“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#21 Mar 20, 2013
RACE wrote:
Or she could just say she does not want to deal with the drama and stay home.
<quoted text>
True. It would then be his problem to explain why she wasn't there. I have no problem with that.

I just don't think its a wife's place to do/say anything to raise conflict between her husband and his family or exacerbate any existing issues (and vice versa). Their relationship and attached issues are not her problem to fix.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Knoxville, TN

#22 Mar 20, 2013
1. I don't feel sorry for people who don't speak up for themselves. Until you and your husband say something and establish some boundaries, you're going to have to deal. If you want to be an adult and stand up for yourself, then I can get behind you.

2. I don't have a land line, so I really don't care, but I do think the caller should identify himself/herself.

3. I don't think you advertise, but if the grandchild asks, you should be honest.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Knoxville, TN

#23 Mar 20, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I just don't think its a wife's place to do/say anything to raise conflict between her husband and his family or exacerbate any existing issues (and vice versa). Their relationship and attached issues are not her problem to fix.
It's also not her "place" to suffer in silence because her husband won't man up and continually allows her to be placed in awkward/unpleasant/difficult circumstances. A man's "place" is to shield his wife from the kind of b.s. the wife is describing.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#24 Mar 20, 2013
Sam I Am GEAM wrote:
<quoted text>
It's also not her "place" to suffer in silence because her husband won't man up and continually allows her to be placed in awkward/unpleasant/difficult circumstances. A man's "place" is to shield his wife from the kind of b.s. the wife is describing.
Shield her from what bs? The ex friend was HIS ex friend, not hers. Like I said, I got no problem if she decides not to go visit. The same way he's choosing to avoid or sidestep the issue at hand, he can find a way to explain her absence himself.

Assume you're married. Take the relationship your husband has with his boss, for example. Any relationship you have with his boss is thru him in a sense. You would never do or say anything to his boss that would put a strain on his relationship with his boss would you? You might complain like hell to him that the boss is calling him after hours too much or expecting too much overtime or ruining plans that you had together. But you would not voice those concerns to his boss would you? I'm guessing not. That's how I view a spouse's family. Not to say you can't have a relationship with them, but YOU should never be the one raising hell with them over what is going on between them and your spouse. You should never do anything to put undue stress on their relationship.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#25 Mar 20, 2013
I can see that being the case with roommates, but when your spouse answers I think it is more common for the partner to ask who it is, not just take the phone.

As for typical, yes it was. During the heyday of telemarketing calls we would get calls wanting to talk to Mrs RACE, which was a dead giveaway because we were not married. So why would I even bother my SO with this joker?

Since we have the same social circle and knew each others friends, if the phone rang and I could not identify the caller, I would ask who it was. In fact, if someone called for me, and I did not recognize the voice, I also asked who it was before I would identify myself as the person they called to speak to.

If the call is for you, do you immediately say "Speaking" when they ask for Tonka?
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Between college and now, I have lived with 23 people over a number of houses/apartments. While asking that question HAS occurred, it was never common practice.
"<answers phone> Hello. <listens> Yeah. Hold on. HEY, THE PHONE'S FOR YOU"
"<picks up other line in another room> OK, I GOT IT! Hello"
That is my most common experience from both sides of that conversation.
<quoted text> And these are typical calls that you have had to deal with? Is the wife not permitted to answer the phone when you're not home? How would she handle such calls were you not there to run interference?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#26 Mar 20, 2013
okay, but dont you think it's rude to have a person refuse to identify themself when asked?
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
To me, polite is
"hi, can I speak to edog, please"
vs
"edog there?"
or
"lemme talk to edog"
Identifying yourself does not make it any more polite in my book.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#27 Mar 20, 2013
I dont see the relationships as being equal.
No, I would not speak up to SO's boss, but if SO's family is disturbing my relationship with SO, then I think they have a right to say something because they are not just impacting SO, but myself as well, so by standing up for SO, I am in fact standing up for myself.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> Shield her from what bs? The ex friend was HIS ex friend, not hers. Like I said, I got no problem if she decides not to go visit. The same way he's choosing to avoid or sidestep the issue at hand, he can find a way to explain her absence himself.
Assume you're married. Take the relationship your husband has with his boss, for example. Any relationship you have with his boss is thru him in a sense. You would never do or say anything to his boss that would put a strain on his relationship with his boss would you? You might complain like hell to him that the boss is calling him after hours too much or expecting too much overtime or ruining plans that you had together. But you would not voice those concerns to his boss would you? I'm guessing not. That's how I view a spouse's family. Not to say you can't have a relationship with them, but YOU should never be the one raising hell with them over what is going on between them and your spouse. You should never do anything to put undue stress on their relationship.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#28 Mar 20, 2013
RACE wrote:
I can see that being the case with roommates, but when your spouse answers I think it is more common for the partner to ask who it is, not just take the phone.
As for typical, yes it was. During the heyday of telemarketing calls we would get calls wanting to talk to Mrs RACE, which was a dead giveaway because we were not married. So why would I even bother my SO with this joker?
Since we have the same social circle and knew each others friends, if the phone rang and I could not identify the caller, I would ask who it was. In fact, if someone called for me, and I did not recognize the voice, I also asked who it was before I would identify myself as the person they called to speak to.
If the call is for you, do you immediately say "Speaking" when they ask for Tonka?
<quoted text>
I think it sounds nosy to ask who it is. I think it's proper to identify yourself when you call but I don't get my panties in a bunch if someone doesn't.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#29 Mar 20, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
Identifying yourself does not make it any more polite in my book.
It does in mine.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#30 Mar 20, 2013
RACE wrote:
I can see that being the case with roommates, but when your spouse answers I think it is more common for the partner to ask who it is, not just take the phone.
Perhaps in your experience. Not in mine.
RACE wrote:
I would ask who it was.
I've never asked that question except in the rare instance that whoever the phone was for and wanted me to find out so as to determine if they needed to stop what they were doing.

"Hey you got a call"
"Who is it?"
"I don't know.
"Find out. I'm in the middle of xyz"
"Its Gertrude Higgins"

"ok, I'll be there in a second" or "Can you take a message? I need to finish this"

And if for some reason you were trying to duck someone, you better tell me BEFORE I answer the phone. I got no problem lying for you. But I'm not gonna be the guy that tries to hand you the phone to then have to pick it back up and say you're not there.
RACE wrote:
If the call is for you, do you immediately say "Speaking" when they ask for Tonka?
<quoted text>
yes. Though admittedly, at this point, I have everyone and their mother's phone number in my phone, so I know who it is before I pick up. And depending on what I am doing, if I don't want to talk to unknown, I will just let it go to voice mail. But if I do answer it, yes, I am going not going to try to screen the call verbally. I use caller ID and voice mail if I want to screen a call.
RACE wrote:
okay, but dont you think it's rude to have a person refuse to identify themself when asked?
<quoted text>
I never suggested any such thing. While I don't feel like it's any of that person's business who I am, I said I always say who I am WHEN ASKED. I never suggested anyone go all jerky boys on them ad scream PUT FRANK RIZZO ON THE PHONE!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#31 Mar 20, 2013
LW1: So passive-agressive we are!

You don't like going at the holidays? Then don't go next year. Tell people you need a holiday to yourselves and book a flight to the Bahamas.

LW2: Boy, if your panties get in such a bunch about phone etiquette, email and texting etiquette must make you homocidal. Lighten up already.

LW3: Nice that it worked out for you. Now go talk to the little girl on Abby today and see how it's working for her.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#32 Mar 20, 2013
RACE wrote:
I dont see the relationships as being equal.
Not equal. But similar in that, for the most part, if your spouse was not in the picture, you would not have a relationship with them. Your spouse is the primary point of contact.

“FD&S is no way to be.”

Since: Feb 13

Knoxville, TN

#33 Mar 20, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text> Shield her from what bs? The ex friend was HIS ex friend, not hers. Like I said, I got no problem if she decides not to go visit. The same way he's choosing to avoid or sidestep the issue at hand, he can find a way to explain her absence himself.
Assume you're married. Take the relationship your husband has with his boss, for example. Any relationship you have with his boss is thru him in a sense. You would never do or say anything to his boss that would put a strain on his relationship with his boss would you? You might complain like hell to him that the boss is calling him after hours too much or expecting too much overtime or ruining plans that you had together. But you would not voice those concerns to his boss would you? I'm guessing not. That's how I view a spouse's family. Not to say you can't have a relationship with them, but YOU should never be the one raising hell with them over what is going on between them and your spouse. You should never do anything to put undue stress on their relationship.
This isn't about the friend or any boss situation. It's about the in-laws not respecting any boundaries. The friend is just an example. The in-laws have all these excessive time expectations and a general lack of regard for the LW's time and boundaries. You recall the part of the letter where the LW said they actually moved hours away to try to mitigate that issue?

And talk about causing undue stress. How is the husband failing to speak up worse than if the wife were to speak up? Right now she is being stressed by a situation that I think most any of us would find unpleasant. Why is her happiness any less important than his? If one spouse will not speak up in a situation that is clearly wrong, the other spouse should not have to just suck it.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#34 Mar 20, 2013
Toj wrote:
L1: Amy's right, they're neither are dealing with it. While it isn't the wife's problem, it becomes her problem when her husband is upset and disrupts their holidays/visits. She should push hubby to speak up, although I don't think you should treat your husband as if he can't do for himself.
This husband reminds me of that husband from a few days ago who, when his sister showed up for dinner with the parents, he became a puddle of ooze and couldn't funciton.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#35 Mar 20, 2013
1. We don't know that the family knows about the end of the friendship with Gerard.

2. But if the family is so tight and close-knit, shouldn't they have known by now?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#36 Mar 20, 2013
Sam I Am GEAM wrote:
<quoted text>
This isn't about the friend or any boss situation. It's about the in-laws not respecting any boundaries. The friend is just an example. The in-laws have all these excessive time expectations and a general lack of regard for the LW's time and boundaries. You recall the part of the letter where the LW said they actually moved hours away to try to mitigate that issue?
And talk about causing undue stress. How is the husband failing to speak up worse than if the wife were to speak up? Right now she is being stressed by a situation that I think most any of us would find unpleasant. Why is her happiness any less important than his? If one spouse will not speak up in a situation that is clearly wrong, the other spouse should not have to just suck it.
I question whether LW and her husband have actually ESTABLISHED any boundaries. THey opted to move far away. Maybe they did that instead of having a conversation with his family about establishing boundaries.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#37 Mar 20, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
1. We don't know that the family knows about the end of the friendship with Gerard.
2. But if the family is so tight and close-knit, shouldn't they have known by now?
The parents sound controlling to me. Without any further evidence or knowledge. Just the way everything is worded. A feeling. Maybe b/c the husband sound a bit wimpy.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#38 Mar 20, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: "we feel betrayed and besieged" No, your HUSBAND feels betrayed and besieged. What does your HUSBAND want? Why are you trying to fix everything? He's an adult. I think you should remove yourself from between your husband and his family and let him talk to them.
And you know, you don't have to go home to visit such obnoxious people. It's not mandatory. Try staying home one year, turn off the phone(s) and enjoy each other's company.
L2: Hyperbole is not your friend. NO, not EVERYBODY is doing this. And you DO sound like an old fogey. What's next, shaking your fist in the air at the kids on your lawn?
L3: Oh please. If grandma can teach granddaughter to learn form *other people's mistakes* it'd be a miracle. many people never learn from their OWN mistakes, let alone others'.
Team Red FTW!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#39 Mar 20, 2013
Tonka, I thought you said once that you ALWAYS answer the phone.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#40 Mar 20, 2013
Shouldn't the phone question go to Miss Manners instead of Amby?

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