“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 22, 2014
DEAR AMY: I am a 23-year-old professional, with a good full-time job.

I was raised in a religious family with strict and traditional views, and have been told how I should live. I have had a wonderful boyfriend for well over three years. We plan to get married when we are a bit older and financially ready, but we would like to live together beforehand.

We love each other very much, and my family loves and respects him. I am afraid to tell my parents where I will be living. They believe that I can only move out of their house when I am married. I am worried that they will be angry and upset with me if I move out to live with my boyfriend.

I love my parents and do not want to give them a hard time, but I need my independence and I feel like a child still living at home. I am constantly upset that I can't make my own decisions. I no longer want to live under their roof but I just do not have the courage to tell them.

Can you help?-- Want Out

DEAR OUT: When I have a tough conversation coming up, I write down my thoughts and rehearse ahead of time. Then I ask myself: "Am I brave enough to do this? Can I tolerate the other person's disappointment?"

And so I ask you: Can you survive disappointing your parents?(You can.) Will they survive being disappointed in you?(They will.)

You have to be mature enough to take responsibility for your choice, without blaming your parents for their value system or its impact on you.

You should start your conversation by thanking them for caring so much about you. Tell them you love them. And then tell them you're moving because you're an adult and it is time for you to fly from the nest.

Your parents will act out. They may try to manipulate you by threatening to sever their relationship with you. Stay calm. Say, "I know this is upsetting for you, but I hope you'll come to understand that I need to grow up and move out."

DEAR AMY: I moved to a Third-World country for my husband's job a year ago, and my best friend has disappointed me.

She fails to call me on a free local U.S. number. Instead, she texts me long messages to stay in touch. She is not married, has no kids and works full time. I know she's busy but I'm hurt that she doesn't make much of an effort to be closer.

She called me on my birthday. I called her back a couple of hours later, and I left a voice mail saying it would be nice to hear her voice.

After two weeks with no reply I called her to make sure she was OK. She called late at night, left a voice mail and then texted me.

I don't want to ruin our friendship, but it hurts that she's careless and she calls me her "best friend." What should I do?-- Forgotten friend

DEAR FORGOTTEN: Let's review: Your friend did call you. You didn't answer. You left her a voice mail saying, "It would be good to hear your voice" when you had just heard her voice. She left you another voice mail late at night (again, you did not answer when she called).

I suspect the biggest issue here might be the time difference between your countries. That's why texting and email might work the best for you.

You also might supplement your friendship through Facebook, sharing photos and comments back and forth with no time pressure.

DEAR AMY: I thought your advice to "Concerned Friend" was great. She seemed very eager to share her opinion about her friend's daughter's cancer prognosis.

I went through this when I had cancer. I literally could not believe some of the crazy theories and opinions people felt free to share with me. This was incredibly intrusive and not helpful.-- Cancer Survivor

DEAR SURVIVOR: I have a sign over my desk: "Unsolicited advice is always self-serving." And when someone is ill, it is downright disrespectful.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Mar 22, 2014
1- " I am a 23-year-old professional"

Sure you are. God, today's youth

2- Olee cr@p, I completely agree with Amy!

3- Don't remember the issue, don't care. Wish Amy didn't do rehashes from three months ago. Wish she didn't do rehashes period....

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#3 Mar 22, 2014
1.Odds are the girl is South Asian f/k/a Indian. That would explain the fact that she is professional and has very very strong family ties. I don't know enough about the Hindu culture to say of the parents would shun her or eventually forgive her; observant Muslim families seem willing to cast out errant children even though honor killings are very rare

2. Time zone issues are possible unless LW has been posted to Paraguay or Brazil from New York or something

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#4 Mar 22, 2014
1. You're not old enough to leave your parents house, if you can't even stand up to them.

2. Another child pretending to be an adult. Grow up! Quit pouting.

3. Who cares.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#5 Mar 22, 2014
LW1: I know two young couples whose parents would not have approved of them living together before marriage.(One is Chinese and the other is Mexican-American, FWIW.) Both of them handled this problem by maintaining separate residences. This is what you should do. Living independently of your parents and your boyfriend will definitely help you to become your own person apart from both your parents and your boyfriend. Get a female roommate if rents are high and spread your wings. Your parents will get over it.

LW2: It's harder to keep in touch when friends move away, so just keep trying your best and stop being a drama queen about it.

LW3: I'll say it again: Many people do not know how to handle illnesses and death. They will say a lot of stupid things. This is a time to learn how to think carefully before speaking and say less.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#6 Mar 22, 2014
1: Moving from your parents' home to sharing one with your boyfriend is not a way to gain independence and maturity. Try living on your own for awhile. I advise all young folks to do this at some point before marriage (or living with a bf/gf) just so they'll have more of an idea of what independence is. If you move into your bf's home, you are not living independently; you will simply be dependent on him instead of your parents. It's good to know you can be on your own should things go bad and you someday face a situation of losing your loved one and are at the same time thrust into being on your own. We see letters from women who have never been on their own and are afraid to leave abusive relationships because they don't think they can go it alone. I doubt your parents will be as upset if you are living alone (or with a female friend if you need someone to share the expenses) than if you are living with a bf.
bounday painter

San Antonio, TX

#7 Mar 22, 2014
Team Pippa for LW1.
Glance into the future for LW3: When that insensitive know-it -all
squawked a ridiculous idea about cancer, LW3:
(a) smiled or laughed quietly at the analogy that when a donkey brays it doesn't have to be answered.
(b) ignored the know-it-all
(c) shrugged and said, "Your listening skills really stink."
or
(d) other
blunt advice

Pompton Lakes, NJ

#8 Mar 22, 2014
1. Getting married when financially ready= having enough money for a lavish wedding. So elope, have a low budget affair, or stay with parents and you can keep saving money up for your event.
2. Maybe your friend just really hates talking on the phone. I know I do. Not anything against anyone just would rather email or text.
oops

Bentonville, AR

#9 Mar 22, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
DEAR AMY: I am a 23-year-old professional, with a good full-time job.
I was raised in a religious family with strict and traditional views, and have been told how I should live. I have had a wonderful boyfriend for well over three years. We plan to get married when we are a bit older and financially ready, but we would like to live together beforehand.
We love each other very much, and my family loves and respects him. I am afraid to tell my parents where I will be living. They believe that I can only move out of their house when I am married. I am worried that they will be angry and upset with me if I move out to live with my boyfriend.
I love my parents and do not want to give them a hard time, but I need my independence and I feel like a child still living at home. I am constantly upset that I can't make my own decisions. I no longer want to live under their roof but I just do not have the courage to tell them.
Can you help?-- Want Out
DEAR OUT: When I have a tough conversation coming up, I write down my thoughts and rehearse ahead of time. Then I ask myself: "Am I brave enough to do this? Can I tolerate the other person's disappointment?"
And so I ask you: Can you survive disappointing your parents?(You can.) Will they survive being disappointed in you?(They will.)
You have to be mature enough to take responsibility for your choice, without blaming your parents for their value system or its impact on you.
You should start your conversation by thanking them for caring so much about you. Tell them you love them. And then tell them you're moving because you're an adult and it is time for you to fly from the nest.
Your parents will act out. They may try to manipulate you by threatening to sever their relationship with you. Stay calm. Say, "I know this is upsetting for you, but I hope you'll come to understand that I need to grow up and move out."
DEAR AMY: I moved to a Third-World country for my husband's job a year ago, and my best friend has disappointed me.
She fails to call me on a free local U.S. number. Instead, she texts me long messages to stay in touch. She is not married, has no kids and works full time. I know she's busy but I'm hurt that she doesn't make much of an effort to be closer.
She called me on my birthday. I called her back a couple of hours later, and I left a voice mail saying it would be nice to hear her voice.
After two weeks with no reply I called her to make sure she was OK. She called late at night, left a voice mail and then texted me.
I don't want to ruin our friendship, but it hurts that she's careless and she calls me her "best friend." What should I do?-- Forgotten friend
DEAR FORGOTTEN: Let's review: Your friend did call you. You didn't answer. You left her a voice mail saying, "It would be good to hear your voice" when you had just heard her voice. She left you another voice mail late at night (again, you did not answer when she called).
I suspect the biggest issue here might be the time difference between your countries. That's why texting and email might work the best for you.
You also might supplement your friendship through Facebook, sharing photos and comments back and forth with no time pressure.
DEAR AMY: I thought your advice to "Concerned Friend" was great. She seemed very eager to share her opinion about her friend's daughter's cancer prognosis.
I went through this when I had cancer. I literally could not believe some of the crazy theories and opinions people felt free to share with me. This was incredibly intrusive and not helpful.-- Cancer Survivor
DEAR SURVIVOR: I have a sign over my desk: "Unsolicited advice is always self-serving." And when someone is ill, it is downright disrespectful.
oops

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Mar 22, 2014
I had friendships that I jadt let fade away when I realized that I was the only one calling and making an effort. This woman is not in the sane situation. Her friend IS makong an effort. LW is just a pita drama queen upset that her friend is not making the effort on HER terms.

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