“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Nov 18, 2013
DEAR AMY: I live in an apartment close to my college. A girl I go to school with who lives far away asked if she could stay at my house one day a week for a few hours before classes. I happily agreed.

I knew beforehand that she has physical, social and emotional issues, but it has gone too far. She expects breakfast and lunch, which is fine with me, but she shows displeasure when she doesn’t like the food choices. She just opens up the fridge, freezer and cabinets and tells me what she wants.
I usually give her “easy” food like cereal and sandwiches, but one time she just opened up the fridge and asked me to make her sauteed vegetables!(She doesn’t know how to cook, so I can’t ask her to.) She expects so much and doesn’t seem grateful — she doesn’t even put away her dishes when she finishes!

What do I do? She doesn’t realize that she’s asking too much of me. I don’t want to kick her out. Where do I draw the line?-- Feeling Used

DEAR USED: Your classmate’s social issues may include a true inability to read social (and friendship) situations that are second nature to most people. You can choose to cut this off entirely. But if you want to continue, you may have to teach her some basic skills.

Tell her,“I like having you here, but we’re going to have to change our arrangement so it will work better.” Ask her to bring some groceries (or go grocery shopping together). Tell her she needs to ask you before she goes into the fridge or cupboards. And if she wants to eat a specific dish, tell her that if she brings the ingredients you’ll show her how to make it for both of you.

Don’t expect her to be able to read your body language or tone of voice. Ask her simply,“Please take your dishes to the sink and I’ll show you how to wash them.” Navigating this with you could be a huge part of her education, and I give you a ton of credit for being willing to try.

DEAR AMY: My niece (the first of the next generation to marry) has decided to have a very small wedding and is not inviting any aunts, uncles or extended family.

She made a huge deal out of her engagement on Facebook, including posting a video of the proposal. She announced that anything she receives addressed to “Mrs.” will be returned to the sender — she never wants to be referred to as “Mrs.” She then makes a point of having a private, exclusive wedding.

My sister (her mother) is calling this a “planned elopement.” I call it a wedding to which virtually no one is invited.

My sister is planning a reception for the couple, but I am a little hurt about not being invited to the wedding. I am also upset that the bride’s 92-year-old grandmother is also not invited to the wedding.

I will go to the reception to support my sister, but I am not inclined to give the couple a gift. My husband feels insulted and doesn’t want to go. What is the protocol on gift-giving and attendance to a wedding reception like this?-- Turned Off

DEAR TURNED OFF: If this is a wedding-related celebration that you are determined to attend, then it is appropriate to bring a gift. Your niece sounds like a pill; if you are disappointed in her, then you should express this to her (not her mother).

DEAR AMY:“Caring Nana” wrote about her adult children complaining about their spouses and arguing with each other publicly. I used to do this all the time.

One time at a family gathering, I was complaining about my spouse and my aunt piped up and said,“If you want to talk bad about him, divorce him; otherwise, shut up. I’m sick of hearing it.” Sure made me stop and think!-- Lesson Learned

DEAR LL: Your aunt sure didn’t sugarcoat things. But she got the job done.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Nov 18, 2013
1 So, you took in a train wreck an wonder why your life in now a train wreck?

2 Oh, the drama! You dont get to decide the wedding or the reception, so if you dont like it, stay home.

3 Ha!
not a ghost

San Antonio, TX

#3 Nov 18, 2013
LW1 can always direct the sponge to a homeless shelter or other low cost housing spot.

I agree with RACE. LW2 may as well ignore the wedding--and if asked for a present, say "what wedding?" as innocently as LW2 can.

LW3 made me giggle.


“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#4 Nov 18, 2013
L1: You are not responsible for her. Don't make yourself responsible for her. You're not doing her any favors. Set down the rules if she wants to continue this arrangement.

L2: It's her wedding. She does not live on this planet to make all your family dreams and fantasies come true. Just deal.

L3: Okay.

“I looked, and behold,”

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#5 Nov 18, 2013
LW1: Grow a spine. Tell her you aren’t a restaurant, don’t have money to feed her, and think it would be best if she stayed at the library for the few hours, instead of your place.

LW2: Not sure why you care so much about their plans to have a small scale wedding. Still I also wouldn’t give her a gift, mostly due to her snotty attitude about anything she receives addressed to “Mrs.” being returned to sender.

Not sure why your sister is planning a reception, either, when the bride has made it clear she wants it to be a low profile affair. I don’t think you people could be more dense.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#6 Nov 18, 2013
LW1: You buy her food?

I can remember back in college when I was depressed and I had no concept of appropriate behavior. I'm sure I pissed all kinds of people off because I took all kinds of things for granted. Set some limits with this person like she brings her own food and washes whatever dishes she uses. And if she keeps taking you for granted, kick her butt to the curb.

LW2: Wedding stuff, really don't care.

LW3: Yup.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Nov 18, 2013
L1 I wonder how someone wit so few coping and household skills made it to college or is able to navigate the commute. If she is functioning at a highenough level to take teh bus or drive, then Amy's siggestions are condescending- at least about teh dishes. the other stuff she may need to be clued in about.
Ask a counselor at school how to conduct yourself if you choose to maintain teh relationship. Her parents probably have way too much baggage to be able to coach you how to handle her as an adult.
L2 The aunt sounds like as much of a pain as the bride. The B&G have opted for a small wedding with immediate family.That is no doubt what they can afford; it avoids the bridesmaid and dress issues and focuses on the marriage not the wedding.
The B&G are not hosting a reception- the bride's mother is doing so.
If the LW's notion is that she sends a gift as payment for seeing a spectacle,it is the LW who is an a*s.
You send a wedding gift to help a new couple get started in life and to wish them well. It is expected if you attend a party and nice even if you don't.
We had a small wedding. My grandmothers were in Florida and chose not to fly to Chicago for it. I have no idea if they were offended we didn't wait until they came north for the summer.
Some of my friends and neighbors came to the ceremony anyway, just to wish us well.
L3. Yeah, we should all listen to ourselves occasionally.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#8 Nov 18, 2013
Ha! Buy her something you want for yourself and address it to Mrs.
Sublime1 wrote:
Still I also wouldn’t give her a gift, mostly due to her snotty attitude about anything she receives addressed to “Mrs.” being returned to sender.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#9 Nov 18, 2013
Team Sublime with a side of squishy and a dash of RACE!
Blunt Advice

Jersey City, NJ

#10 Nov 18, 2013
1. Grow a spine and tell the bee och off.
2. If other aunts uncles and grandparents aren't invited then you aren't being singaled out. If they want a small wedding, elopement, destination wedding. Or whatever that's up to them.

Marina, CA

#11 Nov 18, 2013
LW1: Let's review. You allow a classmate with known issues to stay @ your house once per week. You are OK with her expecting breakfast and lunch, but not OK that she doesn't always like your food choices, goes through your fridge, asks you to prepare stuff, doesn't put her dishes away, and seems unappreciative. What you need to do is to sit her down and calmly and unemotionally explain to her what your expectations/rules are. "I don't mind serving you breakfast and lunch as long as you eat what I prepare. If you want something special, bring it with you."

LW2: People have all kinds of weddings. Go or don't go, but don't look for reasons to be offended.

LW3: Yup. There's a five dollar fine for whining.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#12 Nov 18, 2013
LW1 - Why do you even want this person around? Just say, "Sorry, this isn't working out. You can hang out somewhere else but not here."

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