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#9 Jun 17, 2014
Team Tonka,

I have a stashe but no beard. Have had it since I started growing hair there.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Jun 17, 2014
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
Wait a minute. This lw left his wife for this other woman. Sure we don't know what their marriage was like but still - he cheated on her. That makes him the bad guy.(And yes, I'd say the wife was the "bad guy" if she was the one who cheated.) I don't know how most folks react when their spouse of many years (they have a son who's old enough to get married) cheats on them. In my sister's case, she was humiliated to the point of not even wanting to go into town to shop for groceries. Her husband was a well-known character and his cheating had probably been a well-known "secret." It took a lot of time for my sister to realize what the rest of us knew - that her husband was the one humiliated. He humiliated himself by his behavior. This lw is a selfish pig to think it would be ok to parade his inamorata at his son's wedding in the presence of his not-yet-ex-wife. This is NOT the place to showcase his failing/failed marriage. It's his son's wedding. His son and future d-i-l won't thank him for turning their wedding into a 3-ring circus. Much of the focus would be on him, his gf, and his not-yet-ex-wife rather than on the bride and groom.
Why are you telling me wait a minute? You agreed with me that he should eave the girlfriend home to avoid drama.

My only issue was with amby considering a gift to the ex. Regardless of who's at fault, if I have a bad break up with someone, and an ongoing bad relationship, cheating or not, I don't feel any need to give "gifts" of any kind to that person.

Oh, and thanks for making me look up inamorata. Til now, I just knew it as a Dino song with no idea what it meant

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Jun 17, 2014
Cass wrote:
<quoted text>
Oh, I find that particular look quite ridiculous.:-)
i think it looks awesome. I go with that look every now and then on a whim.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#12 Jun 17, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Oh, and thanks for making me look up inamorata. Til now, I just knew it as a Dino song with no idea what it meant
Never heard of it at all. Think we might have found the magical word for older couples that feel weird about "girlfriend" or "boyfriend."

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#13 Jun 17, 2014
Ha!
Tonka didn't know something.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#14 Jun 17, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Why are you telling me wait a minute? You agreed with me that he should eave the girlfriend home to avoid drama.
My only issue was with amby considering a gift to the ex. Regardless of who's at fault, if I have a bad break up with someone, and an ongoing bad relationship, cheating or not, I don't feel any need to give "gifts" of any kind to that person.
Oh, and thanks for making me look up inamorata. Til now, I just knew it as a Dino song with no idea what it meant
The idea that this man should not try to be civil to his ex-wife and grant her a "gift" (although I don't think I'd exactly term it a gift) is what bothered me. It's like he's determined to have his way no matter who's hurt. He's already hurt his almost-ex-wife. Instead of rubbing salt in the wound, he should see that his own behavior, regardless of what hers might have been during their marriage, should be at least trying to mitigate the damage. I feel he should do what he can to reduce the rancor and giving in to her request would do that and might in fact be considered a gift. It's what nice people do to reduce the stress for others when they're already in a stressful situation. In this situation, his not bringing his gf would make points for himself with his son if he would only see that. Too bad he's only focused on himself. I'd say his not-yet-ex-wife hit the jackpot when they split just because he won't be around so much. Your saying you (and perhaps anyone) would not be looking to give your in-the-process-of-being-divorc ed wife any kind of gift is what bothered me. I'd think people getting divorced might at least try to be civil and "giving in" on some items or points (which might be considered a gift of sorts) can help the process. I don't mean about important things but the relatively minor things. In other words, don't hold back on stuff that's really important to the other just to be mean. Are you going to fight over a pet because your wife loves it even if you don't really care either way? The "gift" would be to let her have it. The guy has already won. He's getting out of his marriage and has his gf. Presumably she'll still be there after the son's wedding even if she doesn't go. If she's insisting on attending despite the pain it might cause his almost-ex and his son or leaves because he doesn't take her, he should dump her anyway.

Since: Feb 08

Location hidden

#15 Jun 17, 2014
LW 3 says that his ex doesn't want the GF at the wedding, but does not say that his son and bride-to-be feel that way.
Probably best for the GF to not go, but it still seems like it's not because the couple doesn't want her there, but just his ex.
If her staying home is a gift to anyone, it's to the bride and groom.
Seems as if the ex would make a scene if the gf came to the wedding.
She needs to get over it.
I don't care if he cheated on her, it is done, the marriage is over, move the f on.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 Jun 17, 2014
Pippa,

You keep responding to me as if I have advocated him bringing the new girlfriend to the wedding. I specifically advised otherwise. You keep talking about winning points with the son and new DIL by keeping the drama and stress out of their wedding. I said that already. Before you did. So please stop rehashing these points in a manner that makes it seem that you are saying something different than I am.

I never suggested that the man not be civil to his soon to be ex. However, I take issue with the idea that he owes her something. Their relationship is over. Moving forward, her feelings on how he should conduct himself are of no consequence. Presuming he cheated on her, it is understandable that she have a problem with him and his INAMORATA :), but at this point, his relationship with her is over.

You say he's only focused on himself. How so? If he was, he would not be asking an advice columnist for advice. He would just take his new GF to the wedding and not give a damn what anyone else thinks.

Don't hold back on stuff that's really important to her just to be mean? He's talking about having his girlfriend attend his son's wedding with him. I highly doubt being mean is his motivation.

And why are you talking about pressure from his girlfriend to attend the wedding? No such thing was mentioned in the letter. His son is getting married. He has a girlfriend who he claims to love. His soon to be ex does not want the gf there. The son and DIL feel pressure because they are caught in the middle. This has nothing to do with his gf demanding to go.

I also love how you said he should try to mitigate the damage of his own behavior "regardless of what hers might have been during the marriage". Oh hell no. So if he's the bad guy you are assuming, he should try to make nice for her sake, but if she did something villainous during the marriage, he should ignore that? ARE YOU F'N CRAZY?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Jun 17, 2014
NWmoon wrote:
LW 3 says that his ex doesn't want the GF at the wedding, but does not say that his son and bride-to-be feel that way.
Probably best for the GF to not go, but it still seems like it's not because the couple doesn't want her there, but just his ex.
If her staying home is a gift to anyone, it's to the bride and groom.
Seems as if the ex would make a scene if the gf came to the wedding.
She needs to get over it.
I don't care if he cheated on her, it is done, the marriage is over, move the f on.
This is what I'm saying. In a nutshell
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#18 Jun 17, 2014
LW1: I totally agree with all of LW's suggestions.

LW2: A little musical note on her shoulder? Sure, why not?

LW3: Leave your hoe at home.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#19 Jun 17, 2014
LW2: Your mother sounds whimsical and free-spirited. I'm sorry she gave birth to such a judgmental @$$.
I'll bet she is, too.

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