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“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Sep 11, 2013
DEAR ABBY: My 13-year-old son, "Wiley," was playing a game on my cellphone. I stupidly forgot to delete a short video of myself engaged in a sex act with my ex-husband, "Cliff." Wiley didn't confront me or mention it, but given his sudden change in behavior, I'm almost certain he saw it.

The next morning I mentioned it and apologized, hoping we could get past the awkwardness, but Wiley wouldn't admit this is what's bothering him. He acted as if he didn't know what I was talking about. Now he's shutting down. He won't talk to me. He's off in his own world as if I'm a stranger, where a few days before we would laugh, share and trust each other.

I divorced Cliff because he and my son didn't get along, but in the last six months we have been secretly having an affair and we ultimately want to get back together when Wiley is 18. My son doesn't approve of him and he's angry about it.

I'm worried and embarrassed that he saw me doing what I was doing in that few seconds of video, and I don't want to scar him or have him think differently of me. Wiley's father has been no help, and I suspect adds fuel to our son's anger during his weekend visitations. I tried therapy for Wiley -- it didn't help. Do you have any suggestions?-- MORTIFIED IN ARIZONA

DEAR MORTIFIED: I'm printing your letter because, once again, it illustrates the danger of putting videos of a sexual nature on cellphones. I can think of few people of any age who don't prefer to think of themselves as products of immaculate conception, and your son is no exception.

Because Cliff and Wiley's relationship was so poor the three of you couldn't coexist under one roof, discovering that you are once more intimately involved with your ex must have been traumatic and threatening to Wiley. It might reassure him to know that your seeing Cliff does not mean you will be living together anytime soon.

In the meantime, I recommend that you talk with a therapist to help you cope with the changed relationship you now have with your son. It's a shame that Wiley's father has used this unfortunate incident for his own selfish purposes. Divorced couples must remember that they have to love their child more than they hate each other.

DEAR ABBY: A year and a half ago, I reconnected with "Paul." We were in grade school together and hadn't seen each other for many years. We have been extremely happy and want to spend our remaining years together.

Because of our ages (we're both seniors) and separate families and incomes, we feel marriage is not what we'd like to do. But we would like to move in together.

Would it be ridiculous for us to do that without being married? Will the world condemn us? Will our children understand or ostracize us? How do we handle questions about why we have chosen not to marry?-- IN LOVE IN LOUISIANA

DEAR IN LOVE: Many older couples do what you are considering because being married would negatively affect their retirement income. If your children like Paul -- and his children like you -- I doubt you will be ostracized. Most adult children want their parents to be happy.

If you're worried about how the community will react to your living arrangement, consider talking to a clergyperson about being "married in the eyes of God." As to questions about why you have chosen not to marry, apart from your family, it is nobody's business and you are not obligated to discuss it.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Sep 11, 2013
L1: What? Your 13yo doesn't have his own $400 phone? WTH is wrong with you?

L2: Old people have been doing what you want to do for a long time now. My mom is well off and at 65, has no interest in giving a husband access to her money. She lives with her boyfriend. It works, it keeps her rmoney safe.

Mazel tov to you for finding love again late in life.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#3 Sep 11, 2013
L1: Oh, and Wiley? Were you watching Road Runner cartoons as you composed the email to Abby?

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#4 Sep 11, 2013
LW1: I donít think itís such a good idea to be involved with a man who doesnít get along with your son Ö he should be your number one priority and ideally you should find a man where you all can do family type activities together.

My son found one of I took of my wife from behind, buck naked and on all fours, on her cell phone, while we were at a Mexican restaurant. It was an interesting dinner, to say the least. My son with autism was going on and on and on and on and on and on and on about mommyís butt Ö in the restaurant. It was kind of not funny, but kind of funny.

Iím glad it wasnít permanently etched into his memory, because he dropped it after that.

LW2: Who cares what the world thinks, you insecure twit.

Since: Dec 07

DuPage County

#5 Sep 11, 2013
1. You are a total idiot and I urge you to breed no more

2. Do what you want and get your ya-ya's out. If someone voices their disapproval tell them to eff off.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#6 Sep 11, 2013
LW1 - Why, why, why do people film themselves having sex and then leave the videos lying around in easily accessible places?(Forehead, meet keyboard).

LW2 - What community do you live in that people would care if two older folks moved in together without getting married? And why, at age 60-something or older, do you care what people around you think about the ways you arrange your personal life?

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Sep 11, 2013
LW1 The letter did not say that cliff was Wiley's dad, just that he was her ex husband.

13 year olds shut down anyway for the duration of adolescence, regaining humanity around 22. However I agree with Abby that in this instance therapy is needed. Even if LW waits until Wiley is 18 ( note that she did not say when he goes to college), if Cliff is back in the picture, Wiley will have effectively lost his home base..
Thats hard to take at any age.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#8 Sep 11, 2013
LW1: I'm having a really hard time getting past Wiley (I keep thinking the LW should just send the kid out to chase some roadrunners and he'll perk right up) but I don't think it's the video that is really bothering him. It's the fact that it proves you're back together with someone he does not like and thought was out of his life for good.

I fear you are going to have to pick your man here, and it better be your kid.

LW2: No one gives a f*ck.

Toj

“Equality”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Sep 11, 2013
L1: This LW is an idiot. To film herself and have it on her phone is incredibly stupid. Second, your son feels betrayed. You drop the guy b/c he doesn't get along with your son and then have this great with your son. Your son finds out you've essentially lied to him and you're shocked that his ticked off? Incredibly stupid.

L2: I think this LW has been trapped in a time warp. No one will care as long as it's a good relationship. Family will probably only care if you're not treated well. THe rest of the world can go to hades.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

#10 Sep 11, 2013
Team Squishy

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#11 Sep 11, 2013
RACE wrote:
Team Squishy
ditto

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#12 Sep 11, 2013
I agree the first LW isn't the brightest bulb. Her son should have been her forst priority. If husband and son didn't get along, did they all try therapy together? Her priorities are screwy. Then to leave that on her phone?! What the....?
Kuuipo

Monterey, CA

#13 Sep 11, 2013
LW1: That was entertaining. Now back to work.

LW2: Team Cass.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#14 Sep 11, 2013
squishymama wrote:
LW1: I'm having a really hard time getting past Wiley (I keep thinking the LW should just send the kid out to chase some roadrunners and he'll perk right up) but I don't think it's the video that is really bothering him. It's the fact that it proves you're back together with someone he does not like and thought was out of his life for good.
.
And doing it in SECRET.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#15 Sep 12, 2013
LW1 can stay in Arizona and give their state a bad name.

LW2 can stay in Louisiana and have the time of her life there with her male room mate. It's an affordable place to live with mild winters.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#16 Sep 12, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: What? Your 13yo doesn't have his own $400 phone? WTH is wrong with you?
Heheh!

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#17 Sep 12, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
L1: What? Your 13yo doesn't have his own $400 phone? WTH is wrong with you?
I know you are being funny, and I agree with you. No damn way I'm spending that kinda coin on a phone for my kid. But just curious. Are you cool with a parent who upgrades his own phone upon renewal of his 2 year contract and gives his old still fully functional smart phone to his kid?

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#18 Sep 12, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>I know you are being funny, and I agree with you. No damn way I'm spending that kinda coin on a phone for my kid. But just curious. Are you cool with a parent who upgrades his own phone upon renewal of his 2 year contract and gives his old still fully functional smart phone to his kid?
I'm cool with that. I don't know that *I* would do it, but I don't know that I wouldn't.

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#19 Sep 13, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
I'm cool with that. I don't know that *I* would do it, but I don't know that I wouldn't.
Yeah.... I'm on the fence on that one. I don't have a very smart phone, btu I can see how a parent would figure it's paid for and not want it to go to waste. Then again, I don't know that a kid should have constant access (often unsupervised) to that much "stuff".

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#20 Sep 13, 2013
Stina2 wrote:
<quoted text>
Yeah.... I'm on the fence on that one. I don't have a very smart phone, btu I can see how a parent would figure it's paid for and not want it to go to waste. Then again, I don't know that a kid should have constant access (often unsupervised) to that much "stuff".
I assume you can install some parental controls on smart phones?

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