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Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#1 Nov 29, 2012
DEAR ABBY: My husband committed suicide 2 1/2 years ago. We had been married for 13 years and had two daughters who are now 15 and 9. The l5-year-old seems to be doing fine. The 9-year-old is not.

But my biggest problem is my live-in boyfriend, "Tim." While I love him and mostly enjoy his company, he appears to dislike my 9-year-old. She needs male attention because her dad was an attentive, wonderful father. I have discussed this with Tim. His response is he has a hard time doing it because she is "totally out of control and crazy."

Abby, she is none of that. She is a child with a lot of energy. I don't know what to do. I know it isn't fair to my daughter, but I'm lonely and miss Tim when he's not there. I'd appreciate any advice you can give me.-- TRYING TO MOVE ON IN OHIO

DEAR TRYING: I am so sorry for your loss. However, parents get only one chance at parenting, which is why it's so important to do it right the first time. What is happening in your household is unfair to your daughter. She should not be forced to live with a man who doesn't like her and can't give her positive reinforcement. That's why, for her sake, it would be better for you and Tim to live apart. If you choose him over your daughter, you will later regret it and could cause her serious emotional problems for decades.

DEAR ABBY: The holidays are right around the corner, and my husband and I have had a difficult couple of years financially. I'm a full-time student; he is the only one bringing in an income while we raise two young boys.

I love the holidays -- except for shopping for others. I hate spending money I don't have looking for that perfect gift for everyone on my list. More often than not, the gift ends up being re-gifted or in the summer garage sale. For the past two years I have asked that if people want to give gifts, to please give them to the kids and leave us adults out of it. My requests have been ignored.

I know for a fact that my extended family is as strapped for cash as I am, but they charge on credit cards. Should I refuse a gift I can't reciprocate or thank them and try not to feel guilty? The name exchange option didn't work. I feel there should be more to the holidays than going into debt for gifts.-- MA HUMBUG IN OREGON

DEAR MA HUMBUG: I agree with you, and so would credit counselors coast to coast. Thank your relatives for their gifts. Reiterate that money is tight, so you will be giving gifts to the youngest family members only. If you feel you must reciprocate in some way, whip up a batch of holiday cookies or fudge brownies, wrap them with a colorful ribbon and make that your holiday gift.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for six years. Before I met him, I was with a woman. I don't want my husband to find out about it because I'm afraid it will turn him on and he'll want to have threesomes.(He enjoys looking at lesbian porn.)

Should I feel this way about telling him?-- WANTS MY PAST IN THE PAST

DEAR WANTS YOUR PAST IN THE PAST: If you think there is a chance that your husband will find out, then the person he should hear it from is you. And if he suggests having a threesome, tell him that you are happy as things are and you prefer to remain monogamous.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#2 Nov 29, 2012
L1: Why did you have your boyfriend who doesn't seem to LIKE YOUR CHILD move in with you??? I'm sorry your husband died and I'm sure that changed your mental state about this stuff, but come on. Even if Tim is right about your child - which he may be - all these issues should have been worked out before you decided to move in together.

L2: Abby's right; spell it out for them that you're not participating in gift exchanges because money is tight. If people still get you gifts after you say this, thank them and move on.

L3: You should read L1 from Amby yesterday. He probably won't be turned on, he'll probably be pissed and hurt that you kept such a huge secret from him. Looking at lesbian pron (which lots of guys do) doesn't mean they want to actually be with a lesbian.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#3 Nov 29, 2012
1 Getcher head outta your azz and put your kids first! Tim's gotta go.

2 Christmas is so more enjoyable whjen you pare down the gift-giving.

3 You should have come clean about this a long time ago. Your husband would be a pig to demand a 3some.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#4 Nov 29, 2012
What Saluki said, verbatim. Thanks for saving me the typing. :)

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Nov 29, 2012
L1: You stupid, stupid parent. Put your kids first, not your crotch. Their dad has been gone less than three yeras and you already have a man taking his place?

I can't stand you.

L3: I like lesbian porn. I have no desire to so much as kiss another woman.
PEllen

Chicago, IL

#6 Nov 29, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: You stupid, stupid parent. Put your kids first, not your crotch. Their dad has been gone less than three yeras and you already have a man taking his place?
I can't stand you.
L3: I like lesbian porn. I have no desire to so much as kiss another woman.
Are we back to the discussion of how much time is allowed after a death before you can date?.

People don't kill themselves out of the blue. There were emotional issues going on before the death that by definition made the dad distance himself emotionally from his wife and daughters.

Its okay for LW/Mom to be lonely and seek male companionship 2/12 years later, in my book. Tim is not the right guy if he doesn't like the daughter, but LW is entitled to have a man in her life

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#7 Nov 29, 2012
1 You should be with Tim, Your kid is not acting out, or crying out. She does not need your help in transitioning to a life where her father took his own life, no reason she should have any questions about that. Your need to be with tim is most important, after all kids are tough and resilient.

2 You are going to be called scrooge, just be ready.

3 You secretly want to have a 3 some. You miss munching the rug.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Nov 29, 2012
L1: You really don't need Abby to tell you to break up with his azz, did you? You must already know that.

L2: Just b/c someone buys you a gift does not mean you are obligated to purchase one. A gift is a gift.

L3: Don't you think the LW would know more than Abby would about what her hubby would think about that? People are stupid.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#9 Nov 29, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Are we back to the discussion of how much time is allowed after a death before you can date?.
People don't kill themselves out of the blue. There were emotional issues going on before the death that by definition made the dad distance himself emotionally from his wife and daughters.
Its okay for LW/Mom to be lonely and seek male companionship 2/12 years later, in my book. Tim is not the right guy if he doesn't like the daughter, but LW is entitled to have a man in her life
Never said she couldn't date. But moving a guy in two years after her kids' dad killed himself is way too soon in my book, especially given their ages.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#10 Nov 29, 2012
LW1: I donít know why you would even contemplate a relationship with a man like that much less have him move in. I also donít know why he, as a man, would want to be in a relationship with a woman with a young child, with no father, if he cannot be a father figure to her and show her love.
I think your daughter has been through enough as it is and deserves much better.

LW2: Just tell folks you arenít going to be able to participate in gift exchanges this year. I personally do not like exchanging gifts with extended family members. It gets to be way too much.

LW3: You might like it.
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#11 Nov 29, 2012
1. You are a mother first, you dum dum. This should not even be a question. People like you make my head hurt.

2. Just speak up. Send an email to the family and just explain that finances don't permit for gift-giving, and while you appreacite the good intentions, you would feel awkward receiving their thoughtful gifts when you cannot reciprocate.

3. How is he going to find out? If he isn't, no need to tell him if you don't want to. It's really not that big of a deal.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#12 Nov 29, 2012
LW1: For the sake of your child, please have Tim move out as soon as possible. We're not saying that you have to stop dating him, but clearly you can see that he is effecting your child's well-being. She should be your priority.

LW2: It's perfectly fine to give gifts to just the kids or whatever. Just know that others will not follow your lead, so thank them and move on.

Maybe next year they'll see the light.

We're going to be doing something similar this year, since we just blew a wad at Disney World. And with the license plate renewal for one car is due and city stickers for both cars have to be purchased by the first of the year, we are totally tapped out. Going to bake banana bread and cookies for the family and neighbors and donate some money to a charity. We have enough stuff, tyvm.

LW3: Well, since I seemed to be totally off base yesterday, my first thought won't fly again, but here goes...

If you tell him, he will constantly think about having a three-some. He might not bring it up right away, but someday after you think he's forgotten all about it, he'll say that he's been thinking of little else while having sex with you and would you please please please fulfill his ultimate fantasy.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#13 Nov 29, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Its okay for LW/Mom to be lonely and seek male companionship 2/12 years later, in my book. Tim is not the right guy if he doesn't like the daughter, but LW is entitled to have a man in her life
Tim isn't even remotely close to being the right guy. The kids gotta be the primary priority, especially with a parent committing suicide.

LW is so moronic she has to read the instructions on the shampoo bottle.
Sam I Am

Cedar Grove, TN

#14 Nov 29, 2012
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Its okay for LW/Mom to be lonely and seek male companionship 2/12 years later, in my book. Tim is not the right guy if he doesn't like the daughter, but LW is entitled to have a man in her life
Not at the expense of her child.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#15 Nov 29, 2012
1- Who's more important, Tim or your daughter?

2- I ain't getting nobody nuthin this year! I'm broke and barely working!

3- Yeah well, that's men for ya!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#16 Nov 29, 2012
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: I like lesbian porn. I have no desire to so much as kiss another woman.
This is odd to me. What do you like about it, then?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#17 Nov 29, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
Looking at lesbian pron (which lots of guys do) doesn't mean they want to actually be with a lesbian.
No, we want to be with TWO lesbians!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#18 Nov 29, 2012
HA!
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
No, we want to be with TWO lesbians!

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#19 Nov 29, 2012
LW2 - do what you can with what you ahve... cant afford it? don't buy it and don't feel guilty. easier said than done, i know. i'm coming to the realization that i might not get to all teh christmas baking i usually do this year. breaking my heart, but with traveling and the other holiday stuff that i want to do, something's got to go...

and i already have like 20 pounds of sugar, 30 pounds of flour for all of it, and a bunch of other ingredients too...

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#20 Nov 29, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
No, we want to be with TWO lesbians!
Logically, you know the lesbians would just be into each other and want nothing to do with you as a man sexually, right?

:)

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