Ask Amy 1-6-14

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jan 6, 2014
Dear Amy: What's wrong with women these days? I'm an OK catch in today's world. I have little debt, a steady job that I love; I cook, I clean, enjoy life, have hobbies and am not too bad looking.

But I find that after a few dates with a woman, she begins to ask about my "baggage." I admit to not having a perfect past, and I reply to the question with honesty and openness.

It's at about that point that the women I attract seem to get weird. If they are OK with my imperfect past, they latch onto me for dear life and are no longer the women I got to know casually just a week or two before.

When I tell them that this "change" is not working for me, I suddenly become the evil villain.

When I end the relationship because they don't reciprocate my values or because I have seen a change that I do not like, they will attack me. They revert to high school name-calling, anger and manipulation to keep the relationship. Amy, this is only after three weeks and four or five dates!

How can I end a relationship that is barely a relationship? Is it too much to expect to be treated like an adult?— Frustrated Good Guy

Dear Frustrated: If you find yourself the X factor in a repeating pattern and you want the pattern to change, then you will have to change.

If you are meeting women on for instance, then you might want to rethink.

Otherwise, slow down. I get the feeling that you are perhaps leaping into physical relationships (with attendant pillow talk/sharing) before you have adequately checked for crazy. Don't become intimate — emotionally or physically — too fast.

You also need to learn how to break up. Blaming the other person for "changing" (or blaming her for anything) is not necessary. The best way to break off a new relationship is to use the old standby: "It's not you, it's me."

There is a reason it's a classic — because it works.

Dear Amy: I am in my late 20s and have been married for six years (and with my husband for 10 years). We have three beautiful kids, and they mean everything to me.

I have recently fallen in love with another man. He is my best friend. I still love my husband, but I am questioning what kind of love it is. I have tried to sort out my feelings, and the more I dig into them the more confused and depressed I get.

I am not sleeping and can't focus on my daily routines. I am afraid of hurting my husband, my kids, the rest of my extended family, and the man I have fallen for. No matter what decision I make I know I am going to hurt someone, and I can't bear the thought of that. What should I do?— Confused and Sad

Dear Confused: I hope it brings you some comfort to know that this is a common issue at your stage in life.

You have been with your husband since you were a teenager. The bloom may well be off the rose in terms of your animal attraction to him. You love him but wonder if you're still "in love" with him.

You have three young children who complete (and deplete) you.

You can power through this challenge by making choices to recommit and rekindle your relationship with your husband; (professional counseling would help). He should be your "best friend."

This process is not easy, but it is definitely possible — and if you succeed you will look back on this period of your life and smack your head and say, "What was I thinking?"

Dear Amy: You should have told "Sober" to get someone to videotape his friend's drunken flirting. Then get the group of friends together to view the video and pull an intervention on "Brandy."

Arresting her for assault will end almost any chance of getting her into treatment for an obviously serious drinking problem.— Addictions Counselor

Dear Counselor: Many people suggested that recording this assault scene (it was not "flirting") would shine a bright light on "Brandy's" problem.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Jan 6, 2014
1 Dude, you date women who want a relationship, why are surprised when they show it? How about you continue the honesty and tell them you are feeling rushed? Telling them they have "Changed" is a total downer for them.

2 I think your sleeping just fine, but its with another man, not your husband. I am amazed that lamy is not blaming your husband for not showing you enough attention, or doing more to help with the house and kids. Of course she is not calling you the tramp that you are either, so go figure.

3 drunk ass grabbing is not assult.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#3 Jan 6, 2014
LW1: Learn to be a little bit more diplomatic. When they try to latch on, establish healthy boundaries without being so accusatory and offensive. Maybe try to create a little bit of distance and don’t make yourself so available, without being completely unavailable. If they ask what’s up or give you ‘tude, be honest and tell them you like them, are looking forward to getting to know them, but want to take it slow. If they don’t respect that … then end it.

Also, be honest with them from the get go. Don’t lead them on, promise the moon, and then wonder why they expect that. If you want to go slow, your actions and words should show that from the start.

LW2: Does this other man love you? If not, then that makes matters a bit simpler. Recommit to your husband and create distance between yourself and this other man.

IF he has feelings for you too, that’s a bit more complicated. You have to figure out what you want to do alone and together, probably. Some will say you owe it to your husband to stay with him, but I think your husband deserves to be with someone who loves him and not some other man. While many will probably view you in a less sympathetic light than your husband, you probably deserve to be with the man you want to be with too.

LW3: I know a Brandy that sexually assaulted me too when she was drunk. She was my buddy’s wife (now ex-wife)! I figured it was my buddy's problem to deal with, not mine. I didn't rally give a f'.
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#4 Jan 6, 2014
1. Watch 2 1/2 Men reruns. Do what Charlie Sheen does. You are committmentphobic like he is and this show will help you accept yourself as the dog you are.
2. Cut off all contact with this other man. Unless your husband is abusive you should save your marriage.
3. Yawn.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#5 Jan 6, 2014
L1: they ask about baggage? What does that mean? Do they ask, "You seem pretty great, so why haven't you been married yet?" Or "So tell me why your last three relationships ended? I think you are sharing too much too soon, and yeah, that could mean sex is taking place too soon as well. My current (wonderful, loving, drama-free) relationship of four years started with one month of no sex. Give it a shot.

What is key here: You need to do something different, because what you have been doing these days hasn't been working, and that includes the negative generalizations of all women.

L2: write to Carolyn hax. Then get into therapy, ideally individually and marriage counseling. You owe it to all five of you, but especially those three little children, to work on your marriage and get it back on t rack.

L3: was brandy the drunken neighbor who tried to drag LW not bedrooms at parties? He could fix this problem immediately by not hanging out with this woman in the first place.

Marina, CA

#6 Jan 6, 2014
LW1: I am curious to know about LW's imperfect past. I am also curious to know what values he has that are not being reciprocated. But I'll work with the letter as is. He asks what's wrong with women these days and signs himself "Frustrated Good Guy." He breaks things off with women after two or three weeks. I'm with Blunt Advice, I think he may be a committmentphobe. He needs to start by building friendships and filtering out the needy women. He also needs to take a hard look at himself.

LW2: You do not want to go down this road with 3 kids. Forget about the other guy. He is a fantasy. Your husband is the real deal. Sign up for a marriage retreat.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#7 Jan 6, 2014
1- I'll agree with Race. It sounds like you want to keep things casual -(but still have sex, no doubt)- then when the women start getting serious, you wig out on them.

2- Hmm, a late twenties married woman with three kids. What a catch! Seriously, sounds like the flame has gone out of your marriage. You should distance yourself from your crush and get into counseling with your husband before making any potentially harmful decisions.

3- I still don't see why her behavior is a problem!

Plant City, FL

#8 Jan 6, 2014
1: I hate dating; that is all.

2: Unacceptable that you became best friends and "fell" in love with another man....that takes time (if it's really love) and something you had enough signs to see and extricate yourself from.

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