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“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Oct 24, 2013
DEAR AMY: I have not spoken to my brother, who’s now very ill, in a long time.(We text occasionally.) His life has been nothing but chaos ever since I can remember.
Most of his problems are the result of very bad decisions on his part. My mother knows how I feel about all of this yet continues to confide in me about everything my brother is going through.

My mother says she doesn’t have anyone to talk to otherwise. She has friends but doesn’t want to confide in them. This has gone on for years. She says she is tired of hearing about all of my brother’s troubles but continues to listen and then tell me. She becomes very upset and turns into a ball of anxiety. She is 75 and not in good health.

Over time, this has made me as anxiety-ridden as my mother. Was I right to tell her that I cannot listen any longer to my brother’s problems because of how it is affecting me?

I told her that she has a choice about listening to this. I said she should tell my brother that it upsets her and ask him to stop sharing details about his life.-- Opting Out

DEAR OPTING OUT: You’ll have to understand that your mother may feel that the only way she can mother your brother is to give him a sounding board about his troubled life.

Forbidding your mother to talk to you about this is cutting off an important source of potential comfort for her, but if this is the only way you can cope, then you were right to do so.

You have to learn to detach to the point that you accept reality but realize you are powerless to help your brother — and can only help your mother by gently affirming her feelings (“I know this is hard for you; I’m sorry you have to go through this, Mom”) while not getting swept up in the particulars.

DEAR AMY: I recently married my best friend. We have been together as a couple for four years and rarely argued before we got married. Now he says I have changed from the girl he fell in love with. I used to be quiet and shy and would never stick up for myself.

I started my first real job and have extra money, so I sometimes get my nails and hair done. He accused me of trying to “look good” for other men. No matter how many times I tell him that I am not interested in anyone else, he goes through my text messages and phone calls and accuses me of deleting stuff. None of this started until after we got married.

I love him and can’t imagine life without him, but I am worried that he accuses me because he is cheating on me. How should I approach this subject without losing him and starting an argument?-- Lost in Love

DEAR LOST: You married your best friend. But is this how your best friend should treat you?

Given what you say about your husband, I can’t tell you how to handle this without having an argument. Maybe an argument is called for.

You can start by saying,“I love you and want to stay with you. I want to have a peaceful, fulfilling marriage. But I’m not a piece of property. You do not get to go through my cellphone and accuse me of things I haven’t done. If we cannot trust and respect one another, then we won’t have much of a marriage.”

A counselor could help you develop trusting habits and acceptable parameters. If he becomes more controlling, suspicious and jealous, you should not stay.

DEAR AMY:“Wondering (but not Wandering) Wife” is in a sexless marriage. So am I. My husband and I have been through therapy, read self-help books and so forth. But he simply never wants to do it. The time is never right for him. We have not had sex in years and probably never will again. This makes me so sad.-- Not Wandering

DEAR NOT: I have heard from dozens of women in the same boat.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#2 Oct 24, 2013
1 It's funny that you are complaining about your mom not heeding the advise you yourself should be doing. Heal thyself dummy!

2 Welcome to married at 18. Your husband is worried that now that you have your own money you will start buying trashy clothes and hook up with some guy you meet at the food court in the mall your working at. Which you will. Just stay on the pill and dont bring any inbred children into the picture.

3 I am sure you have heard from dozens of men as well, but you dismissed their sexless lives as being their own fault.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#3 Oct 24, 2013
LW2: I was thinking along the same line as RACE. This couple must be very young if she just got her first job and he is suddenly freaking out. <sigh>

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#4 Oct 24, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 It's funny that you are complaining about your mom not heeding the advise you yourself should be doing. Heal thyself dummy!
2 Welcome to married at 18. Your husband is worried that now that you have your own money you will start buying trashy clothes and hook up with some guy you meet at the food court in the mall your working at. Which you will. Just stay on the pill and dont bring any inbred children into the picture.
3 I am sure you have heard from dozens of men as well, but you dismissed their sexless lives as being their own fault.
Are you channeling Edog this morning?

LW1 The real risk is that mom will want a deathbed promise that LW will take care of his brother.That's the jackpot at the end of the rainbow

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#5 Oct 24, 2013
1- How about doing more to actually try to help the situation instead of just trying to ignore it?

2- Talk to a marriage counselor, not Amy.

3- Enough with this rehash, there's a simple solution! Strap a dill doe to his mouth and face-fk him! There!

“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#6 Oct 24, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
1- How about doing more to actually try to help the situation instead of just trying to ignore it?
2- Talk to a marriage counselor, not Amy.
3- Enough with this rehash, there's a simple solution! Strap a dill doe to his mouth and face-fk him! There!
3. do you mean to use a pickle and baby deer? That's weird.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#7 Oct 24, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
3- Enough with this rehash, there's a simple solution! Strap a dill doe to his mouth and face-fk him! There!
This is way more than I want to know about your fantasy life.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Oct 24, 2013
L1: The LW isn't saying the mother is looking to hm for answers, just a sounding board. No, the LW doesn't have to be the sounding board for his mother but if he can't even do that for her, he has more issues than his brother.

L2: Try marriage counselling and, if that doesn't work, divorce than I would get out of the marriage. I know someone who went through this. Once marriage, the husband thought he owned his wife and unfortunately must have been learned earlier in his life (I'm guessing).

L3: I couldn't stay with someone like this. This sounds like no intimacy, not just no intercourse.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Oct 24, 2013
LW1: You seem sympathetic to your mom's plight (after all, you're experiencing the same thing!) so maybe trying acting on that. You know she needs an outlet for the stress, so just sit on the other end of the phone and work a crossword or sudoku while she blathers away about your brother.

Also, just because she tells about this does not mean that you have to care about this. The anxiety you feel is self-made.

LW2: I knew it was bad when she started off with "I recently married my best friend..." Bleck.

Clearly this guy has some issues that going to marriage counseling might help.

LW3: I wish we were in a rehashless marriage with Amy! God, this cr*p is getting old.
Blunt Advice

New York, NY

#10 Oct 24, 2013
1. There's at least one in every family. Get over it.

2. Although he is young and immature (as young people often firmly believe every member of the opposite sex wants to jump their partners bones).... he does display signs of an abuser. Counseling or lawyer quickly.

3. Bury this already. Please.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#11 Oct 24, 2013
dahgts wrote:
<quoted text>
3. do you mean to use a pickle and baby deer? That's weird.
A doe is a female deer. A baby deer is called a fawn.

But either way, I call them dinner!
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#12 Oct 24, 2013
LW1: Team squishymama. And suggest to mom that she tune brother out in the same manner. Otherwise, you could suggest a counselor who could give mom some pointers on how to respond to brother. I have one friend that I had to take the "uh-huh, that's nice. Really?" road with. Mom is probably the only one left who will listen to brother.

LW2: Team Toj. I fear this isn't going any where good. I would hate to be married to anyone this controlling.

LW3: I got nothing. I've never met a man who wasn't interested in sex or couldn't perform. Kudos for not asking if it's OK to cheat.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#13 Oct 24, 2013
1: Honey, you should've said this years ago! Hearing this is acid that eats away at the soul. The beauty of being an adult is that you don't have to allow in negativity if you don't want to.

2: Eeek, this is full of red flags. The fact he hid it until the ceremony just confirms that he's a weasle manipulator, methinks. You can do counseling but I will bet you a pedicure he will refuse to go because HE won't have an issue....escape, sister.

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#14 Oct 24, 2013
L1. Yeah. You know, sometimes I see that homeless man.
I mean, he's someone's family, I always thought he was yours.
I think the local library does a soup kitchen for them once a week. I see them there. And then a church a couple towns over will provide a meal the next night. It keeps them on the move from what I understand.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#15 Oct 24, 2013
RACE wrote:
1 It's funny that you are complaining about your mom not heeding the advise you yourself should be doing. Heal thyself dummy!
He did. Now he's wondering if he mde the right decision.

"Was I right to tell her that I cannot listen any longer to my brother’s problems because of how it is affecting me?"

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#16 Oct 24, 2013
Toj wrote:
L1: The LW isn't saying the mother is looking to hm for answers, just a sounding board. No, the LW doesn't have to be the sounding board for his mother but if he can't even do that for her, he has more issues than his brother.
Men don't wanna hear about other people's problems unless the intent is for them to help find a solution. Listening to someone whine for the sake of whining? Yeah. You can take that on down the road.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Oct 24, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW1: You seem sympathetic to your mom's plight (after all, you're experiencing the same thing!) so maybe trying acting on that. You know she needs an outlet for the stress, so just sit on the other end of the phone and work a crossword or sudoku while she blathers away about your brother.
Also, just because she tells about this does not mean that you have to care about this. The anxiety you feel is self-made.
this. As annoying as it would be to listen to this nonsense, I just can't identify with feeling stress or anxiety over someone else's problems.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#18 Oct 24, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
A doe is a female deer.
Ray is a drop of golden sun

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#19 Oct 24, 2013
loose cannon wrote:
L1. Yeah. You know, sometimes I see that homeless man.
I mean, he's someone's family, I always thought he was yours.
I think the local library does a soup kitchen for them once a week. I see them there. And then a church a couple towns over will provide a meal the next night. It keeps them on the move from what I understand.
You're so very special.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#20 Oct 25, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
Ray is a drop of golden sun
Me is what I call myself

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