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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Jan 8, 2014
DEAR ABBY: When my daughter was 20, she met a guy who one minute showered her with roses and the next would beat her up. She stayed with him thinking she could change him, and became pregnant. On her 21st birthday, she tried to get away from him. He chased her up the road and went to punch her in the stomach. When she turned to avoid the blow, it landed, hitting the baby in the head and killed the child.

Abby, once a beater, always a beater. I hope all women in abusive relationships will see this letter. My daughter is fine now, married and expecting. I pray for the women and girls out there who are going through what she once had to.-- PENNSYLVANIA MOM

DEAR PENNSYLVANIA MOM: I'm glad you wrote, because your letter reminds me that it has been some time since I printed the warning signs of an abuser. Here they are:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: If you are late, interrogates you intensively about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to isolate you from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry" instead of "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustice of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper) or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partners will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID GENDER ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck" or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#2 Jan 8, 2014
Oh, poo. Everybody does this. And if you disagree I'll knock your block off!

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Jan 8, 2014
Many a users are far more subtle and slow- acting than that. They take their time to groom, suck you in.

My drunken ex shoved me to the floor once. Once. Then blamed me for it.

That is the night I decided to file for,divorce
Cass

Claremont, CA

#4 Jan 8, 2014
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Many a users are far more subtle and slow- acting than that. They take their time to groom, suck you in.
My drunken ex shoved me to the floor once. Once. Then blamed me for it.
That is the night I decided to file for,divorce
Word - on grooming and sucking victims in. It often doesn't start out being physical abuse. Good for you on getting out at the first instance of physical force!
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#5 Jan 8, 2014
16. Doesn't persue strong willed women. If he dates one and once realizes she will not ever ever tolerate his crap, dumps her in cowardly way.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#6 Jan 8, 2014
Well, that makes no sense. Your saying that a woman needs to examine herself and weight her own assertiveness? If she is weak willed, does that mean her partner is an abuser? If she is strong willed, it means her partner is not an abuser?

Seems awful blanketed.
Blunt Advice wrote:
16. Doesn't persue strong willed women. If he dates one and once realizes she will not ever ever tolerate his crap, dumps her in cowardly way.
tiredofit

Los Angeles, CA

#7 Jan 8, 2014
RACE wrote:
Well, that makes no sense. Your saying that a woman needs to examine herself and weight her own assertiveness? If she is weak willed, does that mean her partner is an abuser? If she is strong willed, it means her partner is not an abuser?
Seems awful blanketed.
<quoted text>
Stop confusing me or I'll knock your block off.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Jan 8, 2014
I've been away too long; I can't think of anything, not even anything snarky.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Jan 8, 2014
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Many a users are far more subtle and slow- acting than that. They take their time to groom, suck you in.
My drunken ex shoved me to the floor once. Once. Then blamed me for it.
That is the night I decided to file for,divorce
I agree that many are more subtle before they turn on the abusive stuff.

That's horrible what your ex did and I'm glad you got out.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#10 Jan 8, 2014
This is a great list. And it fits my abusive ex to a tee.
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#11 Jan 8, 2014
RACE wrote:
Well, that makes no sense. Your saying that a woman needs to examine herself and weight her own assertiveness? If she is weak willed, does that mean her partner is an abuser? If she is strong willed, it means her partner is not an abuser?
Seems awful blanketed.
<quoted text>
No, there are many types of relationships in the world and most are not abusive. An abuser is a bully and won't pursue someone who he won't be able to victimize. They look for those that they can.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#12 Jan 8, 2014
RACE wrote:
Well, that makes no sense. Your saying that a woman needs to examine herself and weight her own assertiveness? If she is weak willed, does that mean her partner is an abuser? If she is strong willed, it means her partner is not an abuser?
Seems awful blanketed.
<quoted text>
No, it's a very accurate statement.

Joe meets Jenny at a party, offers to go get her a beer. Jenny declines, already had one beer, plans to drive home, wants to be sober. Joe presses. "Come on, you're not leaving any time soon, right?" Jenny refuses, "No it's okay, I have to work early in the morning anyway." Joe eventually returns with the unwanted beer. Jenny doesn't want to appear rude/bitchy, so she takes it. Joe just learned that if he pushes just ENOUGH, he'll get his wayon this one small thing, so he'll likely have success on another bigger issue.

Fascinating stuff. Covered really well in "Gift of Fear."

If she'd refused the beer and said "I SAID no, now please, just leave me alone," Joe would write her off as a cold bitch and move on to another woman to prey on.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#13 Jan 8, 2014
Sure, if Joe is an abuser, saying such things could escalate is probably true, but what if he's not an abuser? What if he is a self centered, take charge kinda guy with an edge? So Jenny is not into power struggles, and decides that having another beer is not going to impair her ability to drive, and Joe really is kinda cute.

My buddy is totally that way, and he even does that kinda stuff with me, and it drives me nuts! He is not an abuser, and his wife is not the type to argue with him over petty crap, but neither is she abused. He just likes being in charge, running the show. Got it from his father, But my buddy is just bravado,conceit,and arrogance rolled together.

Not all pushy guys are abusers, some are just jerks.
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
No, it's a very accurate statement.
Joe meets Jenny at a party, offers to go get her a beer. Jenny declines, already had one beer, plans to drive home, wants to be sober. Joe presses. "Come on, you're not leaving any time soon, right?" Jenny refuses, "No it's okay, I have to work early in the morning anyway." Joe eventually returns with the unwanted beer. Jenny doesn't want to appear rude/bitchy, so she takes it. Joe just learned that if he pushes just ENOUGH, he'll get his wayon this one small thing, so he'll likely have success on another bigger issue.
Fascinating stuff. Covered really well in "Gift of Fear."
If she'd refused the beer and said "I SAID no, now please, just leave me alone," Joe would write her off as a cold bitch and move on to another woman to prey on.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#14 Jan 8, 2014
RACE wrote:
Sure, if Joe is an abuser, saying such things could escalate is probably true, but what if he's not an abuser? What if he is a self centered, take charge kinda guy with an edge? So Jenny is not into power struggles, and decides that having another beer is not going to impair her ability to drive, and Joe really is kinda cute.
My buddy is totally that way, and he even does that kinda stuff with me, and it drives me nuts! He is not an abuser, and his wife is not the type to argue with him over petty crap, but neither is she abused. He just likes being in charge, running the show. Got it from his father, But my buddy is just bravado,conceit,and arrogance rolled together.
Not all pushy guys are abusers, some are just jerks.
<quoted text>
You're absolutely right. It's just one of many potential warning signs.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#15 Jan 8, 2014
Forgot my phone at home today. How does THAT happen??

Number 10, really? What if the woman is into that? Does it still make the man an abuser? What if it's her idea?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#16 Jan 8, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
Forgot my phone at home today. How does THAT happen??
Number 10, really? What if the woman is into that? Does it still make the man an abuser? What if it's her idea?
Fair point. However, I think it's an area best approached cautiously, or explored in a more verbal manner before going the physical route. Baby steps lest you cross some boundary unknowingly and trigger PTSD or something.,

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#17 Jan 8, 2014
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
Fair point. However, I think it's an area best approached cautiously, or explored in a more verbal manner before going the physical route.
I whole-heartedly agree, I just took issue with the idea a man who's into that is automatically labeled an abuser.-(And no, DISCLAIMER: that's not really my thing. I may have dabbled around with that a little but, TMI right?)- Just, different strokes for different folks. That's why some people are doms or subs in the bedroom but perfectly normal in every other way. I just think that was a poor warning sign. If it manifests in other ways, like also holding you down at the kitchen table until you finish the cold leftovers, then yeah, but by itself? No. Unless it's without your consent, expressed or otherwise, then yeah, again.

Anyway, enough with the dirty sex rant. I was just aroused and annoyed at the same time...

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#18 Jan 9, 2014
I guess the motto here is if your partner exhibits many of these signs, not just any one (except hurting animals, run when you see that).
Blunt Advice

Saddle River, NJ

#19 Jan 9, 2014
Anyone who is cruel to animals needs to be immediately tortured

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#20 Jan 9, 2014
Blunt Advice wrote:
Anyone who is cruel to animals needs to be immediately tortured
does that include cruelty to edogs?

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