Amy 7-2

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“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#1
Jul 2, 2013
 
DEAR AMY: I am in a serious relationship with a divorced man, and we are moving into a new home together soon.

He has two children with his ex. Both kids are wonderful and respond very well to me. Their mother is currently with a man and is building a life with him.

Since I've been involved, she has made numerous threats -- from threatening to kill me to calling the police if I am around the kids or involved in anything pertaining to them. She has never met me, and all threats are made via text -- or verbally to my boyfriend or the children.

She has punished the children by throwing away their things if I've touched them. She threatens to give them further punishment if they are nice to me. She has shown up uninvited and unexpected several times and then refuses to leave.

We have filed a police report. She admits her behavior is inappropriate and extends apologies, only to resort to the same threats again a few days or weeks later.

In an attempt to provide a safe environment for them while they are with us, we think it might be best to not disclose to her where our new home is and to arrange a designated drop-off and pickup location when we have the kids to avoid her showing up and creating violent drama as she has in the past. Is this a decent solution?-- Safe Haven

DEAR SAFE HAVEN: This person is dangerous to you and to her children. Step up to protect them.

Moving to an undisclosed "safe house" does not protect the kids from her rages after they have stayed with you and return to her home. Her unstable behavior puts them in a terrible position of having to try to protect you (and your address)-- while they are also trying to protect themselves.

Their father should do everything possible through the legal system to gain custody of these children, perhaps with visitation with their mother if she proves she can be a responsible part-time parent. This calls for court intervention, counseling and perhaps a diagnosis for what I suspect is a serious mental health issue.

DEAR AMY: I have recently become close friends with someone I really like but who angers me with her spoiled behavior. I know she is indulged by her parents, who will buy her whatever she wants and submit to her demands and petty abuse. More and more, she is behaving this way with me, and I'm not sure how to handle it with grace and good humor.

When I go to her house, she expects me to be the perfect guest and will aggressively badger and chide me if I don't immediately hang a towel back up after using it, wash a dish, etc. She bosses me around constantly.

When she comes to my house, she is a total slob. I have sunk to her level before and tried the abusive thing on her, which didn't work and doesn't come naturally to me.

This feels petty, but it needs to stop. People-pleasing is my default mode, but I hate the way this feels.

How can I deal with this princess behavior?-- Disrespected

DEAR DISRESPECTED: You ask "how?" -- but I ask "why?"

I have a feeling if you looked at this person's other friendships, you might find a "survivors" support group with her name on it.

You can give her the benefit of honesty and simply tell her that you find her bullying very upsetting; ask her to behave differently. However, you may find that she isn't actually interested in being in a relationship unless she is the dominant party. Princesses don't share all that well.

DEAR AMY: The recent letter from "Worried Student" whose mother didn't want her to get the HPV vaccine was handled well by you. However, as someone working in student health at a major university, I feel it is important to tell you that the HPV vaccine is now available and recommended for young men as well as women -- straight and gay.-- Health Care Advocate

DEAR ADVOCATE: HPV knows no gender. Thank you.

“Derecho”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

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#2
Jul 2, 2013
 
1- She's gonna find out where you live soon enough. It's easy to find out on her own or the kids will rat you out. Get a restraining order.

2- Why did you become close friends with her?

3- Guess I better run out and get my HPV vaccine.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#3
Jul 2, 2013
 

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1 You wont be able to hide your address. It will be on the checks he send her for support, on file with the school, and any future legal document (oh yeah there will be legal docs).

Record everything, get in on video and do as suggested, get them kids. Ha! bet you did not anticipate that when you bought the house!

2 Your a doormat, not a friend. Grow a spine.

3 But I am already sexually active.

Since: Jan 10

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#4
Jul 2, 2013
 
L1: I agree with Amy 100%. Pull out the big guns NOW.

L2: "someone I really like but " Well you are going to be a PEACH as a dating adult! Thank you in advance for the letters you're going to write in 10 years.
Stina

Ronkonkoma, NY

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#5
Jul 2, 2013
 
LW1: This person sounds psycho. Make sure you guys are documenting all of these incidents and then BF should file for full custody. This CAN'T be good for the kids and they need sane adults to intervene on their behalf NOW. You already have some proof to back you up, so just do it.

LW2: You need to learn to pick better friends and, just as important, to walk away when someone treats you like mushy dog poo.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#6
Jul 2, 2013
 
L1. Where is the dad, your bf/fiance in all this?

He is the only one who can effectively act against his ex.

There was a story on the websites recently about a mom who was acting like this. The dad got custody, the mom can only have supervised visits and she has to pay the supervisor.

Dwayne Wade's ex makes the papers every now and then for similar stuff. She loses.Everytime. The common thread in these things is that the father takes action. A girlfriend has as much of an official dog in that fight as say... Dog.
Cass

Upland, CA

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#7
Jul 2, 2013
 
LW1 - Your BF was married to a whackjob. He needs to file for full custody of his kids. Document all the threats and the emotional abuse of the children.

LW2 - You LIKE her? Why, in the good Lord's name? Why?

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

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#8
Jul 2, 2013
 
LW1: Why are you talking to Amy about this and not an effing lawyer?

LW2: "How can I deal with this princess behavior?"

You can dump her posh little butt.

LW3: I wish they'd had it when I was in college...
mogget

Chicago, IL

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#9
Jul 2, 2013
 

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I'm confused by the first letter:'She has never met me, and all threats are made via text'
and then later:'She has shown up uninvited and unexpected several times and then refuses to leave.'

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

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#10
Jul 2, 2013
 

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mogget wrote:
I'm confused by the first letter:'She has never met me, and all threats are made via text'
and then later:'She has shown up uninvited and unexpected several times and then refuses to leave.'
Good point.

I could see a scenario where the mom shows up and refuses to speak to or acknowledge the existence of the gf/LW, rather like shunning. However that would be extrapolating from limited facts and we never ever do that around here.

General musing: what is the thought process in the mom's head? Is she looking to get the dad/ex bf back? If punishment, what for and how does she think future behavior would change? Is she hoping to poison the kids relationship with their dad and keep all their "love" for herself to punish him?

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me!

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#11
Jul 2, 2013
 

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...Their mother is currently with a man and is building a life with him....

This guy is so screwed

Since: Feb 10

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#12
Jul 2, 2013
 

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Kind of funny timing, since I have recently become reacquainted, through facebook, with an old boyfriend's whackadoodle ex and have enjoyed reading her online histrionics, which are kind of amusing now that her daughter is grown and out of the house, and now that I am just a bystander.

LW needs to know that this situation is not going to go away...my former bf divorced his whacko 20 years ago, and she is STILL making threats against anyone who has ever been with him, before or after her (somehow I seem to have gotten a pass). I wish he had gotten full custody earlier and saved his daughter a lot of damaging years. The ex was a full-blown nutcase and it wasn't difficult to convince a judge. He did need to hire a private detective and that wasn't cheap, but it was worth it to get her out of a toxic situation, and he actually recouped the cost pretty quickly once he wasn't paying crazy child-support. Not that the cost is the prime factor, but it can be prohibitive to get quality work when you're on a budget.
Good luck LW, but seriously, he needs to do this, NOT you!

Since: Jan 10

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#13
Jul 2, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Good point.
I could see a scenario where the mom shows up and refuses to speak to or acknowledge the existence of the gf/LW, rather like shunning. However that would be extrapolating from limited facts and we never ever do that around here.
General musing: what is the thought process in the mom's head? Is she looking to get the dad/ex bf back? If punishment, what for and how does she think future behavior would change? Is she hoping to poison the kids relationship with their dad and keep all their "love" for herself to punish him?
It's like she's either afraid of "losing" Her kids to a stepmom, or she's still hung up on the kids' dad. How nice for the man she's shacking up with. Where is HE in all of this? WHo stays with a bat-shit crazy person? Someone else who's bat shit crazy.

Since: Feb 10

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#14
Jul 2, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
General musing: what is the thought process in the mom's head? Is she looking to get the dad/ex bf back? If punishment, what for and how does she think future behavior would change? Is she hoping to poison the kids relationship with their dad and keep all their "love" for herself to punish him?
I would say "yes", punishment for finding a replacement and in the future he will just be alone and miserable and "YES!!!"
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

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#15
Jul 2, 2013
 
LW1: Wow. Well, it's not hard to understand why he divorced her. First of all, document everything with dates and times. Save those threatening texts! And take Amy's advice - go to court and file for full custody.

LW2: Call her on her stuff.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

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#16
Jul 2, 2013
 
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Good point.
I could see a scenario where the mom shows up and refuses to speak to or acknowledge the existence of the gf/LW, rather like shunning. However that would be extrapolating from limited facts and we never ever do that around here.
General musing: what is the thought process in the mom's head? Is she looking to get the dad/ex bf back? If punishment, what for and how does she think future behavior would change? Is she hoping to poison the kids relationship with their dad and keep all their "love" for herself to punish him?
I think she's bipolar and unable to reason normally.
Julie

Skokie, IL

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#17
Jul 2, 2013
 

Judged:

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LW1: She has sent text threats *threatening to kill you*?? For F sake, get a restraining order against the sick b*tch. Why in h*ll are you being so passive about this?

LW2: Why are you new friends with someone who bosses you around and generally treats you like sh*t? Grow a spine, idiot.

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