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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Apr 21, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My 83-year-old mother has decided she wants to die. She says she's miserable, but I think she's causing her own misery. She has medications to address her physical ailments -- none of which are critical. My siblings live in other states. Mom feels it's a "burden" for them to travel to see her, and she refuses to travel.

Mom is in assisted living and is now refusing to bathe, trying not to eat, and doesn't want to talk to anyone or have visitors. She's obviously depressed, but refuses counseling. If she continues being uncooperative, I'm afraid she'll have to go to a nursing home where they might let her starve herself to death.

One sister says I should force Mom to do fun things, but I don't know what she wants. We used to go out to eat, but she no longer wants to do that. I have tried to honor Mom's wishes, but I'm at a loss about what to do for her. Do you have any suggestions?-- ALMOST AT WITS' END

DEAR ALMOST: I have one. You and your siblings should have your mother evaluated by a geriatrician immediately. It's apparent that she is depressed, but the question is whether she also has something physically wrong with her that is affecting her mental state. Then let the doctor be your guide.

DEAR ABBY: I dated my ex for six years, but we broke up recently. The problem is, we signed a lease on our apartment that won't be up until next year. He still lives here, and I don't have the heart to kick him out. Financially, our living together makes sense, and I'd rather live with him than with a stranger.

Abby, this living arrangement has made it tough to get over him. Our breakup was amicable -- somewhat -- and we remain civil to each other. I have no desire to get back together with him. I just find it hard because I'm not sure how to survive this weird situation I'm in. Is it a good idea to keep living together?-- REMAINING CIVIL IN CANADA

DEAR REMAINING CIVIL: It depends upon how high your tolerance is for pain. If seeing your ex with others hurts to the extent that you shed tears on your pillow, or obsess about who he's with and where he's going, then it's not a good idea. However, if the situation can't be changed, then it's important that you fill your time with activities and opportunities that allow you to meet new people and make new friends.

DEAR ABBY: My new husband's family informed him they were coming to visit us for seven to 10 days. This was eight relatives, and I was not asked whether this was convenient or not. They were so noisy that our neighbors finally asked, "When are they leaving?"

How can I prevent this from happening again in the future without offending anyone? My husband said after they had left, "You don't handle chaos and confusion well, do you?" -- NEEDS TO BE CONSULTED IN GEORGIA

DEAR NEEDS TO BE CONSULTED: Revisit the question your husband asked you. And when you do, tell him the answer is not only do you not handle chaos, confusion and eight surprise houseguests well, neither do your neighbors. Then set some boundaries for the next time they say they are coming. His first response should always be, "I'll check with my wife to see if it's convenient."

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Apr 21, 2014
2- this is just odd to me. I understand people do it for financial reasons, but it's just so awkward. I couldn't do it

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Apr 21, 2014
1 Take granny skydiving, then she can decide whether she wants to pull the chute or not.

2 Six years! Well, at least no kids. Anyway, yeah, if its just weird then deal.

3 Wow, next time they show up, go on a vacation yourself, and let hubby deal.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Apr 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
2- this is just odd to me. I understand people do it for financial reasons, but it's just so awkward. I couldn't do it
would you move out or expect her to? If the one remaining in the apartment was unable to find a suitable room mate, would the dearly departed pay the other half of the rent since they would still be on the lease?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#5 Apr 21, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>would you move out or expect her to? If the one remaining in the apartment was unable to find a suitable room mate, would the dearly departed pay the other half of the rent since they would still be on the lease?
If you're living together and break up, then yeah, one of you needs to go. Figure out how to deal with the financial aspect of it

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Apr 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
If you're living together and break up, then yeah, one of you needs to go. Figure out how to deal with the financial aspect of it
you ducking the question? I'm curious as to how you'd handle it. For lw, the financial aspect is important enough to keep them together. For you, its not. If you were the one to move out...and have to pay rent some place else, how willing would you be to keep paying half her rent?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Apr 21, 2014
I think time wouls be a factor. As well as whether I would be getting my own place or moving in with a room mate. I could probably deal with 1 or 2 months of paying rent at 2 places, but there is no way I could decide to pay double rent for, say , 9 months. Plus have to possibly pay all the utilities myselg in my new place. For me, the financial aspect would probably make me decide to make the best of living with her till the lease is up.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#8 Apr 21, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>you ducking the question? I'm curious as to how you'd handle it. For lw, the financial aspect is important enough to keep them together. For you, its not. If you were the one to move out...and have to pay rent some place else, how willing would you be to keep paying half her rent?
People are gonna have to figure this out on their own. If I moved out, I would not continue to pay half her rent, that's her problem

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#9 Apr 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
People are gonna have to figure this out on their own. If I moved out, I would not continue to pay half her rent, that's her problem
If your name os on the lease, that is legally your joint financial obligation.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#10 Apr 21, 2014
LW1- definitely call her doctor to voice your concerns, then take her to the next doctor appointment. Try to visit more often or take her on day trips.

Ultimately, though, you have to respect that she has a right to her feelings and you can't change them. At this point, as long as she is not a danger to others, you cannot force her to act the way you think she should.

LW2- the court system has laws that govern the division of property when you are married, but if you choose not to exercise your right to marry, then you are SOL. If both of your names are on the lease, then you are both responsible for paying the rent and you can't kick him out.

If it is just in your name, the grow the F up and cut the strings.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#11 Apr 21, 2014
L1: Abby's right -- get a hold of a geriatric doctor immediately.

L2: That sux. I could probably deal with it for 6 months if I had to -- only if I had to, though. Keep yourself busy -- join stuff or take a few classes.

L3: Well, it's time to sit down with your hubby and have a long talk. Epic fail on his part not checking with you if it's okay and giving you background on how his family visits usually go and for not being your partner in this while he obviously saw you had issues that weekend.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#12 Apr 21, 2014
LW1: You canít make someone go to the doctor, Abby. If she doesnít want to eat, shower, take her medications, or go even out to dinner, good luck with that.

Not everyone wants to live as long as possible with a continuing decline to their quality of life that accompanies that. Ask your mom if there is anything you can do for her and since encouragement hasnít worked, respect her wishes. Just be there for her.

LW2: If his name is on the lease too, you canít kick him out. What does he want to do? Assuming he is willing to work with you, the two of you have 3 options. Option A, live by yourself, if you can afford it. Option B he moves out and you find someone new to live with. Option C, he lives with you until the lease expires. It shouldnít take writing an advice columnist for you to figure out that you should pick the least painful option.

LW3: Talk to your husband about it, and if anything is to be said, let him handle it.
blunt advice

Brooklyn, NY

#13 Apr 21, 2014
1. Yes, medical and psych exams. Sadly they reach a point where they are done and don't want to prolong life which is also expensive.
2. Talk to property manager about lease and see if it can be amended. Do you have family nearby you can stay with even if just on weekends? And as To j said get involved in activities that will interest you and keep you busy.
3. Find local hotels for them. Or for yourself next time they visit. If there is anything worse than annoying relatives it's annoying in laws.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#14 Apr 21, 2014
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: You canít make someone go to the doctor, Abby. If she doesnít want to eat, shower, take her medications, or go even out to dinner, good luck with that.
Not everyone wants to live as long as possible with a continuing decline to their quality of life that accompanies that. Ask your mom if there is anything you can do for her and since encouragement hasnít worked, respect her wishes. Just be there for her.
If someone is suicidal you can. A doctor could also make her feel better for the time she has and not necessarily lengthen her life.

It's when someone is a danger to themselves or others you can step in.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#15 Apr 21, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
If someone is suicidal you can. A doctor could also make her feel better for the time she has and not necessarily lengthen her life.
It's when someone is a danger to themselves or others you can step in.
It's called Guardianship and generally the person needs to be disabled or incapacitated.

http://www.illinoislegalaid.org/index.cfm...

She doesn't sound like she is either of these things. She says she doesn't want to live anymore because she is so miserable. That doesn't mean she is disabled or incapacitated.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#16 Apr 21, 2014
LW1: Try taking her out for walks in the park or botanic garden <mimishrug> but if she's made up her mind, I'm not sure that a little nature is going to help. Consult the doctor and see where that goes.

My grandma made up her mind that she was done at around this age. She had some pain that had become unbearable. We got her to a good hospice and supported her decision.

LW2: Why don't you move out and let him deal with a new roommate?

Or just learn to live with the discomfort. I'd spend as little time there as possible.

LW3: Talk to your husband about this, fercryingoutloud!

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#17 Apr 21, 2014
Absent Guardianship, which generally requires a disability or incapacitation, and a court order appointing you as such, you can't make someone take their meds to make them feel better, force them to see a doctor, or to force them to live longer when they don't want to.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#18 Apr 21, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>If your name os on the lease, that is legally your joint financial obligation.
I would explain the situation to the land lord and see if anything can be done. I've never known anyone to be "tied down" with a lease, something can be worked out

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#19 Apr 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I would explain the situation to the land lord and see if anything can be done. I've never known anyone to be "tied down" with a lease, something can be worked out
That's another good idea. It doesn't hurt to see. After my wife and I first married, our landlord let us out of our lease a few months early because we found a home.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Apr 21, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I would explain the situation to the land lord and see if anything can be done. I've never known anyone to be "tied down" with a lease, something can be worked out
When I hear 'landlord', I think 'dude who owns he place. Dude eho I send my money to'. I've never live in a place like that. Every place was an apartment complex owned by a company and managed by employees of that company. No one on one relationship with the tenants. Unless there are no vacancies and a waiting list of applicants, the managemebt company does not care about your personal problems. They want the rental agreement paid in full.

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