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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Mar 14, 2014
DEAR AMY: My wife and I have an ongoing dispute that threatens our family, which includes two young children, ages 2 and 5.

I have a desire to visit my guy friends with overnight visits once a month and occasional longer trips with my brothers or guy friends about once every two years, to go skiing, camping, to the beach, etc.

This seems to be too much for my wife, who makes a big stink. She feels I should only care about family and never leave her alone to take care of the kids.

I've offered to have my mom watch the kids while I'm gone, but that's not good enough. Also, I beg her to take similar trips with her friends or her sister while I watch the kids. She declines or says she can't work it out.

She has given in to my demands occasionally, but it is only after lengthy arguments.

Do you think I am selfish or unjustified in my request?-- Conflicted in South Carolina

DEAR CONFLICTED: The answer to your question is "yes" and "yes." A monthly overnight with a biennial trip with the guys for a longer duration (conveniently unspecified) is too much. It might not be too much for some families, but it is too much for yours. I know this because you characterize this as a "demand" that threatens your family.

Most mothers and fathers would love to take a fun overnight break from a 2- and 5-year-old 12 (sometimes 13) times a year, but building a family together requires that parents not have one foot out the door.

You don't mention wanting a monthly poker night after which you roll home in the wee hours. You need an overnight. When you make your demand, this is what your wife hears: "I don't enjoy being a husband and father. I must escape our family as often as possible." She is trying to control you because she is afraid you will flee for an overnight and simply keep on running.

You and your wife need a night or two together away from the kids to reconnect as a couple and figure out a compromise that sounds less like a demand. You should plan this.

DEAR AMY: I am in my mid-20s, and I have been with my boyfriend for six years. He is from a traditional Hmong family, and I am Caucasian.

His family doesn't approve of our relationship, and they would like him to only date Hmong women. His parents refuse to even meet me (after all this time), and he is having trouble standing up to them. I love him, and I would like to get married in the near future, but our relationship seems to be at a standstill.

I support his culture, but his parents won't give me the chance to prove myself to them. I have expressed my frustration to my boyfriend, but he continues to make excuses. Will he ever stand up to his parents, or am I in a dead-end relationship?-- Worried

DEAR WORRIED: If you reversed the details in this story and your Caucasian parents refused to acknowledge your boyfriend of six years for racial or cultural reasons, what would you do about it?

Wouldn't you find this offensive and unacceptable? Wouldn't you insist on your right to love whomever you chose?

I realize there are important familial and cultural challenges here, but you should not have to beg these people to meet you to "prove yourself."

Your boyfriend should find a way to assert himself that is both certain and respectful. You might need to step away from the relationship to give him some time alone to clarify what he really wants.

DEAR AMY: "Puzzled and Hurt" was upset not to be invited to the wedding of the daughter of a friend of hers.

When I got married, my parents handed me a list with more than 100 names of people we "had" to invite to the wedding. I "had" to say no.-- Former Bride

DEAR BRIDE: "Puzzled" was upset because these friends had come to her daughter's wedding and she expected a reciprocal invitation. It just doesn't work that way.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Mar 14, 2014
1- Dude deserves a night out with the boys once in a while, maybe going out of town every month is a bit much. Why not board the kids and take the wife with you?

2- His family doesn't want you Hmong them. Either he loves you enough to be with you despite his family, or you're gonna have to move on

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Mar 14, 2014
1 I have a desire to visit my guy friends with overnight visits once a month and occasional longer trips with my brothers or guy friends about once every two years, to go skiing, camping, to the beach, etc.

Lamy is so wrong on this. Oh, yeah drive home, possibly DUI or sleep it offf on your buddies couch? and how is this any different that a man (or woman) who goes of a business trip once a month? Would she forbid her husband that too? The tighter she clings, the more he will push away. And its an ok thing for kids to learn that their parents have interests and hobbies outside of raising them.

And yes lamy it is ok for a man to "demand" some time for himself, just as you have said it is ok for a woman to do. So get rid that double standard that seems to be stuck in your butt.

2 Why do you want to play second fiddle to his family. Your setting yourself up to be miserable.

3 I had to say this rehash is no longer invited to this thread.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#4 Mar 14, 2014
1: Once a month is probably too much. Wifey might not trust him (is she insecure? has he done things to make her fearful?) or she might be overwhelemed by kids and needs him home more.
A few trips a year is fine (for both) but every month is a bit much.
They do a vacation together alone though.

2: The answer is no: he won't suddenly grow a pair and stand up if he hasn't in 6 years.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Mar 14, 2014
L1: Depends on what kind of parents and what kind of activities the kids have. Ages 2 and 5 would be a handful. Me, I would pack your bags and tell you to have a good time and call when you arrive so I can be sure you're safe. I would enjoy having some alone time. Not everyone is like that, though. Try to once every other month until the kids are a bit older.

L2: What edog said. If he's not 100% onboard, he will resent it. He's still trying to please his folks.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Mar 14, 2014
LW1: You are selfish and delusional. I donít think very many women would be happy with what you want.

Overnight visits once a month, uh, yeah, good luck with that. What are you closeted gay?

Itís a balance thing, and I think you want it too slanted to your side.
Not that my way is the only way, but I donít even go out with the guys for a late night once a month, much less spend the night someplace else once a month. Locally, I make it out for the night a handful of times a year with the guys and maybe do a long weekend trip once or twice a year usually on the bike. Seems to work for us, but my wife would not be happy if I wanted to go out once a month and not come home.

You are married with kids. You arenít a bachelor anymore. You need to learn to pick your battles and learn when too much is too much.

My buddy wanted me to go to myrtle beach bike week two weeks after we are going to Panama city bike week. I was like, dude, no ... I'm not even going to go down that road and ask what my wife thinks (I know what she would think about it already). Could I force the issue and go if I wanted to; probably, but I'm not doing that. It's called restraint and being reasonable and meeting each other half way.

LW2: Heís pussified. Cut bait.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Mar 14, 2014
I know people who go hunting every weekend during deer/duck/pheasant season. Isnt there a name for that? Something like hunting widows?
Are all these guy's way off base for doing that?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Mar 14, 2014
LW1: I hate to agree with Amy but she's right that the wife hears this: "I don't enjoy being a husband and father. I must escape our family as often as possible." And the LW needs to understand this.

Dump the kids with your mom and take *your wife* for a weekend away.

LW2: You may love him, but do you really want this tension in your marriage for your whole life? I doubt that he'd actually go through with it anyway, if after 6 years he hasn't stood up to them.

LW3: <sigh>

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#9 Mar 14, 2014
RACE wrote:
I know people who go hunting every weekend during deer/duck/pheasant season. Isnt there a name for that? Something like hunting widows?
Are all these guy's way off base for doing that?
It's usually one weekend. Gun hunting season in Wisconsin, for example, is about a week long.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#10 Mar 14, 2014
LW1 - Maybe it's just me, but I think being away from your family overnight once a month not on business is way too much. And if this guy proposes that his wife do getaway with her friends once a month, that leaves what? 2 weekends a month together as a family? That's just weird to me.

I think both partners deserve an occasional getaway with friends - a weekend fishing trip or camping trip or whatever it is that people like to do with their friends. Maybe a couple of times a year each. And a family vacation for a few days too. But 12 single getaways a year is a bit overboard in my book.

LW2 - You don't need to "prove yourself" to anybody. His family is racist, and while he may see it and not even like it, he still justifies it by the fact that it is, apparently, "their culture." It happens all the time: parents oppose their children marrying somebody of a different religion, ethnic background, skin color, etc. What you need to do is put your foot down: either he stands up to his family and you get married, or you need to move on.

LW3 - No rehash, thank you. I just ate.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Mar 14, 2014
L1 Beg? Demand? LW sounds like a drama queen and a spoiled brat who never grew up.

An annual week out with the guys? No problem.

A night out with the guys once a month? Okay.

A planned sleepover? Grow up.

L2 He will always be a Hmong. If you get married his family will not welcome you and he will be conflicted. If he were going to do something tat would have occurred during year 2 when it was clear the relationship was serious. After 6 years he won't force the issue . Cut your losses. Leave.... and don't be his booty call when he makes a traditional marriage to please his family..

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#12 Mar 14, 2014
Only 1 week?
http://www.dec.ny.gov/outdoor/28605.html
Here's NY and for deer and bear season it runs from late Sep to Dec 31
not to mention....
wild turkey season
water fowel season
migratory bird season
small game season
furbearer season

Apparently NY has more than 4 seasons.

Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
It's usually one weekend. Gun hunting season in Wisconsin, for example, is about a week long.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13 Mar 14, 2014
RACE wrote:
Only 1 week?
http://www.dec.ny.gov/outdoor/28605.html
Here's NY and for deer and bear season it runs from late Sep to Dec 31
not to mention....
wild turkey season
water fowel season
migratory bird season
small game season
furbearer season
Apparently NY has more than 4 seasons.
<quoted text>
Yeah, I'm not familiar with NY. I know in Norther IL and Wisconsin, it is usually a long weekend that guys go out.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#14 Mar 14, 2014
Well, I guess once you bag your limit, you're pretty much done for the season.
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
Yeah, I'm not familiar with NY. I know in Norther IL and Wisconsin, it is usually a long weekend that guys go out.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#15 Mar 15, 2014
Glance into the Future of LW1:

In the next ten years, he will:

(a) be surprised that his children don't listen to him or take him
seriously.
(b) not understand why his wife went to school while he was away
and has little time for him any more now that she has a career and/or
business of her own.
(c) get injured in a hunting accident and find out why his wife didn't
want her mother to take care of the kids when MIL becomes his care giver.
or
(d) other

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#16 Mar 17, 2014
1. What a b**yotch this wife is. It won't be long before the LW is looking for another wife.

2. Who cares.

3. Who cares.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Mar 17, 2014
Cass wrote:
LW1 - Maybe it's just me, but I think being away from your family overnight once a month not on business is way too much. And if this guy proposes that his wife do getaway with her friends once a month, that leaves what? 2 weekends a month together as a family? That's just weird to me.
I think both partners deserve an occasional getaway with friends - a weekend fishing trip or camping trip or whatever it is that people like to do with their friends. Maybe a couple of times a year each. And a family vacation for a few days too. But 12 single getaways a year is a bit overboard in my book.
LW2 - You don't need to "prove yourself" to anybody. His family is racist, and while he may see it and not even like it, he still justifies it by the fact that it is, apparently, "their culture." It happens all the time: parents oppose their children marrying somebody of a different religion, ethnic background, skin color, etc. What you need to do is put your foot down: either he stands up to his family and you get married, or you need to move on.
LW3 - No rehash, thank you. I just ate.
re lw1 : It sounds weird when you lay out the bare bones like that(and i thought the same) but when you flesh it out a little more, I don't think it sounds so terrible.

Overnight, to me, sounds like avoiding getong on the road drunk. Everyone meet at Bill's. Bill's the DD and we can all get shitfaced. Is it really a big difference to mom if dad stays out all night vs coming home at 3am full of booze?

Overnight does not mean gone the whole weekend, thus taking away the whole weekend from the family(double if the wife does it too). You go out with the fellas on Friday, crash at your friend's to slep it off, you go home saturday late morning. Still got Saturday & Sundauy evening with the family.

My kids are in bed by 8:30. Even if I leave to meet the fellas before that, that's not a great burden for one parent to fly solo a few hours once a month. Some parents see that as an opportunity for bonding. Hiw muh different is it from mom going out all afternoon and shopping with her mom? The WAKING hours of flying solo are probably greater in that scenario.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#18 Mar 17, 2014
_Annabella_ wrote:
1. What a b**yotch this wife is. It won't be long before the LW is looking for another wife.
2. Who cares.
3. Who cares.
Hello.

Welcome to the Reg's place which has a broader scope than just Chicago people.

Clearly you have been around Topix for a long time- have you been lurking? Guided tours of the inmates are free for the asking.

Where do you usually hang out?

New people are cheerfully welcomed- tell us a bit about yourself.

I am a middle aged lady with 2 grown kids living in the Chicago suburbs. You?

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#20 Mar 17, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>re lw1 : It sounds weird when you lay out the bare bones like that(and i thought the same) but when you flesh it out a little more, I don't think it sounds so terrible.
Overnight, to me, sounds like avoiding getong on the road drunk. Everyone meet at Bill's. Bill's the DD and we can all get shitfaced. Is it really a big difference to mom if dad stays out all night vs coming home at 3am full of booze?
There is no right or wrong. It all comes down to the people involved. A lot of women donít want their husband going out boozing it up once a month until late in the morning, especially if they arenít going to come home. It's a matter of frequency. I think itís important to discuss what you are expecting before you marry and have kids.

I knew once I got married, I wasnít going to be going out late into the night once a month. Not like we sat down and set limits and such before we married, but I just knew the person I was marrying and that this would cause some tension if I expected that. My wife isn't a big drinker and never has been. So, the hey, you can go out and party too once a month and not come home, isn't really the quid pro quid that this guy makes it out to be, because that doesn't interest her. This guy sounds similarly situated and given this I would be surprised if this guy didnít understand that too before he married. At the very least he should of.

So, it's really about knowing what you are signing up for. I will fault him for that. While you can say the same about her, I honestly donít know any guys with very young kids who go out partying once a month and who donít come home. I just donít and I donít hang with boy scouts and never have.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Hiw muh different is it from mom going out all afternoon and shopping with her mom?
LMAO. I canít say my experiences at 1 or 2 AM out on the town with the boys are anywhere close to what my wife experiences when she spends an afternoon shopping with her mom. That shyte that happens in a bar or a club late into the night never happens to my wife when she goes shopping with her mom. These are not even the two same things.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#21 Mar 17, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Hello.
Welcome to the Reg's place which has a broader scope than just Chicago people.
Clearly you have been around Topix for a long time- have you been lurking? Guided tours of the inmates are free for the asking.
Where do you usually hang out?
New people are cheerfully welcomed- tell us a bit about yourself.
I am a middle aged lady with 2 grown kids living in the Chicago suburbs. You?
No one needs to subject themselves to interrogation or reveal any information about themselves before they can post.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

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