Abby 8-28

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“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Aug 29, 2013
 
DEAR ABBY: While I was out of town, my husband, "Miles," ran into his high school girlfriend at a party hosted by good friends of ours. She has been through a bad divorce, and Miles insists his desire to keep in touch with her is merely concern for a dear friend. Until I put a stop to it, he was calling her every night, talking with her for at least an hour at a time. He said there was nothing more to it.

I have now insisted that he call her only once a week and in my presence. He's complying, but it distresses me to hear him enjoy the conversation so much. Miles truly cares about her and she makes him laugh. He says he loves only me and will never leave me. He's a good man and I believe him, but ...

How should I handle this? I don't want to forbid him to talk to her, but I am feeling very insecure. Am I foolish to let their contact continue? We have been married 30 years.-- THREATENED IN KENTUCKY

DEAR THREATENED: Tell your husband you know he loves you, has good morals and would never leave you, but that you feel intimidated by his renewed relationship with his high school sweetheart. Tell him you know he is kindhearted, but for your mental health to please consider winding down these conversations. And it would be a kindness for him to recommend a counselor to his friend to help her resolve her issues.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 27 and the mother of a 6-year-old boy. I kiss him on the mouth and never thought twice about it until today, when my husband told me it's "creepy" that I do it at my son's age.

In my family we have always kissed on the mouth, and I still kiss my mother this way. Is it "weird" or inappropriate? I didn't think so, but now I'm concerned.-- "SMOOCHY" IN TACOMA, WASH.

DEAR "SMOOCHY": Did you also kiss your father on the mouth? Different families have different customs, and if your husband spent much time around your family he should have noticed that. I don't see anything weird or inappropriate about the way you kiss your child. If your son reaches an age where it makes him uncomfortable, I'm sure he'll let you know.

DEAR ABBY: I work in customer service and have noticed that more than half the people who write in abruptly end their emails with "Please advise."

To me, it seems rude and demanding. I feel that if a question has already been asked, there is no need to follow up with this phrase. What is the proper etiquette for using this phrase?-- OFFENDED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR OFFENDED: There is no rule of etiquette pertaining to the use of the phrase "please advise." Many individuals who write to me for advice end their letters that way. It's not offensive; it simply means the person is asking for a reply.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#2
Aug 29, 2013
 

Judged:

1

1

1- If the genders were reversed, the man would be a controlling abuser. Maybe you should do more to make your man happy so he doesn't need to seek comfort with someone else?

2- Well, we have sex in front of our children, bathe with them, I don't see why tonguing them should be a big deal.

3- You really need to find something else to btch about. And something tells me you would.

Since: Jan 10

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#3
Aug 29, 2013
 

Judged:

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L1: "concern for a dear friend"? I don't know, I got the impression that he ran into her after a very long time of not seeing her. Otherwise, he'd have been speaking with her by phone before this party.

I think your husband is on his way to cheating, but he has himself believing he won't do it. Insist on marriage counseling. He needs to refocus on his marriage.

L2: This is very normal in many families, ESPECIALLY children and parents. But no way in gd hell am I kissing anyone on the lips other than a boyfriend/S.O.

L3: Shut up.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#4
Aug 29, 2013
 

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Team mutt, with a scoop of LW3 must be terrible at "Customer Service"

Since: Jan 10

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#5
Aug 29, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: "concern for a dear friend"? I don't know, I got the impression that he ran into her after a very long time of not seeing her. Otherwise, he'd have been speaking with her by phone before this party.
I think your husband is on his way to cheating, but he has himself believing he won't do it. Insist on marriage counseling. He needs to refocus on his marriage.
L2: This is very normal in many families, ESPECIALLY children and parents. But no way in gd hell am I kissing anyone on the lips other than a boyfriend/S.O.
L3: Shut up.
"ESPECIALLY children and parents"

I meant young kids. Not grown adult offspring.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#6
Aug 29, 2013
 
LW1: Heís much too interested in his ex-gf to just be motivated by friendship. I would tell him if he keeps talking to her, you are leaving, and then they can be together if that is what he wants so bad.

LW2: I donít see the problem. I still kiss my folks on the lips after visiting them, and Iím an adult.

LW3: You are wound a little tight.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#7
Aug 29, 2013
 
L1: Yes, tell him to have her see a therapist instead of calling him. If they were only friends he would have wanted you to be her friend, too. Doesn't seem to be the case since there's no mention of everyone going out to dinner or something along those lines.

L2: A six year old? I don't see the big deal.

L3: And who asked you, Mr. Offended in New Jersey? I think it's rude to push your ways on everyone else. What do you say to that? Please advise.:)

Since: Jan 10

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#8
Aug 29, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
LW2: I donít see the problem. I still kiss my folks on the lips after visiting them, and Iím an adult.
It varies from family to family. I'd never tell you that the way your family does it is wrong. But I'm never going to kiss my mom.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#9
Aug 29, 2013
 
LW1: Based on the way he's acting, I'd say he "ran into" her while his pants were down and her skirt was up. Ooops!

And as with a teenager, the more you try and limit contact, the stronger his desire to talk to her will become. You certainly won't be making him laugh if you become a harpy, so tell him how you feel, ask that he limit his contact, and see what happens.

LW2: Not seeing a problem here.

LW3: Do you have a hobby? Please advise.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#10
Aug 29, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
It varies from family to family. I'd never tell you that the way your family does it is wrong. But I'm never going to kiss my mom.
I don't know if they kiss my wife on the lips ... I think it might just be on the cheek. My wife is very close to my mom, tho.

She's like a daughter to my parents since we have been dating for so long, tho (my wife was 16 when we first started dating). She usually gets a b-day card and money for her b-day (her's is the day before my son's tho ... and they are usually sending him something at the same time)... I just get a phone call, lol. I don't care about such things, tho. I'm glad they are close and on good terms.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#11
Aug 29, 2013
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
"ESPECIALLY children and parents"
I meant young kids. Not grown adult offspring.
Sometimes Nunu will come at me like I'm the prince and she's the princess at the end of the movie. It sorta freaks me out and I have to remind her that I'm just a mama. But she only does this after she's actually seen a movie with a kissy ending, so it doesn't happen *that* often.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#12
Aug 29, 2013
 
Never refuse a request to kiss your kid. Ever!
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
Sometimes Nunu will come at me like I'm the prince and she's the princess at the end of the movie. It sorta freaks me out and I have to remind her that I'm just a mama. But she only does this after she's actually seen a movie with a kissy ending, so it doesn't happen *that* often.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#13
Aug 29, 2013
 
Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: Heís much too interested in his ex-gf to just be motivated by friendship. I would tell him if he keeps talking to her, you are leaving, and then they can be together if that is what he wants so bad.
Not always easy to just "leave" after 30 years of marriage. Martial assets, house, you gonna just walk away from that because your spouse is "talking" to some old ex?

There are other reasonable alternatives long before you threaten to just leave.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

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#14
Aug 29, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Never refuse a request to kiss your kid. Ever!
<quoted text>
As icked out as I am about parents and children mouth-kissing each other, I totally agree with you on this, Race.
:)

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#15
Aug 29, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Never refuse a request to kiss your kid. Ever!
<quoted text>
I think you misunderstood what she said.

Since: Jan 10

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#16
Aug 29, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Never refuse a request to kiss your kid. Ever!
<quoted text>
I don't kiss kids, but I agree with this.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#17
Aug 29, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
Never refuse a request to kiss your kid. Ever!
<quoted text>
Oh, I don't refuse it, I just ask that I get the "mama kiss" instead of the "Prince Charming kiss". She needs to save that for the boys...in 20 years.:D

Since: Jan 10

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#18
Aug 29, 2013
 
j_m_w wrote:
<quoted text>
As icked out as I am about parents and children mouth-kissing each other, I totally agree with you on this, Race.
:)
THat's how I feel! Especially LITTLE kids, when their kisses are big, open mouth slobber fests.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#19
Aug 29, 2013
 
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Not always easy to just "leave" after 30 years of marriage. Martial assets, house, you gonna just walk away from that because your spouse is "talking" to some old ex?
There are other reasonable alternatives long before you threaten to just leave.
If my wife wanted to talk to an ex-bf on the phone every night for an hour, who had just become single, while it would not be easy, I think the very fact that she even wanted to do this and was resistant to changing, would cause me leave. I don't want a marriage of convenience ... where my wife emotionally connects and pines after some single ex-bf ... that's not what I signed up for when I married her.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#20
Aug 29, 2013
 
This is the saddest part of the letter
"I have now insisted that he call her only once a week and in my presence. He's complying, but it distresses me to hear him enjoy the conversation so much"

Whatever else happens it will be a long time before LW 's husband laughs on teh phone with her. If ever.

I have a different perspective. Imay be teh oman on teh other end of te phone. A guy I worked with many years ago has remained a good friend. Our professional areas of specialization run close and w often brainstorm and shoot the bull. He ( and his wife) lie opera and go a lot. I do musicals and operetta and we compare notes. The conversations are good and sometimes fun. It makes no difference if his wife is sitting next to him. I am no threat to her or their marriage.

But she doesn't like me and has resisted any efforts to do things as 2 couples. Except that I am not a suddenly reappearing old friend, this could be my friends wife writing.

As far s I am aware , from his side their marriage is solid. The LW is obviously ditressed and that should not be in any way discounted, but making her huband break off all contact is going to cause resentment and will not re-kindle anything.

My advice? Keep your friends close and you enemies closer. Invite her for coffee with your husband, dinner whatever. LW's presence will ensure husband's good behavior. LW's physical, non sulking, non glowering presence ( and joining the conversation which makes people laugh if at all possible) will do more to remind her husband of what is right than anything else and remind hi why and to whom he is pledged in marriage.

And if there is something there, making the old GF watch the marriage may make her so uncomfortable that she will go away. Maybe. In any event, LW will have a better idea what is going on

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