amy 1/21

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dahgts

Chicago, IL

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#1
Jan 21, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: This New Year’s Eve, my best friend’s husband acted inappropriately toward me. I didn’t say anything; I just shrugged off his advance and left, and I haven’t seen him since.

He has never acted this way before and was very intoxicated at the time. I’m not excusing his actions but I wonder if it merits a response, either to him or his wife. Last year I cheated on my husband, came clean, and have worked hard to rebuild my marriage. I will never do that again.

I wonder if he knows about my indiscretion and thinks I am “easy” now. I worry that he might be acting this way toward other women and may be successful if I don’t say anything, but if I do say something to my friend, will the damage be irreparable?

I want to look out for my friend, but I’m not sure I can face the consequences of reporting this.-- Soberly Reflecting

DEAR SOBER: You should respond to this — partly because it is still bothering you (it’s pretty challenging to successfully “shrug off” an unwanted advance) and partly because the person who did this should be given a verbal smack in the kisser. He needs to be put on notice that this is unacceptable, drunk or sober.

You’re an adult. Put into words what bothers you. Speak with the offender, not his wife.

Contact him and say,“I know you were very drunk on New Year’s Eve. You came on to me, and I want you to know that I don’t like it. You need to make sure this never happens again.”

I give you 95 percent odds that this man will say he is unaware of his actions, and in his embarrassment he may lash out to blame you. Don’t be drawn in to a conversation about your behavior. This is about him.

DEAR AMY: I live in a brownstone building with three apartments and have a neighbor question.

I am throwing myself a birthday party at home. One set of neighbors is great, but the other neighbor has turned out to be a bit of a nut case.

Regardless, I really don’t want to invite either of them but feel this strange sense of requirement to do so. What is your take on this?-- Worried in Chicago

DEAR WORRIED: When you share a living space with other people (through a shared entrance or adjoining apartments), the protocol is to notify your immediate neighbors that you will be having a party and ask them to excuse, in advance, any inconvenience or noise your shindig might cause.

If you are planning a small gathering there is no requirement to put your neighbors on notice, nor should you feel obligated to invite anyone you don’t want to share your special evening with — a neighbor or not. Remember that once you invite people into your home and introduce them to your circle of friends and family, you are welcoming them into your life in a way that you might not want to sustain. Healthy boundaries make good neighbors.

DEAR AMY:“Furious Teen” wrote you about her bullying teacher. She definitely should have notified the principal of her school that the teacher took her and her sister on a field trip without a permission slip.

This teacher endangered his credential by so doing. In California, students must have a permission slip — one on file in the school office and one with the teacher — that authorizes medical care in case of an emergency.

A teacher was removed from my school and from teaching because of his bullying behavior. This student should write down her complaints and give them to the principal, with the support of her parents. This man should not be teaching.-- Concerned at School

DEAR CONCERNED: As I said in my answer, a teacher taking students on a field trip without parental permission exposes all parties to potentially serious consequences. Many readers responded to this letter with stories of being bullied by teachers; I am hopeful that with increased awareness of bullying at school, students will be aware of their rights and be proactive about reporting abuse.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#2
Jan 21, 2013
 
1 Your real problem is that you feel cheap because you cheated on your husband, and you are projecting that image. Get therapy or your marriage is doomed.

2 Regardless, I dont want to invite either....
then WTF did you bother to write the first paragraph for? You sound nutters to me.

3 This rehash is dry and tasteless.

Since: Jan 10

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#3
Jan 21, 2013
 
L1: I disagree wtih Amy. I don't think you should do or say ANYTHING.

L2: "If you are planning a small gathering there is no requirement to put your neighbors on notice" I think this could be a big party. If you think your friends will be loud or stay at your home late, I would warn my neighbors. I think it will make them less likely to complain.

L3: I like a little bacon on the side with my rehash, please.

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#4
Jan 21, 2013
 

Judged:

1

L1: I agree with Ang, don't say anything to anyone. Unless it happens again....

L2: Wha...? People are supposed to let their neighbors know they're having a party? And not invite them? I've lived in LOTS of apartments and I've never once had a neighbor notify me of a party. And feeling obligated to invite them just because they live next to you is silly. Invite your FRIENDS.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#5
Jan 21, 2013
 
LW2:??? I could see feeling a bit wierd about inviting one but not the other, but I would have zero problem about not inviting either. They are not your room mates. They have their own self contained living spaces.

"once you invite people into your home and introduce them to your circle of friends and family, you are welcoming them into your life in a way that you might not want to sustain. Healthy boundaries make good neighbors."

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#6
Jan 21, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: I disagree wtih Amy. I don't think you should do or say ANYTHING.
L2: "If you are planning a small gathering there is no requirement to put your neighbors on notice" I think this could be a big party. If you think your friends will be loud or stay at your home late, I would warn my neighbors. I think it will make them less likely to complain.
L3: I like a little bacon on the side with my rehash, please.
L1 I agree ( most women who are not June Cleaver and have some social life have had an unwanted advance at some point, with or without alcohol.) This is your guilt/insecurity from last year's indiscretion driving you.
L2 I agree
L3 Yep

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

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#7
Jan 21, 2013
 
1 Get over yourself. Your cheating may have been a factor in Drunk Danny coming on to you, but who knows? If he does it again, release the Kraacken.

2 I's your party. You can cry if you want to.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#8
Jan 21, 2013
 
LW1 - Shoot! We only have a slightly controlling man today.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#9
Jan 21, 2013
 
LW1: Leave that one be. You act like you are the only person in the world who has had someone come on to you when you were interested.

LW2: Don’t invite any of them. I also wouldn’t notify them in advance, either. Nunya.

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

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#10
Jan 21, 2013
 

Judged:

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LW1 - No no no no no! Do NOT contact him or bring it up in any way. He will surely interpret that as you sounding him out! Chalk it up to he was drunk and doesn't remember.

But yeah, if it happens again, give him holy hell.
Sam I Am

Huntingdon, TN

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#11
Jan 21, 2013
 
1. Overreact much? It was NYE, he was drunk, he's done nothing similar since. Not excusing it, but it appears to be just a blip of which you are making too much becuase of your own failing. It sounds like what you really want is to make what he did a big deal so you can make yourself feel a little less bad about what you did.

BTW, what did he even do? Did he brush your boob with his elbow? Did he say that your dress didn't make you look fat? It couldn't have been too much seeing as you were at a group gathering, and you give the distinct impression you didn't sneak off anywhere with him.

2. In my building as a courtesy we will notify adjacent neighbors if we are having a "party" just because of potential noise issues, but it has nothing to do with liking or not liking them or feeling any obligation to invite them.

3. No one cares.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#12
Jan 21, 2013
 
L1: I would not say anything unless it happens again. Then he might get a kick in the groin, depending upon the transgression. If he's just yapping about things tell him to STFU and walk away.

L2: I usually notified neighbors of a party but never invited them unless I was truly friends with the neighbor.

L3: Alrighty then.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#13
Jan 21, 2013
 
Shari23 wrote:
LW1 - Shoot! We only have a slightly controlling man today.
Would you consider me controlling if I told you to stop sending me godam farmville requests?

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#14
Jan 21, 2013
 
What is farmville?

Since: Jan 10

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#15
Jan 21, 2013
 
Shari23 wrote:
What is farmville?
You rock!

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#16
Jan 21, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
You rock!
Thank you but why?

Since: Jan 10

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#17
Jan 21, 2013
 
Shari23 wrote:
<quoted text>
Thank you but why?
For not knowing what Farmville is.

(IT's some game on FB that sometimes requires you to ask for help from your FB friends to get your crops water or harvested or something like that.)

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#18
Jan 21, 2013
 
sounds like "Squareville" to me.

RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
For not knowing what Farmville is.
(IT's some game on FB that sometimes requires you to ask for help from your FB friends to get your crops water or harvested or something like that.)

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#19
Jan 21, 2013
 
Shari23 wrote:
What is farmville?
You live farmville; no need to be virtual about it

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#20
Jan 21, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
For not knowing what Farmville is.
(IT's some game on FB that sometimes requires you to ask for help from your FB friends to get your crops water or harvested or something like that.)
I'll go with RACE. Also, it sounds like a lame game!

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