“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Mar 10, 2014
DEAR AMY: My boyfriend and I have excellent customer service skills. Our customers appreciate the way we handle things -- and yet we don't know how to communicate with each other.

I try not to be rude when I express opinions, suggestions and advice, and I don't think I am inconsiderate. In my head, for instance, if I tell you that you're overweight, that doesn't mean that I called you fat.

I am a very good writer; yet when I have to tell my guy to pick up after himself, "slob" and "lazy" are my choice words. But if I chose different terms, he'll say, "So you're calling me a slob, right?" and I admit to it. So I can't win.

He has a beautiful smile, but needs to take better care of his teeth. If I suggest that, I am a nag, or I am offensive. If asked for my honest opinion, I give it. That's just me!

We are crazy about each other, but we fight all the time, and I am exhausted, saddened and discouraged.

I don't know if this is a textbook case of needing a counselor or some communication boot camp. I'm taking the first step by writing to you. What's next?-- Communication Challenged

DEAR CHALLENGED: Here's a news flash: When you tell someone he is overweight, he hears "You're fat." Why? Because that's what you're doing. When you tell someone to pick up after himself, he hears you calling him a slob, because this is one of your go-to put-downs.

And saying, "You have a great smile but need to take better care of your teeth," is just an insult wrapped in condescension.

You should apply some of your customer service skills to your relationship.

There is no more powerful way to love someone than to love him just as he is. This goes for him, too. He needs to realize that your bluntness is part of who you are.

Couples counseling will help you to learn to speak (and listen) differently.

For now, try using "I" statements where you normally use "you" statements. Instead of, "You always leave all your clothes on the floor," you say, "It really bothers me to see your stuff on the floor." If he counters by saying, "So, you're calling me a slob?" You say, "No, I'm telling you about something that bothers me, honey."

DEAR AMY: I recently learned that a guy I was seeing off-and-on for about six months is now steadily dating someone else. It took a while to digest that, but I always knew it was a possibility, so I'm not too bothered by it.

However, last time I saw him I left him my junker bicycle with the understanding that he would sell it for cash, but he has instead given it to his new girlfriend. The bicycle held a lot of memories for me about our relationship, and while I don't begrudge his new girlfriend, I can't help but feel a bit devastated he gave the bike to her.

I know he didn't mean anything bad by it, but how do I come to terms with this situation?-- Adjusting

DEAR ADJUSTING: In your life, you will lose objects -- and you will also lose people. The bicycle provides you with the perfect opportunity to learn detachment, which is an extremely powerful lesson. Close your eyes. Visualize your clunker bike as a metaphor, carrying all of your powerful attachments.

In your mind, picture your bike wobbling down the street with a variety of people riding it (your former boyfriend, his girlfriend, your dear departed grandmother and Richard Nixon). Letting this go will help to liberate you.

DEAR AMY: "Burnt Out Auntie" was enabling a family member who is addicted to drugs and has lost custody of all of her children. Auntie should stop giving cash, which allows her to feel "good" about helping her niece.

We have a family riddled with addicts and family members who are loving them to death. It's a family disease. All need to get some help and "let go with love." -- Family Member

DEAR MEMBER: It is very hard to let go. But sometimes, that's the answer.
blunt advice

Hoboken, NJ

#2 Mar 10, 2014
1. Sounds like one of those couples who like to fight.
2. Ask him to give you the fair market value for the bicycle less a small agent commission. Try Ebay or Craigslist next time you want to sell something.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Mar 10, 2014
1 Ha! Not the guys fault

2 Riddled? Really?

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Mar 10, 2014
Lw1: overweight and fat are pretty much the same thing. You are calling him fat. You just think your nice word is different. Its like people who talk about "putting down" a sick pet. They mean kill. Its the same thing

Lw2: you dated ON & OFF for SIX months. Quit acting like this friggin bike holds the bittersweet memories of some long term relationship. You were occasional f buddies for a few months.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#5 Mar 10, 2014
1. Eh.
2. Meh.
3.Bleh.

In that vein, I learned that the 'word "Huh?" used as a question exits in every language.

Carry on

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#6 Mar 10, 2014
LW1: Good advice, but LW seems rude and just plain mean. She clearly isn't mature enough to learn how to filter what she says and how she says it. I am surprised her bf doesn't ditch her.

Since: Mar 09

West Palm Beach, FL

#7 Mar 10, 2014
L1: Haha! Calling someone overweight isn't the same as calling them fat? On what planet?

L2: Wow. Get OVER it.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#8 Mar 10, 2014
LW1: Your people skills suck donkey balls Ö just being honest, heh. You should be thankful you have a bf if that is how you treat and talk to him.
Itís no wonder you fight all the time. Men tend to give back what they are given.

LW2: Yup Ö you really sound not too bothered by it. <sarcasm>

You come to terms by moving on. It really isnít about some piece of junk bicycle, but about him. If you wanted him so bad, you shouldnít have been seeing him off-and-on for six months and you should have let him know that you wanted to be with him and should have fought harder for the relationship.

Now heís moved on and the ship has sailed. Realize this and donít even bother making a huge issue over $20 bucks for your junk bike, because it will just come off as what it really is Ö desperation.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Mar 10, 2014
LW1: "We are crazy about each other,..."

I think you're just crazy. The sooner you figure out that in a loving relationship, it is better to be kind than honest, the better off you'll be.

LW2: Geez, Amy are you dumb. The only fantasy that the LW wants to envision is the new gf riding that bike straight into a brick wall.

If the bike meant so stinkin' much to her, she wouldn't have left it. She just doesn't like the fact that another vijayjay is sitting on that seat.

LW3: Can rehashes be "let go with love?"

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#10 Mar 10, 2014
Squishy had all the answers today!
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#11 Mar 10, 2014
1: IDK...is her boyfriend a whiney girl? He sounds like he takes offenses the way women do. Men can be all "your breath stinks" and move on. He sounds too sensitive.
And condescending to not want nasty teeth? If you're french-kissing me, you'd betterh ave good hygiene!
LW very well may be dolt-like in delivery, but like her, if you ask my opinion you'd better be ready for my honesty. I would not intentionally hurt you but I refuse to lie.

I do support the I-statements...they diffuse and pull attention to you not the other.
EX: the lunch lady at work was being so snippy with me everyday and I could think of nothing to cause it. I rarely go there in fact. One day, softly, I said, "I feel like you're mad at me and I don't know why." She apologized and has been a sweetie pie ever since!
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#12 Mar 10, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
Lw2: you dated ON & OFF for SIX months. Quit acting like this friggin bike holds the bittersweet memories of some long term relationship. You were occasional f buddies for a few months.
Right?!? LOL
Let's be real: she left the bike hoping he would call her again about it.
She gave permission for him to off it, so he did--to his new gf.

Bikes aren't cheap, so she didn't want it badly.

Speaking of bikes, I have been tooling around in mine for a few days. It's spring break and I love riding it! Here in the south, people are lazy and drive everywhere and bikes mean I am too poor for a car or have too many DUIs, lol.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#13 Mar 10, 2014
cheluzal wrote:
1: IDK...is her boyfriend a whiney girl? He sounds like he takes offenses the way women do. Men can be all "your breath stinks" and move on. He sounds too sensitive.
And condescending to not want nasty teeth? If you're french-kissing me, you'd betterh ave good hygiene!
LW very well may be dolt-like in delivery, but like her, if you ask my opinion you'd better be ready for my honesty. I would not intentionally hurt you but I refuse to lie.
I do support the I-statements...they diffuse and pull attention to you not the other.
EX: the lunch lady at work was being so snippy with me everyday and I could think of nothing to cause it. I rarely go there in fact. One day, softly, I said, "I feel like you're mad at me and I don't know why." She apologized and has been a sweetie pie ever since!
You can give an opinion without being rude or mean about it. Sounds like the LW hasn't figured out how to do that.

And the lunch lady was probably mean to you because she's jealous of your beauty
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#14 Mar 10, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
You can give an opinion without being rude or mean about it. Sounds like the LW hasn't figured out how to do that.
And the lunch lady was probably mean to you because she's jealous of your beauty
Maybe, maybe not. She might need more finesse but he could also be extra sensitive, which would be a rough combo.
I say things harsher than I intend. But a guy whining about things that sound like they come out of a girl's mouth? Ick.

LOL--doubt it. She's older and harmless. Can't figure out why. I think she's stressed (first time in this job) and teachers can be jerks, but it was palpable. I handled it right and we are kosher.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#15 Mar 11, 2014
LW2 got a good "Glance at he Future answer"; let's see:

LW2's bike:
(a) was sold at the pawn shop for $3.00.
(b) was stolen by a homeless person desparate to go to jail as a non-
violent offender.
(c) was given by the new girl friend to her other boyfriend and LW2's
ex cried on LW2's shoulder that his new girl friend was not true to him.
or
(d) other

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