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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Aug 21, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am a twice-divorced woman who has never been good at choosing the men in my life. Two years ago, I met a man who is 12 years my senior. He is sweet, thoughtful and caring, and would do just about anything for me. What started as companionship has turned into a full-blown love affair. The problem is that he is married.

His wife is not well. She has a chronic disease and other medical problems. The way he cares for her is what attracted me to him in the first place. He spends what time he can with me, but mostly he is there for his wife.

I am OK with the situation, as I don't want him to leave her for me. I have tried breaking it off with him, but he gets me to take him back, saying he doesn't know what he would do without me in his life. He is very strong-willed.

Abby, I feel like I'm in the background waiting for her to die so I can take her place as his wife, and I hate this feeling. What should I do?-- GUILTY IN KENTUCKY

DEAR GUILTY: Your feelings are well-founded. You are waiting in the background for this man's wife to die. But what if she doesn't?

You say you have never been good at choosing men, and I have to agree. Please don't think I am unsympathetic, but it's time to ask yourself why you chose to get involved with someone who isn't available except for a few stolen moments. If marriage is what you really want, your priority should be to find a man who doesn't have the kind of previous commitment this one does.

DEAR ABBY: I have recently been contacted by an old boyfriend who is now incarcerated. He claims I was the love of his life and he thought about me often after our breakup. He is now asking me to become his pen pal and send him money occasionally.

I have bitter memories of our relationship, so it's hard to believe he cared for me as much as he says. He is begging me not to "abandon" him or forget about him, but I don't want the role of pen pal and provider. How do I share my thoughts without hurting his feelings?-- RELUCTANT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR RELUCTANT: If you are smart, you won't respond to him at all. I have printed letters from more than one prison guard who wanted to warn kind-hearted, gullible women that inmates send multiple "solicitations" of this kind in the hope that several of the recipients will send money.

You are not responsible for this man's well-being. Since your breakup, your lives have obviously gone in polar opposite directions. My advice is to keep it that way, for your own sake.

DEAR ABBY: What is the proper way to dispose of leftover milk in your cereal bowl? To dump it out is wasteful, to spoon it up like soup seems a bit much, and to drink it right from the bowl seems rather cat-like. Does the answer differ if you are in your own kitchen vs. a restaurant or other residence?-- GOT MILK IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR GOT MILK: If you're in a restaurant, you should not lap liquid from the bowl. If you're at home -- anything goes. And if you have so much milk left in your bowl after the cereal has been consumed, you are pouring too much in and need to adjust the amount.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Aug 21, 2013
L1: "He is very strong willed." No, he's a horny older guy with a sick wife who has some regular action on the side. I was okay with this arrangement until you talked about how you tried to break it off but he gets pushy (I don't mean that in the "abusive" manner). THat tells me that he is selfish and very possibly lying to you about his wife. If he cared about you, he'd understand why you'd want out of that situation.

Maybe your picker is still broken.

L2: He doesn't give a crap about you. He just wants you to send him money. Don't do it. In fact, return all of his mail UNOPENED. THe last thing you need is for him to get out of prison and show up at your door... with a fellow ex-con buddy with him.

L3: Home? Drink it. REstaurant? Leave it. At someone else's house (not family, for example)? Dump it.

I have to leave the room when someone drinks the milk from their cereal bowl. IT literally makes me gag and nearly throw up.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Aug 21, 2013
I think PE will nail L1 in her response.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#4 Aug 21, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: "He is very strong willed." No, he's a horny older guy with a sick wife who has some regular action on the side. I was okay with this arrangement...
You're ok with a married man cheating on his sick wife?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Aug 21, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
You're ok with a married man cheating on his sick wife?
Yup. IF wife can't put out for the long term, I can understand finding some comfort/connection with another woman on the side. It's not that unusual.
Anonymous

Saint Petersburg, FL

#6 Aug 21, 2013
LW1: I think you need to step out of the dating game for awhile and maybe start delving deeper into why you pick the men you do. Leave this guy.

LW2: Ican't believe LW would even consider this! ESPECIALLY since the dude actually asked for money!!! And what kind of sicko would want to "befriend" a prisoner anyway? That's extra-special low self esteem.

LW3: While more of a question for Miss Manners, it was still a stupid question.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Aug 21, 2013
I figure, it beats divorcing your sick wife (that'd be pretty awful). Heck, there are couples who have this arrangement agreed upon and are okay with it. I just really don't care what other couples do.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#8 Aug 21, 2013
1 He is not strong willed, you're desperate.

2 I cant believe you are even considering this

3 How did you manage to go thru life this far without figuring this out? If you cant, maybe you should just not eat cereal.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#9 Aug 21, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Yup. IF wife can't put out for the long term, I can understand finding some comfort/connection with another woman on the side. It's not that unusual.
And what if it's not a mutual agreement? What if the wife had no idea? Would you still be okay with it? I think someone who would cheat on a sick spouse is deplorable. Do you take pride in your lack of morals?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#10 Aug 21, 2013
Dummy, Morals are not a one size fits all kinda thing, nor do you get to be the arbitrator of what is moral.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
And what if it's not a mutual agreement? What if the wife had no idea? Would you still be okay with it? I think someone who would cheat on a sick spouse is deplorable. Do you take pride in your lack of morals?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Aug 21, 2013
LW1: This response is stipulating that this guy's story is true (and I'm not very confident of that): You say you're ok with the situation, but in the next sentence you say you've tried to break up with him. You need to make up your mind and stick with it.

LW2: Just say no.

LW3: Using the spoon to finish off the milk was the best part when I was a kid. My mom only bought cheerio's and I would put a TON of sugar on them, so there'd always be a bunch of sugar in the bottom of the bowl when the cereal was gone. Yum!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#12 Aug 21, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
And what if it's not a mutual agreement? What if the wife had no idea? Would you still be okay with it? I think someone who would cheat on a sick spouse is deplorable. Do you take pride in your lack of morals?
So the guy can't have sex for 10 years because his wife is sick? Nah, I'm okay with him getting some action on the side if it means he stays with his wife and cares for her.

I just don't care what other people do as much as you do, apparently.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#13 Aug 21, 2013
LW1: If he truly cared about you and your interests, instead of just his own, he would discuss things openly with you and probably encourage you to find someone else, because you two are not on an equal footing. He should think that you deserve more than he can offer. Sometimes the true mark of love is letting something go, because you know it deserves more than you can offer. He doesnít see things this way and it sounds like it is all about him.

At the same time, it depends what you want out of the relationship. You want to replace his wife, but that may not ever happen. So, if you really want to be married, you may have to find someone else. Problem is it wonít be him. Sometimes you meet the right person at the wrong time.

Itís a tough situation and your call. You must decide what you want more Ö him and the limited time he can offer you or to be married.

LW2: Tell him he turned you gay and you no longer talk to men.

LW3: At home, I just drink mine from the bowl same with soup. In a restaurant I use a spoon for left over liquid of soup, and I would never order cereal in a restaurant.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#14 Aug 21, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
So the guy can't have sex for 10 years because his wife is sick? Nah, I'm okay with him getting some action on the side if it means he stays with his wife and cares for her.
I just don't care what other people do as much as you do, apparently.
In sickness and in health? Richer or poorer? As
long as one spouse is sick, the other has free reign to do as they please? What if one loses his job? Same? Marriage vowes mean nothing? No wonder you support gay marriage, you don't believe in the sanctity of marriage at all.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#15 Aug 21, 2013
RACE wrote:
Dummy, Morals are not a one size fits all kinda thing, nor do you get to be the arbitrator of what is moral.
<quoted text>
Screw you! You don't dictate what's moral either, nor do you dictate what others think is moral, so fk off!
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#16 Aug 21, 2013
Why do I get the feeling that LW1 is one of several dolls this male has collected?

Ditto LW2.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#17 Aug 21, 2013
Like sub said/implied, it's a complicated situation.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 Aug 21, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
In sickness and in health? Richer or poorer? As
long as one spouse is sick, the other has free reign to do as they please? What if one loses his job? Same? Marriage vowes mean nothing? No wonder you support gay marriage, you don't believe in the sanctity of marriage at all.
RIght. My telling a guy he can have sex on the side if his wife is unable to have sex for 10 years is giving him "free rein" (which is the correct, original phrase but some people erroneously say "free reign").(Hint: It's not. It's called "making the best of a bad situation.")

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#19 Aug 21, 2013
L1: You broke up once. Ask yourself why you did that. Then ask yourself how someone else can control you nad why THAT is a good thing. It isn't.

L2: Don't answer. You can't be that stupid.

L3: I'd have to go with Abby's answer. I can't believe the crap people write in about.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#20 Aug 21, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
I think PE will nail L1 in her response.
No need. She is already getting nailed.

Depends on what L1 wants. If she just needs some action occasionally without strings, she has it. If she wants a public relationship which might move to exclusive, it's not going to happen. When and if hs wife dies he will wind up with someone other than the Mistress.

FWIW I have known some otherwise decent men whose wives were dying of cancer who put moves on good friends. I took it as loneliness and a need for physical connection with someone who was not a stranger and did not judge them as cheating on a dying wife.

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