“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jan 31, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My husband is a hard worker, a good provider and a good dad. However, he's angry all the time. It has been this way for as long as I can remember. He is aware of it, and always promises me that when this or that settles down, things will get better, but they never do.

When he sees something on TV or reads something in the paper that upsets him, he can say really vile and violent things. Often when he thinks things the kids and I do are not good enough, he borders on being verbally abusive.

His friends say I'm a "saint" for putting up with him, but lately all I feel is tired out and worn down by it. I have spoken to him about this numerous times, and it improves for a few days, then it starts all over. I'm not sure how much longer I can last.

He reads your column, and I'm hoping he'll see this and realize how bad things really are. I have asked him to go to counseling, but he hasn't been willing. Do you think there's anything I can do besides leaving that will make him see what he is doing to me and the kids?-- READY TO LEAVE

DEAR READY TO LEAVE: Your husband may be a good provider and a hard worker, but I seriously question whether he is as good a dad as you would like to think. Children need their parents' encouragement and approval, as well as their patience and counsel.

When they are given a constant barrage of angry putdowns from a parent, they begin to internalize it. They think such behavior is normal, which means they will repeat it in their relationships when they are older. Or, they may think they deserve to be treated that way and choose mates who treat them like Dad did.

There is something you can do besides leave right now. Make an appointment for yourself with a licensed psychotherapist and take the children with you. That way, your husband can foot the bill while all of you get your heads straight and you make up your mind if you're serious about leaving.(Alternatively, he can finally admit he needs help with his anger issues and schedule an appointment for himself.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to be married soon, and I'm concerned about a commitment my fiance, "Jeff," made to his older sister "Beth." Beth is planning on having a child through a sperm donor and has asked Jeff to be a "father figure" once the child is born.

He has doubts about the wisdom of her plan to parent a child alone, but he doesn't want to hurt her feelings and is flattered to have been asked to fulfill such an important task. He agreed to do it without discussing it with me. Beth is very nice, and Jeff's family has embraced me and I don't want to cause trouble.

Jeff and I plan on having several children of our own, and we also plan to move out of state in the next few years. I am wondering how this commitment will affect that possibility.

I am uncomfortable with Jeff making a lifelong commitment to serve as a father figure to another person's child, especially when he hasn't established what it entails. I'm worried that this will cause conflict in our marriage if he goes through with it.

Am I overreacting? I know I need to discuss this with my fiance. How do you suggest I proceed?-- UNSURE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR UNSURE: You're not overreacting, and I agree that before this goes any further, you and Jeff need to talk. Open the discussion by telling him that you're not comfortable and why. Suggest he talk to his sister and find out exactly what she meant when she asked him to be a father figure.

He also needs to tell her he may have spoken too soon when he agreed, because he had not first discussed it with you and that the two of you plan to leave the state in the next few years. She needs that important information because it may alter her choice about who should fill that important role.

TO MY ASIAN FRIENDS: Today marks the first day of the Lunar New Year. It's the Year of the Horse. The horse is a symbol of traveling, competition and victory. May it be a winning year!-- Love, ABBY

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Jan 31, 2014
1- Don't see why the LW should go to counseling, sounds like the husband needs it.

2- My god yes, you are waaaaay over thinking this. You're not even married yet, your sil isn't even pregnant yet, you don't have kids of your own yet, and you haven't moved yet! Jeebus, chill.

3- gung hay fat choy!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Jan 31, 2014
1 I get the mental of a hard working guy being taken advantage of by his self centered wife and kids. I'm surprised he puts up with their antics.

2 Whew, I thought she was gonna say he agreed to be the sperm donor!

3 Asian? Sounds racist to me, its the Chinese new year, not everyone's who live east of Russia and west of Hawaii.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#4 Jan 31, 2014
L2. Did you hear in the news about a week or so ago about the low-level worker at the sperm bank?
He pulled the old switcheroo.
I didn't read the article, so I don't know how many, but it may have been in the hundreds. I think it was on the East coast or somewhere.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 Jan 31, 2014
LW1: I knew he couldn't be a good as you tried to make him seem. HE really needs to figure out the source of this anger, your going to a therapist is not going to help that much.

I'm wondering which part of his life he's resenting the most.

LW2: Slow down Bessie! None of this is a reality and may never come to pass. Ask for some clarity from the parties involved and go from there.

A godfather would seem to be the most logical role for your fiance to fill.

LW3: Trying to be inclusive, Abby manages to offend millions.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#6 Jan 31, 2014
L1: Get therapy for you and your kids on how to deal with an angry husband/parent. I'd give an ultimatum to the hubby. No one needs to live with that and shouldn't. It'll also teach the kids that you think they deserve better.

L2: If the SIL ends up getting married and having kids, this woman's soon-to-be-husband would probably be a doting uncle. Don't see much of a difference. You can be a father figure without being their 24/7. I bet this LW is a drama queen. Abby is far too serious for something that hasn't happened yet. Yes, talk to him but quit getting your panties in a bunch.

L3: I think I'll order Chinese food for dinner.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#7 Jan 31, 2014
Won't he be an Uncle be default? That seems like a more involved role that godfather.
squishymama wrote:
I'm wondering which part of his life he's resenting the most.
LW2:
A godfather would seem to be the most logical role for your fiance to fill.
.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Jan 31, 2014
RACE wrote:
Won't he be an Uncle be default? That seems like a more involved role that godfather.
<quoted text>
Depends on how seriously you take either/both roles. Commonly, a godparent is thought to be the one who would "get" the child if anything should happen to their parent(s).

I thought the sister might like that because it's more formal than just an uncle. <mimishrug>
Cass

Claremont, CA

#9 Jan 31, 2014
LW2 - I don't het all the angst. I have a nephew - my SIL's son. I wish my husband were more of a father figure to him. It's not like that would take anything away from our own kids.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#10 Jan 31, 2014
1: Yes, go see a therapist yourself and take the kids. You all need some help dealing with how his anger if affecting you. You also need to tell him he needs help as well but you can't exactly drag him there.

2: If a man or woman has some responsibility toward a child, his/her spouse or fiance has a right to know about it. This situation isn't quite the same thing as a woman getting involved/engaged to some guy only to find out later that he has to pay child support for at least one child and that he has joint custody. However, if this guy is going to act as a "father figure," she has a right to know exactly what that entails. It seems to me that it probably means he isn't going to move far away from this child. It may also mean that the child will be spending time at the "father figure's" home and will be a constant presence in their lives - more so than he would an uncle's. So yes, I say the lw needs to have a conversation with her fiance and he needs to have a serious talk with his sister to find out exactly what she wants from him.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#11 Jan 31, 2014
(Cough, Cough!)
But what about the letter from the wife who's neighbor kid was spending so much time with her husband? I was blasted for saying the same thing you are now.
Cass wrote:
LW2 - I don't het all the angst. I have a nephew - my SIL's son. I wish my husband were more of a father figure to him. It's not like that would take anything away from our own kids.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#12 Jan 31, 2014
RACE wrote:
(Cough, Cough!)
But what about the letter from the wife who's neighbor kid was spending so much time with her husband? I was blasted for saying the same thing you are now.
<quoted text>
I'll probably get blasted too. I agree with a lot of posters, though, that the implications of being a father figure need to be clarified. The involved-and-loving uncle father figure is fine. The full-time dad paying the bills is probably not okay, at least for the LW, and if it is okay for the fiance, they need to break the engagement now and go on their separate ways.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#13 Jan 31, 2014
RACE wrote:
(Cough, Cough!)
But what about the letter from the wife who's neighbor kid was spending so much time with her husband? I was blasted for saying the same thing you are now.
<quoted text>
Different situation.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#14 Jan 31, 2014
No, same situation, Just different people.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Different situation.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#15 Jan 31, 2014
RACE wrote:
No, same situation, Just different people.
It is not the "same" situation at all.

I see a difference between a nephew and a neighbor, even if you don't.

If I'm remembering correctly, and I might not be, the couple in the letter you're referring to were older, they already raised kids and the lw didn't want another kid constantly underfoot again. And I believe the quantity of time was also an issue. The kid was ALWAYS over, the lw and her husband rarely had time to themselves. And the kid also had his own parents.

Back to the letter, I'm wondering if "Beth" is a lezbro? Why else would she need her brother to be a father figure? Wouldn't her eventual boyfriend/husband fill that role? And while I think the LW is putting the cart way before the horse, I can understand her issue if this kid takes away from her and their family, but that's a bridge too far to worry about now.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#16 Jan 31, 2014
LW1: Oh FFS. You say your husband "can say really vile and violent things. Often when he thinks things the kids and I do are not good enough, he borders on being verbally abusive." And you think he's a "good Dad"? You're a moron and a lousy mother. You're doing your kids irreparable harm. And you're writing to a dumb-ass advice column about this, instead of going to--and taking your kids to--a good therapist? F you, lady.
pde

Bothell, WA

#17 Jan 31, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Back to the letter, I'm wondering if "Beth" is a lezbro? Why else would she need her brother to be a father figure? Wouldn't her eventual boyfriend/husband fill that role?
*shrug* Two of my sisters are straight but getting up in their 30s and haven't found a guy they are willing to put up living with. One of them has been talking about adopting or other methods of getting a child for a few years now, and has been saving up toward that goal. She's the type of person who I suspect, once she has a child, will be far happier being a mom than ever being a wife. At least she's realized that.

Not everyone, no matter what their sexual orientation, wants to be married or in those types of relationships.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#18 Jan 31, 2014
pde wrote:
*shrug* Two of my sisters are straight but getting up in their 30s and haven't found a guy they are willing to put up living with.
Hell, send em my way! I probably wouldn't be able to live with them either, but at least you got my offspring as a relative!
pde

Bothell, WA

#19 Jan 31, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Hell, send em my way! I probably wouldn't be able to live with them either, but at least you got my offspring as a relative!
The whole additional set of relatives is one reason why she's probably going this way.'Course, she's dated some guys who came with some ... interesting baggage in the form of relatives.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#20 Feb 3, 2014
You remember completely incorrectly.
The couple had two girls,
The boy's father was dying of cancer,
The LW's was jealous of the boy being involved with her husband and stupidly thought that the boy was stealing precious time the girls should have been getting.
The LW was a mean, spiteful, heartless shrew.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
It is not the "same" situation at all.
I see a difference between a nephew and a neighbor, even if you don't.
If I'm remembering correctly, and I might not be, the couple in the letter you're referring to were older, they already raised kids and the lw didn't want another kid constantly underfoot again. And I believe the quantity of time was also an issue. The kid was ALWAYS over, the lw and her husband rarely had time to themselves. And the kid also had his own parents.
Back to the letter, I'm wondering if "Beth" is a lezbro? Why else would she need her brother to be a father figure? Wouldn't her eventual boyfriend/husband fill that role? And while I think the LW is putting the cart way before the horse, I can understand her issue if this kid takes away from her and their family, but that's a bridge too far to worry about now.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 54 min Enter 182,298
Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 1 hr johnplustwomore 1,156,637
Messianic Jews say they are persecuted in Israel (Jun '08) 3 hr L Morales 71,302
Chicago police stop black motorists more, ACLU ... 3 hr L Morales 11
Southern Illinois Supports Police 3 hr Does not matter 1
Holiday Greetings 5 hr Daddy Warbucks 4
Topix Chitown Regulars (Aug '09) 5 hr Mister Tonka 98,886
Chicago Dating
Find my Match
More from around the web

Chicago People Search

Addresses and phone numbers for FREE

Chicago News, Events & Info

Click for news, events and info in Chicago

Personal Finance

Mortgages [ See current mortgage rates ]

NFL Latest News

Updated 3:30 pm PST

ESPN 3:30PM
Bears' Trestman expects to return in 2015
Bleacher Report 4:34 PM
Did Suh Intentionally Step on Rodgers?
Bleacher Report 5:12 PM
Indianapolis Colts Cap Season with Fitting AFC South Sweep
NBC Sports12:50 AM
Colts cap 11-win season with 27-10 win over Titans - NBC Sports
NBC Sports12:57 AM
Vikings finish off Bears with 13-9 win - NBC Sports