“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 May 4, 2013


DEAR AMY: My daughter had a child out of wedlock four years ago. My wife and I have supported them both emotionally and financially and by baby-sitting the child.

Now my daughter is engaged to a very good guy. She wants to have a wedding that will cost approximately $10,000, and she wants me to pay for it.

Considering the history, I feel this is a bit much and not fair to my wife and me. Am I wrong?-- Upset Dad

DEAR DAD: Estimates vary, but the average wedding these days costs somewhere around $30,000. Does this mean you must pay for your daughter’s lower-cost celebration?

Absolutely not.

You don’t mention what your daughter has been doing to build her own income, but with you and your wife supporting her and her child and also baby-sitting, this should have given her opportunities to further her education and put some money away for her family’s future.

In being there, emotionally and financially, during this important and challenging time, you have done the true heavy lifting of parenting. I hope she has expressed her gratitude.

Even the most generous parents have to draw the line somewhere. If this is your line, then draw it and stand firm.

DEAR AMY: My eldest daughter is a year away from becoming a doctor of psychology. We funded her undergraduate studies at a top Canadian university, and I have always encouraged her in her pursuits of higher education.

We discussed years ago that when she got married she would keep her surname for her doctorate, and she agreed. I have no issue with her taking her husband’s name in her private life, but I feel she’s had our family’s surname 28 years and should keep it.

I have no sons to carry on the family name. This is just so special to me and would mean so much. She hasn’t made a decision; she is already known professionally and has published using our family name. What are your thoughts?-- Very Proud Dad

DEAR VERY PROUD: I think your smart, accomplished psychologist daughter will find a way to detach, with love.

The great job you did raising your daughter and your generosity in funding her education does not mean that you get to control what name she uses professionally or personally. Her published work is a reflection of her accomplishments, not your reflected glory.

She may choose to keep her surname in both her professional and personal life. She may choose to change it altogether (and use her mother’s maiden name, for instance). I do know this: Pressuring her may actually influence her to act in opposition to you, simply to maintain her own personal independence and assert her well-earned adulthood (that’s the armchair psychologist in me talking).

You need only ask yourself: Would you be any less proud of your daughter if she chose to publish under a pen name? I hope not. Would she be any less a part of you if she took a different name? Definitely not.

DEAR AMY: The letter from “Frustrated Mother-in-Law,” struck a nerve with me.

I am an introverted male whose more outgoing in-laws decided they could “fix.” They would tease me about being quiet, would put me on the spot to make comments during conversations in which I had nothing to contribute and would loudly make fun of me in front of others.

Even my wife joined in, telling me she was “tired of explaining me to everyone.” For this and a few other related reasons, I don’t have much of a relationship with my in-laws. I agree with your comment, to celebrate the good things about introverted people. That, more than anything, might bring them out of their shell more than trying to “fix” them.-- A Quiet Man

DEAR QUIET: Many readers have recommended the wonderful book “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking” by Susan Cain (2013, Broadway). I highly recommend that you, your wife and in-laws, and anybody else seeking to understand introverts, read it for insight and inspiration.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 May 4, 2013
1 If you aint got the coin, you aint got the coin. Give what you can and wish them well.

2 That little wench better keep your name. You invested a lot and her accomplishments should be recognized under your sacrifice!

3 An introverts best friend if a sharp wit. I suggest you go find that friend. When you can turn an insult back on the speaker, they tend to shut up and leave you alone.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#3 May 4, 2013
LW1 - Tell her you already contributed. At an average low rent of $500 per month, you have already contributed $24000 to her without even counting the daycare.

LW2 - Your daughter can pick her own last name without your help.

LW3 - The minute my wife joined in I would be gone. What in the hell kind of family is this?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 May 4, 2013
L1 I'm sorry honey- we can't afford it, but we will cover the flowers .

If the real reason is that you don't thin an unwed mother should have a fancy wedding, that's another issue

L2 I appreciate the impulse.My Il's did that with my SIL. They did not hive her a middle name so that when she got married she would have to use her maiden name in the middle.I am offended by this LW who thinks that because he paid the tuition he calls all the shots. It guys like this that sparked the Women's Lib movement. Talk about superficial change or lip service

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#5 May 4, 2013
1- Congrats on raising an entitled brat.

2- She can choose her own last name. Should have had a son if you're so worried about your family name.

3- Can you understand or appreciate the fact that your "introvertedness" can come off as anti social and rude? Instead of expecting everyone to understand where YOU'RE coming from, why don't you try to understand it yourself?

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#6 May 4, 2013
PEllen wrote:
L1 I'm sorry honey- we can't afford it, but we will cover the flowers .
If the real reason is that you don't thin an unwed mother should have a fancy wedding, that's another issue
L2 I appreciate the impulse.My Il's did that with my SIL. They did not hive her a middle name so that when she got married she would have to use her maiden name in the middle.I am offended by this LW who thinks that because he paid the tuition he calls all the shots. It guys like this that sparked the Women's Lib movement. Talk about superficial change or lip service
Agree with both. LW1 I think it is about the fact that they don't think she "deserves" a "real" wedding.

Ok so why did your ILs think your SIL would "have" to use her maiden name in the middle. She could have simply changed from Jane Doe to Jane Due and still had no middle name. I don't get why people are so worried about what name someone else uses. As long as no one is trying to be shady by pretending to be someone else, a person's name is a very personal thing.

Warning: All text beyond this point is like a stream of consciousness...read at your own risk.

I couldn't WAIT to change my lat name. It's not a bad name or overly difficult or anything, but I hated it. I also decided in the second grade that I would change my first name at the first opportunity. It's also not a bad name, but it's old fashioned (even back then) and it's really a nickname rather than a proper name (e.g. my sister Patty was named Patricia...not some cutsey little girl name she would have to carry around forever) and got to be rather annoying when I would have to say "that IS my legal name...<sigh>

Neither of my parents were exactly happy about it, but it wasn't about them. I spent a lot of time choosing Chris' name so he would have a proper, formal name (Christopher Anthony) but still have the latitude to mix it up any way he chose (my dad called him Tony), and he went through a period of time he didn't like it. He went by "Christoph" for a while, guess the "er" was just too much to handle lol. I would have been sad, but understood if he's chosen to change it (not a hypocrite) but by a year or so before he died he's decided that it was actually a good name.

When I got married last time I didn't change my last name again. Hassle, expense, had this same last name since I was 21...why bother? Not that his last name was bad, in fact I was pleased that it was pretty simple and not a complicated Arabic name (it's actually Italian), but still I didn't want to hassle with it...so I didn't.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#7 May 4, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- Congrats on raising an entitled brat.
2- She can choose her own last name. Should have had a son if you're so worried about your family name.
3- Can you understand or appreciate the fact that your "introvertedness" can come off as anti social and rude? Instead of expecting everyone to understand where YOU'RE coming from, why don't you try to understand it yourself?
Men can change their last names too. Just saying...

Introverts become physically exhausted by all the activity and talking by extroverts. It's not being rude, it's not being shy, it is being overwhelmed by excessive stimuli. People would do well to just STFU for a while sometimes. It's so not necessary to be constantly active.

MY (bad) ex ended up getting kicked in the face because he would just not let me be alone to think about stuff after an argument once. It was his fault for sitting on the floor by my feet.

I told him to leave me a lone for just ten freaking minutes. I knew I was overstimulated, I knew I need a few minutes alone, a few minutes of quiet, but he would not let it go...I freaking BEGGED him to just get the hell out of my face for a few minutes...then he decided to put his hands on me...it was a reflex...

He did finally move away and give me the time I needed.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#8 May 4, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
Men can change their last names too. Just saying...
Introverts become physically exhausted by all the activity and talking by extroverts. It's not being rude, it's not being shy, it is being overwhelmed by excessive stimuli. People would do well to just STFU for a while sometimes. It's so not necessary to be constantly active.
MY (bad) ex ended up getting kicked in the face because he would just not let me be alone to think about stuff after an argument once. It was his fault for sitting on the floor by my feet.
I told him to leave me a lone for just ten freaking minutes. I knew I was overstimulated, I knew I need a few minutes alone, a few minutes of quiet, but he would not let it go...I freaking BEGGED him to just get the hell out of my face for a few minutes...then he decided to put his hands on me...it was a reflex...
He did finally move away and give me the time I needed.
A million years ago, my ex kept going on and on and wouldn't shut up. I picked up a huge cut-glass vase and threw it into the fireplace. You should have seen the look on his face and....he SHUT UP!

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#9 May 4, 2013
Shari23 wrote:
<quoted text>
A million years ago, my ex kept going on and on and wouldn't shut up. I picked up a huge cut-glass vase and threw it into the fireplace. You should have seen the look on his face and....he SHUT UP!
heh What *is* it with guys who won't just shut the hell up? It's like dude, you are not going to "fix" anything right now, or ever if you don't get out of my face, so just, you know, leave me alone for a while.

If otoh a guy understands that I need quiet and solitude from time to time, I'm not cheating, not thinking of some nefarious way to spend his money, not thinking about abandoning him...I just need time to recharge and relax alone a few...he would have my undying devotion.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#10 May 4, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
heh What *is* it with guys who won't just shut the hell up? It's like dude, you are not going to "fix" anything right now, or ever if you don't get out of my face, so just, you know, leave me alone for a while.
If otoh a guy understands that I need quiet and solitude from time to time, I'm not cheating, not thinking of some nefarious way to spend his money, not thinking about abandoning him...I just need time to recharge and relax alone a few...he would have my undying devotion.
Agreed but don't get me started. I went through hell with that guy - it was the longest 3 years of my life. And I said "never again".

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#11 May 4, 2013
Shari23 wrote:
<quoted text>
Agreed but don't get me started. I went through hell with that guy - it was the longest 3 years of my life. And I said "never again".
You're a better woman than I. I wasted five years. <sigh>
Julie

Chicago, IL

#12 May 4, 2013
LW2: You sound like a controlling ahole. Let.It.Go.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#13 May 5, 2013
Honey, I coud give you weeks of that and yanno what? Then I would be vilified for being uncaring
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
.I just need time to recharge and relax alone a few...he would have my undying devotion.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#14 May 5, 2013
Well, not with you of course.... I was just saying.. in general

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