“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#1 Apr 19, 2014
Dear Amy: My friend's husband had an affair with his much younger assistant. My friend found a couple of very racy messages from her to him.

This was going on for months and months. The assistant was also married at the time. He told my friend that they only slept together once, and that he can't fire her because he's not her boss and can't make that decision.

He also said that he told the assistant they had to stop communicating (other than about work). He later admitted he lied about that, but he claims it is over now.

My friend believes him and thinks her marriage is worth saving. She has decided to stay with him.

I say she needs to leave the marriage because she's worth more than what he's done (and what I believe he is still doing). I think he's a liar.

Should I tell her to face facts and leave the marriage, or should I just keep being an ear and shoulder for her to cry on?— Concerned Friend

Dear Friend: You should not try to convince someone who is clearly determined to stay with her husband that her marriage is not worth trying to save. The reason to keep your opinion to yourself is because your friend will stay in the marriage, and in the end you will pay for your candor, and this important friendship will be damaged.

Marriage is an intimate relationship between two people. It is a bad idea to involve a third party or to allow yourself to get drawn into someone else's marriage. This is a lesson both you and your friend need to learn.

Dear Amy: My husband has been sabotaging my health and weight ever since he retired and decided to learn to cook. He proudly makes dinner for us every other night.

His inspiration is Guy Fieri, host of the TV show "Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives," with its emphasis on fatty meats, fried foods and rich sauces. He now serves meals such as huge Reuben sandwiches slathered with melted Swiss and creamy dressing.

His dishes are delicious and hard to resist. Besides, I don't want to insult him by not eating what he has so lovingly prepared.

But his high-fat/low-fiber foods give me miserable digestive problems and steady weight gain. I worry about my high cholesterol and my family history of heart attacks.

Although I have gently tried to teach my husband some of the tricks I've learned over 40 years of cooking that cut down on unhealthy calories, fats and sodium, he rebuffs me. His weight and health do not seem affected.

On the couple of nights I've put my foot down and forbidden him to cook, he's gotten angry.

What can I do?— Force-Fed to the Grave

Dear Force-fed: I agree that your husband is sabotaging your efforts, but every time you lift fork to mouth you should remind yourself that you are responsible for your own health.

Because this food literally makes you ill, you should not eat it. If your husband belittles you for this, then you should face the fact that your gastric issues will simply never be as painful for him as they are for you.

As good a cook as he is, he is obviously not worthy of being in charge of your diet and health.

It looks like you are going to have to eat individually prepared dinners until he is willing to cook for two. You should make sure to have plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables on hand.

Dear Amy: "Impatient" wanted to marry the father of her children. But she may already be a wife!

Depending on where she lives, she may have common-law status already. That status would assure property and other rights of a formal marriage. But regardless, she should be making sure her "boyfriend" fully supports their children. Are they covered by his insurance? Has she talked with him about college tuition? Are they heirs in his will?— Hallie

Dear Hallie: Only a few states formally recognize common law marriage, which is all the more reason to research this status and its ramifications.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#2 Apr 19, 2014
1. Clearly your friend confided the details to you, so we can't say MYOB, but keep your mouth shut. You can avoid dinners with them as a couple though .

2.Eat veggies. Eat small amounts or just a taste of his cooking. Even if he is skinny, that stuff will clog his arteries and you will be a widow soon enough.

It is a fairly novel form of passive aggression to cook delicious things that someone has said gives them indigestion. You have said that in advance, right? as opposed to complaining when it is on the table?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#3 Apr 19, 2014
1- Stay out of your friend's marriage.

2- Your problem is willpower. You simply can't resist these fatty foods and it's your husband's fault for cooking them. You do the shopping from now on

3- HIS insurance, talked with HIM about college tuition, heirs in HIS will... Lady, you're the reason men think women are succubuses and it's their responsibility to take care of YOU
ScarletandOlive

Indianapolis, IN

#4 Apr 19, 2014
LW1- if you had asked how to support your friend during this stressful time in your life, I'd have some sympathy. Unfortunately, you just want to know how to make other people act the way you want. You can't.

LW2- you are an adult, so you are responsible for what goes into your mouth. Learn how to have healthy snacks during the day and practice portion control. Offer to cook half of the time so that you are only eating the super rich foods in moderation.

You have to make it a team effort, not just forbidding him to cook. Go to cooking classes together. Try different restaurants around your area so that you can get different meals and discuss the qualities of the cooking, plating, etc. if he feels like you are respecting him and his interests instead of just criticizing, he may be more receptive to your input.

LW3- most states that recognize common law marriage require that you present yourself as husband and wife for a certain number of years, not just live together and procreate.
cheluzal

Plant City, FL

#5 Apr 19, 2014
1: I would pull back and I could not be all nice and friendly to the jerk.
If my friend asked, I would certainly tell her the truth.
I would also not become her emotional tampon when he cheats again, which he will since her actions basically approved it.

2: Meh...fat isn't as bad as TPTB make it out to be.
High protein, low carbs is the way to go.
Always eat fruits and veggies.
I went back to real butter.
Our grandparents ate lard, for crying out loud.
It's the processed crap combined with no exercise.
Cass

Claremont, CA

#6 Apr 19, 2014
LW1 - Butt out. None of your business. Butt out. Butt out. Butt out.

LW2 - Eat less, exercise more.

LW3 - What Scarlet said. Plus: a marriage license does not change the biological and legal status of the kids. I don't remember the original LW (probably didn't even read it), but should the LW and BF split, she can always sue for support. As for the kids being covered by his insurance, it may or may not be a wise choice. My kids are on my health insurance plan, not my husband's because it is the wisest economic choice. If we weren't married, they'd still be on my plan because it's the best in terms of quality and cost. With respect to the heirs in the will: if BF dies without a will, his biological children are primary heirs whether he is married to their mother or not. If BF has a will and his biological children are not mentioned, they (or their mother on their behalf) can and should challenge the will. They are entitled to a portion of his estate regardless of his marital status. If BF's biological children are explicitly excluded from the will while they are still minors, this is grounds for challenging the will as well. However, once the children are adult, explicit exclusion usually stands because people have no legal obligation to leave any of their property to their adult and mentally and physically able offspring.

In general, marital status only affects the legal and financial rights of the spouses, not biological children.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#7 Apr 19, 2014
cheluzal wrote:
1: I would pull back and I could not be all nice and friendly to the jerk.
If my friend asked, I would certainly tell her the truth.
I would also not become her emotional tampon when he cheats again, which he will since her actions basically approved it.
2: Meh...fat isn't as bad as TPTB make it out to be.
High protein, low carbs is the way to go.
Always eat fruits and veggies.
I went back to real butter.
Our grandparents ate lard, for crying out loud.
It's the processed crap combined with no exercise.
Our grandparents ate lard and had a shorter bespangle than we will have
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#8 Apr 19, 2014
Does LW1 want this friend to leave that marriage for LW1?( If so, why?)

Couldn't blame LW2 if she drinks a large glass of water before having
her husband's cooking--and saving some of the meal in reheatable plastic containers for later--in portions she's comfortable eating.

Since: Dec 09

Smalltown, Colorado

#9 Apr 19, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
Our grandparents ate lard and had a shorter bespangle than we will have
PEllen, you have to turn off the auto correct!

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#10 Apr 19, 2014
Shari23 wrote:
<quoted text>
PEllen, you have to turn off the auto correct!
I just saw that. Life spans.

Thanks
Julie

Chicago, IL

#11 Apr 19, 2014
LW2: Your husband is trying to off you. Bet he has a very hefty life ins. policy on you. Just sayin'. Oh, and grow some willpower FFS.

“...,to wit”

Since: Jun 09

Location hidden

#12 Apr 19, 2014
Julie wrote:
LW2: Your husband is trying to off you. Bet he has a very hefty life ins. policy on you. Just sayin'. Oh, and grow some willpower FFS.
Death by Sandwich?

Hmmm. Shall I put you in the Acknowledgements section?
Kuuipo

Salinas, CA

#13 Apr 19, 2014
LW1: Almost, Amy. The friend's husband's drawing his assistant into the intimate partnership was the worst mistake. LW is having a hard time seeing her friend being played for a fool. But everyone is right - she needs to butt out and let her friend sort this out and make her own choices. She should offer only a sympathetic ear and no advice.

LW2: Make big salads and take only two bites of the entrée your husband cooks. And get more exercise.
Pippa

Hancock, NY

#14 Apr 20, 2014
PEllen wrote:
<quoted text>
I just saw that. Life spans.
Thanks
I thought "bespangle" was what you meant - as in a new term. It's kind of cute actually. ;-)
boundary painter

Waco, TX

#16 Apr 23, 2014
One other possibility for LW2: Take husband along to help out with
the programs for feeding children and/or senior citizens at the local Food Bank. They could become valued team members in fighting
hunger for the many food insecure people in their community. Don't
keep his cooking skills to themselves when they can help others.

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