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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Mar 26, 2013
EAR AMY: I recently reconnected with an old boyfriend. It seemed so perfect at first.

Well, over time I’ve come to realize he’s an alcoholic and addicted to pain pills. He’s on edge when he’s not medicating himself, which causes me to be on edge, and I know beneath it all is unresolved depression.

We’ve become very close and he told me he trusts me more than anyone else in his life. I’ve also become close to his mother, who has accepted me like a daughter.

Although I know this wise woman has an idea about her son’s condition, I don’t know if she knows how bad off he is. When we spoke recently, I felt she was on a fishing expedition, but I only spoke of her son in vague terms out of loyalty to him. Part of me wants to tell her the truth, and another part of me wants to spare this 80-year-old woman more worry.

When I expressed my concern about his drinking, he got angry, denied he has a problem and was highly defensive. He’s not ready to get help.

I will hang in there and be his friend (I’m all he has right now), but I won’t let him drag me down. I’m not the co-dependent type. What should I do?-- Out of My League

DEAR OUT: Regardless of how you see yourself, you are the co-dependent type. You have set yourself up as the only person your guy can depend on. You have also “diagnosed” him (perhaps correctly). But really, he is the only person he can truly depend on, and when he realizes that his addictions are running the show, he may choose to get help.

The first thing an addict needs is the truth. His addiction is making a true, loving and peaceful relationship with you impossible. Behave like a trustworthy friend and tell him,“You are an addict; please get help.” It’s not at all surprising that this news flash will make him angry and defensive — his house of cards topples when faced with this reality.

Continue to be a supportive friend to his mother. You would both benefit from the lessons conveyed in Al-Anon or a similar “friends of” group. Check al-anon.alateen.org for a local meeting.

DEAR AMY: My 27-year-old son and his wife are expecting our first grandchild this summer. I am over the moon. As a gift for the baby, I made a beautiful, meaningful patchwork quilt.

Not only did I not receive a “thanks” or “I like it,” but I was told that I would need to run any further gifts past them to make sure they would need it. My son went on to say that they do not have a lot of extra space to store blankets.

This quilt was made with only one thing in mind — showing my grandchild how much I care. How should I handle my feelings of rejection and disappointment? Do I continue to send gifts with the hope that they meet parental approval?

Or should I send gifts of cash, which I am loath to do?-- Quilter in a Quagmire

DEAR QUILTER: I can understand how disappointed you must feel, but you have spun this disappointment into a massive dilemma about gift-giving. You might be someone who wraps your considerable positive and powerful feelings into quilts, gifts and other material things. This abundance of kindness can create unintended pressure for a couple who haven’t even become parents yet.

You should determine to give this new baby the most important thing of all — an easy and loving relationship with you. Nothing further is required.

DEAR AMY: Like “Doting Daughter’s” father, I’m an angry, raging man. A lot of us don’t know the affect of our anger on people. Letting them know is the first step. The reader is being the best daughter she can be and furthermore is helping her mother live a happy life.

I would give anything to take back just one tirade or outburst directed at the ones I love, but I’m doing everything I can to change.-- Mark

DEAR MARK: Thank you for your honesty; I applaud your efforts to change.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#2 Mar 26, 2013
LW1 : "I know beneath it all is unresolved depression."
Really? Where did you get your degree?

LW2: To you, its some big grand display of love and affection. To them, its a blanket. Probably an ugly one too.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Mar 26, 2013
1 You people are in your 40's and still have not figured it out? You deserve each other, and someday you will realize exactly how much of a co-dependent enabler you really are.

2 What part of "Dont send gifts" dont you get? I bet this is probably the 3rd quilt you sent not the first. You also made a quilt or two for you son and his wife didn't you? Make your quilts and give them to charities that can use them.

3 Yay for Mark, you grumpy old dude.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Mar 26, 2013
L2: Sounds like two adults who need a lesson in manners. Did they really think you'd be bombarding them with numerous quilts? They should have thanked you for the quilt (profusely, IMHO), and then the conversation about gifts should be separate: I understand parents who have limited space not wanting large or unnecessary items.(My boyfriend's sister, BIL and two nieces live in a tiny two bedroom house -- we keep that in mind when we give the girls presents. It's a good thing, because the grandparents don't take this into consideration at all.)

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#5 Mar 26, 2013
L1: Uh, you're exactly the codependent type.

L2: I'm with Ang on the quilt thing. I understand quilts are a bit of work. I was *flattered* when we got one for our wedding. And an afghan, too! That's not just "baby stuff", that's a keepsake. Unless there's something else going on, the son and DIL were rude as hell.

L3: Remove the stick. Got it.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Mar 26, 2013
I'll give odds that even if the quilt was graciously accepted ,Grandma would comment about it every time she came over- either why aren't they using it or why aren't they saving it as an heirloom.

Not everyone wants to be the recipient of a labor of love. I'll bet it wasn't the first time, either.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#7 Mar 26, 2013
L2. I hear you. A well made quilt is quite valuable and with proper care could easily become an heirloom.
Send the next one you make to me and forget about those ingrates.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Mar 26, 2013
loose cannon wrote:
A well made quilt is quite valuable.
value is in the eye of the beholder.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#9 Mar 26, 2013
2- Regardless of anything, to respond that way to a gift is tacky and rude. Run any future gifts past them first? New parents are often such jerks about everything, mostly stemming from over-protectiveness. Screw them, respect their wishes and don't give them anymore gifts.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#10 Mar 26, 2013
My mom made me a quilt, and I love it. When I do use it I put it under my bed spread and upside down just to be sure the dog and cats dont puke/shed on it.

I have to get one of those bars to hang it on the wall.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Mar 26, 2013
LW1: I tried this once. I told the boyfriend that he had a problem with alcohol and that I cared about him and wanted to help him get better, but I couldn't be his girlfriend any more. He said "either you love me or want to tell me to f*ck off" and I insisted it was not that simple, that I did still care. Nope, either I loved him or I wanted to tell him to f*ck off.

You are headed for this same conversation. Be prepared to tell him to f*ck off, like I did.

LW2: "This quilt was made with only one thing in mind — showing my grandchild how much I care."

Then perhaps you should have waited until the grandchild was older and given it to the child directly. Right now, all the parents see is "where the hell are we gonna put this stuff?" because quilts are not allowed in cribs, yanno.

And the parents are being ungrateful.

LW3: Get your goddamn rehash off my lawn!!!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Mar 26, 2013
L1: Yes, codependent. She probably also has other issues she is not facing.

L2: I don't care how many quilts, how ugly you feel they are, or what. You say Thank You. In a separate conversation you tell grandma you treasure the handmade items but you don't have room for them, etc. Then you put them away in the attic, give them to Goodwill or sell them in a garage sale.

L3: Mark, just change already. The world doesn't have to know, only your friends and family need to know.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#13 Mar 26, 2013
Toj wrote:
In a separate conversation you tell grandma you treasure the handmade items but you don't have room for them, etc. Then you put them away in the attic, give them to Goodwill or sell them in a garage sale.
I think grandma would be more offended if her hand-made patchwork quilt was sent to goodwill or sold in a garage sale.

And I'm not buying this excuse "they don't have room" for it. It's a friggin quilt. Fold it up and stash it under the bed, line the sofa with it, use it as a bed spread, tack it to the wall, whatever. Lousy ingrates.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#14 Mar 26, 2013
PEllen wrote:
I'll give odds that even if the quilt was graciously accepted ,Grandma would comment about it every time she came over- either why aren't they using it or why aren't they saving it as an heirloom.
Not everyone wants to be the recipient of a labor of love. I'll bet it wasn't the first time, either.
Heh. I have many crafty relatives. I had the first kid in the extended family.

I have a closet full of the "heirloom" handmade pieces that were passed onto me with the birth of the kid AS WELL AS the pieces that were made specifically for him.

And his own chosen blankie from when he was very little is a cheapo fleece blanket from Target. Hmm. He took it down to his gram's house this week. Maybe she'll sew up the holes in it for me since I haven't gotten around to it.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Cedar Grove, TN

#15 Mar 26, 2013
1. Get. The hell. Out. He's not going to get better because of anything you do. And it isn't your place to dump this on mom. It's not like she's just going to embrace the idea that her son is a depressed, pill-popping alcoholic.

2. Your son and his wife are idiots. Regardless of whether or not they need it, to not show appreciation for such an effort is exceedingly rude. They should shut their mouths and be glad their child has a grandparent who is engaged and cares.

3. So don't care.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Mar 26, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I think grandma would be more offended if her hand-made patchwork quilt was sent to goodwill or sold in a garage sale.
And I'm not buying this excuse "they don't have room" for it. It's a friggin quilt. Fold it up and stash it under the bed, line the sofa with it, use it as a bed spread, tack it to the wall, whatever. Lousy ingrates.
You don't TELL her you gave them to Goodwill or sold them in a garage sale.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#17 Mar 26, 2013
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
You don't TELL her you gave them to Goodwill or sold them in a garage sale.
Then what are you gonna tell her when she comes over and asks about it? It's in the dry-cleaners again? Giving it away and being sneaky about it is an even worse offense then not showing gratitude.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#18 Mar 26, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
LW2: To you, its some big grand display of love and affection. To them, its a blanket. Probably an ugly one too.
This
Toj wrote:
L2: I don't care how many quilts, how ugly you feel they are, or what. You say Thank You. In a separate conversation you tell grandma you treasure the handmade items but you don't have room for them, etc. Then you put them away in the attic, give them to Goodwill or sell them in a garage sale.
And this.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#19 Mar 26, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW1: I tried this once. I told the boyfriend that he had a problem with alcohol and that I cared about him and wanted to help him get better, but I couldn't be his girlfriend any more. He said "either you love me or want to tell me to f*ck off" and I insisted it was not that simple, that I did still care. Nope, either I loved him or I wanted to tell him to f*ck off.
You are headed for this same conversation. Be prepared to tell him to f*ck off, like I did.
Anyone with drug and/or alcohol problems who doesn't want to address the problem needs to be told to f*ck off rather than continue to be enabled.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#20 Mar 26, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Then what are you gonna tell her when she comes over and asks about it? It's in the dry-cleaners again? Giving it away and being sneaky about it is an even worse offense then not showing gratitude.
No sneakiness. If it was me and I gave it to Goodwill (although I would not), when asked about it (which is rude, too), I would come up with a great spin where she'd think the greatest place for her quilt (although it no longer is hers) was with the charitable organization.

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