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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Nov 1, 2013
DEAR AMY: I recently noticed a lot of precisely cut lines on my friend's arm. I am pretty sure that these cuts were the results of self-harm.

As soon as she noticed me looking at them, she covered her arm. I haven't said anything to her yet.

She seems like a happy person with loving parents and supportive friends. I don't think that there is anyone bullying her (and we have a really small school, so I would know). She is generally liked and is popular.

This is really worrying me, and I don't know how to handle it.

I don't know if I should tell her, and if so how. Please help me to help her.-- Worried Friend

DEAR WORRIED: A person can seem happy and healthy on the outside and still be insecure, anxious or in pain. You simply never really know what people are going through.

The reason some people cut themselves is because they are trying to find ways to cope with feelings that are otherwise unexpressed.

You should notify your school counselor about this. If it's not treated, self-harm ("cutting") can progress and become even more serious. You are a very good friend to notice this and want to help; seeking help for a friend is the first step toward her healing.

DEAR AMY: Two of my close friends just broke up, and I'm looking for advice on how to deal with the aftermath. The breakup wasn't "bad" -- no fighting, screaming or bad-mouthing.

But I still feel stuck in the middle because they're extremely uncomfortable and depressed around each other. I met these two at the exact same time (not an exaggeration -- on the first day of college, we were standing next to one another in a line). There is no way I can, or would even want to, pick sides.

The problem is that our friend-groups are exactly the same, and I can't think of a way of hanging out with one without the other finding out. I can't simply invite one and not the other with any hope of keeping it a secret.

I'm really at a loss: These two people are my closest friends in the world, and I don't know how I'm supposed to weather the storm without making things worse.-- Stuck

DEAR STUCK: Your primary job is to be honest with both friends and to cope with your own discomfort -- not to change your behavior or act against your instincts to shield them from their discomfort.

This is an awkward situation and will remain so until everybody settles down. Tell both friends: "I know this is tough on you, but it's hard for your friends too. I'm going to do my best to spend time with each of you, but I hope you will figure out a way to hang out together with the group."

If you choose to spend time with one friend, and the other wants you to be exclusionary, you'll have to spell it out that you care about them equally and won't be pressured to choose between them.

DEAR AMY: Your advice (about unequal bequests) to take care of family in the kindest way hit a nerve with me.

My mother, in her mid-90s and of sound mind, cannot grasp the "emotional equity" concept of your advice. After the death of my only sibling several years ago, my mom has redone her trust twice, the latest in an effort to leave out my nephew for the indiscretion of not phoning often enough.

She is about to have her first great-grandchild. If this baby is given "the right name," he or she will be written into the trust.

I have brought up the inequity subject twice over the course of a few years and realized it was of no value. To inoculate my children, just in case they were expecting anything, I have told them that grandma will not be leaving anything for them in her will. To their credit, they remain loving and giving toward her (as do I).-- Frustrated Daughter

DEAR DAUGHTER: Preparing your children for this legacy inequity (and carrying on regardless) is the right thing to do.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Nov 1, 2013
1- It's her arm, let her scar it all she wants.

2- Ugh, they'll grow out of it once they turn sixteen.

3- Glad you taught your kids to love their grandma regardless of what she might leave them. Still, you sound materialistic and despicable.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#3 Nov 1, 2013
1 & 2 Fake letters of teen angst! And frankly, not worth a friday or weekend debate.

3 Yes, just explain that grandma is crazy as a loon, and you have a plan to off everybody else in the family anyway, so they are the sole heirs.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#4 Nov 1, 2013
L3: oh please. She knows what she is doing. She is a vindictive, controlling bitch.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#5 Nov 1, 2013
L1. And if that isn't bad enough, I understand that some people are now having themselves branded like livestock.

If that isn't an attention grabber, I don't know what is.
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

#6 Nov 1, 2013
Ah. Teeneagers (1 and 2) and rich dysfunctional families (3)

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#7 Nov 1, 2013
L1: Do NOT go to the school counsellor. Bring it up to your friend and encourage your friend to talk to her parents. If she doesn't within a certain amount of time, tell your parents so they can talk to her parents.

L2: Give it some time. After awhile they'll be used to being just friends and they'll both be dating other people.

L3: I have a problem with the LW pointing directly to grandma. I never expected anything from any relative's Will b/c I was taught and took in the fact it is their money to do with as they please. Never even occurred to me to think money was coming my way. And there was a few relatives with some money. Thankfully, Wills and such have never been an issue in my family.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Nov 1, 2013
LW1: I agree with Toj: do NOT talk to the school about this. Talk to her and tell her you're worried about her. Go from there.

LW2: They'll get over it.

LW3: What a lovely woman!
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#9 Nov 1, 2013
Toj wrote:
L1: Do NOT go to the school counsellor. Bring it up to your friend and encourage your friend to talk to her parents. If she doesn't within a certain amount of time, tell your parents so they can talk to her parents.

L3: I have a problem with the LW pointing directly to grandma. I never expected anything from any relative's Will b/c I was taught and took in the fact it is their money to do with as they please. Never even occurred to me to think money was coming my way. And there was a few relatives with some money. Thankfully, Wills and such have never been an issue in my family.
1: I can understand your not wanting her to tell a school counselor. Some of them are worthless and don't really want to help the kids. They think their entire job is to guide kids into the right classes so they will have enough credits to graduate. Regarding college stuff, they just hand out brochures and let the kids deal with it on their own. But some are really good, caring folks who are really interested in helping the kids. So perhaps this lw should decide in which category her school counselor falls and go from there. I think the spaghetti on the wall approach is not a bad idea. Tell the counselor, tell your parents if they know your friend's parents, tell a caring teacher. The more caring adults who are told, the more likely someone will get this girl help. And why not simply tell the friend's parents? Just because the girl has problems, it does not mean the parents are at fault; they could simply be clueless and need only a heads up to make them act for the child's interests.

3: I think the lw mentioned her mom simply because the mom herself always brings up the subject. I bet she often says she will cut someone out of her will if they don't do as she likes. It's her way of feeling she still has some power in the family and is not simply a nonentity everyone ignores. That does happen in some families. The kids grow up, start their own families, and grandma/grandpa becomes more of an obligation than a welcome family member. No one pays attention to (as in listens to the advice of) the old folks. So I think some older people feel the only way to have any influence at all is to remind everyone that they have the wealth to pass on and they change their wills at a whim. I'm sure this does not apply to all old folks but certainly can see why it would apply to some. This isn't fair; it's simply how it is in some families.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Nov 1, 2013
Pippa wrote:
<quoted text>
1: I can understand your not wanting her to tell a school counselor. Some of them are worthless and don't really want to help the kids. They think their entire job is to guide kids into the right classes so they will have enough credits to graduate. Regarding college stuff, they just hand out brochures and let the kids deal with it on their own. But some are really good, caring folks who are really interested in helping the kids. So perhaps this lw should decide in which category her school counselor falls and go from there. I think the spaghetti on the wall approach is not a bad idea. Tell the counselor, tell your parents if they know your friend's parents, tell a caring teacher. The more caring adults who are told, the more likely someone will get this girl help. And why not simply tell the friend's parents? Just because the girl has problems, it does not mean the parents are at fault; they could simply be clueless and need only a heads up to make them act for the child's interests.
Perhaps. I've never experience a school counsellor that wasn't totally connected to the school and their policies and one who was any good at counselling. I'm sure they're out there. I'd want to keep that separate from the school as this girl has enough on her mind without having additional school issues and being watched. Cutting is an OCD behavior, easily treatable, as a good psychologist has told me when I had a concern over one of my son's friends once years ago.(The girl did quit cutting after a couple of weeks of therapy, athough she also had continued therapy on the issues that probably caused her to start cutting in the first place. She learned how to cope differently with her emotions and rather quickly.)

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#11 Nov 1, 2013
Toj wrote:
L3: I have a problem with the LW pointing directly to grandma. I never expected anything from any relative's Will b/c I was taught and took in the fact it is their money to do with as they please. Never even occurred to me to think money was coming my way. And there was a few relatives with some money. Thankfully, Wills and such have never been an issue in my family.
This
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#12 Nov 1, 2013
Team Toj x3.

LW3: Nobody in my family had any assets of note to leave, so when my grandparents passed, my aunts and uncles fought over who would take possession of the family album.
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

#13 Nov 1, 2013
Let's find out how much granny is worth. if it were a lot then she can adopt me and I call her everyday and not having more kids but will have them name their kids whatever she wants.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#14 Nov 1, 2013
My mom is worth several million. I was looking forward to a VERY nice retirement thanks to that inheritance.

Now my bro gets it all! Ha!,

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#15 Nov 1, 2013
BUT, thanks to my parents' frugal living and smart investing, my mom is able to support me now and send me on trips with the time I have left.

That is a priceless gift,

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#16 Nov 1, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
BUT, thanks to my parents' frugal living and smart investing, my mom is able to support me now and send me on trips with the time I have left.
That is a priceless gift,
Which is a wonderful thing but really sucks at the same time.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#17 Nov 1, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
BUT, thanks to my parents' frugal living and smart investing, my mom is able to support me now and send me on trips with the time I have left.
That is a priceless gift,
Like Toj says, it sux, but I am betting it sure makes a difference and at least eases your mind a bit!

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#18 Nov 1, 2013
Let me know when your down this way!
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
BUT, thanks to my parents' frugal living and smart investing, my mom is able to support me now and send me on trips with the time I have left.
That is a priceless gift,

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#19 Nov 1, 2013
You aint out of the playoffs yet!
I believe!
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
My mom is worth several million. I was looking forward to a VERY nice retirement thanks to that inheritance.
Now my bro gets it all! Ha!,

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#20 Nov 1, 2013
She is SO glad she can help. so many parents would be willing, but not able. Others would be able, but not willing.

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