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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Aug 26, 2013
DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced woman in my mid-40s. I started dating again about two years ago, and shortly after, I met "Jed." He is someone I'd love to spend the rest of my life with. We have been seeing each other for more than a year, and I'd like some sort of commitment. I have tried talking to him about it. All he'll say is, "We're committed and monogamous and that's enough, so don't start with me."

We spend Thursday through Sunday together. Jed says Monday through Wednesday is his time to be alone. We don't talk or see each other during that time. We may email or text, but I'm not allowed to go to his house or call him. I have told him I don't want to still be packing for weekend trips to his house -- it's 10 minutes away -- when I'm 80.

I also never know how Jed feels about me. He never tells me he loves me, and if I say it, he'll say it back very quickly like it's an inconvenience. He doesn't compliment me or act like I'm important to him at all.

I'm financially stable but would have a better lifestyle if I could share the bills with someone. Marriage is not important, and I have explained that to him, but I want a full-time commitment. Am I wasting my time?-- TIME'S A-WASTIN' IN GEORGIA

DEAR TIME'S A-WASTIN': Do you realize that not once in your letter did you mention anything positive Jed does for you? He has told you directly that this is as committed as he's willing to get. Men who "love" women don't forbid them from coming to their home or calling; in fact, they welcome them. Jed doesn't say "I love you" unless he is cornered because it appears he doesn't love you.

Yes, you're wasting your time. If you want someone to share living expenses so you can enjoy a better lifestyle, find yourself a roommate.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 29 years and I'm having concerns about my husband. I'm not sure what to make of the fact that he is becoming effeminate.

For many years he has shaved his underarms, legs, etc., to the point that he is completely hairless. He recently lost some weight and is joining a gym. He wears women's stretch tights and a girdle to work out, because he says it helps him sweat around his middle. He is also very concerned about exfoliating the bottom of his feet and putting lotion on his legs.

He says these things shouldn't bother me, but they do. I don't know what to make of it, and when I try to talk to him about my concerns, he blows me off. Do other men do this kind of stuff? I've only been with him, so I don't know. Can you give me another perspective?-- A LITTLE WORRIED IN WISCONSIN

DEAR WORRIED: These days some men wax, shave, moisturize and exfoliate their bodies. Your husband may wear tights at the gym because he looks around and sees younger men with sleeker physiques and he's self-conscious about his own. If he's not getting strange looks from others working out there, his attire may not be that unusual.

It's important that couples, particularly those who have been married as long as you two have, be able to talk to each other. Because some of this is a recent change in your husband's behavior, you deserve an explanation.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Aug 26, 2013
1 I dont know why your complaining, you have a good gig going on.

2 As long as he's not trying on your dresses, dont worrry.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#3 Aug 26, 2013
2- Don't be so naive, lw and Abby. He shaves his legs, exfoliates, and wears women's tights.

Flamer.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#4 Aug 26, 2013
LW1 looks like Jed's "side dish".

LW2 might be real--and if it is, this probably isn't the only unanswered question she has about her husband...

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#5 Aug 26, 2013
LW1: Jedís not interested in what you are seeking Ö at least not now. Heís made that pretty clear. It would be helpful to know what he says when you say you donít want to still be packing for weekend trips to his house when you are 80. His response will tell you if he will ever be more open to what you are seeking. Iím guessing he doesnít respond in a positive way when you say this or else you would have mentioned this. Given this, you know the score, and yes, you are wasting your time.

LW2: I can see some manscaping and removing dead skin from your feet, but shaving to the degree he does is sort of strange, on top of women's stretch tights and a girdle, on top of putting lotion on his legs (unless he has dry skin). Something is rotten in Denmark.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Aug 26, 2013
L1: I'd love this kind of set-up but then again I don't want to be married and neither does this guy. You're not on the same page. Go find someone who wants what you do.

L2: The LW says nothing about problems in the "marital bed" (I hate that saying but it popped in my head). I don't know. Sometimes people do strange things for their own reasons. Since you've been married for 29 years you'd think you could discuss this a bit deeper. He could be a tranny. A transvestite doesn't mean he's gay either but he could just be a guy who is doing it b/c of the reasons he gave.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#7 Aug 26, 2013
1: He's just not *that* into you. You are pretty much just a a booty call. Move on already.

2: Fake letter.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#8 Aug 26, 2013
Sublime1 wrote:
LW2: I can see some manscaping and removing dead skin from your feet, but shaving to the degree he does is sort of strange, on top of women's stretch tights and a girdle, on top of putting lotion on his legs (unless he has dry skin). Something is rotten in Denmark.
I think it's fake. It *could* be real. A guy *could* be doing all of that, but to do it to that degree all of a sudden after three decades? I'm calling shenanigans.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Aug 26, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
I think it's fake. It *could* be real. A guy *could* be doing all of that, but to do it to that degree all of a sudden after three decades? I'm calling shenanigans.
Don't some body builders shave and exfoliate and all that stuff to show off their muscles? Maybe this guy is trying to emulate them. Just a possibility.

I think it's weird she doesn't mention whether their sex life is the same or changed b/c that would be an indicator of something as well.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Aug 26, 2013
This was just the first thing that popped up when I searched so I'm not saying this is an "authority".

http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/shaving-body-...

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#11 Aug 26, 2013
Swimmers shave their body hair. This guy just lost some weight and joined the gym. Maybe he shaves to go a little faster while swimming, but the razor chafes his legs, so he uses lotion to sooth the burn. The girdle thing I will take on faith. I mean it would be easy enough to just pack that stuff in his gym bag and put it on there.
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
I think it's fake. It *could* be real. A guy *could* be doing all of that, but to do it to that degree all of a sudden after three decades? I'm calling shenanigans.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#12 Aug 26, 2013
LW1: The writing is on the wall. You want 2 different things. Honestly, the guy sounds kind of like a jerk, but at least he's beng pretty up front about his jerkiness. Cut him loose.

LW2: I would be suprised if this was a sudden change. I am curious what kind of "gym" (or "Jim") hubby goes to.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#13 Aug 26, 2013
HA!
Stina2 wrote:
.
LW2: I would be suprised if this was a sudden change. I am curious what kind of "gym" (or "Jim") hubby goes to.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#14 Aug 26, 2013
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>
I think it's fake. It *could* be real. A guy *could* be doing all of that, but to do it to that degree all of a sudden after three decades? I'm calling shenanigans.
For most of it, I don't think it is all of a sudden:
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>For many years he has shaved his underarms, legs, etc., to the point that he is completely hairless.
^^^ Heís being doing that for many years. Thatís that's kind of odd, but by itself, I donít know what to make of it.
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>He recently lost some weight and is joining a gym.
^^^ So only recently has he joined or is joining a gym Ö which means heís not some hardcore body builder or swimmer, who would want to shave all his hair off to accentuate his definition.

Nothing wrong with losing some weight or joining a gym, tho.
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>He wears women's stretch tights and a girdle to work out, because he says it helps him sweat around his middle.
^^^ Okay, hereís where things get beyond just a little odd. When coupled with the fact that he takes hair removal to a great degree, this also makes the degree he shaves seem even more odd.
Mimi Seattle wrote:
<quoted text>He is also very concerned about exfoliating the bottom of his feet and putting lotion on his legs.
^^^ Nothing wrong with removing the dead skin from your feet, but putting lotion on his legs, really unless you have some dry skin conditions, thatís pretty odd.

Guy is a wannabe girl, IMO.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#15 Aug 26, 2013
RACE wrote:
Swimmers shave their body hair. This guy just lost some weight and joined the gym. Maybe he shaves to go a little faster while swimming, but the razor chafes his legs, so he uses lotion to sooth the burn. The girdle thing I will take on faith. I mean it would be easy enough to just pack that stuff in his gym bag and put it on there.
<quoted text>
Is it really a girdle, or is she referring to it as a girdle?

There are support belts for working out that kind of look like a girdle. They're used a lot in lifting, aren't they? I've seen a lot of guys wearing them, particularly in the weight rooms.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#16 Aug 26, 2013
pde wrote:
<quoted text>
Is it really a girdle, or is she referring to it as a girdle?
There are support belts for working out that kind of look like a girdle. They're used a lot in lifting, aren't they? I've seen a lot of guys wearing them, particularly in the weight rooms.
Yeah, but do they also wear women's tights and exfoliate their feet?

I'm all for manscaping, I'll even shave my underarms on occasion, especially in summer (don't want to walk around looking like I've got Buckwheat in a head lock) but the rest sounds a little extreme.
pde

Homer Glen, IL

#17 Aug 26, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Yeah, but do they also wear women's tights and exfoliate their feet?
I'm all for manscaping, I'll even shave my underarms on occasion, especially in summer (don't want to walk around looking like I've got Buckwheat in a head lock) but the rest sounds a little extreme.
She referred to "stretch tights" which are generally more like tight exercise pants.

All he sounds like to me is a member of a particular egoistical subset of body builders who tend to be particularly inane and hog the weight room. Tight exercise pants, those support belts, and you'll never see a single hair on them. They're also juicing or taking other supplements which can sometimes make them start acting pretty strange.

I think those guys are all mainly straight. They always seem to have younger women who follow them around and drool at their "perfect" bodies. If I was her, I'd be more afraid he's doing this to try to attract one of them. I don't know what you'd call them ... gym bunnies?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#18 Aug 26, 2013
No wonder everyone thinks you're gay.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Yeah, but do they also wear women's tights and exfoliate their feet?
I'm all for manscaping, I'll even shave my underarms on occasion, especially in summer (don't want to walk around looking like I've got Buckwheat in a head lock) but the rest sounds a little extreme.

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#19 Aug 26, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
LW1: The writing is on the wall. You want 2 different things. Honestly, the guy sounds kind of like a jerk, but at least he's beng pretty up front about his jerkiness. Cut him loose.
LW2: I would be suprised if this was a sudden change. I am curious what kind of "gym" (or "Jim") hubby goes to.
I didn't see him as being a jerk at all, but maybe because this sounds like the perfect relationship to me!
I see him as being upfront from the begining about what he wants, and getting tired of her trying to badger him into changing his mind in order to do what she wants (get married).
ITA though, that they want completely different things and she should cut him loose to find someone who does want marriage. Wouldn't be surprised if he dumps her.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#20 Aug 26, 2013
Toj wrote:
L1: I'd love this kind of set-up but then again I don't want to be married and neither does this guy. You're not on the same page. Go find someone who wants what you do.
I would love this kind of set-up, too. But LW doesn't and I totally agree that she needs to find someone who is playing from the same sheet of music.

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