Amy 10-3

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“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Oct 3, 2012
 
DEAR AMY: I am 35 and have an 18-year-old daughter. She will graduate from high school in May. Her father lives with us. He is disabled and is in a wheelchair. Her father and I have not had a "real" male-female relationship in years.

He believed we were together until earlier this year when I told him I wanted to move on. He is not happy about it and has talked about moving into a group home. During all of that drama, I started seeing someone I dated in high school.

My daughter and her father know about this man, and he is very upset. He says I should have waited until he moved out. I don't know if he will ever move out. I care for him very much and never wanted him to live in a group home.

The other man and I fell in love, and I just found out that I am pregnant. I do want another baby; it's just not the ideal situation, and I do not want my daughter's father to feel he is forced to move out. I don't know what to do or how to tell people. Do you have any advice for me about my moral dilemma?-- Probably Pregnant

DEAR PROBABLY: In a moral dilemma, you are trying to decide between two equally difficult options. In your situation, you have already made the choices that a dilemma would force you to ponder in advance of acting.

Because you have forced your daughter's father (you don't mention being married) into a sort of "open" domestic partnership, you may all decide that it would be best for him to stay in the home. This is one option. Otherwise you could help him explore other housing options. He might do well with a roommate or family member in a nearby apartment.

The best way to disclose this news is to do it one person at a time, over the course of one or two days. Start with your current partner, then your daughter's father. After giving him time to digest this news, you should talk to your daughter. Your 18-year-old could present you with the biggest emotional challenge in the short term. Prepare for this.

DEAR AMY: I am a 14-year-old girl in my freshman year of high school. My bedtime is 9 p.m., and my sister's bedtime is 8 p.m. I'm usually in bed on time (give or take a few minutes). My sister (9 years old) has pushed her bedtime back so far that it is the same as mine!

She never gets in trouble, but if I am five minutes late, I get my privileges taken away. My parents' excuse is that they are trying to be sensitive and more lenient with her because they can tell when she has had a bad day. They never seem to notice when I have a bad day. I have been trying to understand their point of view, but don't you think they are being wrong and unfair?-- Upset Sister

DEAR UPSET: Yes, your parents are being wrong and unfair. Welcome to the world.

Your 9-year-old sister is at a tough and demanding age, and it sounds to me as if your folks are giving in to her rather than dealing with her and facing the consequences.

Instead of asking them to change the way they parent her, you should appeal to them to adjust the way they parent you. I hereby grant you another 15 minutes of awake time, as long as you are in bed and reading.

Think they'll go for it?

DEAR AMY: "Heartbroken" wrote about a "groomzilla" who had planned an elaborate destination wedding in Europe that many guests could not afford or were not able to attend.

The same thing happened in our family, and we were also heartbroken. We decided to host a big party stateside after the wedding to include guests who couldn't make it, and I'm so glad we did.-- Parents of the Bride

DEAR PARENTS: I love your generous solution. Thank you.

Since: Jan 10

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#2
Oct 3, 2012
 
L1: Wow.

L2: teen stuff, don't care.

L3: You're not exactly the inventers of that idea. However, it's up to the bride and groom. You can't just throw them a party if they're against it.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#3
Oct 3, 2012
 
LW1: SO let's recap.
YOu are not "with" the father of your child, but he thought you were.
You have already moved on.
You told him so.
You got pregnant and DO want another baby.

But you don't want him to feel like he's been forced to move out.
Are you an idiot? What about the current state of affairs seems welcoming to you? "Don't feel like you HAVE to move. You're welcome to stay here with me, my new lover, and our impending child." Your problem is that you don't want to be the bad guy. Too late.

LW2: 9pm? for a high schooler? Are you shitin me? My 3 & 6 year old have a bed time of 8:30. By high school I was pretty much the master of my bed time, which was usually right after Arsenio Hall's monologue. "Woo woo woo woo woo!"
liner

Bellport, NY

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#4
Oct 3, 2012
 
L1: So you're pregnant? With whom? Anyone in particular?

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#5
Oct 3, 2012
 
LW1: So basically you are moving on to another man because this guy is disabled and in a wheel chair and canít have sex with you.

I think you already made your choices. I donít expect folks to approve of them, but itís your life. There is no way you come out smelling like a rose from all this, and rightfully so.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#6
Oct 3, 2012
 

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L1: Oh, goody. You're breeding again. I hope your first kid goes off to college and doesn't come back to get wrapped up in your weird drama.

L2: "Your 9-year-old sister is at a tough and demanding age" Really? Then what *isn't* a tough and demanding age?

Actually, this letter reminds me of my sister and I who are the same ages apart. Squeaky wheel gets the grease, is what I'd tell the LW. You have to weigh whether being a brat and getting what you want because they've just given up is worth it or not. My sister was handed everything and I wasn't. She currently lives with my dad at almost 30 years old. I have a career, a house, and a husband (3 year anniversary today!). If I'd known all that at 14, I'd have been less bothered by her behavior and my parent's apathy towards it.

L2: Yay for you.

Since: Jan 10

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#7
Oct 3, 2012
 
Happy anniversary!

Since: Jan 10

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#8
Oct 3, 2012
 
Do you think your sister would still be living at home if your mom were alive?

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

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#9
Oct 3, 2012
 

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Mister Tonka wrote:
LW1: SO let's recap.
YOu are not "with" the father of your child, but he thought you were.
You have already moved on.
You told him so.
You got pregnant and DO want another baby.
But you don't want him to feel like he's been forced to move out.
Are you an idiot? What about the current state of affairs seems welcoming to you? "Don't feel like you HAVE to move. You're welcome to stay here with me, my new lover, and our impending child." Your problem is that you don't want to be the bad guy. Too late.
LW2: 9pm? for a high schooler? Are you shitin me? My 3 & 6 year old have a bed time of 8:30. By high school I was pretty much the master of my bed time, which was usually right after Arsenio Hall's monologue. "Woo woo woo woo woo!"
I'm with you.

L1: She's totally wishy-washy here because she doesn't want to be the bad guy. I think she's gotta come clean. Look, LW, if you wanna move on and not live with your ex you have that right. Him being handicapped does not end your right to live your life. You don't seem to be able to express (even anonymously) what you really want, and you need to work on that. If you and your new lover are ok with him living with you, then just tell him the terms. If you want to live separately, then do so. Oh, and Amy's right about two things. One, it's not a moral dilemma, and two, you might get some heat from your daughter. Still, you gotta own your life and your choices.

L2: HA! You're getting played by your parents. Even your little sister has more back bone than you. NO WAY was I gonna be forced to bed at 9pm at 14. You gotta start pushing back now, or your parents are going to try to own every decision you make.

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

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#10
Oct 3, 2012
 

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Sublime1 wrote:
LW1: So basically you are moving on to another man because this guy is disabled and in a wheel chair and canít have sex with you.
I think you already made your choices. I donít expect folks to approve of them, but itís your life. There is no way you come out smelling like a rose from all this, and rightfully so.
I don't think this is fair.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#11
Oct 3, 2012
 
cycle003 wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't think this is fair.
I don't know why she mentioned "real" male female relationship if that didn't have anything to do with it. I don't think it reflects positively upon another person for moving on because the other person is disabled and can't perform.

Having said that, the facts aren't exactly clear, but I would be surprised if she is not painting them in a light most favorable to her.

I would love to hear his side of the story. When did he become disabled? Is this a situation where he became disabled a few years ago, they stopped having a "real" male female relationship because of it. And now she wants out. It sounds like that possibly may be the case, seeing as how he thought everything was fine up until recently and she seems to still care for him.

Normally I sympathize with spouses who aren't getting their needs met, but not in the case of a wheel chair and disability.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#12
Oct 3, 2012
 
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Do you think your sister would still be living at home if your mom were alive?
Wow, good question...I don't think so. Not because my mom wouldn't have *let* her stay there, but she was much more of a 'presence' in the home than my dad, if you will. He's quiet and chill and does his own thing mostly, like a roommate more. My mom was more "Oh, it's 7 a.m. and I see you're quietly eating breakfast, drinking tea, and reading the paper. I'll take this time to unleash verbal diarrhea about people at church you don't know upon you." And the bathroom situation. Only one bathroom in that house. With all her health problems, you practically had to schedule a time to shower.:-/

Since: Jun 09

Madison, WI

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#13
Oct 3, 2012
 

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Sublime1 wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't know why she mentioned "real" male female relationship if that didn't have anything to do with it. I don't think it reflects positively upon another person for moving on because the other person is disabled and can't perform.
Having said that, the facts aren't exactly clear, but I would be surprised if she is not painting them in a light most favorable to her.
I would love to hear his side of the story. When did he become disabled? Is this a situation where he became disabled a few years ago, they stopped having a "real" male female relationship because of it. And now she wants out. It sounds like that possibly may be the case, seeing as how he thought everything was fine up until recently and she seems to still care for him.
Normally I sympathize with spouses who aren't getting their needs met, but not in the case of a wheel chair and disability.
OK, interesting point. I see where you're coming from.

However, first of all, they're not married.

Second, I'm coming from the point of view that most handicapped people I've known don't want to be treated differently or with sympathy. The ones I've known would be appalled if their SO wanted to leave but stayed because of guilt over the handicap.

Sure, people might not look favorably on her, but I really don't think it's fair.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

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#14
Oct 3, 2012
 
Heh, J just texted me "I guess the 3rd anniversary is leather. Bow chicka bow wow."

Since: Feb 08

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#15
Oct 3, 2012
 
Matilda77 wrote:
L1: Oh, goody. You're breeding again. I hope your first kid goes off to college and doesn't come back to get wrapped up in your weird drama.
L2: "Your 9-year-old sister is at a tough and demanding age" Really? Then what *isn't* a tough and demanding age?
Actually, this letter reminds me of my sister and I who are the same ages apart. Squeaky wheel gets the grease, is what I'd tell the LW. You have to weigh whether being a brat and getting what you want because they've just given up is worth it or not. My sister was handed everything and I wasn't. She currently lives with my dad at almost 30 years old. I have a career, a house, and a husband (3 year anniversary today!). If I'd known all that at 14, I'd have been less bothered by her behavior and my parent's apathy towards it.
L2: Yay for you.
Happy Anniversary!

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#16
Oct 3, 2012
 
cycle003 wrote:
<quoted text>
The ones I've known would be appalled if their SO wanted to leave but stayed because of guilt over the handicap.
I agree that one shouldn't want to be in a relationship if someone doesn't want to be in one with you, regardless of whether one is handicapped or not.

It's just that if you would not be leaving someone who you have been in a relationship with for a long time, but for them becoming disabled, it looks bad. I don't think one can help their feelings about this or that it is easy, but I can't say that it is unfair that folks are going to judge you negatively because of this.

If Bambi had become disabled and in a wheel chair before we married, I would not have left her.

“Licensed to Ill”

Since: Aug 08

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#17
Oct 3, 2012
 
Matilda77 wrote:
Heh, J just texted me "I guess the 3rd anniversary is leather. Bow chicka bow wow."
LOL

Since: Mar 09

United States

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#18
Oct 3, 2012
 
Happy Anniversary, Matilda!

L1: You are a train wreck.

L2: You lost me at "bedtime."

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#19
Oct 3, 2012
 

Judged:

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LW1: Oh, the tangled web we weave...

You're going to have to be honest with everyone and be prepared to have some ugliness and bad feelings. Mostly from the teenaged daughter, I'm guessing.

LW2: Lobby for a little later bedtime and try and take comfort in knowing that your brain is getting the rest it needs so you can learn at your best the next day.

I know, it's cold comfort, but this way you can get great grades, get a scholarship to an excellent school and never look back.

LW3: Hey! I said that.

And Happy Anniversary Matilda!

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

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#20
Oct 3, 2012
 

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cycle003 wrote:
L2: HA! You're getting played by your parents. Even your little sister has more back bone than you. NO WAY was I gonna be forced to bed at 9pm at 14. You gotta start pushing back now, or your parents are going to try to own every decision you make.
If you were MY 14 yr old and and said no way you were going to bed at 9 (which is reasonable for a school night,) I'd say okay, no more xbox and computer privilages for a month, and now you're going to bed at 8.

If you've raised rebellious teens who push back, you've failed.

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