Abby 4-18-13

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#1 Apr 18, 2013
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are contemplating starting a family. When I was younger I wanted children, but over the years my personal experiences have caused trepidation. Because of divorce and the custody battles of my older siblings, I know the amount of blood, sweat and tears that go into children. I work in the field of social services. Every day I am confronted with families who struggle with more children than they can care for and with behavioral and emotional problems. Frankly, it has turned me off. I am terrified of all the "what ifs."

I can't talk to my family because I don't want to tell them they have created part of my problem. My in-laws can't understand why we don't have children yet.

My husband keeps insisting "everything will be fine." I love him deeply and he would make an amazing father. My heart wants this, but my head isn't sure. I can't picture our future without children, but the fear of actually having them brings me to tears. Can you help me?-- SCARED TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP

DEAR SCARED: Children don't come with 100 percent, money-back guarantees. What they need in order to thrive is parents who love each other and them, and who are willing to put forth the time and energy to raise them. I don't know what went wrong in your siblings' marriages, but it appears their kids have been used as pawns rather than having their own interests put first. If both parents cooperated in the interests of the children there would be no battles.

Please do not allow the dysfunction you have seen in your work to influence your decision. You and your husband will not be having more children than you can afford, and I assume you are approaching the idea of parenthood in a mature fashion. I would caution you about one thing, however. Having a child because of pressure from your in-laws would be a poor reason to embark upon parenthood.

DEAR ABBY: I'm at a crossroads. I have been married for 15 years and have two children. I love my wife and have been content with this life for a long time. However, for years I have felt like something was missing.
I recently become close friends with a man who is in the same situation. One day he confided that he is gay and has known it for more than 10 years. He told me he, too, had been content with his life but had grown increasingly depressed before we met.

As our friendship has developed I have come to realize that I'm gay as well. It was a struggle to finally admit this to myself, but I accept that it's the truth. My friend and I have been exploring our sexuality together, and he says he is happier than he has been in years.

Both of us love our wives and children; however, we desperately need to fulfill our own needs as well. Do you have any advice on the best way to move forward that will have minimal impact on everyone involved?-- IN A DIFFICULT SITUATION

DEAR IN: You say you have known for years that something was missing. Well, it is possible that your wives have felt the same way, and may have blamed themselves for it. That's why it is important for you and your friend to explain everything to them honestly.

It would be helpful for everyone who will be affected to seek counseling and receive the emotional support they will need through this life-changing transition. You and your lover should go online and find the nearest gay and lesbian community center.(Visit www.lgbtcenters.org for a complete list.) Your wives should contact the Straight Spouse Network, which has been mentioned in my column many times. It can be reached at www.straightspouse.org .

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#2 Apr 18, 2013
L1: "My in-laws can't understand why we don't have children yet." That's a bigger problem than your anxiety.

L2: You're having an affair. You're cheating on your wife. You're sneaking around behind her back. You're breaking your marriage vows.

Look, I get it, you're thrilled with your discovery and you're enjoying some pole smoking. But you're CHEATING on your WIFE. Stop trying to justify what you're doing. You don't get to eat your cake and have it, too. Tell your wife. You'll likely get a divorce and life starts over in a way.

But you don't get to have it both ways, even though you go both ways.

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#3 Apr 18, 2013
1 Your trepidation will make you a terrible parent. Until you realize that parenting is simply doing the best you can and providing you kids with the tools they will need to make the right decisions for themselves and make it in the world, you should not conceive.

Or, get drunk, have an oops baby and then do the above.

2 Your not gay, you were seduced into participating in homosexual activity by Satan. Go to church, admit you were lured outside your marriage by the devil and accept the forgiveness offered. Then go and sin no more.

“Checks and Balances”

Since: Apr 13

Location hidden

#4 Apr 18, 2013
LW1 - You are going to have children with your husband, not your siblings or your in-laws. If the two of you are on the same page and supportive of each other, then that is most important.

Also, find some friends with successful families. That always helps.

LW2 - Ang said it perfectly!

“The two baby belly, please!”

Since: Sep 09

Evanston IL

#5 Apr 18, 2013
LW1: No guarantees, ever. But you seem aware of the possible problems that could crop up, and that is the first step in seeing that they don't happen to you.

LW2: What Ang said.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#6 Apr 18, 2013
2- You're not gay. You've just gotten bored with your life. Now this guy is trying to recruit you and break up your happy home then dump you like yesterday's trash. Don't fall for it.

Since: Jan 10

Location hidden

#7 Apr 18, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
2- You're not gay. You've just gotten bored with your life. Now this guy is trying to recruit you and break up your happy home then dump you like yesterday's trash. Don't fall for it.
Right. Because being bored with your wife makes you okay with sucking a dick.

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Melrose Park, IL

#8 Apr 18, 2013
RedheadwGlasses wrote:
<quoted text>
Right. Because being bored with your wife makes you okay with sucking a dick.
Well he's bees eating fish for fifteen years, maybe now he wants to try a sausage.
Kuuipo

Marina, CA

#9 Apr 18, 2013
LW1: What squishymama said and it's OK to not have children. I think it's great that you are thinking about it seriously instead of romanticizing it like a lot of people do.

LW2: What Red said. You're a cheat. It doesn't matter what the circumstances are. It's wrong. Your wife deserves honesty and respect. You have failed to give her those things, but you can at least come clean so that she can move forward.

“I Am Mine”

Since: Dec 08

Location hidden

#10 Apr 18, 2013
edogxxx wrote:
<quoted text>
Well he's bees eating fish for fifteen years, maybe now he wants to try a sausage.
So you gonna be ready to try some sausage soon? Or have you not had enough fish to get bored with it?

“Where is Tonka?”

Since: Feb 09

Neda, stay with me! Charlie

#11 Apr 18, 2013
too late for him, he has an electric brander for his sausages...Stamps Tonka on every damn one.
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>So you gonna be ready to try some sausage soon? Or have you not had enough fish to get bored with it?

“reign in blood”

Since: May 09

Braidwood, IL

#12 Apr 18, 2013
Mister Tonka wrote:
<quoted text>So you gonna be ready to try some sausage soon? Or have you not had enough fish to get bored with it?
I ain't been eating off the same plate for 15 years. Dude just needs to get some strange. He'll come around.

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