“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#1 Jan 24, 2014
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Chad," proposed two months ago, but he didn't ask my parents for my hand in marriage. My parents are upset about it.

When I realized that Chad hadn't gone to them, I asked him why. He said he was following what his father had done -- proposing first and then speaking to the parents. But Chad still hasn't done it. In fact, he has yet to be around them at all.

How do I get my boyfriend to speak to my parents? They are no longer as angry as they were, but they still would like to talk to him. I spend lots of time with Chad's family, but I can't get him to even go to lunch with mine.

Dad said that if Chad doesn't clear the air with him, he may not bother showing up at our wedding! What do I do, Abby?-- FIANCEE IN A FIX

DEAR FIANCEE: You appear to be quite young. If I were you, I would take a step backward and see this from your parents' point of view. It appears that Chad wasn't entirely honest with you when he gave his reason for not talking to them. Could he be intimidated?

When a daughter marries, most parents want to know something about the young man -- not only where he has been, but also what are his plans for the future, including where the two of you will be living and whether he has a job. That Chad is hiding from them isn't a good sign.

When most couples become engaged, the parents of the bride and groom usually get together and start to form a relationship. If your father hasn't met your fiance, it makes it harder for your parents to reach out to his. When the in-laws are friendly, it makes for a more harmonious marriage.

As it stands, it appears Chad is not interested in having any relationship with your family. Frankly, I can't blame your father for being upset about it.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I disagree on whether to tell our kids and friends how we met. When my wife and I met, she was underage. She was 16 and I was 21. We fell in love; it was true love. We have been together for 24 years. We have two beautiful children and have made a wonderful life together. I love her as much today as the first time I met her.

How should we answer people when they ask about how we met and fell in love? I know it was wrong and against the law.-- MIKE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MIKE: You do not have to quote chapter and verse when someone asks a question. In a case like yours, you could say that you met when you were both quite young without going into the specifics.

For a 21-year-old to see a 16-year-old girl is not against the law, as long as her parents approve and they are not having sex. The laws regarding statutory rape were enacted to prevent predators from preying on minors.

DEAR ABBY: When I buy a sweater I usually get an extra button in a little clear baggie attached to the garment. Today, I bought a sweater with a piece of matching thread in the tiny plastic bag.

Why do manufacturers insist on adding something to every article of clothing even if it is just a piece of thread?-- INQUISITIVE IN ILLINOIS

DEAR INQUISITIVE: The thread is provided in case the garment needs to be rewoven in the event you get a hole in it or a tear. It's a courtesy to the customer, so stop looking a gift horse in the mouth.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Chicago, IL

#2 Jan 24, 2014
1- Something tells me he's gonna alienate you from your family once you get married. His unwillingness to even meet your folks is a red flag. Rethink this

2- Yeah, they don't need to know every mundane detail

3- wow are you stupid

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Jan 24, 2014
1 If this is how he is reacting to being engaged, you are in for a train wreck of a marriage. He needs to man up and respect the customs of your tribe, even if he does not agree with them. I suspect your both too young to be thinking marriage.

2 You have been married 24 years and NOW your friends and family are asking how you met? Besides, their asking how you met, not how old. Unless you were the janitor at her elementary school, I doubt they will be able to assign ages to you.

3 If you cant figure this out, you need to never breed.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#4 Jan 24, 2014
LW1: Yeah, what everyone else said. If he still refuses, maybe you should plan a party and invite both sets of parents. Perhaps he will be more relaxed if the pressure isn't so intense.

LW2: I can't see that anybody would care that much.

LW3: Go buy your sh!t at Old Navy. They're way too cheap to give you extra anything.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#5 Jan 24, 2014
L1: If you need your parent's approval for your marriage for you to get marriage, you are not mature enough to get married. That's a decision you need to be ready for and have confidence in for yourself. That being said, they guy is a big doosh for lying to you. If you can't trust him for his, are you going to trust him to be your lifelong partner? I wouldn't.

L2: I don't see where it's anyone's business now that you're old folks.

L3: Out of all the questions you could ask concerning the world, this is the one that bugged you enough to write in?
Blunt Advice

Suffern, NY

#6 Jan 24, 2014
1. Isn't it customary after an engagement for the groom to be's mother to call the bride to be's mother? I had once been engaged and it was broken off, and then couple of years later got engaged to my husband. Both mothers had called my mother to introduce themselves after the engagement. Just the fact that Chads family isn't making an effort to meet them is disturbing. I hope Abby sends the LW the warning signs of an abuser.
2. How about you met when you were young at Burger King, through friends, or whereever the heck you met for the first time. So you are 5 years apart....not even close to being a May December romance.
3. Move to a warmer climate or wear sweatshirts. Hey a stupid question gets a stupid answer. Maybe there is a button shortage? Ask the clothing store.
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#7 Jan 24, 2014
LW1: He is young, shy, insecure,and uncomfortable around your parents. Your parents sound super traditional. You will have to be the one to bridge the gap. Arrange for a meeting where you will also be present and have him rehearse what he is going to say ahead of time. Give him encouragement and praise, not hurt, anger, and criticism.

LW2: I also do not know why anyone would care at this point, although you were both pretty young when you met. I say congratulations on your long marriage.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#8 Jan 24, 2014
Team Toj all the way.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#9 Jan 24, 2014
squishymama wrote:
Perhaps he will be more relaxed if the pressure isn't so intense.
Kuuipo wrote:
LW1: He is young, shy, insecure,and uncomfortable around your parents.
I don't think that is the issue. Even if it was, should she really marry a man who's so petrified of her parents?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#10 Jan 24, 2014
Toj wrote:
L1: If you need your parent's approval for your marriage for you to get marriage, you are not mature enough to get married.
Telling the parents of your intentions and asking their permission prior to proposing to your fiance, is a time-honored and respected tradition. It's about garnering respect and acceptance into the family you're joining. It's not about immaturity.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Jan 24, 2014
LW1. It doesn't say he has never met her parents, just that he did not ask her father's permission for the marriage.

If she has spent a lot of time with his family, I don't see that he is trying to isolate her.

Maybe its a cultural thing, but even 44 years ago when I got married teh first time, my fiance did not ask my father for permission. As ar as I ever knew, none of my friends fiane's did that.

That suggests that LW is very young and probably comes from a very traditional family background or culture. Either way, this is not a good predictor for a long term marriage.

LW2. Assuming your kids know yours and your wife's birthday and your anniversary, they will have figured out you got married very young. If you have ever talked about how long you dated, simple math will reveal the age issue. If your kids have any brains at all they ca do that kind of math.

We had something similar with my parents. The kids figured it out at their 25th anniversary.

LW needs only to wait until his youngest is over 18 and then the story becomes family lore rather than statutory rape charges averted.

OTOH I have always been vague when my kids asked me specifics about my high school and college years for good reason. Sometimes do as I say not as I did is better avoided.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#12 Jan 24, 2014
PEllen wrote:
LW1. It doesn't say he has never met her parents
Sure about that?
edogxxx wrote:
In fact, he has yet to be around them at all...
I spend lots of time with Chad's family, but I can't get him to even go to lunch with mine.

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#13 Jan 24, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Sure about that?
<quoted text>
I think the whole thing screams that they are too young and/or immature. A mature person would sit down and have a talk to with their "intended" and ask him what's the deal. That's not happening. She's writing an advice columnist.

And as for asking parent's permission to marry -- that's goes back to the day when women were property and it irks me.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Wilmington, IL

#14 Jan 24, 2014
Toj wrote:
And as for asking parent's permission to marry -- that's goes back to the day when women were property and it irks me.
I am woman hear me roar!

Blasted tradition! Without it we wouldn't have...

Halloween

http://www.history.com/topics/halloween

We wouldn't have Christmas

http://www.novareinna.com/festive/xmas.html

Thanksgiving

http://www.history.com/topics/thanksgiving

Don't you just love to hate what made America the greatest country on earth!?

Down with tradition!!

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#15 Jan 24, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
I am woman hear me roar!
Blasted tradition! Without it we wouldn't have...
Halloween
http://www.history.com/topics/halloween
We wouldn't have Christmas
http://www.novareinna.com/festive/xmas.html
Thanksgiving
http://www.history.com/topics/thanksgiving
Don't you just love to hate what made America the greatest country on earth!?
Down with tradition!!
I'm not surprised at all that you don't understand that some traditions aren't worth passing on, just b/c they are traditions.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#16 Jan 24, 2014
If my first husband had asked for my hand, my father would have asked why he didn't want the rest of me. I was 17 when I got engaged and 19 when I got married... and 27 when we got divorced. Was he supposed to give my hand back to my father? With or without the rings?

Dog if I didn't know better I would think you were a pre Vatican II clone of Ward Cleaver

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#17 Jan 25, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
<quoted text>
I don't think that is the issue. Even if it was, should she really marry a man who's so petrified of her parents?
No. But you won't be able to convince her of that.

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