“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#1 Aug 13, 2014
DEAR ABBY: I am very concerned about my 33-year-old daughter's safety. A man in his mid-60s, someone she met at a previous job, has become obsessed with her. He has declared his love for her, divorced his wife and slathered my struggling, single daughter with gifts over the last three years.

She has refused his advances on nearly a daily basis, and he is now tracking her every move. If she leaves her house for even 30 minutes, he knows and accuses her of going to have sex with someone. If she says she's coming to my house, he drives by to verify it. If it takes her longer than he thinks it should, he accuses her of having sex with someone. She swears that she has never had sex with him.

It has really intensified lately. I'm frantic about her safety. What should I do?-- SCARED MOM IN FLORIDA

DEAR SCARED MOM: Your daughter's "admirer" is showing all the signs of being a stalker. Why is she carrying on any conversations with him and telling him where she's going? If she accepted gifts he "slathered" on her, it may be why he feels she encouraged him. They should be returned.

You and your daughter should go to the police and report what he has been doing. It may be necessary for her to take out a restraining order because this person appears to be unbalanced and may be dangerous.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I recently decided to get married. We plan to go to the courthouse next month and have a justice of the peace perform the ceremony. Since it will be nothing fancy, we have decided to invite just a few family members -- his mom, grandma and brother, along with my mom and dad.

What we need advice about is how to tell his mom. She feels that marriage is just a piece of paper and you shouldn't need it to prove how committed you are. Because of her views, he wants to "surprise" her the day of the wedding when we all arrive at the courthouse. I feel it's a bad idea, and she should have some time to get used to the thought of us being married.

Any advice you can offer on when to tell her, and how to handle what she's going to say?-- FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR FUTURE D.I.L.: I agree that your boyfriend's mother should be told beforehand, and the good news should be delivered by both of you. When she delivers the predictable "marriage is just a piece of paper" comment, you should respond that the piece of paper is an important one to you, and your boyfriend should tell her he's doing this because he loves you and, in the event that anything should happen to him, he wants to provide for you. If she gives you an argument, remember that you're asking for her blessing -- not her permission.

DEAR ABBY: Do you think people can change?-- JILL IN CHESTER, PA.

DEAR JILL: I assume you mean change for the better. The answer is yes, of course people can change. With motivation, determination and perseverance, people can accomplish almost anything they set their minds to.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#2 Aug 13, 2014
1- I'm with Abby, why is she accepting gifts and telling him where she's going? I think what your daughter isn't telling you is that she's dating this man

3- sure, I changed this morning. I plan on changing again when I get home

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#3 Aug 13, 2014
edogxxx wrote:
3- sure, I changed this morning. I plan on changing again when I get home

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#4 Aug 13, 2014
Lw1: What abby said. Or what dog said.

Lw2: The neswpaper's just a piece of paper too. I doubt she would have a problem with you getting that one. Neither piece of paper is her concern. Tell her that.

Lw3: I assume you have someone in mind the YOU want to change. I don't work that way. People can change. When THEY want to. Not when/because YOU want them to.:

“A Programmer is not in IT!”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#5 Aug 13, 2014
1 Your daughter is lying to you.

2 Hippies are ridiculous

3 No, nothing changes, everything is stagnant forever

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#6 Aug 13, 2014
LW1 - The number one rule in dealing with a stalker - Do not respond to anything. Do not pick up his calls. Do not respond to emails or texts. Do block his numbers. Any response is read by him as positive proof you love him. Even negative responses are read by him as proof you love him.
Second rule - document everything from calls, messages, emails, texts, drive bys, parking outside your home or office, showing up at any of your locations (grocery, dog groomer, etc.). You will need proof if you go to the police.

Do all this before getting a restraining order. These guys are dangerous.

Since: Aug 08

Location hidden

#7 Aug 13, 2014
LW1: It seems odd that she’s refused his advances, but is in such close contact with a stalker like him. I’m not so sure she has refused his advances. She should tell him to leave her alone and get a restraining order if he does not.

LW3: Some will. Some won’t. To change for the better you often times need to be able to be honest with yourself and be self-critical. Some folks can't do that. To these folks, the problem is always the fault of someone else, instead of theirs. There are a few folks on topix like this.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

United States

#8 Aug 13, 2014
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>
I try to remember to change that at least once a day. Maybe two.

Just don't change in the girl's locker room with a lesbian watching


“Where is Everyone?”

Since: Jul 12

Location hidden

#9 Aug 13, 2014
L1: What Shari said. This guy sounds frightening.

L2: I wouldn't surprise her. If it's just a piece of paper this whole marriage news should be no big deal.

L3: Yes, people can change. People can change for the better and for the worse. You cannot decide to change someone, however. They have to decide and want the change for themselves.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#10 Aug 13, 2014
1. Why is the mother writing and not the girl? How is it the mother has these details? Does the daughter have verbal contact with the guy so that girl knows and tells mom about sex accusations?How did she find out about the guy's divorce?

The mom is probably at risk if the stalker guy thinks she is interfering with his love interest but from the letter, it sounds like the girl is not necessarily unhappy about the attention.

Hancock, NY

#11 Aug 13, 2014
1: There ARE a number of questions here; although I agree that the guy is stalking the young woman. The lw is right to be afraid for her daughter. First, I think it likely the daughter has not been entirely truthful to her mom. She probably did reciprocate this guy's attentions at least at first. Possibly it was only flirting or with some guys all he needed was for her to be polite, but nonetheless, he took her seriously. Possibly that was because he has deteriorating mental capacity considering his age,(The phrase "the old goat" comes to mind.) She may even have accepted some or all of the gifts but may not have told her mom because she now realizes it was a mistake and her mom might take her to task over it. Second, how does this guy know where she goes? Does she call and tell him or does he have some kind of tracking device on her car or is he continally following her? Does he lie in wait outside her home? She needs to stop talking to him if that's the case. If he calls, she should hang up or better yet, have his number blocked (he could always get another phone number or use a different phone) or get her phone number changed and make sure it's unlisted. Her mom should do the same. In any case, she needs to document everything and contact the police.

2: Sure, it's better to tell his mom ahead of time. Otherwise your fiance may be the one getting the surprise when she realizes it's your wedding she's at and she throws a huge hissy fit right there at the courthouse. Either tell her before the event or just get married without her and tell her later in private at her home. Do not surprise her at the courthouse. I agree with Abby that you are not asking her permission; you are simply informing her and allowing her to be present at the event. She's going to be mad in any event because you will officially become the first lady in your fiance's life replacing his mom.

3: "....people can accomplish almost anything they set their minds to." Uh huh. The key words indicate the person has to set his mind to something which means they have to WANT to do it. Another key word here is "almost." There are times it just isn't possible because they have a condition, perhaps a mental health issue, which may make changing something very difficult or perhaps impossible. I don't like blanket questions like this. There are always exceptions or different answers for different circumstances.
boundary painter

San Antonio, TX

#12 Aug 14, 2014
RACE wrote:
2 Hippies are ridiculous
Everything is stagnant forever
Well now, I wouldn't say that.:)

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