“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Sep 16, 2013
DEAR AMY: Our handsome and educated 28-year-old son is addicted to chewing tobacco.

What he insisted started out as recreational use (on the weekends, while hunting, etc.) has now advanced to chronic use. He has seen pictures of oral cancer, read articles, been offered help with pills, gum and patches. He has refused any assistance to kick this habit.

I am a health care professional. Both of my parents' deaths were hastened by cigarette addiction, and since then we prohibit smoking in our home. My son's justification of his use is that it is "clean" and doesn't fill the space with any harmful, foul odor or secondhand smoke.

I say tobacco use is tobacco use, and we don't tolerate it in this house.

He lives three hours from us, and visits frequently. The past few visits he has left behind (under the bed) empty tobacco tins and half-filled water bottles of tobacco/saliva. I accidentally kicked one over when I didn't see it under the bed.

I'd like to remind him of our wishes and tell him that if he chooses to use tobacco he can stand on the porch like everyone else or use this substance off the property.

My wife doesn't want to enforce this, saying we won't see him anymore because he'll stay at his girlfriend's house; she tolerates his use. Any ideas?-- Frustrated Father

DEAR FATHER: My idea is to support you in your choice to attach reasonable consequences to your son's tobacco use while he is a guest in your home. He rejects your attempts to help him try to kick this dangerous addiction.(And if leaving half-filled bottles of tobacco spit under the bed qualifies as a "clean" use of tobacco, he seriously needs to take an objective look at his tongue, teeth -- and your carpet.)

None of this will matter, however, unless your wife gets on board and you two present a reasonable, calm and united front.

Here is what you should convey to him:

"We love to see you. You are an adult and are in charge of your own life. That means that you have the right to do what you want to do. However, as you know, we don't tolerate tobacco use inside our home. That means that if you care to 'chaw,' you'll have to do it outside."

If he chooses to interrupt a meal or conversation and step outside to chaw, then so be it. If he chooses to stay with his girlfriend because he doesn't like the terms you set, then you'll have to accept it.

DEAR AMY: I have a best friend who is the brother I never had. He is smart, organized, well read, and has a great memory -- many of the qualities I lack. However, he consistently finds the negative aspect of things. He tends to remember all of the bad events and focuses on problems (not solutions).

I feel that in good conversations friends discuss their problems and share solutions.

I try to focus on positive thought and action; it is difficult when I have enjoyed something and he consistently picks it apart or dreads something in advance that turns out great.

We have talked about this; what am I to do?-- Friend

DEAR FRIEND: You say your friend has some really good qualities that compliment your own. In many ways you two sound like a good fit. I can imagine why he enjoys spending time with you.

One of the heavier lifts of friendship is to accept your friends as they are, while still trying to influence them positively through your own honest reflection and good intentions. You are right that friends offer one another solutions -- but unless your friend is seeking to change, your efforts should be focused on acceptance.

DEAR AMY: In reference to the letter in your column from "Worried Mom", Muslim men are allowed to marry Christian or Jewish women without any demand from the husband or his family that they convert to Islam.-- Ibrahim Hooper, national communications director, Council on American-Islamic Relations

DEAR IBRAHIM: Thank you. But as you know, some religious families have different (sometimes stricter) requirements than their faith dictates.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Sep 16, 2013
L1: " I am a health care professional." That is code for, "I'm not a doctor, nurse, or pharmacist, but I have special knowledge about medical matters."

At any rate,(1) quit nagging your son, and (2) could you at least finish raising him so he knows not to leave cans of chew spit behind? WTH is wrong with that neanderthal?

L2: Here we go again. He is who he is. You can't change him. Either stop trying to change him and accept him as he is, or accept him as he is and stop being friends. Which one do you want more?

L3: Yes, that may follow "True" Islam, but good luck making that work in general.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#3 Sep 16, 2013
1. You've done your job, now step back and realize he's a grown man and great him as such.

2. Your letter is irritating.

3. What is this, PSA Day?

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#4 Sep 16, 2013
LW1: Heís an adult. Itís his choice to make. Of course you can make rules for your home, but he can also decide he doesnít want to visit you in your home, which is most likely what the result will be of your controlling attitude.

I think it is okay to say something about leaving bottles around, however.

LW2: Donít care.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Sep 16, 2013
L1: What Amy said without the handwringing.

L2: Is he your friend or not? This LW knows he can't change someone yet he's looking for permission and a way to do it.

L3: What Red said.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Sep 16, 2013
LW1: Make him do it outside, especially since he can't seem to remember that he left his spit can under the bed. That's just rude and disgusting and incredibly disrespectful of his hosts, I don't care if they are his parents.

LW2: I see these guys being the Odd Couple in a few years.

LW3: This may be accurate, but in reality it is complete bullsh!t.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Sep 16, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW1: Make him do it outside, especially since he can't seem to remember that he left his spit can under the bed. That's just rude and disgusting and incredibly disrespectful of his hosts, I don't care if they are his parents.
LW2: I see these guys being the Odd Couple in a few years.
LW3: This may be accurate, but in reality it is complete bullsh!t.
1 Agree
2 I think the LW is a girl, not a guy
3. Agree

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Detroit, MI

#9 Sep 16, 2013
1- Health care professional? Yeah, you're probably a janitor at a VD clinic. Anyway, he shouldn't be leaving spit containers lying around, but otherwise, pull the dam stick out.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Sep 16, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW1: Make him do it outside, especially since he can't seem to remember that he left his spit can under the bed. That's just rude and disgusting and incredibly disrespectful of his hosts, I don't care if they are his parents.
LW2: I see these guys being the Odd Couple in a few years.
LW3: This may be accurate, but in reality it is complete bullsh!t.
I get the idea that he has already laid down the law that this needs to go on outside and that he's just ignorong them and doing ot in secret behind closed doors and forgeting his spit cup in the morning

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#11 Sep 16, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I get the idea that he has already laid down the law that this needs to go on outside and that he's just ignorong them and doing ot in secret behind closed doors and forgeting his spit cup in the morning
He ignores it because mama doesn't want to hurt his feelings and won't put her foot down too.

The spit cup is totally disgusting, and he must live deep in denial if he doesn't realize that. To leave them around the house is just blatant disrespect, imo.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#12 Sep 16, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
He ignores it because mama doesn't want to hurt his feelings and won't put her foot down too.
The spit cup is totally disgusting, and he must live deep in denial if he doesn't realize that. To leave them around the house is just blatant disrespect, imo.
Yeah.

He doesn't "forget" about the chew cups. He just doesn't care.

Or, if he DOES forget about them, it's because his addiction is so strong, he has spit cups going 24/7.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#13 Sep 16, 2013
You're both right. I'm just saying the 'rule' is already in place and being ignored, so having the rule that he go outside is not a solution

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#14 Sep 16, 2013
Of course he knows the rules. He doesn't care. He doesn't respect his parents enough to care. He has mommy in the palm of his hand.

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#15 Sep 16, 2013
3: Ahem... Yes it's true they can marry a Christian or Jewish woman (doesn't work the other way around btw) however what the guy from CAIR (an organization I find dubious) didn't say is that in many cultures they don't giveashit what the Koran says and will insist on a Muslim wife by whatever means necessary. Some understand what it says but would really "prefer" that she convert and will not get the hell off her back about it. So there's that...

Since: Feb 10

Location hidden

#16 Sep 16, 2013
squishymama wrote:
<quoted text>
He ignores it because mama doesn't want to hurt his feelings and won't put her foot down too.
The spit cup is totally disgusting, and he must live deep in denial if he doesn't realize that. To leave them around the house is just blatant disrespect, imo.
I don't think he forgets them at all - probably leaves them there on purpose to show them that he can do what he wants.

Dad should take them to the kid's place and accidently knock them all over on his couch.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#17 Sep 16, 2013
itser wrote:
<quoted text>
I don't think he forgets them at all - probably leaves them there on purpose to show them that he can do what he wants.
Dad should take them to the kid's place and accidently knock them all over on his couch.
It probably already is all over the place, if that's the respect he has for other people's houses.
liner

Brooklyn, NY

#18 Sep 16, 2013
L1: His girlfriend tolerates his chewing? Then that's the place he should be staying. The good news is, eventually he'll get mouth cancer and after they remove most of his jaw, he won't be sassing you back.
ps, I have absolutely NO sympathy for someone who chews tobacco. Probably the most disgusting habit I can think of.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#19 Sep 16, 2013
liner wrote:
L1: His girlfriend tolerates his chewing? Then that's the place he should be staying. The good news is, eventually he'll get mouth cancer and after they remove most of his jaw, he won't be sassing you back.
ps, I have absolutely NO sympathy for someone who chews tobacco. Probably the most disgusting habit I can think of.
My first boyfriend in college was from rural TN and we visited his family several times. His best buddy from HS was an apprentice bricklayer, and told us about one of the master tradesmen he was working with. The old man had chewed for years and gotten mouth cancer. Parts of his jaw were replaced and such, so this kid asks him "so what did you do?" The old man replied "Just moved the chaw to the other side."

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#20 Sep 16, 2013
liner wrote:
L1: His girlfriend tolerates his chewing? Then that's the place he should be staying. The good news is, eventually he'll get mouth cancer and after they remove most of his jaw, he won't be sassing you back.
ps, I have absolutely NO sympathy for someone who chews tobacco. Probably the most disgusting habit I can think of.
I agree! I grew up near you and I never even HEARD of chewing until I was 18. I about gagged!!!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#21 Sep 16, 2013
I grew up around chewing. Chew wasn't allowed in our HS, but even the principal's son had the tell-tale ring in his backpocket from where he kept his can of chew.

We had a GIRL on our bus dippin' chew in the morning before school. 15, 16 years old. Also wore a tshirt one day that said "Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you'll get or how long it will last." She got mad when they made her turn the tshirt inside out.

Poorly raised kids become troubled teens, sometimes.

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