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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 17, 2014
DEAR AMY: I have an adult son. I have been divorced from his mother for 10 years, and I am currently using online matching services.

I was in a relationship last year that lasted approximately 10 months.

My son and his wife and their young daughters met my girlfriend a number of times, and we stayed at their home over a few weekends last summer.

I have had a number of dates since then, and I have been dating my current "girlfriend" for eight weeks.

My son invited us to spend the weekend with them. Afterward my son sent me a message saying how much everyone enjoyed my date. He asked if they would be seeing her again. I told him most likely not since I really don't see this relationship lasting much longer.

I then received a message stating that they did not want me to bring any girlfriends again. His reasons being that it wasn't "fair" to them or my granddaughters! Do you think they have a valid point? I have not responded to their message.-- Befuddled

DEAR BEFUDDLED: You can imagine that this round robin of dates, while perhaps awesome for you, is confusing to others who get attached and undoubtedly assign their own private expectations to the relationship.

It can be very challenging for younger kids to grow fond of various partners and then see these people disappear for no reason, except that "Granddad and his girlfriend broke up."

It is completely within their rights to tell you they won't be inviting your girlfriends to visit for weekends. Knowing this, you may choose not to visit as often.

Introducing someone you have dated for only eight weeks to your family is not a great idea for anyone -- her or your family. You should keep your dating life private unless you are in a very long-term relationship.

Your son might have an attachment to the idea that you find a permanent life partner. If you don't want this (or see this in your own future), tell him.

DEAR AMY: My sister "B" is in her late 30s, and is, I believe, a hypochondriac.

She is convinced that she has an assortment of ailments, and is constantly seeing various doctors. None of the doctors ever finds anything seriously wrong with her, which leads her to believe that they are incompetent.

Every conversation that I have with her ends up focusing on an illness she believes she has. Her behavior seems to be getting worse.

She has missed a lot of family events, and has backed out of plans we've made many times, stating that she can't because she's sick.

I am very angry and hurt by her behavior, sometimes to the point where I don't want to have a relationship with her at all.

How can I handle this?-- Little Sis

DEAR SIS: You should tell your sister that you are worried about her. If she is open to a suggestion from you, you should recommend that she see a mental health counselor who can help her sort out her frustrations and anxieties regarding her health.

You should also say her behavior affects you: "I am disappointed when every conversation turns to your health. It makes me feel like you don't care as much about me."

DEAR AMY: You recently answered "Not 'Liking' This" about a friend's skin-showing Facebook pictures.

This person's concerns, and your reply, were way off base.

The person in question is a grown woman. If she is looking for the "wrong" type of attention, she has every right to seek it.

The fact that everyone is worried that her employment will be at risk is ridiculous in that a place of work should not demand female employees conform to their standard of modesty on their own time.

This is a classic example of people attempting to force women to cover up the skin they were born in, and it's called "slut shaming."

I say, let this grown woman do what she pleases, as the only ones harmed by her "immodesty" are those who choose to be offended.-- Slut Grrls

DEAR GRRLS: Those who don't like these photos also have a right to express their opinion, certainly over as public a venue as Facebook.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Mar 17, 2014
1 If your 20 or 60, you should not bring your SO into your family until they actually are a SO.

2 Just tell her she is sick, and she needs a head doctor.

3 Stuff it missy. An employer has every right to dismiss you because of your FB page. People get canned for saying homophobic or racist rants, and pictures. And if they want to can a woman because she is modeling underwear on her page, they can and will.

I have heard that the first thing an potential employer does is google your name.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#3 Mar 17, 2014
LW3 - Sooooo much depends on the contract and on the employer!

What the employer *should* do and what the employer does or has a legal right to do are three completely different animals. Why not leave underwear-modeling-on-FB people to do whatever the he11 they want and face the consequences to their employment - if any - on their own? They are adults. They either already know what they are doing, or they will learn from their experiences.

Unless the person posing buck-naked or nearly so on FB is your young adult offspring, butt out.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#4 Mar 17, 2014
1- Yeah, quit bringing random dates around your family. Are you trying to show off how much tail you can get? Your son tells you to knock it off and you have the audacity to challenge it?

2- She needs a shrink

3- Yeah, because sluttty behavior should be encouraged and celebrated. And get out of your dam bubble, what a person does on their own time can totally affect their jobs. It's been that way forever. Hell, companies are firing people left and right on a daily basis just for being gay

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Mar 17, 2014
L1: You can't be this dense. They don't want to let in strangers all the time into their lives and the lives of their offspring.

L2: I would think you'd have to handle this gently. Encourage her to see a psychologist/therapist to get through this very challenging time for herself. If you tell her she's nuts go see a head doctor, she might freak out on you. Who needs the argument?

L3: Certain employees are under contracts and things are written in their contract. Otherwise, you probably have a good lawsuit. The thing is, states like Illinois that don't protect the ordinary workers don't have to say why they fired you.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#6 Mar 17, 2014
LW1: I understand them not wanting you to bring dates around unless you are serious. You are free to decide if you want to visit or not in view of this request.

LW2: And you expect to change her? Thatís who she is. You probably arenít going to change her. Figure out what you want to do in view of this understanding

LW3: Everyone is free to have an opinion, but just because someone posts pictures on facebook that you donít approve of doesnít mean you should act like the fashion or photo police and confront them about it, no more than one should confront a person about how they dress if they saw them face to face.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#7 Mar 17, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
1- Yeah, quit bringing random dates around your family. Are you trying to show off how much tail you can get? Your son tells you to knock it off and you have the audacity to challenge it?
2- She needs a shrink
3- Yeah, because sluttty behavior should be encouraged and celebrated. And get out of your dam bubble, what a person does on their own time can totally affect their jobs. It's been that way forever. Hell, companies are firing people left and right on a daily basis just for being gay
I judged your post as funny and that I agree. I assume you were being sarcastic with the first phrase of #3 but spot on about the rest of it. People do get fired for all kinds of reasons even just because their boss doesn't like them. What people post on fb can certainly affect how others view them.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#8 Mar 17, 2014
L1 Toj and Edog have it nailed

L2 Hypochondriacs are neurotic and manipulative. They go to doctors not to be cured but to seek attention. The shrinks call or secondary gain.

She won;t take kindly to a suggestion that she see a mental health counselor because she believes it is not "all in her head"and will be offended if you say so. More to the point , she won;t act or she will go once and label that doctor a quack.

They are like alcoholics. Other people can't get them to change; they have to want to change themselves.

Here is a way to respond. Assume all contact will be at her house on her terms. Do expect anything else.

Invite her to family dinners, Thanksgiving etc, but expect she wont be feeling well an won't attend. If an outing require tickets, don't bother unless you know you can use her ticket at the last minute for someone else.

Try hard to not think about how much her doctor shopping is costing the insurance industry or Medicare. Commiserate with the doctors who send rime wit her when they could be with someone who wants to get well.

Let her know that whenever she is feeling up to it she is welcome, but don't let her hijack the conversation with her aches and pains or force onerous conditions on you for a visit- like cranking the thermostat up to 80 so she doesn't get a chill.

Oh yeah, my mother is a hypochondriac.

L3 Well aren't you the Grrl nazi.

"This is a classic example of people attempting to force women to cover up the skin they were born in, and it's called "slut shaming.""

I am willing to bet you have covered up the skin you were born in. Society imposes norms and punishes people who deviate from those norms. The original LW's boss didn't object to her conduct just that she advertised it on FB and her name was attached to the company.

When original LW took the jb, she put some "skin in the game"... and she has lost. Grow up.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#9 Mar 17, 2014
1: Amy is right that it can be confusing and hurtful to children to have all these women brought into their lives and then dropping out of sight as it were. If you were younger and dating new women, it would not be appropriate to bring them around your young son as it would have been confusing for him as well. Your lack of feelings for your offsprings' feelings and reactions to new ladies brought home and introduced to them might be indicative of the reasons you are no longer married. You probably showed the same lack of insight toward your wife's feelings. But at least you seem to be trying now by writing for advice. Here's another perspective. Your son and his wife probably have a different set of morals than you. They don't want to raise their kids to think that it's ok to have a round robin of bed partners. You are certainly not a model of moral behavior. Keep your behavior within bounds when you visit your son's family. Otherwise, they may decide to stop inviting you.

2: Part of this letter could have been about my own sister B - the part about her only conversation being about her health problems. But it would have been at least 15 to 20 years later as she only got to that point when her health actually had deteriorated badly in her mid 50's. So I gave her a pass on that.

The difference of course it that no doctor has so far been able to find anything wrong with her - physically that is. I have to point out that there really may be a health problem. I knew a man through work whose dad had recently retired and was feeling poorly all the time. The son brought him to quite a few doctors over several months but none could find anything wrong with him. The consensus was that he was suffering from "retirement." Apparently some people are so bored that they start finding all kinds of health problems that don't exist. So they stopped looking for new doctors and moved on with their lives. Some months later, the dad was sick and called his son for help. The son brought him to yet another doctor who ran a number of tests. When the results came in, the doctor called the son in and yelled at him saying he'd been a bad son because the dad had a number of serious illnesses any one of which was likely to cause his death soon and the signs were that he'd had them for a couple of years at least. He said if they'd been found even 6 months ago, something could be done but it was too late now. He wanted to know why the son had not brought his dad to doctor before this. The man died later that week. So you see, it is possible for doctors to be missing something. However, it is entirely possible for the woman to be having symptoms due to some mental health problem. I don't know whether the lw wants to be the one to tell sis that she needs to see a shrink. That's a difficult thing to do. Perhaps if she said that sometimes stress or other problems in life can result in real physical ailments and a psychiatrist might be able to help her figure out what's bothering her and find out whether her physical symptoms are being caused by something other than real physical health issues. I suspect that it's entirely possible that the woman could be experiencing very real pain due to a mental health issue.
liner

Delray Beach, FL

#10 Mar 17, 2014
L1: Amy had me until she said maybe he shouldn't visit as often. What, he shouldn't see his grandchildren, so he has more time for the bimbo-o-the-week?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#11 Mar 17, 2014
PEllen wrote:
L3 Well aren't you the Grrl nazi.
"This is a classic example of people attempting to force women to cover up the skin they were born in, and it's called "slut shaming.""
I am willing to bet you have covered up the skin you were born in.
I didn't realize putting on some clothes was considered "slutshaming."

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#12 Mar 17, 2014
1. Really? How can anyone be this dense. Probably a made up letter.

2. Stop talking to your sister and find other friends. Sometimes relatives are best when only seen once in a blue moon.

3. So what. This is your only concern. Get a life.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#13 Mar 17, 2014
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
I judged your post as funny and that I agree. I assume you were being sarcastic with the first phrase of #3 but spot on about the rest of it. People do get fired for all kinds of reasons even just because their boss doesn't like them. What people post on fb can certainly affect how others view them.
Thanks, I usually get judged negatively and that makes me want to curl into a ball and cry for about an hour

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#14 Mar 17, 2014
Lw1: I disagree with everyone. I don't see the big deal. It would be one thing if a single parent was bringing someone new jome all the time, but I don't think that rule need apply to everyone that might come into contact with the kids. Its not like the date is being inttoduced as new-grandma. Its grandpa's friend. If you hold grandpa to his standard, then do you hold single friends to the same standard? You're not welcome to bring a date for our dinnet parties and backyard bbq's unless you've been dating at least[fill in the blank.

Lw3: It really does not matter how it affects her empoloyment as such an affect is on her and her alone. Original lw threw hat out so as to justify HER disapproval. This was just a case of a holier than thou pita trying to justify herself.

There are a million things, legal and illegal, that can influence and employer's decision to hire/ fire you.

-how you dress
-how fat you are
-how pretty you are
-your political afiliation
-your religion
-tattoos you have

The one thing they have in common is it none of your f'n business and using the possible negative affect on someone's employment status as a justification to spout off about it is cowardly and disingenuous.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#15 Mar 17, 2014
Lw1: i'll recant my previous approval. Just realized gramps is an out of town overnight guest with his date. I still don't think its a huge deal, but not the same as a local grandpa bringing a friend over for dinner.

That being said, unless they were in town for more than just a family visit, wht would the date even want to go? We''ve been dating for 2 months, so let me go spend a whole weekend with your grand kids? I don't see the appeal.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Mar 17, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
That being said, unless they were in town for more than just a family visit, wht would the date even want to go? We''ve been dating for 2 months, so let me go spend a whole weekend with your grand kids? I don't see the appeal.
Yup. I agree.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#17 Mar 17, 2014
Cause gramps is hung like a horse.
Mister Tonka wrote:
That being said, unless they were in town for more than just a family visit, wht would the date even want to go? We''ve been dating for 2 months, so let me go spend a whole weekend with your grand kids? I don't see the appeal.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#18 Mar 17, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw1: i'll recant my previous approval. Just realized gramps is an out of town overnight guest with his date. I still don't think its a huge deal, but not the same as a local grandpa bringing a friend over for dinner.
That being said, unless they were in town for more than just a family visit, wht would the date even want to go? We''ve been dating for 2 months, so let me go spend a whole weekend with your grand kids? I don't see the appeal.
I think that being an overnight guest puts that guest in a bigger light than just a passing girlfriend. If he was stopping by from dinner, no big deal. Staying and having breakfast in the morning, it's a little different.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#19 Mar 17, 2014
Stopping by FOR dinner. Or after dinner. For lunch. After lunch.(shrug)

I should really slow down when I post, I suppose.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Mar 17, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>
I think that being an overnight guest puts that guest in a bigger light than just a passing girlfriend. If he was stopping by from dinner, no big deal. Staying and having breakfast in the morning, it's a little different.
And that's why I changed my opinion, thoufh I disagree with Pippa's assertion that this would somehow hurt the kids. People come and go in life. That's a normal thing in life.

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