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1 - 18 of 18 Comments Last updated Oct 29, 2013

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#1
Oct 28, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: Our child, a 26-year-old son, lives at home. He works part time and can afford gas, car insurance and outings with his friends. We pay for all of his living expenses.

He sleeps until 11 a.m., when I knock on his door to wake him. He claims to have issues sleeping at night and says he can’t get going in the morning, but his dad and I feel he will ruin his life if he does not start getting up and living during the daytime.
He is pleasant but will only do chores he likes. If he got a full-time job, or worked two or even three part-time jobs to become independent enough to pay a fair share (or even better for his sake, be able to move out), we would feel easier about his ability to exist without us taking care of him.

How can I make him hear me? He tries to walk away when we discuss anything serious. He says he can’t deal with it, and the subject depresses him.

He got a college degree at the time they became useless and now plans to get a two-year degree or certificate that will get him a career, but we think he has to push himself to change habits so he can sleep at night; he stays up late online and talking with his friends. Can you add your voice to ours?-- Upset Mom

DEAR MOM: Well, I’m shouting pretty loudly on my end, but not at your son. My voice is directed toward his parents. You refer to and treat your son as a “child.” He is 26 years old.

I suggest that you and your husband wake up and finally treat your son like the adult he is. You owe him an apology: You did not help to prepare him for life when he was younger and now he needs his mommy to knock on his door at 11 a.m. to roust him out of bed.

He needs a plan — but you should not provide this for him. All you need to do is give him a timetable for moving out or actual consequences for staying home. Tell him,“You’re a grown man. You have two months to move out. We will give you the car but not pay any other expenses. You can make it.”

If you can’t bear to part with him, present a non-negotiable of working 40 hours a week (he can do this with part-time jobs) while living at home. Non-negotiables only work when attached to consequences.

Cheer him on from the sidelines. He may flounder. But he will have to figure things out. And he will.

DEAR AMY: I’m a male senior citizen. Recently a hypothetical question was raised among three family members, from their mid-20s to my age: If we went to Las Vegas with our sister’s fiance and this fiance had sex with strange women, would we tell our sister when we got back home?

I was the only one who said I would tell my sister what her fiance was capable of doing behind her back. The other three said that “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.” Really? This is the new morality?

They all said I’m out of touch and too old-fashioned. I thought I’d get your opinion.-- Old-Fashioned

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: I wish I’d come up with that Vegas slogan. It has become the official catchphrase for subterfuge.

I assure you, as the only person capable of being the hypothetical “sister” in your control group, I would want to know about this. Putting aside the (significant) risk of contracting an STD (which is reason enough to tell), I believe that sibling-code trumps bro-code.

DEAR AMY:“Hopeless in the Suburbs” reported that he has a sex addiction. He also said he is a Christian and a churchgoer.

One place he could turn for help is his pastor. It can be hard to admit an addiction, but many pastors have training and compassion -- and healing may start within his faith practice.-- Concerned

DEAR CONCERNED: Thank you for your advice. I hope “Hopeless in the Suburbs” seeks help.
Cass

Claremont, CA

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#2
Oct 28, 2013
 
LW1 - You know, I sometimes wonder at the advice of "make him do X." It's clearly the right advice, but HOW do you make another adult do anything? Say, the son doesn't get 40 hours of work in the next two months and refuses to move out on the day specified. Say, he just lies on his bed and refuses to get up for anything but the bathroom and a trip to the fridge. Do you physically carry him out of the house and put him on the lawn? Do you change the locks while he is out of the house - IF he gets out of the ho use? Do you call the police to remove him forcibly?

I am not being flippant here. I think the advice to give the son a move-out deadline and then stick by it is sensible and right. But what does one do if the son just physically will not move out?

LW2 - It's not the *new* morality. It has always been there for @zzholes. When you were 20, you would still probably tell your sister, and there were people who would let their sister marry a philandering jerk and contract syphilis. Nothing new under the sun.

LW3 - What about a professional therapist? Y'know, somebody who specializes in this stuff, and not in theology, with some therapy on the side?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Oct 28, 2013
 
1 Will you be my mommy?

2 I dont believe a brother would stay silent and let his sister marry a guy he knew was going to screw around on her. But maybe thats just me.

3 Being addicted to sex is NOT an addiction! It's a blessing.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#4
Oct 28, 2013
 
L1: I wonder about how to enforce the move out date also, if he doesn't leave. No more meals, clean clothes? All of which he can get outside the home. I'd say pack his stuff, leave it outside and change the locks and hope he doesn't go crazy and break windows. MIght have to give him official notice to evict and then do those things. Tough love stuff.
LW2: I tend to agree with Cass that there were always different views about this. Happened to me, I told a friend not to marry this guy,(we were older) because he smelled of scam artist to me and the rest of her family didn't. Turns out I was totally right, she lost all of her money in one of his schemes.
However, morals are changing, not for the better, but that's another letter.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

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#5
Oct 28, 2013
 
L1: I'm with Cass and dahgts. While it is advice you'd give someone with a 16 year old, this is a man. Legally, you can't kick him out without notice in many states. I guess I would sit down and set the rules and give him 1 week to see a difference. Then I'd write up a Notice of Eviction and tell him after the 30 days if he hasn't shaped up (and way before the 30 days is over) you will proceed with the courts and have the sheriff remove him. Then do it.

L2 & L3: Agree with Cass.

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

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#6
Oct 28, 2013
 
RACE wrote:
3 Being addicted to sex is NOT an addiction! It's a blessing.
A blessing? You'd spend so much time pursuing your addiction activity that you'd have no time for Topix. We'd miss you.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#7
Oct 28, 2013
 
(blush!)
dahgts wrote:
<quoted text>
A blessing? You'd spend so much time pursuing your addiction activity that you'd have no time for Topix. We'd miss you.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

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#8
Oct 28, 2013
 

Judged:

1

dahgts wrote:
<quoted text>
A blessing? You'd spend so much time pursuing your addiction activity that you'd have no time for Topix. We'd miss you.
he wouldn't miss us
Timmy

United States

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#9
Oct 28, 2013
 
Cattle prod
Cass wrote:
LW1 - I am not being flippant here. I think the advice to give the son a move-out deadline and then stick by it is sensible and right. But what does one do if the son just physically will not move out?

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

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#10
Oct 28, 2013
 
LW1: I agree with Amy. But they probabyl will have to get a legal eviction notice. And college degrees aren't useless. Just CERTAIN ones are. Wonder what his major was... Lousy parents.

LW2: Some people are just jerks with no morals. I would totally tell.

LW3: Sex addiction isn't real; in my opinion, it's an excuse. There have also been multiple studies of the brain and its reaction to stimuli (or lack thereof as it relates to what an addict's normal reaction to addictive stimuli would be) regarding this but I am too lazy to look them up.
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

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#11
Oct 28, 2013
 
1. He got a college degree when they became useless? What did he major in basket weaving. He needs to get his lazy butt to an employment agency or 10. Stop enabling him.
2. They aren't family but this is your sister. Tell her before she marries and brings this slimes offspring into the world.
3. Amy please fix him up the the lady who can't get it from her husband. And don't ever post another letter about either of them.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#12
Oct 28, 2013
 
LW1: A college degree is rarely useless. However, it can be difficult to score that first post-college job if you don't have work experience as well. I totally agree with Amy that your son needs a plan. Your job as parents is to start making it more difficult for him to remain at home. Get to work.

LW2: What Stina said. When I was in a non-traditional occupation and travelled a lot for business, I was surprised by the number of men who took the opportunity to cheat the minute that they were away from their wives or girlfriends. One in a three-week training class had a girl that he'd met in a bar in his hotel room one weekend and his wife the next. One tried to hit on me the week before his wife arrived. And another declared to anyone who would listen that he was going to cheat on his girlfriend. And he did. That one worked in my office and I hated the sight of him after that.

LW3: Team Cass with a side of Blunt Advice.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#13
Oct 28, 2013
 

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LW1 - I agree with everyone who says it is difficult to get an adult to do anything. But that doesn't mean that you can't make him very uncomfortable. The reason he is sticking around mooching is because it is very comfortable in their home. I vote for starting at 5:00 am, Mom going in to start cleaning his room or changing the bed or any activity that will make it impossible for him to sleep. Also, suddenly there is no food in the house. (Mom and Dad may have to eat out for awhile). His clothes don't get washed. His bills don't get paid. His communicating with friends late at night gets interrupted in any way you can dream up. Make him so uncomfortable and miserable that he move on his own.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

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#14
Oct 28, 2013
 

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LW1 - It also sounds like they are paying for his internet and cell phone. Those things need to be cancelled. Mom and Dad don't have to discuss anything with the mooch, just stop making him so damned comfortable. I'll bet the regulars around here can think up a hundred things to wake this kid up.
Julie

Chicago, IL

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#15
Oct 28, 2013
 
LW1: Jebus, you are sh*t, stupid parents. Give him a deadline (2 months seems reasonable), then kick his manipulative @$$ OUT.
Of course you won't, you dumb, enabling btch, so enjoy your life when you're not only supporting Junior, who's still living in your basement, but also his girlfriend and their 3 kids too.
But I suspect that's really what you want.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

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#16
Oct 28, 2013
 
1: Idiots. If they can't bear to part with him...?
Vut the friggin cord!

2: Ugh. Why do these dooshes even get married? I honestly don't get sticking your peep in someone after you made a marriage committment to another. That's big.
I like to think my bro would tell me.
Blunt Advice

Oakland, NJ

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#17
Oct 28, 2013
 
My bad. I answered #2 thinking only the LW was the brother. Some afterthoughs....I know some women, including a family member, who married skirt chasers. And they know darn well and did before they were married. They just choose to look the other way. The best this guy can do is tell his sister and hope she will think twice before getting married. But if she chooses to stick with him, then he has to accept that she just doesn't care.
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

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#18
Oct 29, 2013
 
Blunt Advice wrote:
My bad. I answered #2 thinking only the LW was the brother. Some afterthoughs....I know some women, including a family member, who married skirt chasers. And they know darn well and did before they were married. They just choose to look the other way. The best this guy can do is tell his sister and hope she will think twice before getting married. But if she chooses to stick with him, then he has to accept that she just doesn't care.
My aunt's first husband was a skirt chaser. She was his first wife as well and he went on to marry 7 times with countless girlfriends in between. She had 2 kids with him and was the last to catch on. But when she did, she immediately divorced him. Her second husband is a devoted homebody - totally the opposite!

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