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“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 May 5, 2013
DEAR AMY: My husband and I recently went through the heartbreaking experience of having to terminate our first pregnancy for medical reasons.

My mother, who is anti-abortion, was dismissive of the poor prognosis and told me not to see the prenatal specialist. She also was insistent on being present when we weighed our options. We declined and said we wanted to have time alone to make this difficult decision.

Unfortunately, my parents told some extended family about the pregnancy (despite our wishes), and I received a congratulatory card during this crazy time period. My husband sent a polite e-mail to my parents stating that we wanted privacy, and my mom responded,“It’s not great over here, either.”

I’m having a hard time getting over this crisis. I am disappointed with my mother’s reaction, and I haven’t spoken with her since. I’m scared of what she’ll say.

My father says that I shouldn’t discuss the issue with her further because she disagrees with our decision. How do I move on when it’s difficult to forgive her? I’m sad and disappointed that she wasn’t supportive, and I’m angered by her words. I think I’m still grieving and am in the “angry” phase, but I want to move on. Thanks for any insight you can provide.-- Wanting to Move On

DEAR WANTING: I can only imagine what this must be like for you. Heartbreaking, to be sure.

My insight involves you disregarding your father’s well-meaning advice not to discuss this with your mother. Surely he wants to keep the peace, but this issue is too important to sweep under the rug. I urge you to move through this extreme challenge — on your way to moving on from it.

There is no question that your mother’s choices were damaging to you and to your relationship, but to move forward you should understand her position as a matter of conscience. Realize that you will not change her conscience; it’s part of who she is.

Keep your statements simple. You should tell her that her actions caused you additional heartbreak during an incredibly painful time. Say that you feel disappointed and abandoned. And tell her you love her and are trying hard to move forward.

After you host this challenging talk with her, then never discuss it (or any other pregnancy related issue) with her again, unless discussing it is your choice. Contact your medical specialist for a referral to a support group and for ongoing counseling.

DEAR AMY: The letter from “Hurt Wife” regarding the “silent treatment” between her and her husband really hit home for me. My long-deceased parents used to engage in the same dysfunctional interplay. It mostly involved my mother getting upset with my father, then shutting down. He was a kind man. But feelings would be hurt, followed by prolonged silence. This had a profound impact on the whole family.

There was never any yelling in our house, but sometimes it seemed that yelling would have been better because the situation would have resolved itself sooner.

My parents were lovely people in most aspects. But these periods of noncommunication made our home seem both icy and like a tinderbox all at the same time.

Behavior is learned. I needed to discover a healthier path in my marriage. I found myself repeating this behavior. But fortunately I had a husband who just wouldn’t buy into it.

Hurt Wife and her husband need to put aside their snide comments and immature responses and focus on that poor child. She is on the receiving end of their selfish behavior. My heart aches for her.-- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: Your story illustrates what it is like to be a truly voiceless witness to the “silent treatment.” Thank you.

DEAR AMY: I identified with the letter from “Trapped and Confused,” who stayed in a loveless relationship because of a great apartment.

I actually did this, but it was in New York City. So you understand why I stayed.-- Survivor

DEAR SURVIVOR: I know how New Yorkers feel about their real estate.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 May 5, 2013
Amy's response to LW1 is decent except it assumes the mother will stay silent and eh father won't try to intervene and play peacekeeper. There is no assurance that will happen.

I would suggest an email, but that is too easy for eh mother to share with eh worlds and it lasts forever. My suggestion is a handwritten letter from LW to her mother also signed by LW's husband so MIL will know she cannot divide and harangue. LW must be prepared to walk away fro any conversation on the subject, literally and immediately or her mother will use it as an opening

“Rope Swingin'”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#3 May 5, 2013
LW1: I'd go off on my parents like a howitzer. <<<< perhaps that's why they'd know not even to go down that road in the first place.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#4 May 5, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: I'd go off on my parents like a howitzer. <<<< perhaps that's why they'd know not even to go down that road in the first place.
Agreed. No way no how would I have ever even entertained the idea that it was my parents' business in the first place. Of course my parents never interfered in my medical issues after I was old enough to go to the doctor all by myself and they would have put MY health first over that of a zygote/fetus, so there's that.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#5 May 5, 2013
1- This wasn't your mother's business in the first place. But she was out of line and she needs to understand how her actions have affected you. She owes you an apology.

2- I wouldn't think yelling is a better alternative to the silent treatment. How about acting like adults?

3- Sad deal when you care more about what a man can provide for you than you do about the man.
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#6 May 5, 2013
Wouldn't blame LW1 if she didn't communicate with that mother again for a long time.
EJG

Durham, CT

#7 May 5, 2013
PEllen wrote:
DEAR AMY: My husband and I recently went through the heartbreaking experience of having to terminate our first pregnancy for medical reasons.
My mother, who is anti-abortion, was dismissive of the poor prognosis and told me not to see the prenatal specialist. She also was insistent on being present when we weighed our options. We declined and said we wanted to have time alone to make this difficult decision.
Unfortunately, my parents told some extended family about the pregnancy (despite our wishes), and I received a congratulatory card during this crazy time period. My husband sent a polite e-mail to my parents stating that we wanted privacy, and my mom responded,“It’s not great over here, either.”
I’m having a hard time getting over this crisis. I am disappointed with my mother’s reaction, and I haven’t spoken with her since. I’m scared of what she’ll say.
My father says that I shouldn’t discuss the issue with her further because she disagrees with our decision. How do I move on when it’s difficult to forgive her? I’m sad and disappointed that she wasn’t supportive, and I’m angered by her words. I think I’m still grieving and am in the “angry” phase, but I want to move on. Thanks for any insight you can provide.-- Wanting to Move On
DEAR WANTING: I can only imagine what this must be like for you. Heartbreaking, to be sure.
My insight involves you disregarding your father’s well-meaning advice not to discuss this with your mother. Surely he wants to keep the peace, but this issue is too important to sweep under the rug. I urge you to move through this extreme challenge — on your way to moving on from it.
There is no question that your mother’s choices were damaging to you and to your relationship, but to move forward you should understand her position as a matter of conscience. Realize that you will not change her conscience; it’s part of who she is.
Keep your statements simple. You should tell her that her actions caused you additional heartbreak during an incredibly painful time. Say that you feel disappointed and abandoned. And tell her you love her and are trying hard to move forward.
After you host this challenging talk with her, then never discuss it (or any other pregnancy related issue) with her again, unless discussing it is your choice. Contact your medical specialist for a referral to a support group and for ongoing counseling.
DEAR AMY: The letter from “Hurt Wife” regarding the “silent treatment” between her and her husband really hit home for me. My long-deceased parents used to engage in the same dysfunctional interplay. It mostly involved my mother getting upset with my father, then shutting down. He was a kind man. But feelings would be hurt, followed by prolonged silence. This had a profound impact on the whole family.
There was never any yelling in our house, but sometimes it seemed that yelling would have been better because the situation would have resolved itself sooner.
My parents were lovely people in most aspects. But these periods of noncommunication made our home seem both icy and like a tinderbox all at the same time.
Behavior is learned. I needed to discover a healthier path in my marriage. I found myself repeating this behavior. But fortunately I had a husband who just wouldn’t buy into it.
Hurt Wife and her husband need to put aside their snide comments and immature responses and focus on that poor child. She is on the receiving end of their selfish behavior. My heart aches for her.-- Been There
DEAR BEEN THERE: Your story illustrates what it is like to be a truly voiceless witness to the “silent treatment.” Thank you.
The "parents" of LW1 and LW2 have behaved so horrendously that they should be cut off permanently.
The "mother" of LW1 is a heartless monster with no compassion for her daughter's plight at all.
The "parents" of LW2 also set a dismal example for their offspring.
Just more evidence that some people should forget about parenthood altogether.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#8 May 5, 2013
L1 Let me argue the other side.

Dear Amy,

I feel strongly against abortion. I am active in the local pro-life chapter.

My daughter became pregnant by her husband with their first baby and we were thrilled to share the news with the family.

A couple months later, her OB sent her to some other doctors with whom the chapter is familiar and not in a good way.I tried to tell her about what we know about these doctors but she wouldn't listen

Then she announced they were going to have an abortion supposedly for a "medical reason'. I tried everything I could to explain what she was doing, how life was sacred, how God would take care of things, but they went ahead anyway.

When my aunt asked how the pregnancy was doing I told her what my daughter had done. Now it is all over the family and the chapter. I can't hold my head up. She killed an innocent life and my friends think I either didn't try hard enough.

I am wracked: she killed my first grandchild and I am disrespected by my friends and family. When I tried to talk to her and tel her how bad we felt, she cut me off. What do I do?. Her soul will rot for thus and it is killing me now.

Tortured Mom

Pelly here-

puts a different spin on it. For the record, i think the LW is in the right, but the mom is not a monster

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#9 May 5, 2013
PEllen wrote:
L1 Let me argue the other side.
Dear Amy,
I feel strongly against abortion. I am active in the local pro-life chapter.
My daughter became pregnant by her husband with their first baby and we were thrilled to share the news with the family.
A couple months later, her OB sent her to some other doctors with whom the chapter is familiar and not in a good way.I tried to tell her about what we know about these doctors but she wouldn't listen
Then she announced they were going to have an abortion supposedly for a "medical reason'. I tried everything I could to explain what she was doing, how life was sacred, how God would take care of things, but they went ahead anyway.
When my aunt asked how the pregnancy was doing I told her what my daughter had done. Now it is all over the family and the chapter. I can't hold my head up. She killed an innocent life and my friends think I either didn't try hard enough.
I am wracked: she killed my first grandchild and I am disrespected by my friends and family. When I tried to talk to her and tel her how bad we felt, she cut me off. What do I do?. Her soul will rot for thus and it is killing me now.
Tortured Mom
Pelly here-
puts a different spin on it. For the record, i think the LW is in the right, but the mom is not a monster
You're probably right about the mom, but I would still argue that it isn't her place to try to influence medical decisions for her adult daughter. I understand wanting to be part of it, especially with something so serious, but to make her feel worse than she already does (did the mom ever consider the emotional cost to the LW?) is unconscionable IMO.

As far as letting god take care of things, for the sake of argument let's agree that god exists. I think that the mother would do well to accept that god made it possible for humans to have people who specialize in knowing medical stuff...doctors...and they are doing what god would want them to do in taking care of the mundane reproductive issues of the hoi polloi because god only intercedes in the reproduction of certain special people and he hasn't really been interested in doing that for a couple thousand years.

IOW god made doctors possible and listening to the advice of professional medical people is probably preferable (to god) than listening to someone who only thinks she knows what's best or what god wants. God took care of things by making the doctors possible. <shrug>

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#10 May 5, 2013
L1: What if your life had been at risk? Would your mom still be pro-life then? Probably. Because it's all about clinging to her own beliefs, reality be damned.

Your mom has ruined your relationship with her, probably forever.

L3: So New Yorkers prostitute themselves for a higher square footage rate. Got it.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#11 May 5, 2013
The mother is more harmful than that, I think. The fact that she couldn't comfort or give sympathy to her child for having lost a wanted pregnancy says that for this LW's mom, it's always going to be about her.

She will be the person who over the years will occasionally make a snide comment to the LW. She will have to be told "No, you cannot tell the grandchild about the sibling his mother aborted."

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#12 May 5, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: What if your life had been at risk? Would your mom still be pro-life then? Probably. Because it's all about clinging to her own beliefs, reality be damned.
Even pro life advocates support abortion if the mother is at risk. Or the case of rape. Or incest. To which they have been blasted by right to lifers for not being consistent. Including you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#13 May 5, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L3: So New Yorkers prostitute themselves for a higher square footage rate. Got it.
And this is funny!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#14 May 5, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Even pro life advocates support abortion if the mother is at risk. Or the case of rape. Or incest. To which they have been blasted by right to lifers for not being consistent. Including you.
Leaders in YOUR party are in favor of making ALL abortions illegal. Including for the life of the mother. This is why it makes the news: It's so extreme.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#15 May 5, 2013
LW1: Your mother sounds like a horrible, judgmental btch who cares *much* more about her rigid beliefs than about your emotional/physical welfare. I'm sorry. If you have the strength, tell her to F herself.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#16 May 5, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Leaders in YOUR party are in favor of making ALL abortions illegal.
Wrong.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#17 May 5, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Leaders in YOUR party are in favor of making ALL abortions illegal. Including for the life of the mother. This is why it makes the news: It's so extreme.
There are some who have take that position , Ang m mostly in KS and MO and possibly TX, but not the leaders

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 May 5, 2013
Leaders. People elected to office.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Lawrence, MA

#19 May 6, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Leaders. People elected to office.
Glad yoou get to redefine "leader" in order to suit your argument. By that token, "leaders" of YOUR party support the same thing.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#20 May 6, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Glad yoou get to redefine "leader" in order to suit your argument. By that token, "leaders" of YOUR party support the same thing.
Hey Dog-
see if you can track down teh guys who stood for that proposition. I think if you have specifics it will be an effective rebuttal that people who hold those views are "leaders"

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