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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Apr 10, 2013
DEAR AMY: We are three close women friends who have known each other for more than 30 years. One of us has been dating a man for six years.

He said that he was married at the beginning of their relationship, and now he says that his wife died 18 months ago of cancer. We always suspected that he was lying.

Since then we have collected irrefutable evidence that his wife is still alive and that he still lives with her.

On several occasions, we have tried to give some hints that our friend should look further into his story, but she seems to be in denial. We do not know what to do.

Should we tell her the truth? Should we let it go until she realizes he is leading a double life? Should we talk to him and ask him to disappear from her life?

We know that she will be devastated if they break up. We are desperate to know what to do.-- Two Desperate Friends

DEAR FRIENDS: Regardless of what your friend knows or believes, friends tell one another the truth. And then friends stick around for the aftermath.

Holding on to this irrefutable evidence puts the two of you in the uncomfortable position of knowing more about your friend's life than she does. I suggest you present her with your proof, leaving nothing out and making no specific recommendations about what she must do. Tell her that it makes you uncomfortable to be in the know when she is not. Say that you hope she ultimately chooses to be with someone who is honest and authentic, but that it is her choice alone to make.

DEAR AMY: I think my 38-year-old married daughter may be descending into mental illness. She takes any small criticism or piece of advice and turns it into an all-out war, attacking all of those around her.

During these episodes, which may last for days or weeks, she is convinced that everyone is against her and that I am the all-time worst mother in the world. She calls everyone in the family and argues her case. The family calls me to find out what is wrong with her.

She has had a very good job for about 10 years, but I don't know how long it can last. She has had to leave work on occasions because she just can't hold it together. She also sends me nasty and hurtful emails.

I honestly don't know how her husband of 10 years stands it because he is the subject of her wrath too. The only one she doesn't attack is my 11-year-old grandson. I adore him, and he is a witness to all of this.

I have suggested counseling, but she refuses, saying that they are all against her. I have suggested antidepressants, which put her into attack mode again.

When she is not like this, she is fun and personable -- and everyone likes her a lot. Any suggestions?-- Distraught

DEAR DISTRAUGHT: I agree that your daughter's behavior could be an indication that she is mentally ill. Realistically, you cannot force another adult into treatment. Because of this, you need to do everything possible to steel yourself to her rages and cushion your grandson from the fallout of life with someone who is unstable. Continue to be supportive of her husband. You can imagine that he walks on eggshells at home.

Your reaction to your daughter should be consistent: "You are raging; I don't like it. I'm worried about you. I hope you will get help. You can feel better if you get a diagnosis and treatment." Beyond that, you don't have to explain her behavior to other people. Continue to be an understanding, stable, loving and supportive grandmother.

DEAR AMY: I have a solution for "Quilter in a Quagmire," whose son and daughter-in-law didn't seem grateful for a quilt she gave them for her unborn grandchild.

She could make a special quilt for the child and keep it in her home for the child to use during visits.-- Peaceful Solution

DEAR PEACEFUL: Other readers also suggested this solution. I like it!

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Apr 10, 2013
1 Shes been dating 6YRS! She knows about the wife, your kidding yourself to think otherwise.

2 Baker act her.

3 This rehash is getting frayed edges.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Apr 10, 2013
LW1: She's been with him for 3 years and never been to his house? She's being deliberately ignorant. She does not want to know the truth.

LW2: "She takes any small criticism or piece of advice and turns it into an all-out war"
So stop criticizing her. That was easy.

LW3: The couple should have said thank you, but I just don't get these people that put such great value on a friggin quilt. Make a "special" one to keep at her house for when the grandchild comes over? A $20 Walmart special will do the same job.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Apr 10, 2013
LW1: Oh. 6 years. Even better. There is no way this woman is so in the dark. No way this dude is living with his wife without this chick knowing. She's the other woman. She knows it. She just tells you a story that makes her seem like less of a whore.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#5 Apr 10, 2013
Tonka.
I beg to differ.
You may purchase your favorite generic football jersey at Walmart and which will suffice just fine, but a well made quilt is a one-of-a-kind work of art.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#6 Apr 10, 2013
L1: "Since then we have collected irrefutable evidence" Wait, what? You sound horrid.

L2: I agree your daughter sounds like she needs professional medical help, but maybe stop criticizing her and stop giving her advice. That alone makes you annoying. Knock that off.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Apr 10, 2013
loose cannon wrote:
Tonka.
I beg to differ.
You may purchase your favorite generic football jersey at Walmart and which will suffice just fine, but a well made quilt is a one-of-a-kind work of art.
Quilt equals art
Tattoo not equals art.

Got it.

“Colorful Beyond Words ”

Since: May 11

" Live, Laugh, Love "

#8 Apr 10, 2013
LW1. What Amy said. If she finds out later you two knew and didn't say anything... the friendship will be over.

LW2. Sounds like a professional needs called. Good luck. Mental illness is very difficult to confront.

“Colorful Beyond Words ”

Since: May 11

" Live, Laugh, Love "

#9 Apr 10, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Quilt equals art
Tattoo not equals art.
Got it.
Quilting is more of a folk art.

Tattoos ... IDK.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Apr 10, 2013
Hatti_Hollerand wrote:
<quoted text>
Quilting is more of a folk art.
Tattoos ... IDK.
To each their own. to me, a quilt is a blanket. A comforter. A functional item. Can it be nice looking? Sure. But *I* don't have any special appreciation for them.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#11 Apr 10, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 Shes been dating 6YRS! She knows about the wife, your kidding yourself to think otherwise.
2 Baker act her.
Literally exactly what I was going to say. Thanks for making it easy this morning!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#12 Apr 10, 2013
1- How is it you know so much about this guy, but she is totally clueless? Like we learned yesterday, so what if he's married, there are no rules in marriage anymore.

2- How about you quit trying to arm chair diagnose your daughter and force meds on her? And besides, she's her husband's problem, have you asked him about it?

3- People should be appreciative of things others do for them.

Tonka, a handmade quilt passed down for generations has FAR greater meaning than a factory made quilt bought at a WalMart sale! How can you even compare the two as one in the same?

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#13 Apr 10, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> To each their own. to me, a quilt is a blanket. A comforter. A functional item. Can it be nice looking? Sure. But *I* don't have any special appreciation for them.
I appreciate the work that goes into them, even if I would prefer to put one that was machine made on my bed.

Why do kids' bedding come with quilts anyway? You are not supposed to put blankets of any sort in with babies, so we ended up hanging the quilt on the wall. Dust catcher!

Are we going to get into a discussion about art? I don't get it, especially abstract art. People pay good money for paint thrown on canvas or pieces of metal welded together just because someone else told them it was "art". But, to each his own, I guess. My house is decorated with maps and pictures of places we have visited. No abstract or impressionistic stuff here. Oh, and we have a huge picture of a Great White as the focal point of our living room.

Sorry, too much caffeine already...
pde

Palatine, IL

#14 Apr 10, 2013
Jess in NJ wrote:
<quoted text>
Why do kids' bedding come with quilts anyway? You are not supposed to put blankets of any sort in with babies, so we ended up hanging the quilt on the wall. Dust catcher!
My kid's bed converted to a toddler bed using the same mattress, and we used the quilt from the bedding set when it was a toddler bed.

Since they don't sell top sheets that fit that particular mattress size ... the baby bedding quilt was easy to wash.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#15 Apr 10, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
Tonka, a handmade quilt passed down for generations has FAR greater meaning than a factory made quilt bought at a WalMart sale! How can you even compare the two as one in the same?
Pretty simple. I have no such 'heirlooms' in my family. I see a quilt as an item with a functional purpose. Additionally, if I had to guess, this handmade deal probably requires special care and can't just get tossed in the washing machine every couple weeks. I know you mentioned something a while ago about hanging something like that on the wall. trust me when I tell you, I will NEVER have a quilt hanging on my wall.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Apr 10, 2013
LW1: She just doesn't want to tell you she's banging a married guy. So she makes that shyte up.

LW2: You canít force someone to seek treatment in this case. Just try your best to navigate stormy waters.

LW3: Iíd love a quilt. I still have my afghan that my god mother quilted for me when I was a baby. My kids like to use it knowing that it was mine.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Apr 10, 2013
Jess in NJ wrote:
I appreciate the work that goes into them, even if I would prefer to put one that was machine made on my bed.
That's part of the issue. I understand its probably not the easiest thing to make, but just because you put time and effort into something does not automatically mean I need to love and cherish it. If my uncle was a woodworker and made a sexy leg lamp like in A Christmas Story, no one's gonna have a problem if I don't put that out on my living room end table no matter how much work he put into making it.

If you are a master at some craft and you want to make something for someone else, it would be wise to find out if they would actually want whatever it is that you make. I'd much rather do that than go thru the time and effort only for them to keep the fruits of my labor tucked away in a closet. I'd hate to find out they only bring it out when they know I'm visiting.

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#18 Apr 10, 2013
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
My kid's bed converted to a toddler bed using the same mattress, and we used the quilt from the bedding set when it was a toddler bed.
Since they don't sell top sheets that fit that particular mattress size ... the baby bedding quilt was easy to wash.
We had the same type of bed, but by the time the boys were old enough to use it as a toddler bed, they had outgrown the babyish pattern of the nursery bedding and wanted Thomas the Tank Engine or Cars blankets.

How long did yours stay in the toddler bed? I don't even think that mine use it for more than a year.

I am cranky today. It is beautiful outside and I want to ride my bike, but I have housework to do now and my Grandmother has a doctor's appointment with a new dermatologist after lunch. I need to snap out of this mood.

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#19 Apr 10, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> That's part of the issue. I understand its probably not the easiest thing to make, but just because you put time and effort into something does not automatically mean I need to love and cherish it. If my uncle was a woodworker and made a sexy leg lamp like in A Christmas Story, no one's gonna have a problem if I don't put that out on my living room end table no matter how much work he put into making it.
If you are a master at some craft and you want to make something for someone else, it would be wise to find out if they would actually want whatever it is that you make. I'd much rather do that than go thru the time and effort only for them to keep the fruits of my labor tucked away in a closet. I'd hate to find out they only bring it out when they know I'm visiting.
My Grandmother used to crochet. One of the last blankets she made was for my older son (it may have actually been the last blanket). He received so many blankets, handmade and storebought, that I can't remember which was hers. I feel horrible.

When I was in college, she made me one that was red, white and blue. It got ruined when I left it in a garbage bag in a garage over the summer for storage. Everything got moldy :(

Moral of the story - don't give me sentimental stuff

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Apr 10, 2013
Jess in NJ wrote:
<quoted text>
We had the same type of bed, but by the time the boys were old enough to use it as a toddler bed, they had outgrown the babyish pattern of the nursery bedding and wanted Thomas the Tank Engine or Cars blankets.
How long did yours stay in the toddler bed? I don't even think that mine use it for more than a year.
I am cranky today. It is beautiful outside and I want to ride my bike, but I have housework to do now and my Grandmother has a doctor's appointment with a new dermatologist after lunch. I need to snap out of this mood.
I bought my crib used. When my first got old enough that he was climbing over and about to fall out, we knew we needed a bed. So we went out and got one that weekend. Then found out after the fact that the crib could have converted to a toddler bed.

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