Dear Abby 1-6-14

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jan 6, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 28-year-old woman with a fantastic job, a wonderful boyfriend and many friends whom I love dearly. I'm the only one without a child.

Maybe I don't understand because I'm not a parent myself, but all my friends can talk about is children. Whereas before, we were interested in each other's lives, I feel like my concerns and accomplishments are being brushed off. An example: I was excited to meet up with a pal to talk about my promotion, but the hour-long dinner was spent mostly teaching her child how to walk between the tables of the restaurant.

I enjoy hearing about my friends and their families, but I feel they are no longer interested in me. Am I expecting too much because we're at different points in our lives, or am I a bad friend? I'm growing resentful, and I don't like it. Any words of wisdom?-- STILL RELEVANT IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR STILL RELEVANT: You and your friends are at different stages of life. When you were in your teens, you and your friends would talk about dating. Then, as you grew older, the conversations revolved around college, jobs and marriage. As people experience the later stages of life, they talk about other things that are going on in their lives -- children, grandkids, aging parents and, finally, their own health concerns.

You'll maintain and enjoy these friendships longer if you understand that. In the meantime, try to set some "adult time only" with your friends.

DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for 14 years and have dated some, but not a lot. I recently signed up for an online dating service, and here is my dilemma: I have a felony conviction from 25-plus years ago. It did not involve violence, drugs, sex, stealing, etc. It was for a white-collar crime. I received four years of probation, which I served without a hitch.

My question is not if I should tell someone about my conviction, but when. If I say anything at our first meeting, I'm pretty sure it will also be the last meeting. At the same time, I don't want it to appear that I was hiding it from them.

I might add, this is the only time I have ever been in trouble with the law. I'd appreciate your advice on how to deal with this.-- ONLINE DATING IN TEXAS

DEAR DATING: The time to tell someone about your conviction is when the relationship stops being casual. At that point, you should disclose that there is a chapter from your past that you think the person should know about -- and it's one that will never be repeated.

DEAR ABBY: After 25 years, I have finally admitted to myself that I'm married to a workaholic, alcoholic womanizer. I have devoted my entire adult life, my time, effort and energy to my family. Now I feel used, abused and disrespected. I'm grateful to be a member of Al-Anon. It has helped me to understand that I cannot change anyone but me.

I have raised three great, successful grown kids. I have yet to make a decision for myself. I married for life. Must I continue to suffer in silence? Or do I hope that there is love, kindness and respect out there to be had?-- STALLING IN IOWA

DEAR STALLING: Let me remind you what you've already learned in Al-Anon: You cannot change anyone but yourself. The same is true of your circumstances.

You are entitled to receive the same love and respect that you offer to others. I cannot guarantee that you'll find love. Because your workaholic, alcoholic, womanizing husband hasn't changed in a quarter of a century, it's obvious he has no intention of doing so.

You don't need to find another man in order to be happier than you are now. Being alone could give you peace, contentment and happiness. The question you need to answer honestly for yourself is whether you would be happier without your husband's negative influence in your life.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Jan 6, 2014
1 It's not all about you honey, Nobody cares that you got a promotion, just like you dont care about their rugrats.

2 Lie,lie,lie. It works

3 Well maybe if you weren't such a cold shrew....

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#3 Jan 6, 2014
LW1: It's all about meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! Holy drama queen. Whatís to be said about your promotion? A toast perhaps Ö a reason to get together perhaps, but no one wants to talk for an hour about your promotion. When I get together with friends, unless it is a colleague, we really don't talk about work, much at all, good or bad.

I also donít know anyone who meets up with a pal to celebrate an occasion, who wouldnít ask if itís okay if they bring their kid if they had to. If you want adults only, say so.

LW2: Thatís not first date material. It kind of depends on your situation Ö if you have a good job and have your shyte in order, it can wait awhile. If you are working at McDonalds because of it, it should probably come sooner.

LW3: How about you talk to your husband, instead of Abby, and tell him how you feel.
Blunt Advice

Elizabeth, NJ

#4 Jan 6, 2014
1. If you want socialization not involving little kids you will have to expand your circle to other childless adults and or older people whose children are grown. Your current friends are still your friends, just see less of them.
2. Statute of limitations should apply for non violent crimes. Tell only if relationship becomes serious.
3. What Abby said about becoming independant before persuing a relationship. Involve yourself in activities you would enjoy.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Jan 6, 2014
L1: These friendships should be two-way streets. Planning occasional adults-only gatherings/outings will help things focus on adult issues now and then. But you do have to do a lot of kid-friendly gatherings. Give and take.

L2: I wouldn't say a word until the relationship is *serious*.

L3: You don't really have to make a huge decision right now. You can just sit on this knowledge and start to break free and live an independent life without making any huge changes. Take things a step at a time.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Jan 6, 2014
L2. I dunno. If I was dating a guy and it had reached the serious stage when he dropped a felony into the conversation, I would be really unhappy. Deceived is a good word.

I am not sure I would want to know on a first date, but certainly before I got in bed with the guy.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#7 Jan 6, 2014
So, bedding someone is prior to being serious?
What is the bedding phase called? Itch Scratching?
PEllen wrote:
L2. I dunno. If I was dating a guy and it had reached the serious stage when he dropped a felony into the conversation, I would be really unhappy. Deceived is a good word.
I am not sure I would want to know on a first date, but certainly before I got in bed with the guy.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#8 Jan 6, 2014
1- The LW has a point. Who wants a dinner conversation dominated by talk of your precious? Whether you have kids or not, it's a little rude.

2- Yeah, timing is everything. I'll agree it's not first date material, but neither should you spring it on them after dating for a year. There's a happy medium and it's up to the LW to decide when is the right time, based on how well he might be able to predict her reaction. There's no one size answer that will fit every situation.

3- Well, you should be happy, but do you really want to throw away 25 yrs of marriage? Talk to your husband, seek couples counseling, see if that changes your opinion.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#9 Jan 6, 2014
1: This line rubbed me wrong: "You'll maintain and enjoy these friendships longer if you understand that."
Um, why can't that also work for the ones with kids? Not everyone wants to hear about your precious snowflake all dinner either! It works BOTH ways.

2: White-collar felony? Help me out....would that not be a misdemeanor? Honestly asking those who know the law.

3: Too early in the year for this crap.
Blunt Advice

Oakland, NJ

#10 Jan 6, 2014
Re-reading the letters and comments, LW1 does seem to think world revolves around herself. Wait till she's a bridezilla. Anyway, keep the getting together with the mommy friends at night when they can get a babysitter. But be ready for them to be more interested in talking about their little ones potty training than hearing about your job.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Jan 6, 2014
cheluzal wrote:
1: This line rubbed me wrong: "You'll maintain and enjoy these friendships longer if you understand that."
Um, why can't that also work for the ones with kids? Not everyone wants to hear about your precious snowflake all dinner either! It works BOTH ways.
2: White-collar felony? Help me out....would that not be a misdemeanor? Honestly asking those who know the law.
3: Too early in the year for this crap.
A white collar felony is one that does not involve violence to a person or property . It is not a technical legal term but a general conversational way to distinguish street punks and murderers from guys who forge checks. It usually is for things like money laundering, financial fraud computer hacking etc. Bernie Madoff committed white collar felonies.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#12 Jan 7, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
A white collar felony is one that does not involve violence to a person or property . It is not a technical legal term but a general conversational way to distinguish street punks and murderers from guys who forge checks. It usually is for things like money laundering, financial fraud computer hacking etc. Bernie Madoff committed white collar felonies.
Hmmm...thanks.
So if LW did what Madoff did I would not date him! That is disgusting. I hate thievery.
The crime matters.

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