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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Oct 9, 2012
DEAR AMY: My visits with my Swiss in-laws have included the increasing incidence of their using the toilet with an open door. This is a huge issue for me. My husband thinks they just feel really close to me. If this is true, how do I keep them from feeling that close?

They've mocked my American modesty in the past: I never used the outdoor shower at their lake house because it was completely exposed. My father-in-law sweetly enclosed it in an attempt to lure me from the enclosed indoor shower (this didn't work), referring to it using a derogatory word for Americans.

Their nude sunbathing doesn't bother me (I can escape), but while visiting their home, their open-door eliminations are harder to avoid. The tipping point came last night. I had my mother-in-law, "Marianne," over for dinner, and she left my bathroom door open while using it. How do I get my in-laws to close the bathroom door while they see to their private business?-- An American in Switzerland

DEAR AMERICAN: While there isn't much you can do to change your in-laws' habits in their own home, you can certainly ask them to close the door while in your home.

I assume you and your husband close the bathroom door when you have guests over. If his parents raised him to be an open-door kind of guy, he seems to have adjusted to your American sensibilities.

It's no fun to be mocked for who you are. And frankly, it is rude of them to denigrate your comfort and culture. But all you can do is say, "I know you don't like this about me, but I really do feel uncomfortable when you leave the bathroom door open."

In your own home, if an in-law is headed in that direction, you can say, "Marianne, do me a favor and shut the door, please."

DEAR AMY: My best friend has been urging me to write a book for 20 years. Well, I finally did it! I gave her the manuscript six weeks ago, but she hasn't read it. I know she reads in bed each night, but she says she has to read on her Kindle so she doesn't keep her husband awake.

I am disappointed and don't know how to handle this. We have been friends all our lives. My inclination is to write her an email suggesting she give me back the manuscript because someone else wants to read it. Or should I just forget it?-- Frustrated Author/friend

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Here's some professional insight into the impact of creative accomplishments on your friendships: Not everybody is actually happy for you. Even the people who have been cheering you on for years will have mixed feelings about your accomplishment.

It is possible that your friend has read your book and doesn't know how to respond. Or she is a little conflicted about the fact that you have actually done what she urged you to do. After all, if you've finally written your book, then this means she needs to start training for the half-marathon (or accomplish whatever long-standing goal she has).

Don't ask for your manuscript back unless you actually need it. Find another reader who will be a more active participant in this process. I recommend writing groups for "work-shopping" manuscripts. You can find a group through your local independent book shop.

DEAR AMY: I really agreed with your advice to "Former Cheater" to confront her friend about her cheating. I did this with a former friend. Her (now ex) husband later told me that I was the only person in their circle who knew about the cheating and raised any objection.

We owe it to our friends to stay out of their relationships, but when they make choices that negatively affect us and hurt people (or themselves) and we become involved, we shouldn't be silent.-- Been There

DEAR BEEN THERE: Our friends are supposed to tell us the truth. Thank you.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#2 Oct 9, 2012
1- Pull the stick out, lady! Using the toilet is "natural" and nothing to be "ashamed" of! What prudes Americans are!
Right, peeps?

3- Knowing about someone's cheating and not speaking up about it is a form of condoning their behavior.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#3 Oct 9, 2012
L1: I know someone whose family is Swiss and they shut the door when they're in the bathroom. I don't think this is a broad cultural thing, I think it's this particular family's quirk. Talk to your husband about this and have HIM talk to his parents.

L2: You're going to need much thicker skin if you're serious about trying to get this book published.

L3: "We owe it to our friends to stay out of their relationships, but when they make choices that negatively affect us and hurt people (or themselves) and we become involved, we shouldn't be silent."

I agree with this, and edog, I'm somewhat surprised at your response here, considering that on the regs thread, you told me to stay out of the drama regarding my friend.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#4 Oct 9, 2012
L1: What if their trip results in an unpleasant occurrence...gross. j-m-w is right, this is a familial oddity, not a cultural thing.

L2: Got your feelings hurt? Don't try to publish your book crybaby.

“Fort Kickass”

Since: Sep 09

Bloomington, IL

#5 Oct 9, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
I agree with this, and edog, I'm somewhat surprised at your response here, considering that on the regs thread, you told me to stay out of the drama regarding my friend.
You *do* know who you're talking to, right? It doesn't *have* to make any sense.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Oct 9, 2012
LW1: "referring to it using a derogatory word for Americans."
What's the term? Yanke? Did they make a Yankee Shower? ohhh....how insulting. Not.

I am a firm believer that battles with your inlaws should be handled by your spouse. He should be the one dealing with this.

LW2: I imagine you wrote the book on a computer then printed it to paper for your friend. Instead, save teh file as a PDF. Then she should be able to read it on her kindle. Problem solved. Unless she already read it and is stalling telling you it sucks.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#7 Oct 9, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
3- Knowing about someone's cheating and not speaking up about it is a form of condoning their behavior.
Or it could be someone that does not want to be involved in someone else's drama. Didn't you just recommend staying out of other people's drama this morning?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#8 Oct 9, 2012
j_m_w wrote:
edog, I'm somewhat surprised at your response here, considering that on the regs thread, you told me to stay out of the drama regarding my friend.
Hah! I just said hte same thing.

Since: Mar 09

Miami, FL

#9 Oct 9, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Hah! I just said hte same thing.
GMTA!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#10 Oct 9, 2012
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>Or it could be someone that does not want to be involved in someone else's drama. Didn't you just recommend staying out of other people's drama this morning?
I knew you would try to make a comparison. There's a difference between involving yourself in someone else's drama, and confronting your friend about cheating on her husband.
Ann

Chicago, IL

#11 Oct 9, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I knew you would try to make a comparison. There's a difference between involving yourself in someone else's drama, and confronting your friend about cheating on her husband.
I agree with you on this as long as you keep clear of the uproar. The problem is that the messenger of bad news is often the target.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#12 Oct 9, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I knew you would try to make a comparison. There's a difference between involving yourself in someone else's drama, and confronting your friend about cheating on her husband.
And I wasn't the only one.
Sam I Am

Palatine, IL

#13 Oct 9, 2012
1. The LW needs to say something and I disagree her husband should say it for her. He is not her mouthpiece and she is not (or at least shouldn't be) a helpless little puppy. I agree they get to do things their way on their turf, but in the LW's house, they need to show the same respect, and the LW should say something, and her husband should support her. I just don't get who would fight to leave the door open.

2. Did you write the book just for her? No? Then tell her you have someone else who wants to read it and you'd like it back if she's not going to read it soon. What is the big deal?

3.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#14 Oct 9, 2012
Ann wrote:
<quoted text>
I agree with you on this as long as you keep clear of the uproar. The problem is that the messenger of bad news is often the target.
?
Who's being a messenger of bad news? I'm not suggesting she spill the beans to the husband.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#15 Oct 9, 2012
1 Tell your inlaws "You would be speaking german right now if it was not for the USA, Now thank me and shut the g*dam door!"

I hate foreign pukes!

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#16 Oct 9, 2012
I'm amused by everyone's double standard regarding l1.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#17 Oct 9, 2012
L1: Your inlaws are rude, obnoxious, and clueless to behave this way with a guest. Would they leave the door open if *I* were a visitor? I'd probably leave because I have uptight bathroom tendencies. Wow. I'd walk out of their house -- with their son -- if they did it again. And they wouldn't be invited to MY home if they continued to leave the door open.

L2: Give it to an agent or shut up about it already.

L3: Right, because this is a one-size-fits-all problem.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 Oct 9, 2012
edogxxx wrote:
I'm amused by everyone's double standard regarding l1.
I'm amused by you once again picking 1 similar aspect of 2 different scenarios and considering them to be the same. I assume you still stuck on nudity around small children.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#19 Oct 9, 2012
RACE wrote:
1 Tell your inlaws "You would be speaking german right now if it was not for the USA, Now thank me and shut the g*dam door!"
I hate foreign pukes!
I'm glad my in-laws didn't engage in the open bathroom door policy. I'd have been grossed out when either of them were making #2.....

Since: Mar 09

Pittsburgh, PA

#20 Oct 9, 2012
RACE wrote:
1 Tell your inlaws "You would be speaking german right now if it was not for the USA, Now thank me and shut the g*dam door!"
I hate foreign pukes!
As they are SWISS, they probably already speak German.

Plus, nude swimming and sunbathing (Friekorperkultur, or Free Body Culture) was quite popular in Germany in the 1920s and early 1930s (post-1933, the naturist organizations were absorbed into Nazi organizations.)

Hitler's concession to Friekorperkultur was to take off his shoes and socks and roll up his pant legs!(Source: Hitler's Niece by Ron Hansen)

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