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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Apr 2, 2014
DEAR AMY: I have been with my boyfriend for more than five years. We live together and have two wonderful children together.

We are both fast approaching 30 and are generally content with our relationship. I, however, have a nagging insecurity that won't seem to go away.

While my boyfriend tells me that he loves me and wants to be with me forever, he has not proposed or even given any hint that marriage might be in our future.

I am happy to be with him, and I know that marriage is not necessary to prove that we love each other, but the fact that he doesn't seem to want to marry me makes me a little insecure.

Am I overreacting? Is this something I need to get over?-- Impatient

DEAR IMPATIENT: I don't hold the rock-solid position that partners -- or parents -- must be married to succeed, longer term.

But to call someone you've been with for five years (who is also the father of your children) your "boyfriend?" This cannot be.

You may think I'm dwelling on the trivial, but my point is that if you think of, and refer to, him as a "partner" (for instance) instead of a boyfriend, it might codify your relationship in a way that makes you more comfortable.

It might also inspire both of you to act less like boyfriend and girlfriend and more like partners, and face this challenging, intimate issue honestly.

If you truly believe that marriage is not necessary to your future success as a couple and as parents, then you don't need my input. But my objective view is that a guy who could bring two children into the world and not want to marry the mother of his children is quite simply a guy who will never marry the mother of his children.

If you can think of him as your partner and "just get over" this important issue, then you should. Because so far, you don't really have much choice.

DEAR AMY: I am 24 and have the opportunity to move from my hometown to a town five hours away. I would be leaving my family (parents and sibling), a few friends and our pets and moving in with a cousin and her boyfriend in a new town, with a new job and new opportunities.

My problem is that I am no longer sure I want to make the move!

I feel scared. I visited the area, saw the new place and saw the places I applied to work last week. Yet all the excitement I felt last week is gone.

I can't get over the whole "leaving everything I know" part. I'd be leaving a family I am very close to and pets I can't go a day without seeing.

I feel lost and as if I am drowning. I don't know what to do. Should I stay home and keep doing what I've been doing -- working on getting my own place? Or should I leave everything I know to go try my hand at a new place with new people and the possibility of adventure and happiness?-- Torn

DEAR TORN: I think you should be brave and try this. The experience of leaving home and living in a new place will teach you so much about yourself; these lessons cannot be learned any other way.

One of the things you might learn, ultimately, is that you absolutely love your hometown and want to return to it. And then you can move back, love it fiercely and remove all doubt about where you should live.

DEAR AMY: "Little Sis" described her sister as a "hypochondriac" because of her constant medical complaints.

For 10 years, my sister-in-law complained about not feeling well. Many doctors could not find any cause. She also talked incessantly about her health, and I privately thought she was a little nuts. Finally she was diagnosed with ALS, slowly got worse and died three to four years after diagnosis.

I feel terrible and guilty about judging her.-- Julie

DEAR JULIE: Many readers suggested that this sister might have an actual undiagnosed medical condition. Thank you all.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Apr 2, 2014
1- "Partner" is reserved for gay couples. And once again Amy just assumes that because he hasn't married you yet, he never will.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Apr 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- "Partner" is reserved for gay couples. And once again Amy just assumes that because he hasn't married you yet, he never will.
After 2 kids, I don't think Amy's taking much of a gamble by saying he'll never marry her.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#4 Apr 2, 2014
1 Man bashing again. Why is it the mans fault their not married? Doesn't it take two? Cant she propose?

2 What a baby! Your not mature enough to leave the nest, your only 24 after all....

3 I doubt you were the only one, so quit beating yourself up.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#5 Apr 2, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>After 2 kids, I don't think Amy's taking much of a gamble by saying he'll never marry her.
Knew a couple who had two kids and were together for twelve years before getting married.

There's no time table to this kind of thing. You can't just assume that because it's been five years, it will never happen.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Apr 2, 2014
L1: It is most unlikely they will ever get married. Could they? Sure. The odds are against it. While it doesn't say in the letter, I'm assuming the LW has brought it up before. I really don't know why she wrote in. She wants to know if she's overreacting? Hmmm. Sounds like a discussion she should have with her partner. Yes, partner. That term is not reserved only for gay couples.:D

L2: I don't think the LW is a baby. For 24 years she has been in one place, wants to go out and explore the world, does something about it and is now freaking out b/c she's lived only one place her whole life. Sounds like she's normal to me. She should move. She hasn't let it sink in that you can move back.

L3: I have a female relative that has a male partner (they've been together for over 25 years) who complains all the time about his health. He's convinced now he has lupus. He could, who knows. After more than 25 year of thinking he's a hypochondriac, I'm not going to feel that bad that I thought that when he dies of something. He's got to be about 65 now. He'll eventually hit on something that he dies from. Can you tell I don't like him much?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Apr 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- "Partner" is reserved for gay couples. And once again Amy just assumes that because he hasn't married you yet, he never will.
Is it just for gays?

One of my best friends( age 67) has been with a guy for close to 20 years. We don't give R a label among ourselves because we don't have to, but I was trying to identify him to someone else in a conversation the other day and stumbled on the label.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Apr 2, 2014
LW1: This is something you should have fully discussed before you had children. Itís kind of a fundamental thing a couple should discuss before things get too serious Ö at least to the degree of discussing how you each feel about it and what you each want Ö not saying you need to have a date set in stone.

You two didnít do this. He might not want to get married. There is also nothing wrong with this on his part. Now you are 5 years and 2 kids into a relationship and you still donít know if he will want to do what you want and marry you. Itís kind of your own fault.

LW2: GTFO. Itís a great big world. If you donít ever leave your podunk hometown you wonít ever know what is out there or if you like it better.

LW3: I suppose.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Apr 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Knew a couple who had two kids and were together for twelve years before getting married.
There's no time table to this kind of thing. You can't just assume that because it's been five years, it will never happen.
Do you think your friends are the norm or the exception. I have no studies to cite, so don't ask, but I consider them the exception. I don't believe that it happens very often that people have multiple kids out of wedlock then decide to get married.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Apr 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Knew a couple who had two kids and were together for twelve years before getting married.
There's no time table to this kind of thing. You can't just assume that because it's been five years, it will never happen.
Would you agree with her if she added one extra word?

"But my objective view is that a guy who could bring two children into the world and not want to marry the mother of his children is quite simply a guy who LIKELY will never marry the mother of his children."

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#11 Apr 2, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Is it just for gays?
One of my best friends( age 67) has been with a guy for close to 20 years. We don't give R a label among ourselves because we don't have to, but I was trying to identify him to someone else in a conversation the other day and stumbled on the label.
SO or longtime bf would be better than partner, IMO. I just cringe when straight folks refer to their SO as their partner.

I had a colleague of mine out in Boulder refer to her boyfriend as her partner. I must have given her the "what; are you gay" look because she immediately said boyfriend after she just referred to him as her partner.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Apr 2, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
SO or longtime bf would be better than partner, IMO. I just cringe when straight folks refer to their SO as their partner.
I had a colleague of mine out in Boulder refer to her boyfriend as her partner. I must have given her the "what; are you gay" look because she immediately said boyfriend after she just referred to him as her partner.
So much easier if folks do the engagement ring w/o the wedding. Then it's fiance.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#13 Apr 2, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: This is something you should have fully discussed before you had children. Itís kind of a fundamental thing a couple should discuss before things get too serious.
I'm assuming at least one kid came before their relationship progressed to the point of discussing long-term plans

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#14 Apr 2, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Do you think your friends are the norm or the exception. I have no studies to cite, so don't ask, but I consider them the exception. I don't believe that it happens very often that people have multiple kids out of wedlock then decide to get married.
I find that point rather irrelevant. I wasn't discussing the commonality, just pointing out it happens

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#15 Apr 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm assuming at least one kid came before their relationship progressed to the point of discussing long-term plans
The pregnancy might have, but that still gave them 9 months to discuss long term plans.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 Apr 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I find that point rather irrelevant. I wasn't discussing the commonality, just pointing out it happens
But she's offering advice to someone who wants to get married. Whether or not its likely to happen is very relevant.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#17 Apr 2, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
So much easier if folks do the engagement ring w/o the wedding. Then it's fiance.
I just don't understand folks insecurity about using the term bf or gf.

If people want folks to think they are more than just bf or gf, then get married instead of effing up the English language with ambiguous terms that make it sound like you are gay rather than in a LTR.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#18 Apr 2, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm assuming at least one kid came before their relationship progressed to the point of discussing long-term plans
Perhaps, and while it would have been better to discuss future plans together before any such child, such a pregnancy should act as an even greater impetus for a rational couple to discuss future plans and outlooks with each other.

It's not a good idea to pop out one kid, much less multiple kids without having some sort of collective vision about where you wanna go in life.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#20 Apr 2, 2014
LW1: I agree that nowadays "partner" generally means gay. long term bf is fone. Or baby daddy. They should have thought about this before making babies together.

LW2: Good advice.

LW3: Just because someone is sick and doesn't feel well doesn't mean they need to complain about it CONSTANTLY, even if it is a serious illness. Complaining doesn't get anyone anywhere.
Observational

Chicago, IL

#21 Apr 2, 2014
Brokeback Mountain LLC wrote:
Wait a minute- if a lawyer talks about "making partner", is he talking about gay stuff with the other lawyers? Yikes!
Don't you have to work at a professional firm to become a partner?

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