Ask Amy 3-10-10

[Jess in NJ]

DEAR AMY: I try hard to not give advice unless I am asked to do so, but after my granddaughter became engaged, she wrote me the following letter:

"He is far from perfect, but I can endure all of his bad habits, as he endures mine, except for his chain-smoking. He has promised he will quit after we are married, but I have my doubts.

You lived with granddad all those years and he smoked; was it really so bad?"

This is what I wrote back:

"No, my darling, it wasn't so bad. That is, if you don't mind that the whole interior of your home gets covered with a brownish yellow goo. I struggled for years to scrub it off, but I finally just gave up.

"If you don't mind that your hair, skin and lungs get polluted and stink from his secondhand smoke.

"If you get used to being alone at social events because he is outside smoking.

"If you give up on traveling because he gets grouchy when he can't smoke on the plane. And anyway, with the huge amount he spends on cigarettes, there's no money left over for travel or much of anything else.

"Finally, if you are willing to watch him die a slow and painful death, hooked up to oxygen and gasping for every precious breath, then no, it isn't that bad."

Because of my letter, she postponed the wedding until after he quit smoking. He in turn, chose his cigarettes over this beautiful young woman and booked.

Now her mother (my daughter-in-law) won't speak to me.

Was I wrong to tell the truth when asked?-- Smoker's Widow

DEAR WIDOW: I have a note posted on my computer: "Unsolicited advice is always self-serving."

Your advice was solicited. You were not wrong to tell the truth about your life.

Your granddaughter asked you a specific question and you answered it -- eloquently, I believe.

Your daughter-in-law may have a separate gripe with you, but it's hard to imagine that she would really want her daughter to marry someone who would choose his Winstons over his wife.

The most you can do now is to offer your daughter-in-law the opportunity to explain herself and, in the spirit of reconciliation, listen to her point of view and apologize if an apology is called for.

DEAR AMY: I can't figure out how to handle food allergies when I'm a guest. Recently, an older friend who is a classic cook invited me for lunch. I didn't say anything to her ahead of time because I didn't know what to say and didn't want to sound unbearably picky.

Every one of the intricately prepared courses had items that I couldn't digest, so I picked at them.

I cannot digest milk products and am allergic to the mold in cheese. I have had this problem for about 25 years. If I eat cheese, I am sick for several days.

What's the solution to this situation? Of course, I wrote my friend a kind thank-you note afterward, never mentioning my problems.-- Miserable in North Carolina

DEAR MISERABLE: Put yourself in your friend's place. If you were preparing a special meal, wouldn't you want to make sure to offer your guest food that he or she could actually digest?

Hosts often will ask in advance if there are dietary issues, but if your host doesn't ask, you can say, "I'm sorry, but I have a hard time digesting milk products -- I can pick around anything you serve, but I thought I would let you know."

Then you express your gratitude for the invitation and your enthusiasm for the event, and let the cheese stand alone.

[Jess in NJ]

Continued

DEAR AMY: In response to the woman who put up with almost 41 years of abuse from her toxic husband:

Get out now! It will never get better, but will only demoralize you.

Get out now so you can enjoy your grandchildren without constant criticism.

Get out now so your children will regain some respect for you and honor you in your old age.

After being put down, criticized and sneered at for 24 years, I kicked out my college professor husband when I found out he had been having affairs. This after I had taken care of his parents for nearly 10 years. Infidelity was the last straw!

After the initial two or three months of fear and anxiety, life began to get better.

I had been a stay-at-home wife (fool that I was). I found a job. After a year, I found a better job.

I am now 71 years old, happily unmarried and enjoying life. I have a good relationship with my daughters and absolutely adore my three grandchildren.

There is life after divorce. There is stability and a sense of contentment that come when you understand that you did what had to be done.-- Suburban Grannie

DEAR GRANNIE: Many survivors of abusive relationships can identify with your story. Thank you.

[Jess in NJ]

Link to Amy
http://www.tmsfeatures.com/columns/advice/ask...

[Lil Roo]

L1: She asked, you were honest. If he really planned to quit then he could have before the wedding. I do have to wonder why people will start a relationship with someone knowing that they have habits like this and expect them to change. Why not just find a nice non smoker? One of the first questions I ask a guy is if he smokes, if he does then i go no further.

L2: Im sure your friend would appreciate honesty, that way she'll know the real reasonyou just picked and that it isn't that you didn't like her cooking

[Really Gloria]

LW1: sure...it was the having to quit smoking that made him leave. Just blame it all on the cigarettes.

[Angela]

L1: Granddaughter had reservations, and you confirmed them for her. And then her fiance proved what a weakling he is. Good for you! DIL should remove the wedding stick from her butt.

(What if granddaughter had promised to "lose the weight after the wedding"? Who would fall for that?)

L2: Your allergy info should have been shared with your friend. WHy can't you speak up?

L3: Yay for you. It's sooooo easy for a woman in her 70s to get a job.

[Angela]

Lil Roo wrote:

L1: She asked, you were honest. If he really planned to quit then he could have before the wedding. I do have to wonder why people will start a relationship with someone knowing that they have habits like this and expect them to change. Why not just find a nice non smoker? One of the first questions I ask a guy is if he smokes, if he does then i go no further.

I made some lame joke to Nick last night about smoking, and he didn't skip a beat: "If you smoked, I wouldn't date you." I have the same attitude. Nothing wrong with smokers, some of my best friends are smokers. ;) I just know that I can't date/live with that habit.

[Mister Tonka]

LW1: Daughter in law is just po'd at the turn of events. May have lost money too. She just wants a scapegoat.

[Lil Roo]

Angela wrote:

<quoted text>
I made some lame joke to Nick last night about smoking, and he didn't skip a beat: "If you smoked, I wouldn't date you." I have the same attitude. Nothing wrong with smokers, some of my best friends are smokers. ;) I just know that I can't date/live with that habit.

and yet I'm fine if they smoke pot. Love that smell...

[TamoraRose]

LW2: You are rude if you do not tell your host in advance of any issue that could potentially put him/her in the position of being a bad host.

[TamoraRose]

Angela wrote:

L3: Yay for you. It's sooooo easy for a woman in her 70s to get a job.

Bwaahaha!!

[Matilda77]

Daughter-in-law should be treating LW1 to a spa day.

Smoking was then #1 deal breaker for me, too. I only briefly dated a smoker once.

[edogxxx]

LW1: Maybe he booked because he didn't want a controlling wife? I mean, even before they're married she's trying to change his habbits. I'll bet his buddies had a hand in talking him out of it. Anyway, your granddaughter asked for your advice and you gave it. You DIL has no real reason to be mad at you unless she thinks now her poor, faulted daughter will never marry off.

LW2: Stop letting other people prepare meals for you if you're not gonna tell them about your allergies.

LW3: Blue boxers!

[Angela]

Lil Roo wrote:

<quoted text>
and yet I'm fine if they smoke pot. Love that smell...

He's fine with that, but not cigarettes. We also share a fondness for the occasional cigar -- when he found that out last night, he had a big grin on his face.

[Angela]

If he was going to leave over smoking, he would have left over *anything*, wouldn't he?

[Mister Tonka]

TamoraRose wrote:

LW2: You are rude if you do not tell your host in advance of any issue that could potentially put him/her in the position of being a bad host.

Rude? That's quite a leap, considering the likely reason LW did not say anything is that he/she did not want to be a burden by giving the host a bunch of restrictions. While it would have been better all around if LW mentioned these things to the host, I'm sure the reason behind it was to try to NOT be rude.

[Cass]

LW1 - Your granddaughter asked. You told her. You did nothing wrong. Your DIL is out of line.

LW1: Daughter in law is just po'd at the turn of events. May have lost money too. She just wants a scapegoat.

Totally agree. Skewed priorities, no matter how much it cost.

LW2 - You didn't want to SOUND picky, so you didn't say in advance that you are lactose-intolerant. Then you proceeded to ACT picky, which was insulting. Ever heard of the phrase, "Actions speak louder than words?" It may be a platitude, but it's true. Next time, just speak up.

LW3-

L3: Yay for you. It's sooooo easy for a woman in her 70s to get a job.

I think she is 71 now, but she was younger - maybe in her 40s or 50s - when she ended up getting that first job that she mentions. She said that she had been married for 24 years and that she now enjoys a good relationship with her daughter and her 3 grandchildren. The latter pretty much excludes the possibility of her having gotten marred in her mid-to-late 40s. She probably got married when she was in her 20s or 30s, and left him when she was in her 40s or 50s. It may not be easy to get a job at that age, but it's a lot easier than at 70.

[loose cannon]

I have to give Amy credit for the cheesy 'Cheese Stands Alone' exclamation.
Wasn't taken from a nursery rhyme?

Hi Ho the Dairy-O, the Farmer in the Dell
The Cheese Stands Alone!

[j_m_w]

Angela wrote:

<quoted text>
I made some lame joke to Nick last night about smoking, and he didn't skip a beat: "If you smoked, I wouldn't date you." I have the same attitude. Nothing wrong with smokers, some of my best friends are smokers. ;) I just know that I can't date/live with that habit.

Ditto.

And I'm someone who will occasionally bum a cigarette from a smoker friend if we're out drinking. But as a full-time habit, I don't want it and I don't want to date it.

[Angela]

j_m_w wrote:

<quoted text>
Ditto.
And I'm someone who will occasionally bum a cigarette from a smoker friend if we're out drinking. But as a full-time habit, I don't want it and I don't want to date it.

I love the smoking ban. I don't have to shower and wash my hair when I come home from teh bar.