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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 28, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I have been married almost four years. Recently I had some medical problems that were my wake-up call. I'm fine now, but I no longer am willing to wait for "someday."

I decided to try some new hobbies, one of which is skydiving. I had said for years I'd never do it because I'm afraid of heights. But I have changed my mind, and for me, this is a big deal.

When I asked my husband what he thought, his response was, "I'm not spending the day just to see you jump out of an airplane." Talk about disappointing!

I have always "gone with the flow" when he has wanted to do something. I know he doesn't want to go skydiving, but all I wanted was his support, and maybe someone to take a video or pictures.

His response has left me wondering about a lot of things. I have had enough of his negativity. He doesn't do anything except stay home. I guess I expected him to be excited for me, or to say he didn't want me doing it. The first is what I would have preferred. Now I'm not sure where I go from here.-- DISAPPOINTED IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: I hope you realize this letter isn't about skydiving, but your husband's refusal to help you celebrate your new lease on life.

A successful marriage is one in which a couple ideally grows TOGETHER. If your husband is unwilling or unable to do that, then "where you go from here" is to first ask him if he's willing to talk to a marriage counselor with you. If he's not, then schedule some sessions for yourself with a licensed professional and discuss the circumstances that led to your "wake-up call." It will help you rationally -- and unemotionally -- decide how best to enjoy this gift of life you have been given.

DEAR ABBY: You have addressed cellphone etiquette in your column before, but in this day and age it bears repeating.

We attended a meeting for parents and students last night at our child's high school. Inevitably, a cellphone rang, which can happen to anyone. The ring was quickly silenced.

A few minutes later, another cellphone started ringing. Rather than mute it, the parent answered it and proceeded to have a conversation during the meeting while a school staff person was making a presentation. It wasn't a long conversation, but it wasn't quiet either. The parent was sitting in the back row -- he could have easily slipped out to have this "important" conversation.

Thanks for letting me vent. It was extremely annoying and rude. Now I know why his son has no common sense.-- ANNOYED IN IOWA

DEAR ANNOYED: At most events an announcement is made beforehand that cellphones should be turned off. If there is an interruption, an experienced speaker will pause until the interruption ceases. From your letter, I assume that isn't what happened last night.

Children learn manners and common sense by watching their parents. If consideration for others isn't modeled for them, they don't learn it.
blunt advice

New York, NY

#2 Mar 28, 2014
1. Do you have any common interests at all? Not that you have to do everything together because you dont. But If you like to go out and do things and your spouse doesn't, you will keep growing apart. Get counseling and or get out of this marriage before you bring children into it.

2. Yeah, some people just don't get it when it comes to cell phone manners. Just don't be one of them. I smell a letter here that will be rehashed over and over. Ugh.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Mar 28, 2014
1 So you guy's were fine and SUDDENLY you decide to take a totally radical and different direction, and because your husband is not on board with the new you HE'S the one at fault!

When will the man bashing end? The gall of him not wanting to watch you possibly die.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#4 Mar 28, 2014
LW1- is there anything else that you can think of to try together? Have you tried talking with him about ideas. Following your husband everywhere was your decision, so own it. Your husband may be lazy or uncaring, but this is not a good example to prove that.

My husband would be bored as anything standing on the ground while the plane took off, then would be absolutely terrified watching me jump out of a plane and falling to the ground. I have already told him that I am going skydiving for my 40th birthday, but no way would I ask him to just stand on the ground and watch.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#5 Mar 28, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 So you guy's were fine and SUDDENLY you decide to take a totally radical and different direction, and because your husband is not on board with the new you HE'S the one at fault!
When will the man bashing end? The gall of him not wanting to watch you possibly die.
Ya know, for a highly unintelligent man, this is actually a pretty smart comment

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#6 Mar 28, 2014
Shhhhh! Don't ruin my creds man.
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Ya know, for a highly unintelligent man, this is actually a pretty smart comment

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Mar 28, 2014
LW1: "Now I'm not sure where I go from here."

Skydiving

LW2: This is where the stink-eye comes in very handy. If everyone around him had given it, he might have gotten a clue. But probably not, rude people don't care about the stink-eye.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Mar 28, 2014
ScarletandOlive wrote:
LW1- is there anything else that you can think of to try together? Have you tried talking with him about ideas. Following your husband everywhere was your decision, so own it. Your husband may be lazy or uncaring, but this is not a good example to prove that.
My husband would be bored as anything standing on the ground while the plane took off, then would be absolutely terrified watching me jump out of a plane and falling to the ground. I have already told him that I am going skydiving for my 40th birthday, but no way would I ask him to just stand on the ground and watch.
I would be there.

Someone needs to tell these men (and woman who don't have an interest) that seeing the joy in their spouses face when they do something special is important.

I can't understand not getting that. I could understand if a spouse would say they'd be way too nervous to watch.

It's almost like watching your kids play sports. Sometimes you're not really interested in that peewee game but you go. You go for your kids to watch them succeed or comfort/teach them through their failures.

[Stepping down from soapbox]

Didn't mean it to sound that way, it sort of emerged that way.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#9 Mar 28, 2014
Toj wrote:
<quoted text>I would be there.

Someone needs to tell these men (and woman who don't have an interest) that seeing the joy in their spouses face when they do something special is important.

I can't understand not getting that. I could understand if a spouse would say they'd be way too nervous to watch.

It's almost like watching your kids play sports. Sometimes you're not really interested in that peewee game but you go. You go for your kids to watch them succeed or comfort/teach them through their failures.

[Stepping down from soapbox]

Didn't mean it to sound that way, it sort of emerged that way.
I get that, but I also think it is important to know your spouse. I have no problem being a spectator. My husband, on the other hand, is much more comfortable as an active participant than a passive one (one of the reasons that he coaches the teams while I am on the sidelines). That's not just with me, so I don't take it personally. He gets antsy sitting on airplanes, he "talks" to the tv during sporting events and when we go to professional games, he gets more joy out of dissecting them with the people around us than just watching the players.

That being said, he did go to some of my choral concerts when I asked him to, because I had put a lot of work into preparing them and was proud of the results. He suffered through them for me, which I appreciate, but in general I don't ask him to be a bystander while I do something for me.

If the LW wants to do this for herself, then she should go for it. If she thinks it is a bonding moment for her and her husband, then she should rethink what kind of activities would work for both of them.

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#10 Mar 28, 2014
1. Find a friend to take those pictures. Quit whining about your husband and make him your EX-husband.

2. Why didn't you speak up.
pde

Bothell, WA

#11 Mar 28, 2014
LW1: Why does he need to spend a day watching you jump out of an airplane? It's perfectly fine to have separate hobbies, which you enjoy separately. I hate being cold. My husband is going skiing. I say "bye, have fun!" and stay home and watch movies. In fact, I spend a happy time watching the historical movies that bore him to tears.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#12 Mar 28, 2014
LW1: Consider this: Your husband doesn't find the idea of skydiving at all interesting or fascinating. He may secretly be horrified by the risk you are taking. He may genuinely be concerned for your safety but unwilling to rain on your parade because you are so enthused about it. He might be a genuinely nice man who allows you the freedom to make your own choices. Instead of just throwing him away over this one thing, how about cultivating a new hobby that BOTH of you can enjoy?

LW2: Team squishymama.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#13 Mar 28, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 So you guy's were fine and SUDDENLY you decide to take a totally radical and different direction, and because your husband is not on board with the new you HE'S the one at fault!
When will the man bashing end? The gall of him not wanting to watch you possibly die.
Meh.
After my bro passed, I do something on his b-day and his "rebirthday" every year, without fail. No work, no church, nothing but LIVING life. My nieces have come with me recently and we're planning our April trip.

Perspectives change. This woman isn't asking him to jump out of the plane, just take pics and support her living life. His response is rude to your spouse.
I'm sure he's always been rude but she's just seeing it through new eyes.

FWIW, my "[bro's name], Love, Live Life Fun Day" is sacrosanct.....besides nieces, no one is invited! And when they become 18, they can do their own thing, lol. ;)
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#14 Mar 28, 2014
squishymama wrote:
LW2: This is where the stink-eye comes in very handy. If everyone around him had given it, he might have gotten a clue. But probably not, rude people don't care about the stink-eye.
Exactly. When you call rude people out on their rudeness, YOU become the rude one! It's appalling and shocking....and sad.

I had a parent meeting and the guy fiddled on his phone the entire time I was talking, and he sat across from me! No one else. He would nod and mumble....it was SO awkward, but I assumed he (like many "adults") use this as coping for their righteous insecurity.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#15 Mar 28, 2014
LW1: While I wouldn't care if my SO wanted to come watch me skydive ... I'd just go do it myself and not really care about pictures or if my SO come, if it's a huge deal to her, he should go. If spending a few hours one day out of his life attending her first jump is too burdensome for him, he is very selfish.

LW2: there goes 15 seconds of my life that I'll never have back...

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#16 Mar 28, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 So you guy's were fine and SUDDENLY you decide to take a totally radical and different direction, and because your husband is not on board with the new you HE'S the one at fault!

When will the man bashing end? The gall of him not wanting to watch you possibly die.
I feel it is less burdensome than schlepping around shopping for a good portion of the day when you hate shopping and would much rather be chillin' on the beach on vacation. Still sometimes as a guy ya gotta do stuff you don't wanna do. You can't be a self centered jerk who only thinks of himself and his own wants.

She's only asking his time, which he should give since it's important for her. Telling your SO she's not worth your time is not good for a relationship.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#17 Mar 28, 2014
I agree, it is not the most supporting role, but.... Did they discuss this? isnt a spouse entitled to a discussion about these changes? from what I read, this was just dumped on his lap like the sunday paper! How is he supposed to react? She can hurl herself out of a plane, its her right, but the male has the right to refuse to participate.
If the genders were reversed.....?
cheluzal wrote:
<quoted text>
Perspectives change. This woman isn't asking him to jump out of the plane, just take pics and support her living life. His response is rude to your spouse.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#18 Mar 29, 2014
RACE wrote:
I agree, it is not the most supporting role, but.... Did they discuss this? isnt a spouse entitled to a discussion about these changes? from what I read, this was just dumped on his lap like the sunday paper! How is he supposed to react? She can hurl herself out of a plane, its her right, but the male has the right to refuse to participate.
If the genders were reversed.....?
<quoted text>
If the genders were reversed, my answer is the same.
This is just living life and having hobbies. And again, he is not being adked to particiipate. Not jumping out of a plane versus take a pic. I don't see take a pic as participating.

Now, I don't think big changes can be dumped on a spouse: I'm suddenly a swinger; I want to start smoking; I'm going to gain 50 pounds now.....but just living life and enjoying things? Please.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#19 Mar 29, 2014
Well, you could stand to put on a few pounds....
cheluzal wrote:
<quoted text>
If the genders were reversed, my answer is the same.
This is just living life and having hobbies. And again, he is not being adked to particiipate. Not jumping out of a plane versus take a pic. I don't see take a pic as participating.
Now, I don't think big changes can be dumped on a spouse: I'm suddenly a swinger; I want to start smoking; I'm going to gain 50 pounds now.....but just living life and enjoying things? Please.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#20 Mar 29, 2014
RACE wrote:
Well, you could stand to put on a few pounds....
<quoted text>
I don't go around telling people they could stand to lose a few pounds because talking of another's weight is rude.
Why is that rudeness exempt for thin, not thick?

Being naturally thin you think I'd be used to the crass remarks (I do work with lots of fat women)...guess I just have to remind myself they wish they looked as good as me.

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