Dear Abby 7-17

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Jul 17, 2014
DEAR ABBY: On July 26, 2011, you posted an answer to "Jittery Future Bride in Boston." I am that woman. I had asked you how to get my boyfriend of five years to use my deceased grandmother's ring as an engagement ring.

I followed your advice and told my boyfriend-at-the-time that I wanted to use a family ring. I spoke with my father about it and checked with my sister to see if she would mind if I used it.

We got engaged seven months ago, and my now-husband told me he had been hoping to take the stone from my paternal grandmother's ring, a stone from my maternal grandmother's ring and one from his family to make a new "joining of the families" ring. We haven't made it yet, but we all look forward to the special meaning that it will embody. We even plan to make a new setting out of the old setting. It's a fairy-tale ending.-- BLUSHING BRIDE IN BOSTON

DEAR BLUSHING BRIDE: Actually, it's more like a fairy-tale beginning. I love the idea. Thank you for letting me know how things turned out. Not many of my readers take the time to do that. I wish you and your husband a lifetime of happiness together.

DEAR ABBY: The mother of a friend of mine died recently. I offered my condolences, and since then I haven't been the same.

I am nine months pregnant, and even though I should be excited and celebrating the anticipated arrival of our baby, all I can think about is that my mother is going to die one day. She's 52, healthy and happy, but I can't get it out of my mind. I have become a different person, crying at the most trivial things and often panicking that Mom's OK. I don't think I could make it through if anything happened to her.

Dwelling on this is affecting my relationship with my husband and my friends. How do I stop obsessing over this?-- ANXIOUS IN ALBUQUERQUE

DEAR ANXIOUS: A discussion with your OB/GYN would be helpful. By the last months of pregnancy, a woman's body is swimming in hormones. Those increased hormone levels have been known to have a profound effect on a woman's emotions.

The solution to your problem may be as simple as understanding that once your baby arrives and your hormones return to normal, you will be back on a more even keel. If that doesn't happen, you may have to talk with a mental health professional -- although I doubt that will be necessary. In the meantime, your mother is healthy, happy and about to be a grandmother, so dwell on the positive.

Day Brightener

DEAR READERS: A thought for the day: The best exercise in the world is to bend down and help someone up.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Jul 17, 2014
L1 Check back with us in 3 years and tell us how you split up the furnture, friends and the ring
Cass

Rancho Cucamonga, CA

#3 Jul 17, 2014
LW1 - I am confused by this letter. The original appeared 3 years ago. That means that 3 years ago, LW was talking and thinking about rings - more than 2 years before she and fiancÚ got engaged. Isn't it weird? I mean, if you know you want to get engaged, it shouldn't take you nearly 3 years to do so, right?

LW2 - Peripartum depression is a common phenomenon. Talk to your OBGYN right away. The hormones don't return to normal *once* the baby is born. It takes time, and postpartum depression may set in. It's actually more common than pre-partum.

Pre- and postpartum, hormones wreck havoc on your mental state. Personally, I remember that although I was fine before giving birth to either of my kids, I got extremely weepy for a few months afterwards. I'd break down in tears reading Kevin Henkes's "A Good Day" to them because a baby fox couldn't find his mother. Ridiculous, I know, but I couldn't control it. I wasn't depressed, though. I was functioning just fine and feeling happy otherwise.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#4 Jul 17, 2014
L1: Good points, Cass. That is very weird.

L2: I'd talk to the OB-GYN right away, too. 52 is not old (I'm older than that so just agree) and your mother probably would be disappointed to hear that you don't feel she prepared you enough in life to live a good, happy life after she is gone.
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#5 Jul 17, 2014
Team TOJ on LW1 & 2

I like that day brightener.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#6 Jul 17, 2014
Cass wrote:
LW1 - I am confused by this letter. The original appeared 3 years ago. That means that 3 years ago, LW was talking and thinking about rings - more than 2 years before she and fiancÚ got engaged. Isn't it weird? I mean, if you know you want to get engaged, it shouldn't take you nearly 3 years to do so, right?
LW2 - Peripartum depression is a common phenomenon. Talk to your OBGYN right away. The hormones don't return to normal *once* the baby is born. It takes time, and postpartum depression may set in. It's actually more common than pre-partum.
Pre- and postpartum, hormones wreck havoc on your mental state. Personally, I remember that although I was fine before giving birth to either of my kids, I got extremely weepy for a few months afterwards. I'd break down in tears reading Kevin Henkes's "A Good Day" to them because a baby fox couldn't find his mother. Ridiculous, I know, but I couldn't control it. I wasn't depressed, though. I was functioning just fine and feeling happy otherwise.
lw1: i looked up the letter. They had been dating for 5 years at that point. So 7 years dating before getting engaged
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#7 Jul 18, 2014
Cass wrote:
LW1 - I am confused by this letter. The original appeared 3 years ago. That means that 3 years ago, LW was talking and thinking about rings - more than 2 years before she and fiancÚ got engaged. Isn't it weird? I mean, if you know you want to get engaged, it shouldn't take you nearly 3 years to do so, right?
LW2 - Peripartum depression is a common phenomenon. Talk to your OBGYN right away. The hormones don't return to normal *once* the baby is born. It takes time, and postpartum depression may set in. It's actually more common than pre-partum.
Pre- and postpartum, hormones wreck havoc on your mental state. Personally, I remember that although I was fine before giving birth to either of my kids, I got extremely weepy for a few months afterwards. I'd break down in tears reading Kevin Henkes's "A Good Day" to them because a baby fox couldn't find his mother. Ridiculous, I know, but I couldn't control it. I wasn't depressed, though. I was functioning just fine and feeling happy otherwise.
1: I agree.

2: I experienced severe suicidal depression during the last trimester of each of my four pregnancies. Granted, from early in each pregnancy, I was very emotional and would cry over the weirdest (and often silly) things that would normally never bother me but that was small beans compared to the severe emotions I felt in the last trimester. It was the babies themselves that prevented me from actually following through on my suicidal leanings. I wanted those babies and did not want them to get hurt and I never found a way to do myself in without hurting them. I guess I felt I'd do the deed once they were separated from my body. But in my case, each and every time, I felt ecstatically happy at the moment of birth. It was like a switch that had been flipped. One minute I'm miserable then flip the switch (give birth) and I was on top of the world. But in my situation, it wasn't any one thing that set me off. However, I did not have a particular problem or reason as the focus of my depression as the lw has. She might very well react as I did with the depression leaving as soon as the baby is born or the focus/reason for her depression may stay with her. It could be that her depression has nothing or little to do with her pregnancy hormones at all but simply the realization that she won't always have her mom in her life. The pregnancy may be exaggerating those feelings but they might have occurred anyway even if she weren't pregnant. Having given it a bit more thought, I think it might be a good idea to talk to her oby/gyn and ask for a referral to a therapist. It may make her pregnancy more enjoyable to have someone to talk to and help her with this particular problem. Remembering how I felt, I think having a sympathetic but professional ear might have helped me. I don't think the lw should wait until after her baby is born if she's having really strong feelings that lessen the joy she might otherwise have waiting for her baby to be born.

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