Abby 10-8

[edogxxx]

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a man, "Jerry," who committed a crime years ago. He and a friend participated in several robberies. Jerry was unarmed and no one was hurt, although the victims were traumatized. Jerry was caught, served time in prison and has completely reformed his life. He finished college, was married for many years, is a devoted father to his children and holds an excellent job for which he is respected.

Despite the way Jerry has lived his life, I am having a hard time getting over his past. Although I know he has done everything humanly possible to redeem himself, I can't help wondering what kind of person he is deep down. We are starting to get more serious, and he doesn't know I'm aware of his record.(A mutual friend told me long before Jerry and I began to date.)

I'm concerned that if my children know about what he did, they will never accept him. Although I have never met someone with whom I feel so compatible since my divorce, I wonder if it's worth pursuing.-- TORN OVER HIS PAST

DEAR TORN: Let me help you. Jerry is a man who made a very stupid mistake in his youth and who has paid for it. But it didn't stop him from turning his life around and making a success of himself. Many people would respect that. I know I do.

Because you and Jerry are getting serious, he should have mentioned his past to you. The two of you need to have a heart-to-heart talk. If you are truly worried about the kind of person he is "deep down," this is the way to find out. As for your children -- once you accept him, so will they if you impress upon them how hard he has worked to become the person he is today.

DEAR ABBY: I have been going to a small community building near where I live to sing karaoke. I love going there because no alcohol is served, everyone acts like family, and I can take my kids and grandkids. My husband doesn't go because he has other stress relievers and we have different interests. He knows some of the people there and doesn't mind me going with my best friend.

I love my husband very much. I am not "looking for love." However, last month the DJ's wife was waiting for me and said she didn't appreciate my singing with her husband (she never comes, either) and told me to stop leaving comments on his Facebook page.

I tried to explain that I thought he was my friend, but she wasn't having it. She wanted to start trouble and ruin what happiness we all have. I thought about not going back, but I love the singing.

I haven't done anything wrong or said anything inappropriate. My friends at karaoke want me back, and my husband says I should go. I have been so down about this. There's no other place around where they don't serve alcohol. Please help me.-- INNOCENT AND HURT IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR INNOCENT AND HURT: Although your relationship with the DJ is innocent, it appears he has a troubled marriage. If he doesn't know about the incident with his wife, then you should tell him. The next couple of times you visit the community building to sing, ask your husband to please come with you. And stop leaving messages on the Facebook page.

[RedheadwGlasses]

L1: I don't see why your adult children need to know. It's none of their business.

L2: 1. Cut back on the commenting on someone's FB page. 2. Tell her to eff off and if she has a problem, she can talk to her husband.

[RedheadwGlasses]

P.S. I'm SO not a fan of karaoke. Sober? That would make me wanting karaoke to be illegal.

[j_m_w]

L1: Anyone with access to google can probably find out all about Jerry's past. Just saying. Anyway, it sounds like Jerry did his time, learned his lesson, and is living a much better life than he was at the time that he committed these crimes. People CAN change.

L2: What Ang said... the Facebook stuff is immature and there's no reason for it. But it's okay to have friends.

[j_m_w]

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

P.S. I'm SO not a fan of karaoke. Sober? That would make me wanting karaoke to be illegal.

I know, right? I tried to take my personal opinion of this hobby out of the equation when thinking about a response to the letter.

[Saluki Rod]

L1: The key here is that he hasn't come clean about his past. I'd naturally be concerned if someone I knew was dating an ex-con. I do agree that the adult children don't need to know.

L2: Anything related to karaoke hobbyists gets the same response: just say no.

This lady is infatuated with the DJ, BTW, but I'd tell the wife to get outtas my face.

[RACE]

1 If you insist upon making him continue to pay for his crime, do him the favor of leaving him.

2 You Hussy! Nothing worse than a sober karaoke singer hitting on the DJ.

and isn't "sober karaoke singer an oxymoron"?

[Matilda77]

L1: Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!

L2: sober karaoke = trying to slide down a dry waterslide. It can be done, but why?

[Mister Tonka]

LW1: IS this what life as Michael Vick is like? Committed a crime? Paid the price. Rebuilt his life. Walked the straight and narrow. And people are still concerned with what he did years ago.

LW2: So go back and don't sing with the DJ and stay off his facebook page? How hard is that?

[Mister Tonka]

RedheadwGlasses wrote:

P.S. I'm SO not a fan of karaoke. Sober? That would make me wanting karaoke to be illegal.

I don't dislike karaoke, but the times I've been at a karaoke place and friends have tried to get me on stage, I tell them "you need to get me a lot drunker than this if you expect me up there!"

[Mister Tonka]

RACE wrote:

1 If you insist upon making him continue to pay for his crime, do him the favor of leaving him.

Interesting comment from you when juxtaposed with my Michael Vick analogy.

[squishymama]

Mister Tonka wrote:

<quoted text>Interesting comment from you when juxtaposed with my Michael Vick analogy.

I seemed to me that you both are saying the same thing.

With which I agree, btw.

[PEllen]

I think it is a question of whether you regard the crime as an abberation or a mistake made while young or an indication of underlying character that will show up again later in life.

LW clearly sees it as a manifestation of a character defect which can't be changed, only suppressed

[squishymama]

LW2: Because this woman's comment caused you so much distress, I'd re-examine that "not looking for love" statement.

[Sublime1]

LW1: It sounds like he’s a changed man. Also, if you knew about this before you dated him and were so concerned, why did you date him? Make up your mind … it’s either a deal breaker or it’s not.

LW2: Just put some distance between you and the DJ.

[Community Disorganizer]

LW 1: Is it his past crimes that are bothering you, or is it the unprotected homosexual anal sex he had when he was in the slammer?

[Mister Tonka]

squishymama wrote:

<quoted text>
I seemed to me that you both are saying the same thing.
With which I agree, btw.

In this case, we are, but I don't think he keeps it consistent when Vick comes up.

[edogxxx]

1- Once a scumbag, always a scumbag. Dump him, there are plenty of non-felons out there.

[RACE]

I do not apply it to Vick because I dont believe he is a changed man. I dont believe he thinks he did anything wrong, or sees anything morally wrong with dog fighting in general.

He paid the price for being caught, but getting caught has not reformed him, as it apparently has the LW.

Do you really believe that Vick is a changed man?

Mister Tonka wrote:

<quoted text>In this case, we are, but I don't think he keeps it consistent when Vick comes up.

[Toj]

L1: Okay, Patty-Perfect... The man owned up to what he did and went through the process. If anything, you can use him as an example of what not to do and, if you do something you shouldn't, own up to it and make it better for everyone.

L2: Maybe the DJ has stepped out on his wife before so his wife is making assumptions. I'd let it go and leave space between you and the DJ. If you can stomach it and if everyone can agree, why not the 4 of you (DJ & wifey, you a hubby) go out to dinner one night.

As for the comparison with Vick and the guy in L1 -- what PEllen said. It goes to whether it's an indication of a continued character trait or not.