“Not a real reg”

Since: Jan 13

Location hidden

#1 Aug 25, 2013
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ray," and I have been together for eight years, married for one. He is a great husband who works hard, is responsible, healthy, and he does half the household chores. He also tries to stay in great shape. We have a lot in common. My only problem is how Ray shows his love for me.

Ray says he expresses his love by doing what needs to be done -- repairs, yard work, grocery shopping, etc. I appreciate it, but it doesn't feel like love to me. I'd like him to buy me flowers, send me handwritten notes, take me to romantic candlelit dinners, etc. I reciprocate by giving him back rubs, baking him his favorite pie and buying him small gifts.

How can I get my husband to understand that it would be good for our marriage to give each other these "extra" acts of sweetness? We have talked about it, but he hasn't changed.-- DEMONSTRATING LOVE IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR DEMONSTRATING LOVE: You can't dictate how someone "should" express love. If the gestures you're looking for don't come naturally, it really is defeating the purpose to demand it. Many women would kill to have a husband who demonstrated his love by doing all the things your husband does.

Unless Ray has suddenly changed since your wedding, this is the person he was all during your seven-year courtship. The chances of him changing to any great degree are slim, so try to accept him the way he is, and you'll both be happier.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our early 30s and both have full-time jobs. Because of our busy work schedules and a general lack of desire to be parents, we have decided not to have children. We have nothing against kids, but we feel it isn't the best fit for our lifestyle.
The problem is my mother. She has a small farm I was always told I would one day inherit and move back to. My degree is in agriculture, and my husband and I have been saving for this for some time. Mom now says unless we have a child to pass the farm onto, we can't have it.

I am devastated about not being able to fulfill our dream and the pressure of my mother trying to force parenthood on us. I refuse to cave into her demand, but I'm not sure how to handle myself around her. Should I cut off contact until she stops badgering me? Should I just let her remarks go? I am sad and hurt to have been put in this position. Any advice?-- CORNERED IN OHIO

DEAR CORNERED: People who don't want to be parents usually don't make very good ones -- and to bring a child into the world in order to get your hands on your mother's farm would be unfair to the child.

I see no reason to cut off your mother. When she raises this subject again (and she will), tell her that even if you had a baby "to pass the farm onto," there is no guarantee the child would want it. In the meantime, continue saving your money so you will have a sufficient down payment for a farm of your own -- no strings attached.

DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years and like it. But now I think you must be a man. I still like the column, maybe even more, but you do seem like a man. Are you one? Or is Abby a committee?-- CURIOUS IN TUCSON

DEAR CURIOUS: I heard a rumor years ago that Dear Abby was an overweight, unshaven, cigar-smoking man, but I assure you it isn't true.(I'd sure like to know who started that one.) I write my own column, and this morning when I emerged from my shower and looked in the mirror, I was definitely female. I promise to keep you posted if anything changes.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#2 Aug 25, 2013
1- Tell him he aint gettin anymore bjs until he brings you some flowers.

2- Screw your mom. You're gonna get the farm. Who else will she leave it to?

3- What an insult to men everywhere! Abby is just a crappy advice columnist named Jean Phillips.

Since: Jun 09

Pinellas Park, FL

#3 Aug 25, 2013
LW2: Tell your mom it's unlikely to happen and the am is for her to what she pleases with (which is true). It's crappy for her to push her desires on you. Maybe she'll leave you the farm after all, maybe she won't. Keep saving to buy your own; she owes you a farm no more than you owe her a grandchild.

Since: Jun 09

Pinellas Park, FL

#4 Aug 25, 2013
*the farm... for some reason laptop isn't picking up all the letters I am typing. And it's only year old!

Since: Jun 09

Pinellas Park, FL

#5 Aug 25, 2013
*a* year old! See?!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#6 Aug 25, 2013
L2 sounds like the set up for a John Grisham murder ,a will contest, a novel or some combination of the three.

If you have lived 30 years being told you will get the farm on which you grew up, and you got a college degree to support that farm, it is really really hard to shrug your shoulders and start saving for something else. I wouldn't rule out that her husband married her in part on the expectation that she would get the farm.

Even if LW does get pregnant in the future, mom's blackmail ( and it is no longer just an attempted blackmail, IMO) has sown bitter seeds.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#7 Aug 25, 2013
1: Ya'll should read Chapman's "Love Languages." Hubby is loving her in his language; if you care about your spouse, you need to try and show them love in their language.
He might not change, but if you love them, you want to show it in ways that best touch their heart.
It's like buying a gift YOU like instead of what the receipient likes.

2: How rude. Who wants her smelly old farm with that emotionally manipulative attitude. Decades might bring retrospect that not getting it was a good thing.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#8 Aug 25, 2013
cheluzal wrote:
2:... Who wants her smelly old farm with that emotionally manipulative attitude. Decades might bring retrospect that not getting it was a good thing.
LW wants that smelly old farm. Once Mom is gone, her attitude is of no importance as long as LW has clear title. It is an emotional issue a much as a property issue
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#9 Aug 25, 2013
LW2: Team Stina!(Maybe you need a new keyboard.)

In the words of the late, great Billie Holiday, God bless the child that's got his own.

My friend's manipulative in-laws loaned them a down payment for a condo a few years back and then tried to control their lives. For example, when a relative would come to town, the in-laws would call my friends up and tell them that Uncle Bob would be staying at their condo for a week!! There were many other offenses, but that one stands out in my mind. I told my friend that there were too many strings attached to that money and that they should make their own money and tell the in-laws to stuff it. They soon did.

LW, the answer is treat your mother with respect, patience, and kindness, but do not allow her to control your very personal decisions. Your plan B is to buy a different farm and your plan C is to buy a little house on a good size plot and plant a fabulous home garden.
Julie

Chicago, IL

#10 Aug 25, 2013
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
LW wants that smelly old farm. Once Mom is gone, her attitude is of no importance as long as LW has clear title. It is an emotional issue a much as a property issue
True, her attitude is of no importance--unless LW and her husband actually buckle under to the manipulative witch and *have a child they don't want* just to inherit the farm...

“What's it to ya?”

Since: Mar 09

Location hidden

#11 Aug 25, 2013
2: The answer is so obvious. Tell Mom you're going to start working on making a baby. Work on it except forget to stop BC.

When a pregnancy fails to materialize, you are having "fertility issues" and working with your doctor(s) on it. Assuming Mom doesn't go with you to your GYN appointments...

Keep doing this until she kicks off. Problem solved.

OR...tell her she can give it to you if she wants to or give it to her dog, or anyone else she wants to give it to...you don't care but you are an adult and will not have your reproductive choice dictated for you.

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