Ask Amy 10-22-09
First Prev
of 7
Next Last

“bELieve”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Oct 22, 2009
Dear Amy: I have been dating "Donald" almost two months.

Everything seems to be going great.

We met through online dating.

After about three dates, I took my profile down because I liked him and wanted to see where this relationship would go.

Donald kept his profile up.

We have talked about it briefly, but because we have not been dating for very long I feel slightly uncomfortable having a serious talk about this.

He had not been online in almost a month, and then out of the blue he signed on again but has not been on the site for a while now.

I know in my heart of hearts Donald is not seeing anyone else, but it hurts me to see that he signed on.

I don't know what to do. Do I continue to date him and keep checking up on him?

Do I just stop checking to see if he has been on the dating site? Or do I talk to him about this -- and if so, how?

I worry that because we have talked about it briefly before, if I bring it up again I am going to sound crazy and insecure. When is the right time to have "the talk"?

-- Uneasy

Dear Uneasy: You do sound crazy and insecure. I don't believe you are crazy, mind you -- but you should trust yourself and Donald enough to enjoy the dating experience. Leave the crazy at home -- there's plenty of time for that later.

In my view, you should not have taken down your profile so quickly, but it's your profile and your choice to manage it however you wish.

Donald has the same right.

Please stop checking up on him.

If you two develop an exclusive relationship -- certainly if you choose to become sexually involved, then you should have "the talk."

Online meeting sites provide great tools for people to meet their matches, but the whole idea of dating someone in person means that you should get to know the person slowly and carefully.

Dear Amy: My wife of seven years still has our 3 1/2 -year-old son sleeping between us. What is the usual cut-off date for a child to sleep in his own room?

-- Wondering Dad

Dear Dad: Whether a child sleeps with you -- and when the child should stop sleeping with you depends on cultural practices and parental preference.

I'm of the opinion that babies should start sleeping by themselves and in their own spaces when they start to ease off of frequent nursing, which usually happens well before they are a year old. Sleeping independently ensures that young children get the rest they require.

If your domestic sleeping arrangement is interfering with your ability to get a good night's sleep or enjoy your intimate relationship with your wife (and how can it not?), then it is long past time for your son to be in his bed.

If you are interested in moving your son to his own bed, your wife will have to be fully on board. A consistent and calm approach will make the process much easier for all of you.

A book I like, which offers a practical and respectful middle ground on the issue of children and sleep, is "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child," by Dr. Marc Weissbluth (2005, Ballantine).

Weissbluth points out how important a child's sleep habits are to the whole family.

Dear Amy: "Older and Maybe Wiser" was a woman who received diamond earrings from her husband that were the same as the ones his buddy gave his girlfriend.

Many years ago when I was a relatively new bride, my husband bought me a green chenille bathrobe for Christmas that was exactly the same as one he gave his sister, the only difference being the size.

I guess this is part of what makes some gifts extra memorable!

It is good that I did not then know that there was also a small wooden stepladder in my Christmas gift future!

If I were ever to receive diamond earrings from my husband, I would be over the moon.

-- Ever Hopeful

Dear Hopeful: Posting this column on the bathroom mirror may make your Christmas wish come true. Fingers crossed!

“Joy is the shadow cast by pain”

Since: Dec 08

Twin Cities, MN

#2 Oct 22, 2009
L1: By two months, he should be hiding his profile. You can mention this to him. But keep in mind that the reason he revisited the site could be as simple as someone messaged him -- and he got an email notification, so he went to the site to read the email. For all you know, he emailed the woman back with, "Thanks for your note, but I've been seeing someone for a little while now and I want to see how it will work out. Good luck to you!" I hide my profile after a couple of dates, not as a sign that we're exclusive, but if I'm interested in someone, I don't want to be out trolling for dates with others. I'd rather focus on one person. I have a busy enough social life that I don't get too wrapped up in one person (usually). If I didn't go out with friends so much, I'd probably NOT hide my profile and be open to playingthe field more.

L2: I hate the family bed. It's the woman's idea 99% of the time, and men seem to hate it. That kid needs to get his own bed in his own bedroom, stat!

L3: TELL him you want jewelry. TELL him what you want. Stop hoping.
Lifes a Beach

Oakland, NJ

#3 Oct 22, 2009
LW1 - Contact the website, asking that you inadvertenly deleted your profile and is there any way of reinstating it. No man is worth worry over.

LW2 - Personal story time: When my kids and cats were young, my husband and I had a full size double bed. I went to the local bedding store and told the lady "I need a bed that fits 4 people and 2 cats". She laughed saying she hears that all the time. I felt that I worked all day long, and sometimes the only time I had with the kids was sleeping at night. Once my younger one was old enough to be out of the crib, my girls shared a room. When the older one went to middle school she wanted her own room, and the younger one didn't want to be alone. They eventually get over it. Now, only one of the 2 cats sleeps in our bed. The other cat likes to sleep by herself or with either of the girls.

LW3 - if these earrings are diamond studs, you see someone with the same ones on every block.

“I'm bringing sexy back...”

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#4 Oct 22, 2009
LW1 - I <gulp> agree with Amy

LW2 - You're screwed. Invest in some ear plugs because your kid is probably going to be throwing a fit for the first few nights (week?). Just stay strong, it's for the best.:)
Sublime1

Kernersville, NC

#5 Oct 22, 2009
1: First thing first, ask him what the score is and if he wants to be exclusive. If this is so, tell him he should take down his profile.

2: I never had a problem with the family bed. We still found time to get it on. That being said, we are both kinda glad they all sleep in their own rooms now. The day needs to end.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#6 Oct 22, 2009
LW1 You sure sound crazy to me! Quit obsessing and have the talk. sheesh!
LW2 When was she planning to get the kid his own bed? That is wayyyyy wacked. Dont have any more children, till this one is in college
LW3 Your husband would like a new circular saw, not scented candles.
Feeling the snark today!
Shann

Urbana, IL

#7 Oct 22, 2009
A coworker still has her 8 year old sleeping with her and her husband. WTF? If that poor kid ever says he still sleeps with mommmy in front of the kids at school, he is going to be ridiculed like no other.

“An Apple a day”

Since: Jun 08

nil carborundum illegitemi

#8 Oct 22, 2009
LW1. We'll soon be getting a letter from you in which you defend your right to snoop through your boyfriend's emails and personal diary. Get some counseling for your abandonment issues as well as your very poor boundaries.

LW2. Your wife is no longer interested in you. Why not start dating LW1. She can call your wife to find out if your child is still sleeping between the two of you right before she checks all of your personal emails.

LW3. Why haven't you communicated with your husband about what you want. He isn't a mind reader.

“Joy is the shadow cast by pain”

Since: Dec 08

Twin Cities, MN

#9 Oct 22, 2009
Shann wrote:
A coworker still has her 8 year old sleeping with her and her husband. WTF? If that poor kid ever says he still sleeps with mommmy in front of the kids at school, he is going to be ridiculed like no other.
I can tolerate the "family bed" but only until age 5, which seems to be the age most experts cite for ceasing certain nudity/gender activities (like, siblings of opposite sex bathing together).

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#10 Oct 22, 2009
Sublime1 wrote:
2: I never had a problem with the family bed. We still found time to get it on. That being said, we are both kinda glad they all sleep in their own rooms now. The day needs to end.
Exactly. Having children puts some interesting obstacles in your love life. If you can't handle that, you can't handle being a parent. Soon enough, they want to sleep in their own bed anyway, and you wonder where the time has gone.

"Sleeping independently ensures that young children get the rest they require." Not always, Amy. In fact, most babies and toddlers sleep better when they feel safe and warm near their parents. And some kids need that security a little longer than others.

“I'm bringing sexy back...”

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#11 Oct 22, 2009
TamoraRose wrote:
<quoted text>
Exactly. Having children puts some interesting obstacles in your love life. If you can't handle that, you can't handle being a parent. Soon enough, they want to sleep in their own bed anyway, and you wonder where the time has gone.
"Sleeping independently ensures that young children get the rest they require." Not always, Amy. In fact, most babies and toddlers sleep better when they feel safe and warm near their parents. And some kids need that security a little longer than others.
It should be, "Sleeping independently ensures that parents get the rest they require." When my kid is feeling lousy I'll let her sleep next to me - I like to be able to tell if she starts burning up in the middle of the night, or if we're out of town we'll have to share. Let me tell you, I cannot get a good night's sleep sharing a bed with her.

“Joy is the shadow cast by pain”

Since: Dec 08

Twin Cities, MN

#12 Oct 22, 2009
Lil Roo wrote:
<quoted text>
It should be, "Sleeping independently ensures that parents get the rest they require." When my kid is feeling lousy I'll let her sleep next to me - I like to be able to tell if she starts burning up in the middle of the night, or if we're out of town we'll have to share. Let me tell you, I cannot get a good night's sleep sharing a bed with her.
I once read: "Sleep with a two-year-old and the only person getting any sleep is the two-year-old."
Sublime1

Kernersville, NC

#13 Oct 22, 2009
TamoraRose wrote:
<quoted text>
Soon enough, they want to sleep in their own bed anyway, and you wonder where the time has gone.
ITA.
Sublime1

Kernersville, NC

#14 Oct 22, 2009
AngelaMN wrote:
<quoted text>
I once read: "Sleep with a two-year-old and the only person getting any sleep is the two-year-old."
I've never had that problem. The only time I've had a problem is when they all 3 wake up early and come into our room in the early in the morning. Two adults, a cockapoo (who just seemingly has to be in physical contact with me at all times during the night), and 3 kids, makes even a king size bed feel small.
P Ellen

Wood Dale, IL

#15 Oct 22, 2009
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I've never had that problem. The only time I've had a problem is when they all 3 wake up early and come into our room in the early in the morning. Two adults, a cockapoo (who just seemingly has to be in physical contact with me at all times during the night), and 3 kids, makes even a king size bed feel small.
Um, no wonder the side board of the bed broke?
liner

Bronx, NY

#16 Oct 22, 2009
I thought I read somewhere that an infant sleeping with an adult was a bad idea because of the possibility of the adult rolling over onto the baby. Wouldn't this be an issue?
Truth Talker

United States

#17 Oct 22, 2009
LW2 - all three of my kids were out of our bed by 18 months old. Children need to learn how to sleep on their own. The husband should put his son to sleep in his own bed one night - if his wife resists or if their son gets upset and she does not work with him on this change, then he has bigger problems than sleeping arrangements.

“I'm bringing sexy back...”

Since: Jan 09

Location hidden

#18 Oct 22, 2009
Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I've never had that problem. The only time I've had a problem is when they all 3 wake up early and come into our room in the early in the morning. Two adults, a cockapoo (who just seemingly has to be in physical contact with me at all times during the night), and 3 kids, makes even a king size bed feel small.
I'm so lucky, my daughter is so good to me. She never really slept in my bed, we had a cosleeper until she was about 3 months, then she was in her crib, then bed. I would wake up in the morning and walk into her room and she'd be laying in her crib, awake, happy as a clam. Even now she'll keep herself occupied until I wake up. It's awesome.:)

“Never p**s off the Art Teacher”

Since: Jun 09

Upper Chichester, PA

#19 Oct 22, 2009
liner wrote:
I thought I read somewhere that an infant sleeping with an adult was a bad idea because of the possibility of the adult rolling over onto the baby. Wouldn't this be an issue?
I recently saw a news segment where a woman's three children were thought to have been suffocated by her in the family bed.
When her first died, it was thought to be SIDS. The mom woke up to find the infant blue and unresponsive. She later had twins that were found dead the same way. They did exhaustive autopsies and detective work to try to find the cause of death and all they could come up with was that she had rolled over on them at some point during the night and didn't feel them, they smothered, and she didn't discover it until the morning.
There are platform crib attachments you can put on the side of your bed that infants can sleep in so they are next to the mom for easy nursing but not actually in the bed.
I have one for my dog.(don't ask)
Sublime1

Kernersville, NC

#20 Oct 22, 2009
Lil Roo wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm so lucky, my daughter is so good to me. She never really slept in my bed, we had a cosleeper until she was about 3 months, then she was in her crib, then bed. I would wake up in the morning and walk into her room and she'd be laying in her crib, awake, happy as a clam. Even now she'll keep herself occupied until I wake up. It's awesome.:)
Growing boys are hungry in the morning and they want to eat breakfast.

Tell me when this thread is updated:

Subscribe Now Add to my Tracker
First Prev
of 7
Next Last

Add your comments below

Characters left: 4000

Please note by submitting this form you acknowledge that you have read the Terms of Service and the comment you are posting is in compliance with such terms. Be polite. Inappropriate posts may be removed by the moderator. Send us your feedback.

Chicago Discussions

Title Updated Last By Comments
News Barack Obama, our next President (Nov '08) 11 min Earl 1,507,815
News BARACK OBAMA BIRTH CERTIFICATE: Suit contesting... (Jan '09) 28 min Jacques Ottawa 239,232
Graduation in Detroit. 1 hr Another Chance 1
News Scientists say they have proved climate change ... (Dec '08) 2 hr Dudley 8,065
News Man charged with shooting near 26/Cal courthouse 3 hr former democrat 1
News Aurora man charged with kidnapping, murder of 1... 3 hr former democrat 1
News Chicago had a record year of dog poop complaints 11 hr Trump is the man 1

Chicago Jobs

More from around the web

Personal Finance

Chicago Mortgages