Dear Amy 11-14-09

[Mimi Seattle]

http://www.chicagotribune.com/features/column...

[edogxxx]

LW1: I'll mainly agree with Amy... Well, except for the mashed potato's comment.

LW2: He said he didn't know you two were trying for the same job. You're mad because he got it and you didn't. You need to grow up and stop being bitter for someone else's success.

LW3: No taste for rehash, Amy.

[Jess in NJ]

Dear Amy: My husband and I will be celebrating Thanksgiving at my daughter and son-in-law's house. Normally we have a great time there.

My son-in-law's family will mainly be in attendance. My brother (an alcoholic who is sober) will be coming with his girlfriend of a year.

I've only met this girlfriend once, when she came to our house for dinner in May. At that time, a lot of the conversation was about my brother's past, how people where they work were discouraging her from dating him, etc.

Even though it was just family at dinner, I was embarrassed for my brother and frankly didn't want to hear it. I've been through too much with my brother as it is.

My question is whether I should say something ahead of time to his girlfriend about not talking about his past -- or should I just hope that it doesn't happen again with my daughter's relatives.
-- Shamefaced Sister

Dear Sister: Every couple has a story. However this story strikes you, your brother's past belongs mainly to him. He gets to fold, spindle and mutilate it -- or share it at 12-step meetings or Thanksgiving dinner. If he is embarrassed by his girlfriend's oversharing, then he should handle it.

You may have been pulled through the knothole by this formerly drunk brother, but part of his recovery experience will be to try to take responsibility for his actions, seek amends and repair his relationships where he can. Please let him try.

If the dinner table conversation takes a turn you don't enjoy, you can try your best to turn the conversational ocean liner around. "Mmmmmm, these mashed potatoes are so creamy!" is one way to start.

Dear Amy: A few months ago I was diligently looking for a job and received a call from a recruiter representing a company I wanted to work for. I was so excited. One of the first things I did was to tell my very good friend about the opportunity.

After three interviews with the recruiter, the company decided that it wanted to continue looking at other candidates. I was extremely disappointed.

I told my friend about the outcome and then a few weeks later he said he would be getting an offer from the same company for the same job I was going for. I didn't even know he was interviewing! He already had a high six-figure salary. He knew the financial situation I was in.

I am happy for him but disappointed that he did not consider my feelings enough to let me know he was interested in the position earlier. He said he didn't realize it was the same job I went after.

I feel betrayed by him, and I don't think I can ever feel the same way about our friendship. Your thoughts?
-- Feeling Weird

Dear Weird: Presumably you were turned down for the job before your friend interviewed for the position. He has no obligation to stay away from jobs you've already been passed over for, but he does have an obligation to be honest with you.

Unless job-oriented superstition or a non-disclosure agreement prevented him from giving you a heads-up about this (a possibility), he should have at least given you a heads-up about this.

[Jess in NJ]

Letter 3

Dear Amy: I disagree with your response to "Tipping," who was wondering whether to tip a restaurant for large takeout orders.

Your response was, "If you have a relationship with a restaurant that regularly prepares large orders for you, correctly and in a timely fashion, you should reward the good service with a modest tip when you pick up the food."

Are you kidding?

You tip a waiter or busboy when these people spend the time and effort waiting on you. You tip a delivery person for bringing the food to you.
But tipping when you pick up the food? It's as absurd as tipping the grocery cashier!

More appropriately, the restaurant should offer a discount or some other "thank you" because of the loyal and repeat business!
-- Sarah

Dear Sarah: I usually tip when I pick up a large order and now for the life of me I can't figure out why. From now on, China Garden, you'll be tipping me!

[Detroit Daria]

LW1--I'll agree brother's story is his own, to be shared as he sees fit, but nobody should dominate the dinner table conversation. I see no problem asking girlfriend to tone it down.

LW2--You lost the job before he applied. So what that he knows your financial situation? He can't hand the job over to you. So get over it.

LW3--Please stop. I'll give you money....

[Jess in NJ]

LW1 - You are embarassed for yourself at the thought of family dirty laundry being aired in front of your SIL's family. Either follow Amy's advice or don't invite your brother and his girlfriend.

LW2 - I'm sorry you didn't get the job. It means that you weren't the right fit. Your friend was. Maybe you shouldn't give people details about your job searches.

I would assume that this job is a step up, or at least a lateral move, for your friend. So what if he was already making a high six-figure salary. Maybe you should see if his old job is available.

[Andie J]

L1- My sister likes to tell & retell an embarassing story about me. I've asked her several times to stop telling it. The last time she did, I turned to B & said it was time to go. We got up & left. She hasn't told it since. I wouldn't go the mashed potato route. I'd just say that Thanksgiving is a time for good stories & happy memories.
L2- All's fair in love, war & job searches. Get over yourself.
L3- I'll tip you if you stop printing rehashes.

[Terri at home]

L1: I agree with Andie, let them say a few things and say what Andie says. Of course, be ready that it might not work. If not, shut your mouth and just try to be pleasant.

L2: Guess he wasn't that good of a friend. He did nothing wrong except not clue you in. Sounds like he was more qualified actually. Realize this and move on.

L3: I agree with Sarah.

L3:

[CrazyMaddy]

LW1 If the LW's brother and his girlfriend wish to discuss his past and recovery (good for him) at a private family dinner with his sister, fine. His niece's in-laws (and their relatives) are not his family. How to approach the subject with the gf or how to change the subject without making everyone uncomfortable? I haven't a clue.

LW2 I doubt the LW is happy for his friend. He states he feels betrayed and will never feel the same about him. I can understand the LW's disappointment, but his friend did not compete with him for the position. I think he is embarrassed to have been passed over and probably desperate for work. Once he gets a job, he will most likely forgive his friend.

[AngelaMN]

L1: Your brother is a big boy. Amy's right. He can handle his girlfriend. Have topics of conversation ready. I suggest religion, abortion, politics, and day care v. SAHMs.

L2: I feel for this guy. But he obviously wasn't the best candidate. I'd dump the friend, though.

L3: I bet Amy can't taste phlegm in her moo goo gai pan.

[cheluzal]

Andie J wrote:

L1- My sister likes to tell & retell an embarassing story about me. I've asked her several times to stop telling it. The last time she did, I turned to B & said it was time to go. We got up & left. She hasn't told it since. I wouldn't go the mashed potato route. I'd just say that Thanksgiving is a time for good stories & happy memories.

I'm proud of the B for following suit. My last arse I dated would've argued with me at the table in front of my relatives, not seeing what the problem was even if he knew how I felt.

[I Like Tonka]

LW1:What Amy said. You are not the former drunk. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. If your brother is embarrassed by what his girlfriend talks abut, that is their business to handle.

LW2: What? The friend has an obligation to give him a heads up? Some people are a little more discrete. If I were to go out looking for a job, people at my current ob would be the last ones I would share that info with(I assume the LW's friend works with him if they are candidates for the same job). And what does your financial situation have to do with anything? How did this become your job that he took away. He saw an opportunity and he took it. No one has any obligation to you to leave a job open for you.

LW3: yay! Tipping letter again.

[cheluzal]

1: Her boyfriend's nephew's in-laws is pretty far out there to be airing dirty laundry, at Thanksgiving, no less. LW's feelings are justified, but it only embarrassed her brother, who hasn't put a stop to it.

2: I feel for LW too because what his friend did was rude, if only lying by ommission. He went after that job and didn't tell his friend, until AFTER, to gloat probably. Shady at best...a friendship ruiner? Not necessarily but we know how sneaky the friend is now. I would never do that to a true friend of mine.

3: I asked an Applebee's girl who brought my food out if they make waitress pay or salary. She was on a salary far above minimum wage. If I tip, it's because I'm rounding to the nearest dollar.

[I Like Tonka]

CrazyMaddy wrote:

LW1 If the LW's brother and his girlfriend wish to discuss his past and recovery (good for him) at a private family dinner with his sister, fine.

Why? Their talking about themselves, not other people behind their back. Why do you think they should not be free to tell their story at the inlaws? How did you determine it to be a "family only" private discussion. Its the story of how they met and began dating.

[DontLoveThyNeigh bor]

LW1: Six months ago when they were starting to date and they were at an intimate family gathering the girlfriend gave too much personal info for your taste.

- Each of them individually is that much older and wiser (and further into sobriety, in your brother's case);
- They're now much further along in their relationship together;
- She's probably not as nervous as she might have been in meeting you for the first time;
- It's a different setting, with more people to carry the conversation.

Someone is making a mountain out of what is probably a molehill.

[cheluzal]

IDK, the girlfriend was barely a girlfriend doing this the first time...maybe she's gotten worse as she's more comfy!

[AngelaMN]

cheluzal wrote:

IDK, the girlfriend was barely a girlfriend doing this the first time...maybe she's gotten worse as she's more comfy!

And it sounds like they haven't sat down to dinner with them -- or hung out -- since May. You'd think they'd have gotten together between then and she'd know whether the girlfriend is a one-trick pony.

[cheluzal]

AngelaMN wrote:

<quoted text>
And it sounds like they haven't sat down to dinner with them -- or hung out -- since May. You'd think they'd have gotten together between then and she'd know whether the girlfriend is a one-trick pony.

Exactly. They seem to hang a few times a year I'll bet.
Still, her brother needs to speak up...every family has to have the weird person that makes you uncomfortable...why not let it be the gf?
LW's daughter can just not invite him next time she hosts if it bugs her that much. I'm SURE LW will discuss it with her daughter afterwards.

[Andie J]

cheluzal wrote:

<quoted text>
I'm proud of the B for following suit. My last arse I dated would've argued with me at the table in front of my relatives, not seeing what the problem was even if he knew how I felt.

He's always got my back. He's even stood up to his parents when they were rude to me.

[Im Me]

Interesting story. My friend was eating dinner with his family. When they left his dad didn't leave a tip. They were outside the building, on the way to the car, and the guy inside started running after them. When he caught up he asked where his tip was, friend's dad gave him a tip after that guy chased him down and demanded one. I know his dad should have tipped, but totally wrong for that worker to come out like that with his hand out.