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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Feb 12, 2013
DEAR AMY: I am a 21-year-old female and I've been dating my 25-year-old boyfriend for over a year. It's a very healthy relationship. We get along very well. We haven't discussed marriage or children because we both feel we're too young.

My parents raised me to be an extremely hard worker. They taught me to set goals and to achieve them. My parents taught me that I could do anything I wanted to, as long as I worked hard enough. With that mindset, I'm extremely successful. My parents are proud of me, my boyfriend is proud of me, and I am proud of me.

My boyfriend is not as goal-oriented as I am. He does not care to work hard to achieve his goals. In fact, he no longer sets goals. I've tried to talk to him about setting goals and achieving them, but he seems to think that his goals will not be met, and so he doesn't set them.

I truly love him. However, his lack of drive is something that will be an issue if we decide to stay together.

I can't change my views on working hard because it is extremely important to me. Can this issue be mended?-- Worried

DEAR WORRIED: This can be mended, but only if you change. There is nothing "wrong" with operating as your boyfriend does. Not everyone is driven, a goal setter and achievement-oriented.

You and your guy have very different temperaments. You two might be perfect complements to each other just as you are, except for the fact that you don't want him to be the way he is. You want him to be the way you (and your parents) are.

The way to mend this would be for you to respect your differences. Even though ultimately this might be very good for you as a person, you declare that you can't do this (nor do you want to), and so for long-term success you'll probably have to find someone else who is more like you.

DEAR AMY: My spouse and I want to know: Is it socially appropriate for two adults (married to each other and in their 50s and 60s) to sit on each other's laps in a social gathering in a family member's home?

At a recent birthday party for a young family member, my spouse's stepmother decided to take a seat on her husband's lap while he was seated on a breakfast stool. Hands were held and placed on knees/thighs in a relatively innocent manner; there was no additional kissing, groping, etc.

My spouse and I disagree on whether or not this was acceptable behavior for adults.

One of us thinks that it is a clear instance of a teenage-style "public display of affection," and the other thinks that it was not a big deal because the two people involved were married adults and that there were only family members and close friends present at the time.

What is your opinion?-- Touchy-Feely in Chicago

DEAR TOUCHY-FEELY: In a casual setting at a family member's home, I think it's fine -- sweet, really. But is it "socially appropriate"? No. It's also potentially chair-breaking behavior.

However, you ask about the propriety of these two older people sitting "on each other's laps." The man taking his turn sitting on the woman's lap makes this much more interesting. I'm all for it.

DEAR AMY: Responding to the letter from "Wedding Food Blues," I am also a gluten intolerant vegetarian. I try not to arrive hungry to such events if I feel at all uneasy about what I am to be served. I may also have some gluten-free bars tucked away in a pocket or purse that I could slip away to eat if I think it will be a lengthy affair.

These days more and more caterers are better aware of how to handle guests with different allergies and food issues. Usually they come up with creative workable solutions.

Of course, the main point of coming to the wedding is to share in the joy of the couple getting married. You can always eat when you get home!-- Fellow Traveler

DEAR TRAVELER: Caterers have told me that they can usually accommodate reasonable last-minute food requests. The idea is not to trouble the hosts too much with special requests -- and to enjoy the day!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#2 Feb 12, 2013
LW1: This seems wierd to me. Does he not work? If he does, does he not do his job? Seems to me that the big hangup is his not demonstratively setting goals. Is doing a good job at the job you currently have(assuming its a good one) not enough? Does there always need to be something more that you are reaching for?

LW2:'One of us thinks that it is a clear instance of a teenage-style "public display of affection,"'

This person needs to get the stick out of their ass.

" and the other thinks that it was not a big deal because the two people involved were married adults and that there were only family members and close friends present at the time."

This person is not much better. Pretty much only allowing it under those circumstances. What if it were not a married couple? What if people persent were not that close. Like at a big party.

Unclench.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Feb 12, 2013
1 Wow, amby and I agree. Your differences could actually be your strengths. What if you do have kids? Maybe he is the perfect SAHD while you are out tearing up the corporate ladder (just dont sleep around because you think a guy with a silk tie has a better sausage that what you have at home).

2 Team Tonks on this, unclench and get your own funk going on. You are not the one to decide this. I know a couple that every once in a while get very sappy with each other, really kinda comical at times, but whatever! It's their boat and they float it their way.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Feb 12, 2013
L1: "However, his lack of drive is something that will be an issue if we decide to stay together." Because you're so judgmental about this, I advise you to end the relationship. That "lack of drive" could equate to his being an outstanding stay at home dad. Or having a less demanding job that allows him to be home at 5 p.m. and able to engage with his wife and children. My boyfriend has a good job but no ambition to go higher, mainly because he has young kids and he would rather coach their sports teams, take them to music lessons, and spend time with them than work late at the office. I value this in him. If you don't, move on and find another Type A personality to compete with.

I think Amy's answer was one of her best.

L2: NO. It is not appropriate for adults to sit on each other's laps in front of ANYBODY. I don't care if you're married, cheating on your spouses together, or if you're 90 or if you're 20. There's a married couple in my circle who must always hold hands, ALWAYS, even while eating and drinking. they look ridiculous. They try very hard to prove to everybody that they have invented love. Most of us think it's driven by insecurity.

I blocked them on FB because they're even worse on FB.

L3: I'm very pro-vegetarian, and 99% of the vegetarians I know are exactly like this.

"Caterers have told me that they can usually accommodate reasonable last-minute food request." Bullhockey, Amy. They almost always advance notice.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Feb 12, 2013
L2: I'm not opposed to PDA at all, but when it's constant or over the top, it's just dumb.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Feb 12, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L2: I'm not opposed to PDA at all, but when it's constant or over the top, it's just dumb.
What LW described did not sound constant or over the top at all. Just that one was sitting in the other's lap. I'm thinking people crowded together in the kitchen(said it was a kitchen stool) that does not have enough seating for everyone, so instead of standing, she sat on his lap.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#7 Feb 12, 2013
1- I think you guys are cutting the dude in L1 too much slack. He's 25, not 40. Do we encourage women to date men who lack drive and ambition? And your assumption that he'll make a great SAHD is almost laughable. He sounds like the type who'd sleep till noon and play video games all day rather than cooking and cleaning.

Sound like it could be a scenario where the woman busts her @zz all day while her deadbeat bf lays on the couch drinking beer.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Feb 12, 2013
L1: I agree with Amy. They could be the perfect pair, but instead she wants a clone of herself. It'll never work b/c of that.

L2: I can't imagine someone being bothered by this. I don't care if it's silly, an affectionate display or what b/c of all the things that go on during a family get-together you're arguing about who is right about this? Perhaps you could take some lessons from that couple. Life is short -- live it.

L3: This makes sense, of course. I wonder about all the gluten people, though. I think there are many pepole who do have an intolerance and I also think some people take it on -- like a fad.
Sam I Am

Knoxville, TN

#9 Feb 12, 2013
1. Soooo, the obligatory monthly "I am motivated but my partner is not should I stay with them?" letter.

2. I don't see what the big deal is, especially if it is not a frequent occurrence. The man taking turns and sitting on the woman's lap, however, is retarded.

3. Hmmm, a not-overbearing, preachy gluten-free veggie. Welcome to the table.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#10 Feb 12, 2013
1 This relationship most likely won't survive. Laid back people and goal setters lke the LW typically don't stay married. That said, my wife and I fit this mold. She had to realize that I have my own work agenda, which doesn't quite match hers.

2 PDAs are for the young and horny. If you're not both, grab a quick feel in the powder room, and talk dirty on the way home in the car. Hopefully you'll both be able to get your freak on at home.

3 Food stuff...don't care.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#11 Feb 12, 2013
So, what's your point?
edogxxx wrote:
Sound like it could be a scenario where the woman busts her @zz all day while her deadbeat bf lays on the couch drinking beer.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#12 Feb 12, 2013
RACE wrote:
So, what's your point?
<quoted text>
Well, if she's fine with that type of arrangement, more power to them. But it doesn't sound like that's the type of relationship she wants. Everyone's basically telling her to "deal" with it. Okay fine, then you guys can deal with your lazy husbands who never do sht around the house and quit btching about it.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#13 Feb 12, 2013
So, since he is not on the fast track to success, he is automatically a lazy beer swilling (not that its a bad thing) bum?
How can you make such broad generalizations?
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Well, if she's fine with that type of arrangement, more power to them. But it doesn't sound like that's the type of relationship she wants. Everyone's basically telling her to "deal" with it. Okay fine, then you guys can deal with your lazy husbands who never do sht around the house and quit btching about it.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#14 Feb 12, 2013
L1: This must be an intern, because no way would Amy not take advantage of such an opportunity to man-bash. Having said that... what edog is saying is a POSSIBILITY, but what Ang, Race and Tonka are saying is very possible too. Unfortunately, the LW didn't provide specifics.

L2: I'm not a fan of couples sitting in each others' laps in general because it reminds me of Santa Claus, so I have a biased opinion.

L3: The last two sentences nailed it.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#15 Feb 12, 2013
j_m_w wrote:
L2: I'm not a fan of couples sitting in each others' laps in general because it reminds me of Santa Claus, so I have a biased opinion.
You got something against Santa Claus?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#16 Feb 12, 2013
The boyfriend is not some couch-surfing slacker -- no WAY would this tightly wound chick date someone like that. He's just not the ACHIEVE ACHIEVE ACHIEVE gogetter she is.

She doesn't understand that success isn't just based on HER definition of success.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#17 Feb 12, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
The boyfriend is not some couch-surfing slacker -- no WAY would this tightly wound chick date someone like that. He's just not the ACHIEVE ACHIEVE ACHIEVE gogetter she is.
She doesn't understand that success isn't just based on HER definition of success.
I more envision that he might be working now and that's all well and good, but once they're in a committed relationship and he gets laid off or something he's never going to be motivated or driven to get a job or change course to maybe find a different kind of job, if need be.

I could be biased, though, because that was EXACTLY what happened with the guy i married. When I met him, he had a job for 4 years at a good comapny. Wasn't driven to move ahead, per se, but was content in his job and I was OK with that (though I am the more driven type). 6 months into marriage, he hurts his shoulder, goes on short-term disability and never gets it taken care of so he could milk it and not work for 18 months. Only reason he got a job again was that disability ran out. That's when he got the surgery and went back to work. For a little while. Lost a job again and that was...um 5 years ago now. Still hasn't really bothered to look for a job, either. Was offered a job or two but turned them down.

So this is what I envision because it's what I experienced. I will never be "OK" with lack of motivation again.
Stina

Saint Petersburg, FL

#18 Feb 12, 2013
*Oh, and I meant my ex had a job for 14 (fourteen) years, not 4

“It made sense at the time....”

Since: May 09

Schaumburg, IL

#19 Feb 12, 2013
Re Nick not wantitng to take a promotion b/c he'd rather work wtih his boys - that's not to say he's not driven... he's driven by family stuff instead of the daily grind....

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#20 Feb 12, 2013
I think that IS your bias talking, because this girl is so over the top, I think we're getting HER biased view of her boyfriend.

(Just like we all base so much of our opinions here on our own pasts!)

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