“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Apr 29, 2014
DEAR AMY: My wife, "Cari," and I have been married for almost 30 years and have four wonderful children, the youngest in high school.

I love my kids, and I love my wife, but over the years, the passion in our marriage has dropped to the point that my wife has asked more than once if I am having an affair with another woman.

Each time I have replied, truthfully, "You are the most attractive woman in the world to me." I add the promise "I will never have an affair with another woman."

What I have not yet mentioned to her is that, in my heart-of-hearts, I am not so sure that I could turn away another man.

This is my dilemma: Should I -- and when should I -- tell Cari that I really don't have any sexual interest in women?

I expect no understanding or acceptance from Cari when I'm honest with her.

A therapist I have seen told me to wait until I'm fully prepared before I come out. A gay pastor counseled me to work through as much as I can, but make sure I come out before I meet a boyfriend -- to keep the focus on orientation rather than love interests.

A third opinion came from a book whose author is a woman whose husband left her for a man. This author's advice -- in very blunt terms -- is to tell her immediately, so that she can grieve and then get on with life.

What would you suggest?-- Want to Be Honest

DEAR WANT: I agree with all three pieces of advice. And now that you've sought advice from the counselor, the clergy, the self-help book and the columnist; I'd say that it's time for you to do what you obviously need (and want) to do.

You will not be able to inoculate your wife or kids from the shock and confusion this will cause. You will not be able to time this process perfectly.

When you are ready, you should seek the help of a counselor to navigate through this with your wife.

You cannot expect instant understanding or acceptance, and this is because when one spouse drops a bombshell into the relationship, the other spouse tends to feel upset, angry and betrayed. But you can continue to be a good and loving partner to her and a great father to your kids.

Your wife would benefit from connecting with the Straight Spouse Network

DEAR AMY: Please settle an argument I have with one of my close friends. I believe that husband and wife are still entitled to some kind of privacy.

I don't believe in going through my husband's wallets or pockets to find out if he is cheating or hiding something. Nor do I believe that he should go through my purse and open my mail and texts to see if I am cheating or doing something I shouldn't be doing.

My late husband and I respected each other and trusted each other. I think it's so self-demeaning to check up on your spouse just on an off chance he or she might be cheating.

My friend believes there shouldn't be any privacy between husband and wife. She believes that husband and wife have every right to go through each other's things whenever they like.

She also believes that a wife shouldn't pursue her own interests without her husband. I believe that even after marriage we are still our own person with our own wants and desires apart from our spouse. And I believe that husband and wife should be supportive of each other's personal dreams and goals.

My friend thinks I've been reading too many books.-- Bewildered

DEAR BEWILDERED: I think your friend has been reading too few books.

Trust is not defined by rifling through someone's belongings -- that is the opposite of trust.

DEAR AMY: Your attitude about pron does not surprise me, of course. But many happy and healthy men basically learned about sex from their stash of Playboys, and it didn't cause any harm.-- Husband and Father

DEAR HUSBAND: Today's Internet pron is not your dad's Playboy. And it can definitely be harmful.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

East Hartford, CT

#2 Apr 29, 2014
1- Fake it until your youngest is out of the house. Straight spouse network??

2- The underlying issue is trust. If you feel the need to go through your spouse's things, you've got bigger issues

3- Oh please, there's nothing harmful about watching transexual pregnant midget scat play

“On Deck”

Since: Aug 08

French Polynesia

#3 Apr 29, 2014
L3. Pron? Stop talking in code.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#4 Apr 29, 2014
1 Your 50 and you have now decided your gay? See, Here's where the whole "Born that way" falls off the tracks. This guy is not saying he was always gay, in fact he used to be quite happy being straight, but now his Passion and interest has waned, and he is looking for the next exciting thing, so hey, try a co*k on for size right?

2 Your friend is trying to justify snooping as transparency. This is why she will be divorced, and you were married until your husband died.

3 No lamy, porn has not gotten any worse, it is simply more available. Shepard boys have been screwing their sheep since the time of Moses. The only difference is now it's on pay per view.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

East Hartford, CT

#5 Apr 29, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 Your 50 and you have now decided your gay? See, Here's where the whole "Born that way" falls off the tracks. This guy is not saying he was always gay, in fact he used to be quite happy being straight, but now his Passion and interest has waned, and he is looking for the next exciting thing, so hey, try a co*k on for size right?
Cone on now. Remember, he grew up in an era where being gay wasn't widely acceptable. He had to hide it and hoped if he married and had a few kids, his desire to put his c*ck up another man's poopchute would go away

Since: Jun 09

Saint Petersburg, FL

#6 Apr 29, 2014
LW1 got good advice already. Looks like he is looking for someone to tell him NOT to tell his wife.

LW2: Friend has some issues. I remember when things were getting to be on the outs with my ex. He was CONVINCED I was cheating (I wasn't) and he would go through my car and my pocketbook at night. He even stole my key fob off of my keychain so he would have access to my car after we split up. I found it hidden when I moved out. Besides his out of control drinking and the fact that he was a general jerk to me, the feeling of having no privacy and always having to defend myself when I did nothing was wrong was a big contributing factor for our split.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Apr 29, 2014
RACE wrote:
1 Your 50 and you have now decided your gay? See, Here's where the whole "Born that way" falls off the tracks. This guy is not saying he was always gay, in fact he used to be quite happy being straight, but now his Passion and interest has waned, and he is looking for the next exciting thing, so hey, try a co*k on for size right?
2 Your friend is trying to justify snooping as transparency. This is why she will be divorced, and you were married until your husband died.
3 No lamy, porn has not gotten any worse, it is simply more available. Shepard boys have been screwing their sheep since the time of Moses. The only difference is now it's on pay per view.
2.Agree
3. You pay per view for it? I thought that stuff was essentially free.

(BTW, did you read that Chase is closing the bank accounts of adult film stars for, ah, review?)

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#8 Apr 29, 2014
L1: I agree with Stina -- he's probably petrified. But the wife isn't asking about him cheating b/c he's playing it cool. Obviously, she knows something is up.

L2: There are people in this world that live their life and there are others that are controlled. Going through other people's stuff is a controlling act plus the obsession controls the person who is looking. Not a good thing.

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#9 Apr 29, 2014
LW1: You signed off "Want to be Honest" but you're not really coming across that way. If you really wanted to be honest, you wouldn't be shopping around for an answer that would get you out of all the messy emotional stuff that you *know* is coming, once you come out.

So drop the BS. Find a marriage counselor and hash this out with an uninvolved thrid party who knows how to handle this. Now.

LW2: Well, it's a good thing you're not marrying your friend, isn't it.

LW3: The only difference is it's availablity.

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#10 Apr 29, 2014
Pay per view has prettier sheep.
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
3. You pay per view for it? I thought that stuff was essentially free.
(BTW, did you read that Chase is closing the bank accounts of adult film stars for, ah, review?)

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#11 Apr 29, 2014
So what happens if he comes out, tries doing it with another guy and discovers that isn't his cup of tea either?

Toj

“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#12 Apr 29, 2014
PEllen wrote:
So what happens if he comes out, tries doing it with another guy and discovers that isn't his cup of tea either?
I'm thinking he pretty much knows b/c the wife has this feeling he is cheating so she's not feeling he's in love with her. Her mind probably just can't jump to the fact he wants to cheat on her with other men.
Kuuipo

Elizabethtown, KY

#13 Apr 29, 2014
LW1: You've been married for THIRTY years and have FOUR children and now you are finally going to come out? The reason that you have asked so many people for advice is that you know this conversation is going to be difficult as heck and your wife is going to be very, very upset. But you have to do it, and the sooner, the better.

LW2: Both husband and wife are entitled to privacy and their own interests. If you have to snoop, you are either insecure or you have reason to suspect that your spouse cannot be trusted. Not good in either case.

LW3: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz....
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#14 Apr 29, 2014
1: When do you tell her? Hmmm...I would say before the freaking wedding ceremony. So unfair to the spouse.

2: That's for each couple to decide.
Snooping in things just to see if they are faithful isn't cool.
But if my hubby grabbed something from my purse, am I going to freak?
No-I married this guy; I waited patiently and chose carefully. I sleep with this man; make little humans....I have nothing to hide.

I think transparency without snooping is cool.

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